Dealing with a cheating spouse?

September 3, 2010

There are no shortcuts!

If you want to be notified the next time I write something, sign up for email alerts or subscribe to the RSS Feed. Thanks for reading.

When it comes to getting through your spouse cheating on you, there are no shortcuts through the pain. There is no way to avoid dealing with the pain, the shame, the confusion. You and your spouse will have to endure going through these issues.

Although there are no shortcuts, you can avoid many of the traps, dead ends and pitfalls along the way. If you ever wanted a road map that shows you the way through the emotional pain and gives you direction there is hope. You do not have to make the same mistakes that many others have made. You can avoid questions that will get you stuck in repeating the same old fights over and over.

You do not have to stay lost and wander in circles wondering if you are doing the right thing, if you are making things worse or if you are being unreasonable.

My e-book, How to overcome your spouse’s cheating contains valuable information to avoid the pitfalls. You can join up for a free tele-conference where I present many of the secrets and traps. The tele-conference will be Tuesday night form 5-6:30 pm EDT. The link to the registration page is here. The conference will be available by telephone AND over the internet. So if you are in South Africa, Indonesia, or Orkney, you can listen in without the long distance costs. Affairs are not limited to countries of religions, they are the number one threat to families and marriages around the world.

If your marriage is in danger, or hopeless, you need to be there. It could very well be the answers and hope that you were looking for.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

What if I don’t tell him about my affair?

A tough question that you may find your self facing is “Should I tell him about my affair?” There are often no easy answers to this question. In dealing with it, you may consider “What if I don’t tell him about my affair?” By looking at it from that angle, you will see things that you don’t see from the other viewpoint.

One items that trumps them all is “Saving Human Life”. If telling him would endanger another person’s life or your own, the answer is clear. I used to use the term safety, but I found that people will bend and distort the idea of safety.

If you only reason for not telling him (or her) about your cheating is your own emotional comfort, that is not reason enough. Choosing not to tell erects a permanent barrier in your marriage and will keep distance between you and your spouses. If you want to be close to them and them be close to you, they will need to know.

I know that some spouses use the excuse that telling about their affair would endanger national security, illegal activities, or proprietary laws-I consider these excuses. Granted they sound ‘noble’ but they are excuses all the same. If you are giving such excuses, then you are using your job as a cover to hide your cheating. You are hurting them and yourself. When your job comes before your marriage, you may need another job. You did not promise your employer, that you will love, honor and cherish them until death do you part–and I seriously doubt that your employer made that promise to you.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Facebook Cheating

Can you or your spouse cheat on facebook (or MySpace)? YES!

Social Network Sites are powerful, either for good or for evil. They can be used to promote a business, and obtain sales. They can also resurrect the ghost of dead girlfriends and repair bridges that should have been burned and stay burned.

The social network sites allow for people to meet and connect. Rather than go to a singles bar or supermarket, you can do it from the convenience of your computer, or smart phone.

One of the dangers with facebook is that it allows you to re-connect with old friends, and old flames. Although you may tell yourself that it has been years since you saw those people and that you and they have changed…You would be surprised at how quickly those old feelings can return. Old high school crushes and college lovers can once again return in living color. Parts of your past that you wanted to leave behind are now on-going. In many ways, facebook is like high school relations on steroids. Facebook allows them to know more about you know. If you ever told yourself, If only I had known then what I know now, well….facebook allows people to continue with their unfinished business from those days gone by.

Part of the danger is in your brain. Once your brain is programmed to respond to people in a particular way, that connection stays there. Old flames can re-ignite very quickly because the connections are still in your brain. Facebook allows those old connections to surge once again.

What that means is that you may need to work with your spouse on deciding which friends to connect with and for them to connect with. Rather than dismiss the possibility of old flames, recognize the potential danger.

Remember, a thief can’t steal what he can’t see and desire. The thief sees something they like, begins desiring it, then steals it. Likewise, a cheater can’t have an affair with someone who they cannot connect with. When they connect, they begin desiring and then they fantasize, then they cheat.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Technorati , , ,

Setting divorce rates straight

Growing up, I often heard the citations about the growing rates of divorce in America. The divorce rates were growing.  At times, it seemed that the divorce rate was higher in the United States than other nations. It seems that I was mislead. The divorce rates in Europe are higher than in the United States.

I can not attribute all of those numbers to affairs, although I am sure that they are a part of that picture. Another part of the picture is that when people marry persons of other faiths, they have three times higher divorce rate than those who marry in their faith. That is stunning news. If something increases your chances of divorce three times, it is worth noting and doing something about.

Although having an affair does not guarantee you a divorce, it certainly weakens the marriage. It seems that interfaith marriages do as well. If you have an interfaith marriage and have an affair…things do not look so good in terms of statistics.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

When to cut him/her loose

In response to the question as to whether or not there is a time to cut him/her loose, the answer is yes. The challenge is WHEN to cut them loose. Some of the signals that they need to be cut loose include:

1. Persistent lying

2. Lack of remorse for their actions

3. Denial of facts concerning their actions

4. Persistent addictive signs of addictive behavior

5. Persistent turning things around and making it your problem rather than their problem

6. Disregard of responsibilities regarding children and spousal duties

7. Continuation with the affair

8. Disregard for the medical dangers posed by the affair

When these behaviors continue over a period of time (6 weeks or longer) then they are not just in reaction to the affair, they are long-standing patterns that are not likely to change with giving him/her more (love, prayers, confrontations, etc.).

