Dealing with a cheating spouse?

September 3, 2010

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Facebook Cheating

July 30, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

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Can you or your spouse cheat on facebook (or MySpace)? YES!

Social Network Sites are powerful, either for good or for evil. They can be used to promote a business, and obtain sales. They can also resurrect the ghost of dead girlfriends and repair bridges that should have been burned and stay burned.

The social network sites allow for people to meet and connect. Rather than go to a singles bar or supermarket, you can do it from the convenience of your computer, or smart phone.

One of the dangers with facebook is that it allows you to re-connect with old friends, and old flames. Although you may tell yourself that it has been years since you saw those people and that you and they have changed…You would be surprised at how quickly those old feelings can return. Old high school crushes and college lovers can once again return in living color. Parts of your past that you wanted to leave behind are now on-going. In many ways, facebook is like high school relations on steroids. Facebook allows them to know more about you know. If you ever told yourself, If only I had known then what I know now, well….facebook allows people to continue with their unfinished business from those days gone by.

Part of the danger is in your brain. Once your brain is programmed to respond to people in a particular way, that connection stays there. Old flames can re-ignite very quickly because the connections are still in your brain. Facebook allows those old connections to surge once again.

What that means is that you may need to work with your spouse on deciding which friends to connect with and for them to connect with. Rather than dismiss the possibility of old flames, recognize the potential danger.

Remember, a thief can’t steal what he can’t see and desire. The thief sees something they like, begins desiring it, then steals it. Likewise, a cheater can’t have an affair with someone who they cannot connect with. When they connect, they begin desiring and then they fantasize, then they cheat.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Negotiated Infidelity:The Danger of Pop Culture’s Message

July 16, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Can you trust the people who the main stream media identify as the “Experts” ? The short answer is “NO“. In popular culture there are always gurus who will tell you what you want to hear. The latest is Australian Psychologist Holly Hill. She is about to re-release her book entitled “Sugarbabe” which introduces the term ‘sugarbabe’ and ‘negotiated infidelity’ into the pop culture vocabulary.

My own suspicion is that Holly was hurting and doing what she could to justify her decision to work as an escort after her boyfriend dumped her.Since she had given up her job to get the boyfriend in the first place, she was feeling desperate. Bear in mind that even her pen name, Holly Hill is a pseudonymn. Here is a video of her being interviewed. (Link)

With the book being re-released, it appears that since the book did not have the sales they wanted the first time around, the publisher is doing it again. I mention this to give couples a head’s up in case a cheater shows up, citing this book as their excuse for cheating.  Holly even goes so far as to claim that many counselors are supporting of her ideas. Whatever others may say, I do not support ‘negotiated infidelity’ or condone cheating.

It is no surprise that infidelity is on the rise in Australia, with books like this promoting promiscuity. The source for this information are dating sites which promote promiscuity. The irony is that Australians, as a whole continue to see cheating as a major black mark, if not the worst thing in terms of bad things a person can do.

The wisdom of past ages tells us that cheating brings pain to everyone it touches. I often tell people that cheating brings death, whether it is emotional death, the death of a relationship or physical death. Most crimes of passion have cheating intertwined in their twisted mix. In every age, there have been hedonists who promote cheating, yet their fate and the fates of the families they touched bear the ugly scars of their shameless and selfish gratification.

You have a choice as to whether you want to follow the chic, popular, latest ‘expert’ or the wisdom of past generations. Before you swallow the book by the attractive author, visit the local charity hospital, psychiatric hospital or sleazy bar and see what cheating looks like without its makeup. It is only in those places where you can see the non-photoshopped version of how cheating devastates lives and leaves in its wake communicable diseases, emotional heartache, rejected children, and perversions that it spawns.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Hooking up

March 17, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

I am often amazed at words people use to describe their situations. One of the terms used in association with affairs is ‘hooking up’. This word carries with it associations of attachment and connecting. In many affairs, people are looking for people they can ‘attach’ to.  When they are ‘on the prowl’, they are seeking out someone who they can attach to. When they find that person, the relationship often begins with eye contact. With that eye contact, events begin to unfold. In the cases, where there is any sense of rapport, they two people feel drawn to each other. At some level there are often some similar issues. The longer the two people tune into each other, the greater the attraction. With heightened attraction, they begin forming an attachment. The attachment may begin with small talk, drinks, Bible study, or some other activity. With the forming of attachment, there is greater emotional involvement. As those attachments strengthen and expand to other areas, they soon find themselves immersed in an affair. They managed to “hook up” with someone. Even the variation of ‘hooking up” carry themes of attachment. “Shacking up”, “Sleeping with” and the various vulgar versions all carry some association with attachment.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Can Your Marriage Be Saved? A Quiz.

