How to cope with a cheating spouse

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Your spouse’s cheating is not the first problem in your marriage. It was the latest in a series of problems. Now that you know about it, your spouse pays lip service to the issue, but does not take it seriously. Instead, they view many of the other problems as more important to resolve than the cheating. Since they are dealing with these issues, they can tell themselves that they are working on your marriage. While they are ‘distracted’ by these issues, you are emotionally bleeding out. The MAIN issue bringing pain and misery in your life is being ignored while they are convenientyy distracted by the other problems

If you dare to ‘confront them’ they will tell you how hard they are working on the marriage and that you should be appreciative that they are working on it. You know what htey need to be working on, but instead they have their attention focused on minor problems that the two of you could have worked together on. They may even try to get you to agree that one of those distractions is your main problem, when in reality it it the distance created in the relationship by their cheating along with their misplaced priorities.

There will always be convenient distractions, especially when cheating is involved. Rather than getting honest and facing the real source of pain in the relationship, they allow the other issues, which are secondary to keep them from what they wish to avoid. For the cheater it is a win-win, they can avoid the affair and ease their conscience by ‘working on the marriage’. It is just another one of the games cheater play to avoid the issues.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

PS-The 5-part webinar on “Sure Fire secrets to restore your marriage after an affair” begins tonite. Space is still available. Reserve your spot at this link.

First off, do you want to get rid of your anger? If you do, then great, we will be dealing with that. If you are not ready or willing to get rid of your anger, you may want to come back to this post later. There is a time to hang on to the anger and a time to let go of the anger. If you are ready to let go, then read on…

What are you angry about? The easy answer is going to be…your spouse’s affair. Although that is the easy answer, is it the honest one?

Is it that they cheated? that they hid it? that they lied about it? who it was with? that they were with someone else? I know that drilling further down into your pain is not easy. It is important to do if you are serious about wanting to deal with your anger.

Identifying what triggered the anger is important. Since anger is most frequently a secondary emotion, it is essential to identify the primary emotion (or the triggering emotion) that ‘turned on’ the anger. That is the emotion that you are having trouble with, NOT the anger.

Did I just say that anger is not the emotion that you are having trouble with? YES. You are using anger as a way to deal with that emotion. That emotion is what your are having trouble dealing with. Whether it is sadness, loss, fear of abandonment, rejection, betrayal or something else. The feeling that you initially experienced is the emotion you need to work on. Anger is an emotional reaction that ‘protects’ us from other feelings. Although it protects us, it also can hurt those around us.

Doing something to stop the problem at its root is always the preferred way to deal with it. Pull the weeds out by the roots, or else they will come back again with the next rain. Likewise, pull the source of the anger out, and it will lessen the possibility of it coming back again.

I will be dealing with more about anger along with other essential areas in my upcoming webinar series. The material will transform your marriage in the five weeks it takes place, starting September 2nd. You can register for it here. [Seminar Link] If you are wanting your marriage changed but don’t know where to start, this seminar is for you.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

When you discover that your spouse is cheating there are many questions in your mind. Besides being overwhelmed and having your world turned upside down you have to do something. As you are trying to make sense of what is happening around you and to you, and your head is swimming, you wonder who or what is your enemy?

You know that you do not like what is going on, but have you considered who is your biggest enemy. Sure, you may know who is to blame, but the person blamed is rarely your biggest enemy.

So who is the biggest enemy? the cheater? the lover? yourself? the unresponsive spouse? the place where the cheating happened? booze? drugs? porn? Which is the biggest enemy?

You biggest enemy is most likely NOT one of those listed above. Your biggest enemy when dealing with cheating is fear. Does that surprise you? Fear makes everything worse. Fear makes you see things that may not actually exist. Fear drives irrational thoughts and actions. It is fear that puts you in panic mode. It is fear that keeps you from sleeping at night. It is fear that has you imagining more affairs, infidelity and lewdness than was reported.

Fear brings with it torment. Torment, when allowed to run its course turns into emotional entrapment. Let me repeat that:

Fear–> Torment –> Emotional Entrapment

When you are in the state of emotional entrapment, fear becomes more real than reality itself. You feel as if you are in a cage. There are the panicky feelings that go with being caged. Even though physically you are not in one, the emotional cage is very real. The cage traps your mind and your heart. With the feeling of being caged come sensations of helplessness and powerlessness. At that point, you are stuck. There is a feeling of “no way out!” .

