One of the things I remember about the old television show, Mission:Impossible was how the message would self-destruct. I was reminded of this in dealing with some affair situations. Many times, after finding out about affairs, spouses will self-destruct on mental and emotional levels. This is often accomplished with the mantra “Why did he/she….?” They torment themselves trying to find the motivations and thinking of their adulterous spouse. Although on one level it appears rational to ask questions that explain what happened, in this case, such questions are ’self-destructive’. Since the adulterous spouse was often not thinking, but merely reacting, to spend hours trying to comprehend what they were thinking is an exercise in futility. Besides being mentally futile, it ties up your energies focusing on the past rather than facing the present or resolving the issues you are facing.
Persistently asking “why” questions also keeps the emotional issues stirred up. The stirring up of such emotions will keep the resolute spouse in a persistent state of agitation. Since the mind will find an answer or explanation to the questions it is asked, the why questions often become self-destructive due to the fact that they generate answers that often lay the blame on the person asking the question since they can’t find answers elsewhere.
Since adulterers often live a life of double standards and secrets, trying to comprehend and understand it in a consistent, coherent manner is not possible. The “why” questions posed turn into the tool of the spouses self-destruction. By obsessing onsuch questions, the resolute spouse turns themselves into a ‘basket case’, thus transforming the adulterer into a martyr who is justified in doing what they did, due to the fact that they live with a basket case spouse.
If you are wanting to overcome an affair, it is essential to your survival to avoid the why questions that bring with them self-destruction.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adulery, cheating, dealing with adultery, infidelity, questions after the affair, Rebuilding the relationship, self destructive behavior after an affair, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
When the ambivalence hits after an affair, some people assume that something is wrong with them. They wonder if it is normal to have feelings of love and hate (or loathing, disgust, revulsion) at the same time. It is normal to feel torn and have mixed feelings. Emotions do not follow the same rules as facts or logic. Having the mixture of feelings is common in dealing with the kind of events associated with an affair. These mixed feelings will continue until action is taken and decisions are made. When decisions are made and commitments are engaged, the ambivalent feelings will begin to fade.
Feelings serve as an early warning system for our hearts. The mixed feelings indicate that there is some conflict in the relationships that are important to us. Recognize that the ambivalence will come and that it is normal. During that time, avoid making major decisions since the emotions color the decisions that are made. It will not last forever.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
adulery, affair, ambivalence, emotional reactions, infidelity, relationships, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
