On a recent visit to my brother in Tennessee, I noticed that the word “Welcome” on his welcome mat was almost worn off. I joked with him about ‘having his welcome’ worn out due to overuse.
The worn out welcome mat gave us something to talk about, yet for some couples, is a source of hurt and contention. Not feeling welcome or wanted is a major issue in many marriages.
A comment left by a reader reminded me of a topic related to affairs needing attention. In his comment he said, ” Things have been strained in the bedroom due to her frequent angry outbursts, and I try to keep my distance when she is angry, which is pretty much all the time, so it’s difficult for me to initiate any intimacy. She is showing no regard for my feelings, or emotions, has shouted me down and interrupted me when I try to make a point.”
When anger erupts, it changes your relationship. When it’s you getting angry, your actions will have secondary effects.
The anger may get your spouse’s attention, and give you some feeling of power, yet in large doses, is shutting down communication. Getting your point across is one thing, using so much anger that it contributes to your spouse shutting down or withdrawing is another.
When your spouse shuts down of withdraws in reaction to your anger, it’s a sign of using too much. Using too much anger has consequences.
Although you may view your yelling is ‘no big deal’, it may be choking the life out of your relationship. Yelling impacts others, including your spouse. They may act like they can handle it, yet each outburst screams that “vulnerability is not welcome” in your marriage.
Those angry outbursts while being a release for you could be pushing your spouse away from you. Each angry outburst removes another piece of the emotional welcome mat of your relationship.
Anger is a sure way of wearing out any ’emotional welcome’ in your marriage. I understand that there are hurts needing attention, yet anger is more counter-productive than productive when it’s your only way of dealing with your hurts.
You would benefit from having some other ways of dealing with your hurts and disagreements than anger. If anger is the only tool you’ve got, you really need a new welcome mat along with some better relationship tools.
One place you can start making changes is with forgiveness. In the video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks”, you can start making changes in how you handle the hurts and problems.
Best Regards,
Jeff
