How to cope with a cheating spouse

A tough question that you may find your self facing is “Should I tell him about my affair?” There are often no easy answers to this question. In dealing with it, you may consider “What if I don’t tell him about my affair?” By looking at it from that angle, you will see things that you don’t see from the other viewpoint.

One items that trumps them all is “Saving Human Life”. If telling him would endanger another person’s life or your own, the answer is clear. I used to use the term safety, but I found that people will bend and distort the idea of safety.

If you only reason for not telling him (or her) about your cheating is your own emotional comfort, that is not reason enough. Choosing not to tell erects a permanent barrier in your marriage and will keep distance between you and your spouses. If you want to be close to them and them be close to you, they will need to know.

I know that some spouses use the excuse that telling about their affair would endanger national security, illegal activities, or proprietary laws-I consider these excuses. Granted they sound ‘noble’ but they are excuses all the same. If you are giving such excuses, then you are using your job as a cover to hide your cheating. You are hurting them and yourself. When your job comes before your marriage, you may need another job. You did not promise your employer, that you will love, honor and cherish them until death do you part–and I seriously doubt that your employer made that promise to you.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

The old adage, “Money Talks” is understood in many areas. Money also talks in relationships. Although in marriage, there are pledges of fealty and loyalty, there are some partners who are willing to play the turncoat and leave the relationship when the money is better somewhere else. Although ‘true love’ and commitment are important to relationships, there are some who talk about true love, yet are only waiting until a better offer comes around.  The leaving of a relationship does not always occur based on who has the bigger purse or wallet, yet when the partners are not happy with the relationship, money is a strong motivator.

Even when the parties use a lot of Bible talk in terms of praying about ‘God’s will’ regarding staying with their spouse, when the money is right, they have been known to leave as well. I recall an old mentor who told me that “It’s amazing how when you offer someone more money, that what is referred to as ‘God’s will’ suddenly changes”.  Although he was addressing how pastors will often leave one church for another, his comment also has application for marriages as well.

The bottom lines is that when your spouse’s needs are not being met, there is an increased danger that money will talk. Another old friend told me of a German proverb that translates into English as “Where no money is, love flies out the window”. Although we do not like to associate money and love, with some people there is a connection. In terms of understanding affairs, it is important to recognize this connection and the danger it poses.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

money and affairs, money and loyalty, money and relationships, pastors and affairs, Reducing the Risk, Understanding Affairs

Have you given serious thought to what the steps are in the progression of an affair? I have pondered that concern for a while. Presently my working model is this:

Self-Defeating  Thoughts->Self-Defeating  Behaviors-> Affair Fantasies-> Seeking Out an Affair->Being in Situations/Locations condusive to and affair-> Having the Affair

Granted, I recognize that most people do not seriously consider the steps they go through before getting into someone’s knickers. They probably progress so quickly through the steps, they do not realize the sequence. The model does provide a way of understanding the affairs and what occurred. There are often triggers that begin the self-defeating thoughts as well, although I have not mapped those out at this juncture.

Preventing the affair could be done at any juncture, although the further along one is in the sequence, the more difficult it becomes. The real enemy is not the other man/woman, it is the thoughts in the adulterers mind and how the resolute spouse deals with those thoughts.

This will provide readers with a way to make sense out of the sequence of events and help them to see where they might fall in this pattern.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs, infidelity, Reducing the Risk, sequence of an affair, stages of an affair, Understanding Affairs

Some people are enamored of professionals when it comes to affairs. They assume that because they are a (doctor, lawyer, architect, etc.) ___________ that said person is safe to have an affair with. Just because they have some schooling, and professional credentials does not mean that they have better morals or sense of duty than other people. It is also a mistake to assume that that professional that you are having an affair with is physically safe either. Venereal diseases do not discriminate. They can infect doctors as well as other professionals as easily as they can infect a truck driver or carpenter.

People who are not professionals often admire and respect the professional. At times that respect can manifest itself as ‘infatuation’. Although the professional should realize the infatuation for what it is, they often don’t. Rather than avoid affairs with non-professionals, they often exploit they special standing they have in society and give in to their animal desires. Most have never been trained in handling the phenomena and they genuinely believe that the other person does love them. It is no surprise that men (and women) in uniform or professions often exploit non-professionals. The uniforms and licenses are often used to hide the carnal creature they become when involved in an affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Feeling trapped by an affair? If you are trapped, or just feeling trapped, it is important to escape. The longer you choose to stay in an affair, the greater the damage is done. Delays in making a major intervention just to protect the feelings of others is a mistake. Traps can be made of emotional material as well as iron bars. There are times that the emotional ties are stronger than iron bars. Whether it is a physical or emotional trap, it is imperative to escape at the earliest time you can. Whether or not it is convenient, or easy, you need to pull out of the affair. Yes, the lover may be upset (or lonely, or angry, or …). You may be called names or be threatened. It is better to leave with bruised pride rather than a damaged body or mind. Once you are out, then you can think things through. That is when you can recover and find yourself. Trying to find yourself while in an affair is a sure way to loose yourself.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

entrapment and affairs, entrapment and cheating, escaping and affair, Reducing the Risk, Understanding Affairs