The John Edwards affair is worth noting in terms of understanding affairs. It is different that many of the celebrity affairs in how it was handled and what he is saying. It provides some clues as to common patterns in how infidels think and behave. He admits that he started believing he was special, Edwards goes on to talk about the narcissism involved. In other words, he is admitting that it was all about his being selfish, and that he sincerely believed that the rules did not apply to him. It is common that adulterers somehow view that they are too smart to get caught, they are “special” or somehow the rules do not apply. These are common themes that are heard when talking honestly with adulterers.

These common themes are what is worthy to take note of. When a spouse starts showing that “special” or the “rules do not apply to me” mindset, that way of thinking should be a warning sign that an affair is immenent.

It is also noteworthy how the press initially fed into his delusions and gave him great lattitude by refusing to press on the affair issue. Many times political leaders are allowed some lattitude in this area, when their politics agree with the political attitudes that are popular at that time.

He showed his utter disregard for his wife by having the affair while he wife was in the hospital (how nice of him). It is not uncommon for adulterers to take advantage of crisis situations and use them to justify their actions.

In Edwards situation, his wife is wanting to take him back. They have a lot of work to do in repairing what has occurred.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Cinderella went running and left her glass shoes at the palace when the clock struck twelve midnight. I’m sure you still remember her story, how the Prince pursued her and how they lived happily ever after.

Unfortunately for most couples, there isn’t a happily ever after. The prince and princess do not always have a life of bliss after their crisis. At the first sign of trouble, they leave their slippers and their commitment behind and run out of their partnership for good. The likelihood of this is greater with partners who have been married before. The affair can break an enduring marriage because of the deep sense of betrayal and loss of trust. Unlike the Prince in the Cinderella story, a lot of spouses who inflicted the pain of having an affair do not pursue their Cinderella back into their life.

It’s always sad to watch good marriages flounder in mistrust and quarrel. For couples who are going through this stage think that divorce might be the best option. That means, however, that they have given up totally on their marriage!

How about you? If you’re reading this article, then you or somebody you know is probably going through the painful aftermath of an affair. Should you leave the palace for good like what Cinderella has done? Would you wait for the “Prince” to rescue you?

Perhaps a better option would be working out for your marriage after an affair. You might have to spend sometime outside the “castle” of your marriage and think things through. Allow your pain, your bitterness and your anger to simmer down so you would be able to think clearly.

After your period of thinking and assessing the situation, talk to your spouse about the affair. It will be uncomfortable. It will hurt. It will be a difficult time for both of you. But talk anyway. There is no better way of discovering the root causes of the affair. You might discover shortcomings on your end, too. But more importantly, effective communication is the best way to understand each other.

The good thing about communication is that you will be reminded of the importance of the good things about your spouse. And that might be one of the best ways to get back on track with your marriage.

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This is one of the more difficult questions that arise in the course of dealing with affairs. This question is one that challenges your commitment to your spouse, your values and yourself. Many people look for a skeleton key that unlocks all the locks and answers all the questions. There is no one size fits all answer to this kind of question, other than is you safety in danger. If you are in danger physically, emotionally or spiritually, you will need to go and go quickly. Although that should be a common sense response, with many people, the intensity of the bonding with their spouse makes it difficult to even know when they are in danger.

You will need to be honest about what constitutes a ‘real’ threat. There have been many counselors and lawyers who have exloited people in this area. You will need to be honest with yourself about the level of the threat. If you can not tell a real threat from a possible one, there are other questions you need to be considering.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Should You Get Divorce after an Affair?

You were hurt and you feel deeply betrayed. You ask yourself, “How can I trust my spouse again?” because of emotions and internal conflicts, you may become desperate in seeking for the right answers and the right solutions.

The most instinctive response to an affair is divorce. But is it really worth getting? Are you dead set on ending a relationship that seems to have ceased working? Before getting a divorce, you should carefully think through several things.

Don’t you love your spouse anymore? This question might be tough to answer for you. Even if you love your spouse, you can say that there are other things that could make a marriage work and that you are already at the end of your limit.

Do you wish to close the door to your spouse permanently? When you answer this, it might mean that you are closing the possibility of reconciliation. It means that you have given up on your marriage for good. This also means that you no longer believe that your spouse is capable of changing.