March 13, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

I used to have no idea if a marriage in the throes of an affair could be saved.

I would be sitting there, counseling a couple and wonder if we were just wasting our time. I hadn’t been counseling long enough to know the tell-tale signs of whether a marriage could weather this storm.

Here’s what I do now:

If I’m working with a couple and I want to know the chances of marriage survival, I’ll gently ask these 10 questions:

1. Did your spouse try to hide evidence of the affair?

2. Does your spouse avoid eye contact with you?

3. Does your spouse avoid discussing the topic of the affair?

4. Has your spouse had more symptoms of nausea, upset stomach, or other gastro-intestinal complaints since you discovered the affair?

5. Has your spouse changed their routine since you discovered the affair?

6. Has your spouse paid more attention to you since you discovered the affair?

7. Does your spouse avoid using or mentioning the word “divorce”?

8. Does your spouse show a regard for the children and their reactions to the affair?

9. Does your spouse have religious convictions against divorce?

10. Does your spouse spend 5 or more hours talking with you each week?

Believe it or not, just three “yesses” to these questions tell me there’s a good chance your marriage can survive.

What were your responses? Leave your comments below.

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Google Buzz: Friend or Foe?

February 15, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Google has introduced another product that is sure to impact relationships. Google Buzz (which is their social network service) allows people to snoop on private gmail accounts by seeing who people write to the most. The service launched on February 9, yet its release was surrounded by controversy. Buzz connects you automatically with anyone who you have sent gmail to. Any secret or anonymous messages are no longer hidden from prying eyes. People will know who you wrote to and how often. The initial version allowed people to automatically follow and connect without being asked. Google has since made some adjustments to allow for more privacy. The service immediately had massive traffic, and many prying eyes looking into others affairs.

For the suspicious spouse, the service if a boon. For those hiding affairs or desiring discreet communication, the service is a MAJOR threat. Bear in mind that Google’s CEO, considers privacy an evil thing. (“If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.“). This attitude is potentially dangerous. If you are hiding from a jealous spouse or a stalking spouse,  or rapist these threats to privacy are a threat to your security as well. If you are secretly preparing to leave a dangerous person, you will not be able to as easily as in previous years.

Google Buzz is a powerful, yet dangerous tool. It can hurt those who use it in ways they may have never imagined. Knowing of its existence and potential dangers is important in dealing with the many issues associated with affairs.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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New Packaging for old Selfishness

January 19, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

It never ceases to amaze me at the lengths some people go in order to rationalize their affairs. About the time I think that I have heard it all, there is some new twist on the subject. King Solomon is often credited with writing “There is nothing new under the sun”. On this one he was right. There is no new way of packaging it that removes the damage done to relationships, trust and families. One of the latest repackaging of old self centered gratifications is a book entitled”The Ethical Slut“. I could not even make up the absurd ideas that are conveyed in this volume. The book claims to promote ‘polyamory’.

‘Polyamory’ appears to be the new politically correct term for ‘slut’ . In previous generations the woman that was willing to be with ‘anybody’ and ‘everybody’ was shunned by the community for many reasons. She was not spreading free love and self expression, it was more about corrupting morals, spreading disease and ruining the neighborhood. Although such persons sincerely believe they are doing nothing wrong, they do not see the damaged lives in their wake, nor do they see the impact in makes on communities and the generations that come after them. Sleeping around provides short sighted and selfish solutions to marital problems. It will get your mind off of things, but it does not ‘solve’ or fix anything. If it does accomplish something, it permanently damages the fabric of your marriage, your family, your values and your children’s families. With some people, values mean little. Self-gratification and pragmatism means more than a clean conscience and good reputation.

