In response to a recent post, a reader asked the question ‘Are there any ‘normal’ men out there?’ In reading it, I heard her frustrated desperation coming through.
As I pondered her question and what it means, it struck me that media has so distorted the ideas about what’s normal, it’s hard to know anymore. It’s no longer clear what ‘normal’ is. The television shows and movies have made ‘normal’ hard to recognize.
There are also readers who’ve been out of the dating scene for so long, they feel like they just landed on another planet. The ways of connecting with potential contacts is alien from what your familiar with.
First, you want someone who shares the same values as you. In relationships, when the values are too different, it ends up straining things.
Second, communication is important. Healthy communication includes going back and forth. Conversations where one person monopolizes the time is not a good sign.
Not only does it go back and forth, there is also a healthy parity concerning who is the center of attention.
It’s also not healthy when one person shuts down at the moment things get uncomfortable.
It’s at the point of discomfort, right at the edge of our comfort zone, we become real and vulnerable at the same time. Not everyone at that point handles it well.
When problems are solved using violence, raising their voice or making threats, warning lights should be going off. If they resort to such tactics early on in your relationship with them, it’s only going to get worse.
One sign I look for is whether they have healthy boundaries. When they bring up sex or intimate topics, including overly forward gestures before trust has grown or the two of you are comfortable with each other, it sends up a red flag warning me of danger. Such actions scream “No Boundaries!”
If they are truly interested in you, they’ll find ways of helping you be a better person and reaching your goals. Selfish people approach life and relationships in terms of “What’s in it for me”.
They only consider what makes them feel good instead of helping you reach your goals.
This is by no means a complete list. These items will help you know some of what to look for.
These are applications of material presented in the “Affair Recovery Workshop“. In the workshop, the topics of boundaries, communication, problem solving and learning ways of working together are covered in terms of repairing them.
When you address these concerns on the front end of relationships, it saves you from some big heartaches.
Best Regards,
Jeff