Is there an alternative other than divorce? Yes, there is! You can affirm your love and go through the process of rebuilding your marriage. Admittedly, it is the more difficult option. If you love each other enough and you are willing to work it out, then both of you can stand side by side and weather the storm that an affair caused.  

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The London Telegraph carried a story this morning about a woman who had an affair. The affair resulted in a pregnancy, which she hid from her lover/roommate. After giving birth to the stillborn child, she hid the body in the trunk (boot) of her car.  The story serves as a reminder that eventually affairs will be found out. The lies eventually have to stop. In the woman’s case, she lied to her roommate, she lied to the police and no telling who else. What astounds me is that the roommate fell for the lie that she was putting on weight due to an allergy. The astounding thing about affairs is not only the lies, but the lies that people believe.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Communicate and Participate in Rebuilding Your Marriage

Communication is a two-way process. If all you do is talk and talk and talk without considering your partner, he or she might just leave you talking.Health communication allows for both you to talk and listen. The amount of time each talks requires parity. When one person is doing all that talking, then there is little communication going on.

If you knew how to talk, you should learn how to listen.You need to giver your spouse emotional space. Allow them to respond on their time table, not yours. If you ask a question, wait for a response rather than answering it yourself.

If you are the type that simply keeps mum and wait for your partner to do the talking, you should stop being passive and assert yourself! Rather than shutting down, you need to speak out. Being passive does not help your marriage. What you need to do is to cultivate an attitude of taking responsibility and taking action in rebuilding your marriage.

An affair is a very devastating process to go through. But if you take responsibility and work in rebuilding your marriage, you can succeed. You may have to take the responsibility of giving space or the responsibility of speaking up. But if you remain passive, or domineering you might just end up with a divorce and broken hearts.

Communicate. Think about your situation and the state of mind of your partner. If you have been together for several years already, you already know the line of thinking of your spouse and you know the lines and the words that can move him. Don’t just think of your claims and what you are entitled to. Carefully choose the right words and you can start rebuilding your marriage together.

Communicate lovingly but firmly. The affair has to end if it hasn’t already. You can communicate your love to your partner but you should also firmly state your case and what you expect. This isn’t about coercion or blackmail; it is about being true to your vows and your promises. Since you are being true to this, your partner should also demonstrate the same commitment. The first step in healing your marriage is for the affair to stop.

Anticipate your partner’s responses. Since you know your partner well enough, you already know his expected responses. Give allowances for mistakes and time for both of you to recover your bearings. This way, you can both have calmer heads and you can work out how to rebuild your marriage.  

Work together. Love each other. It takes two to tango. There may have been problems in your marriage that led to the affair. But that is already past. You need to work together in rebuilding your marriage since you both love each other. There is no other way. If one of you decides not to help, the results will be devastating.

Rebuilding your relationship is a difficult process but it is not impossible. Communicate with each other and participate in the rebuilding of your marriage.

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You and your partner have known about the affair. To save your marriage, you have to understand that there are several things both you and your partner have to do for your marriage to be promoted.

Make sure the affair is truly over. The affair has to stop! No more communication and interaction at all with the previous lover. If the communication will still continue, then expect that conflicts and quarrels will escalate.

Agree on your mutual goal. At the outset, you should both come to an agreement concerning your marriage. Divorce is not the only option available. When you agree on preserving your marriage, then really work on it.

Ensure mutual accountability. As partners, you are both responsible for each other. You both need to communicate concerning your weaknesses and your problems. This way, you will come to understand each other better and you can work on your marriage.

Enroll in marriage counseling sessions. Getting an outside observer on your marriage can be a good thing because you can expect a more objective appraisal of your situation. This way, you can better understand your issues and your situation.

Identify the issues and work towards solving them. Infidelity may be a window to deeper issues in your life or in your partner’s. As you identify these issues, you can start working together in solving these issues. You will also know what to avoid and how to prevent the affair from happening again.

Restore broken trust. Trust, once broken, is very difficult to give again. As you work together for mutual healing and marital recovery, you can start restoring broken trust by giving it gradually. The pain might still be there and you might fear that your trust will be broken again. But trust, hope and love are our strongest emotions as human beings. Ironically, they are also the greatest source of our pain when we fail in these areas.

Love each other. Love each other! It is not only about feelings or emotions. Love is a verb. When you start caring for your partner again and looking after his or her welfare, the feelings will return eventually. But the best fuel for making your marriage go forward is by loving each other!

