Being married to someone with such primitive morals is challenging to say the least. Even when you take them to divorce court, it will not “turn on the light” so that they will see the “error of their ways”. They really don’t get it. Trying to wake them up or enlighten them is only going to frustrate you. Such people may have been fun to date, but that animalistic “let’s get it on” mentality does not provide a solid foundation for marriage and family. It also sets the stage for likely infidelities.

Recognize that not everyone has the same moral compass that you do. Not everyone views affairs as wrong. Recognizing this is the first step in dealing with such behavior.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Bringing Back the Lost Passion in Your Marriage

People who engage in an affair often do so out of a misplaced longing for passion. The problem is, they pursue it outside of their marriage. When they do, they hurt themselves and their spouses who love them deeply. What they do not realize is that passion brings pain.

When you are newly married and excited with your spouse, the passion is there. You can sense it and people also recognize it. Yet, as time goes by and children come into your lives, bills pile up and unresolved issues become bigger. The passion dissipates and both of you are wondering where your marriage has gone to.

And then your spouse finds passion elsewhere. The affair becomes full-blown and you discover it. The result of course, is devastation, betrayal and anger. Suddenly, all sorts of emotions rush to you. Jealousy, anger, rage and even love intertwine inside your heart.

It was misplaced passion that took your spouse away. Learning how to deal with passion can also help restore your marriage.

But it takes time and it takes work. Hard work. Restoring passion to your marriage is not a one-person affair. You will need to work with your spouse. You need to communicate more often, talk about your plans, your goals and even your deepest fears. Such small talks can help you stoke the fires of your love and your passion.

As you go through this, the small things that you do will add up until your realize that your passion for each other is building up again. Just be patient. Love might not be enough but at least you are working for your marriage and that will help bring back the passion into your marriage.  

Turning Your Rage and Anger into Passion for Your Marriage

You’re angry. Bitter. Outraged!

And that is but normal for a person who has gone through the horrors of an affair. You feel the betrayal of your spouse and the way that your marriage vows were disregarded. But once the affair is over and you decide to stay together, you need to resolve your anger and turn your rage into passion for your marriage.

It is more easily said than done.

You should first recognize the symptoms of anger and rage before you allow them to control you. For one, you still react with utmost emotional passion whenever there is any reference to the affair. You ask your spouse about more details and you are not satisfied with the answers no matter what he tells you. You then feel a gnawing bitterness, which leads to depression. Then it turns to rage and anger.

When you realize that you are already falling into this anger cycle. Stop and listen. Don’t butt in when your spouse is speaking. Just listen. Allow your mind and your emotions to take control of your anger. This way, you are showing restraint and control against the rage and anger that could plunge your marriage into deeper trouble.

Don’t blame yourself, too, if you feel angry. It is a natural response. What you do with such anger is what matters. Why don’t you turn it into passion for your marriage instead? Replace your negative thoughts with positive ones that affirm your marriage. Showing sweetness to your spouse will also help your marriage recover.

If you are passionate about your marriage, your spouse will soon notice and will even reciprocate such passion. Show it through the little things. Cook for your spouse. Do the things you know will bring back the fire of love and of your marriage.

In due time, you will be able to recover from the affair and be more passionate with your marriage than ever before.

Bring Back the Passion to Your Marriage after an Affair

One thing that would suffer during an affair is the passion in marriage. Slowly, the passion evaporates. You and your spouse just take each other for granted. Life goes on and then poof!

An affair happens, leaving you both in shock and your marriage in shambles.

Yet, your marriage is not too hopeless for saving. But both of you will need to work it out. You might see divorce as the only logical option but it is not. What you need to do is to recover your composure. Make sure that the affair is really over and you can start to bring back the passion in your marriage.

People fall in love for all sorts of reasons. What they don’t realize is that sometimes, love really isn’t always enough. There are bills to pay, there are negative character traits of your spouse that you have to live with and there are instances that you will have to elevate the quality of your love.  

