One of the scariest phrases a spouse can say is “we need to talk“. Those words strike fear into the hearts of many of you.
There’s something about conversations regarding affairs that turns talk into a struggle. The relationship therapist Esther Perel often says, “We need a new conversation” concerning this issue.
On the other hand, my father, who was a pastor said that we need more sermons and preaching on sex. He went on posing the question, “When was the last time you heard a lesson on sex?”
Both agree that conversations are needed when it comes to sex and affairs. I’m not sure if we need a new conversation or find the courage for bringing up the topic in an honest discussion.
With affairs, it’s easier condemning what happened than attempting to understand it. Keep in mind that understanding what happened is very different from approving what happened.
It’s hard hearing that you are no longer the love of someone’s life. Listening to them explain what happened along with their version of why it happened is torturous.
Not only is it torturous, your mind froze at hearing about the affair. You likely blocked out everything after that. Even if the cheater is a great communicator, when your mind freezes, you can’t talk about things.
Having a “new” conversation sounds good. Modern society loves things that are new along with the latest and greatest. Although it sounds good, I’m not sure anyone’s brain can clearly process such a conversation at that time.
My experience is that it takes a series of talks. You tackle the issue ‘a bite at a time’. Each new piece of emotionally upsetting information requires time to adjust to.
I suspect that the challenge with “we need to talk” is really about the fear of getting real. It’s in those conversations that the two of you have to be real with each other. You see the real them and they see the real you while both of you discuss a very real problem that you can’t deny.
It’s understandable that running away is one of the options you consider rather than facing such talks. In those talks, you not only have to be real, you are vulnerable. The person who can hurt you the most just did and now you have to deal with it.
That’s where the “Affair Recovery Workshop” comes in. The unique sequence takes you through the stages of affair recovery, including what to bring up, when to do it and how to make your message heard. Rather than just winging it, you can be prepared for handling the affair and the talks that it brings.
Best Regards,
Jeff