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Reestablishing your marriage after an affair is not to be rushed or forced. Making things happen rather than allowing them to change is a common mistake. It is difficult to wait during this ongoing process, but it is very possible to survive the affair. There is hope as long as you are committed to loving each other.

If you agree together, you enter into marriage counseling. It  will be important to be honest and go in with a willingness to make the needed changes, not just find a way out of the pain.This can be a great help for you to sort through the difficulties of your marital problems if you do not put up barriers or resistance. Counseling can heal matters if you let it. If you are refusing to deal with the issues, then the counseling will have limited usefulness. Through marriage counseling, you can have a better perspective of your marriage, you can also explore deeper issues about your relationship, the ways you and your spouse develop intimacy,  how to strengthen your love and your relationship.

Both of you should try to understand the root causes of the affair and your own relationship needs. The affair may stem from lack of communication and quality time, low self-esteem from either partner, there may be addictions, or a deep-rooted fear of intimacy and immaturity. All of these problems may contribute to the development of the affair. During the transitions of your life, you may feel difficulties as both of you are into transition.

These issues have deep roots.

As you go through marriage counseling, you can understand these issues further. The best outcome would be that you will come to understand yourself better and how to avoid the occurrence an affair in the future.

You should commit to the marriage counseling sessions as if your very lives depended on it. If any one of you is not committed, undergoing marriage counseling will never work. Open your mind and your heart. There is a great way to save your marriage and enable you to deal with the difficulties of surviving the affair.

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Your Kids and the Aftermath of the Affair

An affair is very difficult for the aggrieved spouse. It creates a mix of emotions that includes anger, remorse, guilt, and confusion. In most cases, the spouse loses hope that the marriage could get better so they would rather get separated. Some couples, however, choose the road less traveled by resolving their differences and leaving the past affair behind them.

If this is the case for the spouse, an affair is also tough on the kids. They might be silent when the affair is going on or if they notice one of their parents suffering for it. But their emotions and their feelings are also hurt when they learn about the affair. How do you deal with the affair the?

Covering up the affair does not help in the long run. You may want to protect the image of your spouse in the eyes of your children. Covering up is certainly an option. But it will only send the message to your kids that they are not privy to family secrets and affairs.When there are problems in the marriage, the children know it.

It’s better for your kids to know the affair from you rather than from any other source. One way or another, the kids may learn about the affair. Wouldn’t it be better if they learned if from you first hand? This will also enable you to draw strength from them and you can deal with the aftermath of the affair.

Your kids are intelligent and observant. They are not ignorant. Get them together and talk about the affair. It will not be easy and there is no easy way to break the information to them. But talking to them about the affair is a necessary step to mending your marriage. Keep in mind, it is not up to them to fix your marriage. It is not up to them to make you feel better.

There are no established rules on how to deal with your kids about the affair. There are no skeleton keys or magic bullets that work with each family. What  you do as a parent depends on how deeply you know your kids. Just play it by ear and be sensitive to their emotions.

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Love is not all that matters in your relationship. Marriage needs commitment and hard work. Love makes everything all right. But you should be willing to do the “dirty work” and sweat it out. If you don’t, then there is a problem in your relationship.

An affair is sure to rock your marriage. Without true love, commitment and hope, you cannot mend your marriage. Yet, if you can mend your marriage and forego of the past, you love each other indeed!

Yet, there are times that the pain, the bitterness, and the hurt come back. When they do, your marriage is affected and even your well-being. If you continue in that state, your marriage might be in a very big problem.

Is it time then for marriage counseling?

When you find yourself asking this question, look at crucial aspects of your marriage and then decide if it is indeed time for marriage counseling. Just posing the questions indicates that you believe there is something worth saving.

You could not bring back the romance in your marriage. No matter what you do, you cannot seem to bring back the romance and the “magic” in your marriage. And because you cannot, you and your partner feel edgy and paranoid about the status of your marriage.

Although the affair is over, you constantly fight over the littlest thing. Sometimes, it is not the big things that lead to the disintegration of a marriage but the littlest things that add up day after day. When you constantly fight over petty things, then it means that you have some deep-set unresolved issues that have to be solved.

You keep bringing up the affair into your fights. This is perhaps the last straw for your decision. If you notice that the subject of the affair comes up every now and then, you know that you are far from okay.

When you notice these three things in your marriage, then you need to seek marriage counseling. This will help your marriage greatly.

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