A slut is still a slut, no matter how you dress them up (and yes, there are male sluts as well).

If you are struggling with the aftermath of an affair, you need to know what you are up against and take action.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Making money from affairs

January 16, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In the movie, Gone With the Wind, Rhett Butler makes the statement, “There is more money to be made in the breaking apart of a civilization than in the building of one.”Although he was making reference to his smuggling, the statement has applications for marriages as well.  There are people who stand to make money with the dissolution of a marriage. Although they may advertise themselves as your benefactor, they make more money the longer the issues drag on and conflicts continue.

Private Investigators, lawyers and courts others often stand to gain financially with the break-up of a marriage and family. These professions know that their bread and butter is based on such break-ups. Some lawyers and private investigators may attempt to ‘save’ your marriage, or appear to have your self-interest in mind with their suggestions. Before you swallow what they tell you, there are some things to consider. The main thing is to consider “cui bono?” or who benefits. Who is actually going to benefit from your heartache? Who is actually considering your best interest both short and long term as well as the impact on your children and family? Many times, the actions suggested focus on short term benefits, rather than long term impact.

The lawyers may help you legally end the marriage, but that does little to end the hurt. You may obtain fast results, but that does not mean that the issues are resolved or that they are over.

With this in mind, it behooves couples dealing with affairs to consider this.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Context

January 2, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

A recent article on a new book out by a French psychologist underscores the importance of evaluating information on affairs in context. The psychologist, Maryse Vaillant claims that affairs can improve one’s marriage. Bear in mind that 1) she is promoting her new book. Promoting a book means doing and saying things that will deliver salves. 2) She is a leading French psychologist. Her book is appropriate for France and French values, not the values and cultures of other people. The values and ideas of each culture are not interchangeable. Not every culture accepts infidelity. Look at the recent Tiger Woods episode and how sponsors are dropping him like flies. They know that although sex may sell, infidelity does not. Even in Canada, the Toronto Transit Commission rejected an ad promoting infidelity on its trains.

The lack of consistency is even apparent with celebrities. While Angelina Jolie has expressed acceptance of infidelity, Sienna Miller has taken steps to prevent her spouse from taking unapproved liberties. So even in Hollywood, there are mixed messages.

Contrast this with American author Mark Verge who also recently released a book on reducing infidelity. He provides ways for men to maintain fidelity in their relationships.

Bottom line, the agencies, persons and researches claiming that affairs are ‘healthy’ need to be taken in context.  Like global warming ‘experts’, the information needs to be taken in context and examined for its validity. There are some people and cultures who accept adultery. If you are not among them, then remember to take all the stories you hear with a grain of salt, remembering where they came from and what they are up to.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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“I went to the bathroom and threw up”

April 30, 2009 By Jeff Murrah 1 Comment

Elizabeth Edwards’ book Resiliance, addresses her reaction to her celebrity husband’s affair. In the book, she describes her reactions to the affair. Among those reactions were throwing up. Throwing up is a common reaction to news of an affair. When people are forced to face threatening information, throwing up and nausea are common responses. Part of the reason for this has to do with having to ingest something that we find ‘unacceptable’.

It is normal to have such strong gastric reactions. Such reactions do not indicate you are weak or in error. It reaffirms that you are alive. It reaffirms that affairs are not acceptable. It affirms that the events that transpired are not emotionally palatable.Many clients have such gastric reactions whenever they think about the affair that occurred.

So if you throw up, don’t freak out. Throwing up is a common reaction in such situations.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Google Street View

March 31, 2009 By Jeff Murrah 1 Comment

Google’s new street view has had some unintended impact. Many spouses are using the street view to find spouses that were supposed to be at work or out of town. In the latest episode, the recently released (March 20)  street view in London prompted a wife to call the divorce attorney upon seeing her husband’s car at a neighbor’s home. So it appears that the latest high tech weapon for spouses in the effort to find cheaters is Google street view.  The recent release of the service in England has upset many people who were discovered going into sex shops, smoking and other clandestine activities.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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