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One of the false assumptions concerning affairs is that the lover is all the problem. Many couples assume that by removing the lover from the picture, all the problems are solved. The lover was the infidels solution to the problem. The problem that existed before the affair still exists. The only thing that changed was who was selected as the solution of the problem. If you are seriously interested in solving the problem, recognize that it does not lie with the lover. The lover is only the symptom of deeper relationship or personal problems. With this in mind, when you are looking for answers and solutions, the place to start is with the relationship and in the hearts of the couple.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, affair, cheating, infidelity, lover, Rebuilding the relationship, relationship

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Although the thought of parental meddling seems odd concerning an affair, the threat is very real. When affairs occur, many adult children still consult with their parents at some time during the ordeal. Although the parents were likely a part of the wedding ceremony and signed the guest book, they soon forget what that meant. By signing the guest register, and being part of the ceremony, they are agreeing to help keep the couple together. Some parents forget what that means. Rather than help the couple stay together through the crisis, they work toward separating them. Some parents do this in an overt manner, while others are sneaky and do their work covertly. Although the parents claim that their children have no respect for the institution of marriage, they themselves disregard the institution when they work toward splitting the couple apart.

It is common that parents will side with their children, yet they have an obligation to work for restoration rather than steer the children to the divorce court. This may involve confrontation of unacceptable behaviors, keeping their peace at times and forgiving rather than taking up offenses.

In cases where parents forget their obligations, steps may need to be taken that will establish clear boundaries in the situation.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, Affairs and Children, cheating and parental reactions, infidelity, meddling parents, parents and affairs, the wedding ceremony and commitment, Understanding Affairs

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If polygamy advocates have their way, even adultery, which is still against the law in some areas will be protected by the law. The pro-polygamy movement seeks to use the legal ruling of Lawrence v. Texas which includes the phrase “…the full right to
engage in private conduct without government intervention.” 

Using a ruling such as Lawrence v. Texas, activists will consider ‘private conduct’ as inclusive of affairs/adultery. Infidelity hurts people and families. The betrayal of trust is damaging to the whole fabric or the families and parent-child relationship. There are reasons why adultery has been considered a crime over the centuries. Judges did not make it a crime solely because they wanted to deprive people of ‘fun’. Prohibitions against adultery have been necessary in order to protect spouses and children from undue harm.  Although an honorable person will abide by their marriage vows, for many people, only the threat of law keeps them in line, and in some of those cases, they are ‘keeping in line’ only becasue thay have not been caught. Marriage is not only two people joining together to form a legal entity, they are creating a family. They are pledging not only themselves, but their resources to the joint bonding between the two of them. When people can sever those bonds on a whim, it makes the society unstable and filled with licentiousness. Some people do not choose to excercise self-control and will only respect the law if their is a strong enough penalty to keep them in line.

Presently, many communities have laws against adultery. Such laws are beneficial to families and the community. The erosion of such laws would be detremential to families, communities and society as a whole.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, cheating, History of Affairs, Is adultery legal?, laws against adultery, polygamy, should cheating be legal?

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A major part of affairs concerns fantasy. In some ways, an affair shares similarities with a connect the dots game, except with affairs, many of the dots you want to connect are missing. One area where they are missing regards the ‘other woman’ (or other man). Although the infidel reports being in love with them, oftentimes they know very little about that person. They know how they feel when they are with that person, and those internal sensations often over ride common sense and keep them from seeing what is actually going on. While in the midst of the fantasy, the other person is viewed as ‘the person who completes them’ or ‘the love of my life’ or ‘my ideal woman’. Even in the language used to describe the other women, there are themes of incompleteness that will only be satiated when they are with their lover. The lover in many ways becomes an idol which the infidel views as all their hopes, their salvation, their purpose, their completion. What they do not see is that their fantasy lover is a figment of their imagination. They do not see the other woman for who she is. They do not see where the relationship with the lover will actually take them. They often do not know much about that person’s past.

When things really get out of control, they marry their lover, only to be surprised when their lover has an affair on them. At that point, they wonder who it was that they married. They ask themselves questions like “How could she do this to me?”. When such situations occur I often want to remind them that they are being true to their nature. They were not loyal to their first spouse, they disregarded your previous marriage, so what made you think they would change? The person did not get to know the lover for who they really were.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adulterers, adulteress, adultery, blind to their lover, blind to what the adultress is like, infidelity, infidels in the bedroom, lover as an idol, Understanding Affairs

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Affairs have a way of messing up the lives of people and their families. Given the destructive nature of affairs, there are some places that people should never have affairs, not hook up with someone at. Although some adulterers are turned on by the increased danger of these locations, the potential impact of them is tremendous. The danger is that these locations are also the places most likely to meet someone of the opposite sex. So although it might be easier to connect with someone at these places, having an affair in these places is also more destructive to the family. The two most destructive places to have an affair are the home neighborhood and the church. Since home and church are two of the places people will go for solace after the affair, having an affair in these locations emotionally poisons them in terms of being a place of solace.

Some of the people that have struggled the most are the spouses of someone who had an affair with the next door neighbor. Having to live beside them and see them on a daily basis irritates the whole situation. The shocking part is that the infidel spouse often has the audacity of asking “Why can’t you get over this?” When their nose is being rubbed into the affair on a daily basis. These situations are also difficult for the lover and their family as well. They are often pained at having been teased and taken advantage of. The whole situation confuses the feelings of all involved.

