How to cope with a cheating spouse

The lover is often relegated to the sidelines. If you are the lover, your feelings are often dismissed by your paramour’s spouse as unimportant, while the paramour often feels torn between your feelings and their spouse’s.

You may find the roles often switching from being the tough one, being the one that rescues your paramour when everyone else ignores them, and at times you are the one the ultimate evil force in the universe. The switching of these roles happens often and happens quickly. If you find yourself feeling confused as everything that is going on, there is a good reason for that. The reason for the confusion is that the ground rules continue changing. The instability of the relationship impacts everyone it touches.

I understand how the paramour led you on to believe something was true when it wasn’t. I understand how you were promised things, that will not be delivered. You dislike being cheated out of things as much as anyone. The spouse is not the only person who was ‘cheated’ in the affair. You were cheated as well. You fell for the lies, the stories, and the fantasies painted by the paramour (cheater).

When reality hits and the worlds come crashing down, there is also the crashing of your emotions. In all honesty, the paramour may not have been honest about their marital status or their level of commitment to the marriage. They were probably honest in their description of their marriage and how it was in bad shape. They played with your heart in leading you to believe something that was not to be. You were a source of hope, and now you are seen as the curse upon the marriage.

It is hard to tell yourself the truth, but you must. Here are some helps in coming to grips with the realities of the situation:

1. Tell yourself the truth. Not what you hope for, believe in or wish for, you need to tell yourself the truth.
2. Look at what the paramour does, NOT what they say. They may be promising the world, so you need to look at what they have actually done.
3. Don’t beg! Begging starts a relationship off on the basis of inequality. Begging sets up power struggles and power games, which is a poor substitute for love.
4. Insist on honesty with yourself and with the paramour.
5. Set clear boundaries and do not compromise on them.

These actions will help you through the trauma of an affair. Affairs hurt everyone they touch. Everyone ends up loosing, including you.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

If dealing with cheating was not bad enough, when you are a spouse with a disability, the situation is more painful. It is as if you have double-whammy. The disappointment of your body not doing what you want it to do, and then your spouse does not do what they are supposed to do. The double dose of disappointment, and rejection is lonely and painful. The cheating by your spouse makes everything worse.

The cheating spouse justifies them-self with excuses like “I DESERVE some happiness” or “I am human” or something else. Yes, they are human, but why do they use that excuse to act like an animal? Why do they use that excuse to treat you with disrespect? Saying they deserve to rut around like some wild animal and then have the audacity to call it ‘human’. It is an insult, since humans are supposed to rise above animal instincts. Humans are supposed to care for their own kind rather than their own selfish interests.

The cheaters quickly forget their marriage vows to you about “in sickness and in health”. They immerse themselves in self-pity. When they have immersed themselves in the self-pity long enough, they redeem the self-pity for a “Get out of jail (marriage responsibilities) free card” which they use to justify their sexual binges.

So what can be done about it?

1. Have frank discussions about your needs and their needs. In that discussion, it will be important to explore not only what the needs are but also what each believes will satisfy those needs.
2. Discuss options of meeting those needs or redirecting the desires. It is important to be open minded and think outside of the box. (Note: I am not asking you to compromise your values. With the change in functioning, changes also have to be made in terms of expectations, and your definition of intimacy. Comparing yourself to television or pop culture will lead to unrealistic expectations. Be willing to allow a different kind of intimacy to develop. During the time of the romantic poets and the Victorian age, many couples were very close emotionally despite limitations. Since they were not bound by modern expectations, they developed a closeness that 21st century folks do not understand)
3. Recognize the unique vulnerabilities that each of you has and how each of you can deal with temptations.
4. Listen to your spouse. Make an effort to understand them, what they think, what they feel, what they struggle with.

These will get you started on making changes.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

PS-If you missed the free tele-seminar “How to Cope with a Cheating Spouse” , a second one will be help on Wednesday August 25 at 7:00pm CDT. Here is the link to register for that session. http://tinyurl.com/2cuo7uh

Being passive is a sure way to allow cheating to destroy your marriage. In dealing with cheating, you need to take action, whether you are the cheater or the one who was cheated on, …TAKE ACTION.

The answers are not going to come to you. You can spend your time wishing and praying. Even when you get an answer to that prayer, it will require action.

