Although it is the 21st century the morals of some people are primitive. As strange as it sounds, there are some adults who still “don’t get it”. These are the ones who have a tribal/communal moral code. They see nothing wrong with flaunting their love in front of your children, they see nothing wrong with affairs, they see nothing wrong with serial relationships. They are not stupid, they are just primitive. Although we may ask “How can they think what they are doing is OK?”. There are some people who really do not see anything wrong with such actions. Trying to explain things to them or bring them to some moral awakening is futile.
Being married to someone with such primitive morals is challenging to say the least. Even when you take them to divorce court, it will not “turn on the light” so that they will see the “error of their ways”. They really don’t get it. Trying to wake them up or enlighten them is only going to frustrate you. Such people may have been fun to date, but that animalistic “let’s get it on” mentality does not provide a solid foundation for marriage and family. It also sets the stage for likely infidelities.
Recognize that not everyone has the same moral compass that you do. Not everyone views affairs as wrong. Recognizing this is the first step in dealing with such behavior.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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Bringing Back the Lost Passion in Your Marriage
People who engage in an affair often do so out of a misplaced longing for passion. The problem is, they pursue it outside of their marriage. When they do, they hurt themselves and their spouses who love them deeply. What they do not realize is that passion brings pain.
When you are newly married and excited with your spouse, the passion is there. You can sense it and people also recognize it. Yet, as time goes by and children come into your lives, bills pile up and unresolved issues become bigger. The passion dissipates and both of you are wondering where your marriage has gone to.
And then your spouse finds passion elsewhere. The affair becomes full-blown and you discover it. The result of course, is devastation, betrayal and anger. Suddenly, all sorts of emotions rush to you. Jealousy, anger, rage and even love intertwine inside your heart.
It was misplaced passion that took your spouse away. Learning how to deal with passion can also help restore your marriage.
But it takes time and it takes work. Hard work. Restoring passion to your marriage is not a one-person affair. You will need to work with your spouse. You need to communicate more often, talk about your plans, your goals and even your deepest fears. Such small talks can help you stoke the fires of your love and your passion.
As you go through this, the small things that you do will add up until your realize that your passion for each other is building up again. Just be patient. Love might not be enough but at least you are working for your marriage and that will help bring back the passion into your marriage.
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Bring Back the Passion to Your Marriage after an Affair
One thing that would suffer during an affair is the passion in marriage. Slowly, the passion evaporates. You and your spouse just take each other for granted. Life goes on and then poof!
An affair happens, leaving you both in shock and your marriage in shambles.
Yet, your marriage is not too hopeless for saving. But both of you will need to work it out. You might see divorce as the only logical option but it is not. What you need to do is to recover your composure. Make sure that the affair is really over and you can start to bring back the passion in your marriage.
People fall in love for all sorts of reasons. What they don’t realize is that sometimes, love really isn’t always enough. There are bills to pay, there are negative character traits of your spouse that you have to live with and there are instances that you will have to elevate the quality of your love.
An affair can rock the very foundations of your marriage. If both of you decides to stick it out and affirm your love, you need to do more than just staying together. You need to bring back the passion in your marriage.
You should grow together, do things together and really live together. Sometimes, it’s not the big things that strengthen your relationship. Rather, it is the small things. Going out on bicycles on a Sunday afternoon, fishing with your spouse, or just sipping coffee on the porch on a nice evening. This way, you can communicate better and you slowly bring back the passion in your marriage.
If you successfully do this, marriage will no longer be routine and predictable, you live with awe and wonder everyday of your life.
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Although high drama showdowns make for entertainment at the movies, such episodes are not good for relationships. Even though we want a one time episode to “get it all out”, life does not work that way. If you are expecting to ‘fix’ everything with one meeting or one talk with your spouse, it is unlikely to occur. Wounds, including the emotional ones take time to heal. In taking time to heal, it also takes time for the feelings to emerge, and the issues to become clear.
If you plan on having a big showdown, especially in public, you need to change your plan. Showdowns in public places are a form of manipulation. When you are wanting forgiveness, you want the genuine article, not something coerced out of someone due to manipulaiton. The big showdown may provide an emotional release and provide an audience, but it does little to resolve the issues concerning the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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Affairs crash into lives with the devastation of a major pile-up. With the power of an 18-wheeler, it runs over your personal identity and self-esteem, crushing you in the process.
You began asking yourself, “What have I done wrong?” “What have I done to deserve this?” “What should I do?”
You become a confluence of negative emotions. Suddenly, all the little things that mattered in your relationship come tumbling down. Betrayal and trust go out of the window. And your heart shuts down like a virus-infected computer.
If you allow it, the sense of betrayal can plunge you into depression, you lose your self-esteem and you feel like being exiled into the deepest recesses of your heart.
As you go through this process, having a support group is very crucial. Talk to your closest friends. Let out your emotions. Your friends can help you bear the burden you carry. Although the help of a professional counselor is important, a friend’s friendly pat on the back, hugs and even the empathy and sympathy can help you recover.
As you work through your emotions, keep in mind that your identity and your self-esteem are not tied up with your marriage and in your spouse. Who you are is different from your decisions. Who you are is different that who you associate with. Your relationship may have failed, but that does not mean that you have failed. Your spouse may reject you, but that does not mean you have no worth or are not worth loving. Marriage where the whole sense of identity and self-esteem are wrapped around the marriage have the hardest time adjusting to an affair.
