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When an affair is discovered, the initial reaction by the resolute spouse is to remove the infidel.

When Phil came home from work, he was surprised to see his belongings scattered through the house. It looked ransacked. Then his saw his wife Candy, standing in the hallway. She looked at him and in a voice of rage screamed “Pack your bags and get out!”

Phil often recalls that day as one filled with pain, remorse, rejection and loneliness.

Removing the infidel, like Candy did with Phil, only removes the surface issues by providing a target to blame. The removal of the adulterous spouse does not improve the relationship, it does not address what is missing in the marriage and it does not provide any long term solutions.

The ‘pack your bag’ episode is often the first in a series of confrontations that each spouse will have to face. Kicking the adulterous spouse out may feel good, yet provide little substance in terms of the healing needed for two hurting people. It takes work to discuss hurts and disappointments. It takes effort to develop team work and the spirit of ‘oneness’ in a marriage.

The command “Pack your bags and get out!” is a big rejection of the adulterous spouse. It not only rejects what they did, it rejects them. Since the ‘pack your bags’ episode often occurs shortly after the discovery of an affair, it is a time when the spouses need each other and each other’s acceptance the most. Instead of obtaining that acceptance, the dramatic ‘pack your bags’ delivers rejection.

The command “Pack your bags..” is often delivered in anger. Such a message is totally different when it is delivered with tears and pleading. In such cases, the pain is too much and being in close proximity to each other would only bring more pain.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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One of the false assumptions concerning affairs is that the lover is all the problem. Many couples assume that by removing the lover from the picture, all the problems are solved. The lover was the infidels solution to the problem. The problem that existed before the affair still exists. The only thing that changed was who was selected as the solution of the problem. If you are seriously interested in solving the problem, recognize that it does not lie with the lover. The lover is only the symptom of deeper relationship or personal problems. With this in mind, when you are looking for answers and solutions, the place to start is with the relationship and in the hearts of the couple.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Dealing with affairs in Massapequa County in New York have opened a new dimension. A couple in that county is in court, with the husband demanding back his kidney or $1.5 million dollars. The husband, Richard Batista, donated his kidney to his wife (Dawnell Batista), who he now claims had been unfaithful to him with a physical therapist. The wife’s lawyer denies the allegations of an affair and is attempting to obtain a gag order in the case, claiming that the husband’s press conference was ‘grotesque’ and harmful to their children. The lawyer claims that Dawnell had not been unfaithful to her former spouse. The husband had been denied access to each of the couples three children since their 2005 divorce.

Such cases illustrate how intense the feelings and accusations are when affairs disrupt a marriage. Although the proceedings seem strange and bizarre, the accusations are not being made by an uneducated populus. Richard Batista is a vascular surgeon on staff at a local hospital.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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The John Edwards affair is worth noting in terms of understanding affairs. It is different that many of the celebrity affairs in how it was handled and what he is saying. It provides some clues as to common patterns in how infidels think and behave. He admits that he started believing he was special, Edwards goes on to talk about the narcissism involved. In other words, he is admitting that it was all about his being selfish, and that he sincerely believed that the rules did not apply to him. It is common that adulterers somehow view that they are too smart to get caught, they are “special” or somehow the rules do not apply. These are common themes that are heard when talking honestly with adulterers.

These common themes are what is worthy to take note of. When a spouse starts showing that “special” or the “rules do not apply to me” mindset, that way of thinking should be a warning sign that an affair is immenent.

It is also noteworthy how the press initially fed into his delusions and gave him great lattitude by refusing to press on the affair issue. Many times political leaders are allowed some lattitude in this area, when their politics agree with the political attitudes that are popular at that time.

He showed his utter disregard for his wife by having the affair while he wife was in the hospital (how nice of him). It is not uncommon for adulterers to take advantage of crisis situations and use them to justify their actions.

In Edwards situation, his wife is wanting to take him back. They have a lot of work to do in repairing what has occurred.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Cinderella went running and left her glass shoes at the palace when the clock struck twelve midnight. I’m sure you still remember her story, how the Prince pursued her and how they lived happily ever after.

Unfortunately for most couples, there isn’t a happily ever after. The prince and princess do not always have a life of bliss after their crisis. At the first sign of trouble, they leave their slippers and their commitment behind and run out of their partnership for good. The likelihood of this is greater with partners who have been married before. The affair can break an enduring marriage because of the deep sense of betrayal and loss of trust. Unlike the Prince in the Cinderella story, a lot of spouses who inflicted the pain of having an affair do not pursue their Cinderella back into their life.

It’s always sad to watch good marriages flounder in mistrust and quarrel. For couples who are going through this stage think that divorce might be the best option. That means, however, that they have given up totally on their marriage!

How about you? If you’re reading this article, then you or somebody you know is probably going through the painful aftermath of an affair. Should you leave the palace for good like what Cinderella has done? Would you wait for the “Prince” to rescue you?

Perhaps a better option would be working out for your marriage after an affair. You might have to spend sometime outside the “castle” of your marriage and think things through. Allow your pain, your bitterness and your anger to simmer down so you would be able to think clearly.

After your period of thinking and assessing the situation, talk to your spouse about the affair. It will be uncomfortable. It will hurt. It will be a difficult time for both of you. But talk anyway. There is no better way of discovering the root causes of the affair. You might discover shortcomings on your end, too. But more importantly, effective communication is the best way to understand each other.

The good thing about communication is that you will be reminded of the importance of the good things about your spouse. And that might be one of the best ways to get back on track with your marriage.

