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What should you look for in a counselor when dealing with an affair?

Some of the emails I’ve received lately left me wondering if those of you struggling with affair recovery know what to look for in a therapist.  Although you may go to a therapist, it doesn’t mean that they are the best person for helping you recover from the affair.

For this reason, I decided it is time for me to share my list of “What to look for in a therapist in dealing with an affair“.

  1. Not all couples go to therapists in order to recover from affairs. About 40% of couples go to them, yet when they go, it’s typically at least six months after discovering the affair.
  2. When your therapist doesn’t share your values when it comes to affairs, you’re in the wrong place.
  3. Affairs are a legitimate problem. If you went to counseling for the problem of the affair, its realistic expecting the counselor to deal with that problem.
  4. The therapist isn’t there as your hammer or your messenger. Expecting them to confront things or say things you aren’t willing to, you’re in the wrong place.
  5. If the counselor has had an affair themselves or have been cheated on, you’ll want to find out how they resolved those issues. Unresolved relationship issues impair their ability to help you.
  6. Look for a counselor to create an ‘atmosphere of safety’ for both of you. When the counseling office isn’t safe, it’s counterproductive to overcoming the affair. You may not always feel comfortable, but that’s different than having an atmosphere of safety.
  7. Eventually recovering from the affair means looking at family dynamics and patterns. Family patterns are critical in undoing and recovering from the affair situation.

This list will get you started. It provides guidance at the time you are looking for help.

If you need more help in dealing with affair recovery, the “Affair Recovery Workshop” guides you through this challenging time.

Best Regards,


Nothing in this Work is intended to replace common sense, legal, medical or other professional advice. If your situation warrants it, please seek competent professional counsel.