An affair can rock the very foundations of your marriage. If both of you decides to stick it out and affirm your love, you need to do more than just staying together. You need to bring back the passion in your marriage.

You should grow together, do things together and really live together. Sometimes, it’s not the big things that strengthen your relationship. Rather, it is the small things. Going out on bicycles on a Sunday afternoon, fishing with your spouse, or just sipping coffee on the porch on a nice evening. This way, you can communicate better and you slowly bring back the passion in your marriage.

If you successfully do this, marriage will no longer be routine and predictable, you live with awe and wonder everyday of your life.

1. Texting at odd hours (late at night or early morning)

2. Secrecy regarding who sends the text and what it says

3. When your spouse keeps their phone password protected

4. When your spouse is secretive regarding the phone bill and how many text messages were sent. They may also be secretive about who the text messages were from.

5. When the texting goes on for an extended period of time.

6. Texting in a strange or coded manner.

7. When pornographic or suggestive material is sent or received.

8.  When the caller/texter refuses to tell you who they are.

Be on the lookout for these or other tell tale signs indicating that something is not right. Early intervention can mean that you keep your marriage intact.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

I have also tried to put into words the pains that people experience. This hurt that goes across the generations is a dark, empty hollow experience. This is in contrast to the adulterer who may have described their life as one filled with experiences, some good, some bad. No matter how they sugar coat the episodes of their lives, the children and grand children continue carrying the shame.

Although each person may have some personal variations of their experience there are some common themes that come back to the dark empty pain.

This is also part of what needs to be addressed in overcoming affairs, but is often ignored.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

The only exception I have seen regarding the self-control issue (where the person acts out their fantasy or urge) is related to affairs involving sexual addicitions, although that in itself is a self-control disorder as well. Some sexual addicts have affairs due to being driven to do so. It is almost as if their brain goes on automatic pilot and they are then driven to act out.

If you plan on having a big showdown, especially in public, you need to change your plan. Showdowns in public places are a form of manipulation. When you are wanting forgiveness, you want the genuine article, not something coerced out of someone due to manipulaiton. The big showdown may provide an emotional release and provide an audience, but it does little to resolve the issues concerning the affair.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Affairs crash into lives with the devastation of a major pile-up. With the power of an 18-wheeler, it runs over your personal identity and self-esteem, crushing you in the process.

You began asking yourself, “What have I done wrong?” “What have I done to deserve this?” “What should I do?”

You become a confluence of negative emotions. Suddenly, all the little things that mattered in your relationship come tumbling down. Betrayal and trust go out of the window. And your heart shuts down like a virus-infected computer.

If you allow it, the sense of betrayal can plunge you into depression, you lose your self-esteem and you feel like being exiled into the deepest recesses of your heart.

As you go through this process, having a support group is very crucial. Talk to your closest friends. Let out your emotions. Your friends can help you bear the burden you carry. Although the help of a professional counselor is important, a friend’s friendly pat on the back, hugs and even the empathy and sympathy can help you recover.

As you work through your emotions, keep in mind that your identity and your self-esteem are not tied up with your marriage and in your spouse. Who you are is different from your decisions. Who you are is different that who you associate with. Your relationship may have failed, but that does not mean that you have failed. Your spouse may reject you, but that does not mean you have no worth or are not worth loving. Marriage where the whole sense of identity and self-esteem are wrapped around the marriage have the hardest time adjusting to an affair. 

You are a unique person with a unique personality. Go back to your strengths and your successes as a person. When you have strengthened your self-esteem, then you are strong enough to rebuild a relationship.The pouting will need to be put behind if you want to be in relationship with someone. When you regain your maturity, then you can face your spouse, not to beg for him or her to go back, but for both of you to work out your marriage. You can face it as an adult rather than a dependent child. Marriage is for adults, not children. Marriage requires emotional maturity. There is a reason for age limits on marriage. You need maturity to marry, you need maturity to work on repairing a marriage.