In actuality, there is no really good place to have an affair. Bear in mind that like nuclear waste, the places where an affair occurs will have emotional fallout for years to come. Even if it is a car, truck or motor home. Do not be surprised if your spouse begins hating that car, truck, motor home, or home that was associated with the affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, cheating, church affair, neighborhood affair, places to cheat, places to have adultery, places to have an affair, the effects of an affair, Understanding Affairs

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One of the things that does not mix with affairs is alcohol.  Since alcohol often ‘loosens’ people up and allows them to lower inhibitions, it creates an added danger with affairs. Alcohol is particularly dangerous when those partaking have fantasies about affairs. In many ways the desire for the affair is the ‘root’ problems that often blossoms when mixed with alcohol. Under the influence of alcohol, those desires often ‘come out’ when the opportunity presents itself. The alcohol allows them to engage in behavior without the remorse or guilt that would often restrain them from dangerous situation.

On top of this, the environments where alcohol is consumed is often  high risk for cheating in the first place. Bars and cheating are like mixing fire and gasoline. The other participants also have lower inhibitions, which increases the dangers many times over.

With the superbowl and other celebrations looming, if you have a spouse that is prone to fantasize about being with others, then any use of alcohol needs to be treated with a yellow warning light. If you have someone who is struggling with affairs, they will need to limit their alcohol intake during celebrations.

Another drug that is highly prone to affairs is that of cocaine, but for different reasons, which I’ll address in a future post.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, alcohol and affairs, cheating and drinking, dangerous times for cheating, infidelity, Understanding Affairs

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Lies, fantasies and hiding are often a big part of the affair relationship. The reasons for how each of these starts is varied.  The portion that I want to draw attention to in this post is hiding. Although it may start as a way to keep the awareness of the affair away from the spouse, the hiding quickly becomes a game that both husband and wife become involved in. The adulterer often believes that they are smarter or more clever than their spouse. The spouse knows “I’m not that dumb”, and has their own form of trickiness.

I learned a lot about the hiding game from playing with my dog. Although our interaction did not start out as a game, it quickly becomes one, with my dog hiding either from me or hiding something I am looking for. He seems to enjoy it more the more frustrated I become.

In a similar manner, the hiding game often escalates, with the real payoff being how frustrated and aggravated one spouse can make the other. You know it is a game when both know that the affair exists, but they are playing cat and mouse about the details. The two spouses play a form of hide and seek with cell phones, credit card bills, phone records, toll booth records, computer records, etc. They both dance around the facts, with one denying anything until there is proof, even though both of them know what is in fact occurring. When the game gets to this point, it is no longer about whether or not an affair is occurring, it is more about the emotinal reactions to what is going on. The ‘winner’ is the one who can emotionally set off the other one. When the emotinal explosion occurs, there is often the ‘grin’ that comes over the other one’s face signifying-”I got ya”

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, affair games, dealing with adultery, hiding and affairs, hiding and cheating, infidelity, is he cheating, is she cheating, Understanding Affairs

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Although many couples recognize that they have “communication problems”, few are willing to honestly examine and consciously change the patterns of behavior that keep it going. One of those “communication” problems that I have often seen is when one spouse repeatedly states, that their spouse “just won’t listen to me” or its variant “they don’t understand me”. Although on the surface, it sounds like a legitimate concern, when I see them interact with their spouse, what is often defined as “not listening” or “not understanding” is in reality their spouse not ‘agreeing’ with them. When they confuse the meanings of their actions, it is no wonder that communication problems exist. Somehow they confuse listening to a person=agree with that person and acknowledge that they are right. This confusion of terms makes honest communication difficult. Very often the person complaining sincerely believes that they are ‘good communicators’, it is just that their spouse is a lousy listener.

I mention this in regard to affairs because communication is essential in working through the issues.  You will find that your spouse may not see things like you do. That does not mean that they are not listening to you or understand you, they just disagree with you.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, cheating and poor communication, infidelity, poor communication related to infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, talking about adultery

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During the conflicts that arise associated with affairs, it is common that one spouse will attempt to excuse what they say and do based solely on their intentions. They assume that if they did or said something with ‘good’ intentions, it makes their actions acceptable. In their own mind, they often do not believe they have done anything wrong. The spouse on the receiving end knows better. They know the pain of unkind or cruel words and actions. The message that goes out from the well-meaning spouse may not be the message that was transmitted. Oftentimes spouses react to the the attitude rather than the intent of the message. If you meant well, but expressed it in a mean or unkind manner, you spouse saw meanness, not that you meant well.

In rebuilding the relationship, consider the attitude of your communication rather than your intent, since that is often what your spouse will react to. Good intentions may soothe the heart of the person doing cruel acts, but it does little to comfort or reassure the spouse on the receiving end of the “well intended” cruelty.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, arguments after cheating, fighting more effectively with yoru spouse, gfighting with your spouse, how to fight with your spouse, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship

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Although it is an unpleasant prospect, many spouses drive their partners off. Many times it is easier to condemn the infidel for their unfaithfulness rather than question one’s own loyalties prior to the affair. A common pattern that I have seen is when the spouse places children, job or hobbies ahead of their spouse. Since relationships need attention and nurturing, spouses often seek where their needs can be met. I often use the metaphor of a favorite gas station. When that station is out of gas, what do you do? Most people go to the next station. Likewise, when spouses are neglected and ignored, they often find ways to meet their needs in another relationship. It is important to remember that no one ever leaves a good lover (except sex addicts). If your spouse is leaving you, it may help to consider whether or not you are the great lover you thought you were.  (Note: When I talk about being a good lover, I am not referring to pharmaceutical performance enhancers. I am referring to attention, adoration, time and kind words).

Before you start making accusations about ‘hussies’ and ’skirt chasers’, consider the part you have played in what has occurred.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, cheating, driving your spouse to cheat, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs, who is at fault with an affair, who made them cheat

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