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This is one of the more difficult questions that arise in the course of dealing with affairs. This question is one that challenges your commitment to your spouse, your values and yourself. Many people look for a skeleton key that unlocks all the locks and answers all the questions. There is no one size fits all answer to this kind of question, other than is you safety in danger. If you are in danger physically, emotionally or spiritually, you will need to go and go quickly. Although that should be a common sense response, with many people, the intensity of the bonding with their spouse makes it difficult to even know when they are in danger.

You will need to be honest about what constitutes a ‘real’ threat. There have been many counselors and lawyers who have exloited people in this area. You will need to be honest with yourself about the level of the threat. If you can not tell a real threat from a possible one, there are other questions you need to be considering.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Should You Get Divorce after an Affair?

You were hurt and you feel deeply betrayed. You ask yourself, “How can I trust my spouse again?” because of emotions and internal conflicts, you may become desperate in seeking for the right answers and the right solutions.

The most instinctive response to an affair is divorce. But is it really worth getting? Are you dead set on ending a relationship that seems to have ceased working? Before getting a divorce, you should carefully think through several things.

Don’t you love your spouse anymore? This question might be tough to answer for you. Even if you love your spouse, you can say that there are other things that could make a marriage work and that you are already at the end of your limit.

Do you wish to close the door to your spouse permanently? When you answer this, it might mean that you are closing the possibility of reconciliation. It means that you have given up on your marriage for good. This also means that you no longer believe that your spouse is capable of changing.

Is there an alternative other than divorce? Yes, there is! You can affirm your love and go through the process of rebuilding your marriage. Admittedly, it is the more difficult option. If you love each other enough and you are willing to work it out, then both of you can stand side by side and weather the storm that an affair caused.  

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The London Telegraph carried a story this morning about a woman who had an affair. The affair resulted in a pregnancy, which she hid from her lover/roommate. After giving birth to the stillborn child, she hid the body in the trunk (boot) of her car.  The story serves as a reminder that eventually affairs will be found out. The lies eventually have to stop. In the woman’s case, she lied to her roommate, she lied to the police and no telling who else. What astounds me is that the roommate fell for the lie that she was putting on weight due to an allergy. The astounding thing about affairs is not only the lies, but the lies that people believe.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Communicate and Participate in Rebuilding Your Marriage

Communication is a two-way process. If all you do is talk and talk and talk without considering your partner, he or she might just leave you talking.Health communication allows for both you to talk and listen. The amount of time each talks requires parity. When one person is doing all that talking, then there is little communication going on.

If you knew how to talk, you should learn how to listen.You need to giver your spouse emotional space. Allow them to respond on their time table, not yours. If you ask a question, wait for a response rather than answering it yourself.

If you are the type that simply keeps mum and wait for your partner to do the talking, you should stop being passive and assert yourself! Rather than shutting down, you need to speak out. Being passive does not help your marriage. What you need to do is to cultivate an attitude of taking responsibility and taking action in rebuilding your marriage.

An affair is a very devastating process to go through. But if you take responsibility and work in rebuilding your marriage, you can succeed. You may have to take the responsibility of giving space or the responsibility of speaking up. But if you remain passive, or domineering you might just end up with a divorce and broken hearts.

Communicate. Think about your situation and the state of mind of your partner. If you have been together for several years already, you already know the line of thinking of your spouse and you know the lines and the words that can move him. Don’t just think of your claims and what you are entitled to. Carefully choose the right words and you can start rebuilding your marriage together.

Communicate lovingly but firmly. The affair has to end if it hasn’t already. You can communicate your love to your partner but you should also firmly state your case and what you expect. This isn’t about coercion or blackmail; it is about being true to your vows and your promises. Since you are being true to this, your partner should also demonstrate the same commitment. The first step in healing your marriage is for the affair to stop.

Anticipate your partner’s responses. Since you know your partner well enough, you already know his expected responses. Give allowances for mistakes and time for both of you to recover your bearings. This way, you can both have calmer heads and you can work out how to rebuild your marriage.  

Work together. Love each other. It takes two to tango. There may have been problems in your marriage that led to the affair. But that is already past. You need to work together in rebuilding your marriage since you both love each other. There is no other way. If one of you decides not to help, the results will be devastating.

Rebuilding your relationship is a difficult process but it is not impossible. Communicate with each other and participate in the rebuilding of your marriage.

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You and your partner have known about the affair. To save your marriage, you have to understand that there are several things both you and your partner have to do for your marriage to be promoted.

Make sure the affair is truly over. The affair has to stop! No more communication and interaction at all with the previous lover. If the communication will still continue, then expect that conflicts and quarrels will escalate.

Agree on your mutual goal. At the outset, you should both come to an agreement concerning your marriage. Divorce is not the only option available. When you agree on preserving your marriage, then really work on it.

Ensure mutual accountability. As partners, you are both responsible for each other. You both need to communicate concerning your weaknesses and your problems. This way, you will come to understand each other better and you can work on your marriage.

Enroll in marriage counseling sessions. Getting an outside observer on your marriage can be a good thing because you can expect a more objective appraisal of your situation. This way, you can better understand your issues and your situation.

Identify the issues and work towards solving them. Infidelity may be a window to deeper issues in your life or in your partner’s. As you identify these issues, you can start working together in solving these issues. You will also know what to avoid and how to prevent the affair from happening again.

Restore broken trust. Trust, once broken, is very difficult to give again. As you work together for mutual healing and marital recovery, you can start restoring broken trust by giving it gradually. The pain might still be there and you might fear that your trust will be broken again. But trust, hope and love are our strongest emotions as human beings. Ironically, they are also the greatest source of our pain when we fail in these areas.

Love each other. Love each other! It is not only about feelings or emotions. Love is a verb. When you start caring for your partner again and looking after his or her welfare, the feelings will return eventually. But the best fuel for making your marriage go forward is by loving each other!

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