Yes, that cage is real. Those who have been there know how real it is.
There are ways out of the cage, but I will address those in another post. What I wanted to do in this post is to let you know that the lover is not your biggest enemy, neither is your cheating spouse. The enemy is not your spouse’s family, it is not you. Your biggest enemy is FEAR. This is important in know who and what to attack. Attacking the people will not do anything about the fear. Fear is what gives those people power. Cut off the power of fear, and you remove many of the dangers.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

By the way, my free webinar is coming up tomorrow night (Wednesday, August 25th at 7:00 PM CDT.) The clock is ticking. You need to reserve your space now by registering at this link. [Registration Link]

You know the frustration of getting your spouse to talk about what they did. It seems that everything that you have tried has failed. They either avoid the topic completely or refuse to talk about it at all. Their avoidance leaves you feeling frustrated and about to explode.

It may have been weeks, months or even years since the two of you honestly talked about what happened. The tension of not talking just magnifies your pain and the burden you are carrying.

So, how do you get them to talk?

The #1 of getting them to talk is to listen. When you listen, do not interrupt them, do not attack them, do not invalidate what they tell you, do not call them a liar, …just listen.

You may have thought you were listening. Your spouse knows when they are being set up by you. You may call it listening, but they know better. They know how well you claim to ‘listen’ to them. They know from experience what you really mean when you tell them that you want to ‘talk’. They may have been interrupted, argued with, discounted, and discouraged to the point that they know that you really do not want to listen, you are looking for ammunition.

This time, listen to what they are saying. Listen to their thinking, their emotions. If you ask questions, limit them to only clarifying what has been said, NOT those questions intent on interrupting or arguing.

If they are not talking, there is a good chance that you are not really listening as well as you thought you were.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

PS.-I will be hosting a free webinar on Wednesday covering “How to cope with a cheating spouse” at 7:00pm CST. Register for the webinar here. It will be available by phone and on the web.

communication, getting your spouse to talk, webinar on cheating

You have moved beyond nagging gut feelings and suspicions of an affair. You found evidence. You know they cheated on you. When you brought it to their attention they either dismissed it with allegations that you are paranoid, jealous, crazy or _________ (fill in the blank).

Your spouse questioned your ‘evidence’ and dispute what it means. They have you questioning your own self as to what really happened.

You know what you saw. Now you wonder what to do next. What are your options in this situation?

1. You can ignore it and wait…wait…wait
2. You can nag them about it again and again…
3. You can suffer in quiet desperation.
4. You can try something different.

If you are wanting to try something different, consider the approach of talking about the emotional reality of the relationship.

-The two of you are not as close as you used to be
-There is tension in the relationship
-There is frequent avoidance of talk about your relationship
-You don’t go to bed at the same time
-You feel shut out of their lives
-Television has replaced time spent talking
-You do not feel close to them

You can start talking about these items. Although they may dispute what was on the computer or what was on the phone, these are things that they cannot disprove. They can not say you don’t feel something that you do feel.

Bear in mind, that the cheater may be twisting their thinking about cheating. They may not want to admit it to themselves or to you. This is especially true if they disapprove of cheating. Cheating often flourishes in situations that seem contradictory. Contradictions make for secrets, and add strength to the denial. Try to make discussion of the distance in your relationship the priority rather than making your job #1 being having them admit to the cheating. You may need to make job#1 being the admission that there is distance in your relationship. From there you can discuss what is causing the distance.

My e-book on “How to Cope with a Cheating Spouse” has other suggestions of things to talk about to improve your relationship.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

I have not found a way to live tomorrow when I am here today. Likewise you will not be able to solve tomorrow’s problems or even know what all the problems tomorrow will bring today. Part of the fallout of cheating is that it shakes up your world to the point that you may find yourself trying to ‘control’ tomorrow, fix all the problems that may come your way, and plan everything out rather than live the day that you are in.

Cheating robs you of your peace of mind. In the struggle to cope with that loss, you may resort to controlling everything you can. Control is a poor substitute for security. You were not able to control your spouse, so what makes you think that controlling time or tomorrow will be any easier?

Trying to control things beyond your control is a sure way to stress out and get frustrated. It is as if God and the Universe laugh when you try to control them. Rather than trying to fix tomorrow. Deal with today. Live today. Do what you can do to make today better. You can’t make your spouse stay with you tomorrow, but you can do something about improving your relationship TODAY.

Here are five things that you can do TODAY!

1. Take better care of yourself.

2. Call a friend.

3. Forgive either 1 hurt or 1% of your hurts. Let go of it. Write it down, say it out loud, then let it go.

4. Do something that brings a smile to your face.

5. Learn something about yourself. Rather than assume that you have all the answers, be willing to ask questions, then listen for an answer.

You will be surprised how many of the fears about tomorrow do not come to pass. Rather than allowing your imagination to work overtime about tomorrow, make today the best you can.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

PS. I will be doing a free teleseminar on Tuesday, August 17 at 5:00pm EDT on “5 Secrets to Re-Gaining Control After an Affair”. You register at this link. The seminar will be via telephone or on your computer.