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

Technorati , ,

Money Talks, even concerning Affairs

The old adage, “Money Talks” is understood in many areas. Money also talks in relationships. Although in marriage, there are pledges of fealty and loyalty, there are some partners who are willing to play the turncoat and leave the relationship when the money is better somewhere else. Although ‘true love’ and commitment are important to relationships, there are some who talk about true love, yet are only waiting until a better offer comes around.  The leaving of a relationship does not always occur based on who has the bigger purse or wallet, yet when the partners are not happy with the relationship, money is a strong motivator.

Even when the parties use a lot of Bible talk in terms of praying about ‘God’s will’ regarding staying with their spouse, when the money is right, they have been known to leave as well. I recall an old mentor who told me that “It’s amazing how when you offer someone more money, that what is referred to as ‘God’s will’ suddenly changes”.  Although he was addressing how pastors will often leave one church for another, his comment also has application for marriages as well.

The bottom lines is that when your spouse’s needs are not being met, there is an increased danger that money will talk. Another old friend told me of a German proverb that translates into English as “Where no money is, love flies out the window”. Although we do not like to associate money and love, with some people there is a connection. In terms of understanding affairs, it is important to recognize this connection and the danger it poses.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Technorati , , , , ,

The Courage to say “No”

The temptations for an affair are often around us. Even though the temptations surround us on a daily basis, many people manage to say ‘no’ to those temptations. A frequent question asked by those who haven’t said ‘no’ is “How are they able to say ‘no’?”

Although it sounds strong to say ‘no’ out of sheer will power, I have not found that it is always the best method. Many people are able to avoid affairs by ‘just saying no’ and that is good. With all the self-centered orientation in today’s society, the use of sheer will power can backfire and work against the person. In those cases, the tendency to look after ‘number 1′ and be ‘selfish’ suddenly turn that iron will against oneself. I have also seen cases where the tempter accuses the person saying no of being selfish as well.

I often advocate the use of reminding oneself that they gave themselves to their spouse.  When humans make decisions concerning something that totally belong to themselves, they are often able to say no much easier. In these cases, the spouse draws on the strength that they pledged themselves and their loyalty to another. It is not something that they can now take back and give on a whim. By reminding themselves of that commitment and drawing on it, they often find the strength to say no.

Another strategy is to remind oneself that they made a promise to their spouse and in front of God concerning their vows. This strategy works when those involved have serious commitments to their beliefs. When the person involved is not so committed, breaking a promise to God is not much more serious than breaking a promise to their spouse.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

Technorati , ,

The Making of an Affair

Have you given serious thought to what the steps are in the progression of an affair? I have pondered that concern for a while. Presently my working model is this:

Self-Defeating  Thoughts->Self-Defeating  Behaviors-> Affair Fantasies-> Seeking Out an Affair->Being in Situations/Locations condusive to and affair-> Having the Affair

Granted, I recognize that most people do not seriously consider the steps they go through before getting into someone’s knickers. They probably progress so quickly through the steps, they do not realize the sequence. The model does provide a way of understanding the affairs and what occurred. There are often triggers that begin the self-defeating thoughts as well, although I have not mapped those out at this juncture.

Preventing the affair could be done at any juncture, although the further along one is in the sequence, the more difficult it becomes. The real enemy is not the other man/woman, it is the thoughts in the adulterers mind and how the resolute spouse deals with those thoughts.

This will provide readers with a way to make sense out of the sequence of events and help them to see where they might fall in this pattern.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Technorati , , , , ,

The Professional Scam

Some people are enamored of professionals when it comes to affairs. They assume that because they are a (doctor, lawyer, architect, etc.) ___________ that said person is safe to have an affair with. Just because they have some schooling, and professional credentials does not mean that they have better morals or sense of duty than other people. It is also a mistake to assume that that professional that you are having an affair with is physically safe either. Venereal diseases do not discriminate. They can infect doctors as well as other professionals as easily as they can infect a truck driver or carpenter.

People who are not professionals often admire and respect the professional. At times that respect can manifest itself as ‘infatuation’. Although the professional should realize the infatuation for what it is, they often don’t. Rather than avoid affairs with non-professionals, they often exploit they special standing they have in society and give in to their animal desires. Most have never been trained in handling the phenomena and they genuinely believe that the other person does love them. It is no surprise that men (and women) in uniform or professions often exploit non-professionals. The uniforms and licenses are often used to hide the carnal creature they become when involved in an affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

Technorati , , , , , ,

Escaping Entrapment

Feeling trapped by an affair? If you are trapped, or just feeling trapped, it is important to escape. The longer you choose to stay in an affair, the greater the damage is done. Delays in making a major intervention just to protect the feelings of others is a mistake. Traps can be made of emotional material as well as iron bars. There are times that the emotional ties are stronger than iron bars. Whether it is a physical or emotional trap, it is imperative to escape at the earliest time you can. Whether or not it is convenient, or easy, you need to pull out of the affair. Yes, the lover may be upset (or lonely, or angry, or …). You may be called names or be threatened. It is better to leave with bruised pride rather than a damaged body or mind. Once you are out, then you can think things through. That is when you can recover and find yourself. Trying to find yourself while in an affair is a sure way to loose yourself.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Technorati , , , ,