You are a unique person with a unique personality. Go back to your strengths and your successes as a person. When you have strengthened your self-esteem, then you are strong enough to rebuild a relationship.The pouting will need to be put behind if you want to be in relationship with someone. When you regain your maturity, then you can face your spouse, not to beg for him or her to go back, but for both of you to work out your marriage. You can face it as an adult rather than a dependent child. Marriage is for adults, not children. Marriage requires emotional maturity. There is a reason for age limits on marriage. You need maturity to marry, you need maturity to work on repairing a marriage.
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Although it is offered as an excuse, the saying “Affairs just happen” is a misnomer. Many times the couple has communication or intimacy problems, and the opportunity arises for things to happen. Another scenario is when a partners uses drugs or alcohol. In such cases, the drug or alcohol abuse had been going on prior to the affair. The user can be impulsive, but the problem with self-control began before the temptation for an affair came alone.
Using the phrase “Affair just happen” is a convenient way to excuse what occurred and avoid looking at what was behind it. The stage for an affair is often long before it occurs. Taking a look at what led up often requires painful self-exploration. The affair is often someone’s solution to problem. The key quesition is what is the real problem or the underlying problem? If your spouse has given you the “It just happened” story, consider what is behind it. Take a look at what did the affair ‘fix’ or attempt to ‘fix’. What did the affair provide that was not there previously? Dealing with that quesiton will yeild more usefull material than trying to understand what happened that night or what you spouse did. It will help you understand what they were looking for, what made them vulnerable, what set the stage for things to happen.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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Having an affair is taking a risk. In many ways it is akin to gambling, where part of the thrill is the danger of the risk itself. Like gambling, it can become addictive as well. When a person experiences the rush of adrenalin associated with an affair, it is difficult to go back to routine and dull compared to what they have gone through.
If your spouse is a gambler, chances are they have taken changes with their financies as well as their marriage. If you are hoping for big bucks in a divorce settlement, you may want to think twice. If they gamble at one, they have taken risk and are likely on the edge of credit as well. Those with solid, conservative wealth, are more likely to protect their wealth and not take risks. Having an affair is taking an unnecessary risk. They are putting their marriage and finances at risk. The money conscious types will not want to expose themselves like that.
If you sposue is a “living on the edge” type, the likelihood of putting your hands on a large settlement is small. The courts may award it, but that is far from collecting it.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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Automobiles often have lights on the dashboard that alert you to malfunctions going on with the vehicle. These lights are often termed “idiot lights” by those who work on cars. The lights often go on when things are ‘bad’. Had the early warning signs been attended to, the problem would have been fixed before it became a major repair.
Likewise, relationships have signals that let people know when there are problems. Ignoring these signals can lead to major problems. Some people are very blind to signals that indicate there is ‘trouble’. What are some of these signals?
1. Your spouse increases the physical distance from you on a regular basis.
2. Your spouse is very secretive about how they spend their mone.
3. Your spouse maintains a seperate banking account.
4. Your spouse has bills mailed to the office, rather than the home.
5. Your spouse keeps a spare set of clothes in their vehicle.
6. Your spouse is secretive about their cell phone.
7. Your spouse maintains strict vigilance regarding computer access to their passwords and e-mail accounts.
8. Your spouse is always texting or e-mailing people.
9. Your spouse is suddenly interested in getting fit when there has not been a health crisis.
10. Your spouse changes their cologne or the way they wear their hair for some unexplained reason.
11. Your spouse violates limits with persons of the opposite sex, and dismisses it as ‘nothing’.
12. Your spouse claims that you are imaging things.
This is only a partial list. If one or two items show up, it may be nothing major. If you have three or more of these—RED ALERT! You need to take immediate action.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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When it comes to affairs, there is often a great deal of debate about what actions constitute and affair. Discussions about that are often heated. Another area needing attention is where do you draw the line in terms of how much you are willing to put up with? Knowing this will help you know at what point you will take action. When you do not have a clear line drawn, youmay find yourself fudging and compromising your values away.
Since affairs are very messy and entangling, it is essential to set boundaries and draw lines. When you are ready to get yourself out of the swampy mess, decide where you draw the line. You need to have a clear idea of when ‘enough is enough’. You need to first tell yourself where you draw your line. Once that is established, then you will need to let your spouse know what your line is. They need to know 1. That there are limits as to what you will accept, 2. That you will not allow those limits to be violated. When there are no limits, the chaos tends to spread and engulf anything it comes in contact with.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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I often hear the question, “Why doesn’t she leave him?” or “Why does he put up with her?”. These are questions often asked regarding affairs. The questions arise when outsiders do not understand the bonding that has taken place. When couples have been together for a while, there is bonding. The bonding occurs on many levels. When there is ‘traumatic bonding’ the bonding is very strong, although often due to emotional trauma endured to create the bond.
When a couple with a traumatic bond experience an affair, strange things happen. Although the bonded spouse sees and ackowledges signs of the infidelity, the bonding that has occurred will prevent them from leaving the relationship. It is one thing if the spouse is committed to the relationship, it is another if they are an emotional slave who is staying in the relationship due to the emotional bondage that has been programmed into them. When there is emotional bondage, whatever threatening information is presented to them is often denied or distorted in order to remove the threatening aspect of it.
If you are one of those staying due to traumatic bonds, you have bigger problems than just the affair. These issues will need to be dealt with if the relationship and your own mental health is to be restored.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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