One of the sayings I recall my father telling me is “You can’t tell the players without a program”. The sports programs let you know more about each of the players.
The program gives you the ‘bigger picture’ of what their skills and abilities are, along with interesting biography tidbits about them.
Although his saying was originally intended for a saying in sports venues, I’ve found it helpful in other areas as well. I make it point to know about the other marriage experts out there as well. It’s become my modern version of the programs I read in ballparks growing up.
It constantly astounds me when I read about the beliefs of some those marriage experts addressing affair related issues. A persons’ world view influences how they view marriage, sex and life.
Quite a number of the ‘experts’ have either had affairs or been the victims of affairs in their own marriage. In my case, it wasn’t my marriage, but rather my parents.
The other experts and their troubled marriages gives them experience related to affairs, but it also tells me something about their relationship skills as well.
Yes, your marriage can survive an affair. I often wonder what went wrong in their marriages in the first place and whether they practice what they present now. It leaves me wondering if once they crossed that line, will they do it again?
I already mentioned one expert dealing with affairs who states he ‘doesn’t believe in marriage‘. Perhaps that’s why he talks about how ‘easy’ it is to love your spouse. Anything is easy when you don’t believe in it.
Today I read an interview with the relationship guru Esther Perel where she admits she doesn’t believe in God. I can appreciate her honesty in this matter.
It leaves me wondering about finding the strength you need in making it past an affair when there is no God to pray to, run to or find comfort with. I wonder where hope comes from when the guru you follow doesn’t believe in a God who designed marriage.
It’s akin to flying on airplanes, yet not believing that lighter than air vehicles exist.
There’s also a third group of gurus who don’t believe that communication helps. At times I wonder how they promote their ideas if they don’t believe in the healing power of communication. They view communication as ‘dangerous’.
I agree that you may say some foolish things at times, yet that doesn’t make communication dangerous in my mind. Communication is part of the life blood of relationships.
I believe in both God and marriage. I also believe that communication is important in marriage along with commitment. I view marriage as a gift given to us. That gift needs to be cherished rather than trashed and abused.
I also believe that each spouse needs accountability for their actions. You need accountability to each other and to God. Without God, the power of accountability is shaky at best. You can still have some, yet the authority behind it is sketchy at best.
One of the tools that have helped me in dealing with people is the principle of ‘considering the source’. I’ve learned that when I consider the source, I know how seriously to consider what they have to say.
This principle has helped me in viewing the person in their context. It’s also let me know what information is trendy versus what has long term impact.
Knowing the players also lets you have some idea of the outcome you can expect. Their world views are going to come through in dealing with the most intimate of human relationships.
If you’re dealing with an affair, consider purchasing the Affair Recovery Workshop. It covers the many areas needing attention and change in turning a marriage around. You can know what to do along with how to do it.
Having a program really does help you know more about the players and navigate your way through affair recovery.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