When you stay passive, you allow events and others to control you and control your life. You are not in control. By avoiding making choices, they are being made for you. What makes things worse, is that the longer you remain passive, the stronger it becomes. The passivity becomes a way of life.

What can I do? You can do plenty. You can start by registering for the teleseminar I am participating in tonight. The link is here.

Other things you can do include:

1. Learn about what relationships need
2. Reach out to three people today and talk with them about what relationships need.
3. Write down your feelings and what you are struggling with.
4. Sing! (I know it sounds hokey, but singing works on activating the vocal chords and decreases the passivity).
5. Write a letter to a friend about what you need and what you understand that your marriage needs.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

BTW-I am debating which headline sounds better for a new product. Here are the two choices:

1. How to Grab Your Spouse by the Collar,
Drag that (Son of a) Bitch out of La-La Land and
Put Your Marriage Back Together

2. Learn ways of getting your spouse to talk to you about your marriage

Feel free to let me know which of these two sound better.

When you find yourself lost in the fog that happens with cheating, it is a miserable experience. You feel lost, unable to think clearly, lethargic, restless and directionless. Although you may want to think that it is just about the affair, you recognize at some level, that it is more than that. You have lost your identify and yourself.

It is a time of soul searching. You find yourself asking questions, hard questions. questions about marriage, what it means to be a spouse, what you expect of yourself and your spouse, what your values are, and other more existential areas.

During this time, you need real answers, real direction. Fluffy sounding words may tickle your mind, but they do not lead you out of the fog. The fog will eventually lift.

Some ways to reduce the fog include:

1. Live life one day at a time. Trying to think too far into the future only creates more confusion.
2. Keep up with your self-care. Bathe, exercise and do things to take care of yourself. This includes shaving.
3. Having a daily routine will help you regain your bearings.
4. Avoid alcohol and mind-altering chemicals. These may take away the pain, but they make the fog worse.
5. Go for walks. Being out in nature often helps with the fog. Getting fresh air helps get more oxygen into your body.
6. Make sure you are getting enough sleep. Staying up late and trying to function on too little sleep worsens the fog.
7. Breathe! Make it a point to periodically stop during the day and take 5 deep breaths. The oxygen will revitalize you and help you think better.

In doing these things, you may think that they are too simple or that it won’t bring your spouse back, or…etc. You need to take care of yourself first. You need to make sure that you are thinking clearly and functioning before you worry about getting them back or loosing them. Get your head on first before you start thinking for your spouse.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Cheating forces you and your spouse to make changes. The change is forced upon you. It is harsh and swift. You may found yourself being dragged kicking and screaming into changes you never wanted to make.

Change may be long overdue in your relationship. Having changed forced on you is more difficult than when you make a choice to change. One of the harsh realities about change, is that when it occurs, there is also resistance. You may want to take your marriage to exactly the way it was before the affair. You may want your relationship with your spouse the way it ‘used’ to be. Your desire for taking it back could be a form of resistance to change. I understand that you did not want to make any changes. With what has happened, things have changed.

Part of the healing process requires that you accept that change is needed. Once changes begin, you can redirect it, you can alter the course of change. Rather than resist the change, learn how to make it work for you.

Some areas that you can improve while change is underway include:

1. Changing the roles that you and your spouse are in.

2. Change the way that you and your spouse talk. Rather than talk at each other, talk with each other.

3. Establish times for the two of you to have fun times with each other.

4. Establish regular times for the two of you to talk and ‘be’ with each other.

5. Establish better ways for the two of you to resolver your conflicts.

Taking things back to “the way they were’ before often runs the risk of recreating the problem again.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Pop culture has contributed greatly to muddying up the water in regard to affairs and marriage. Many movies have romanticized affairs to the point where they look more like a recreational activity than a potentially life threatening situation. The film Fatal Attraction was shocking to many people with its graphic portrayal of an affair and the subsequent events. Anytime one begins to wax romantic about how an affair adds life, spark, and romance to one’s life, they may need to remind themselves that the movie version is a fairy tale.

The reality is that affairs hurt people. Everyone involved will loose something in the relationship. Even though an affair is approached with high expectations, (even though they say ‘I have no expectations’-the reality is they do) the excitement of the affair will come to an end. The fantasies will have to leave behind the reality of responsibility, bills, boredom and anger. Cheaters often do not consider the fact that if they can get out of an affair with their lives, sanity and family intact, they are doing VERY well.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah