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One of the weird things that I have encountered with affairs is the strong similarities between the infidels spouse and the lover. Although they may deny it, the choice in lover often reveals hidden needs. When the lover look like the spouse, though perhaps a younger, sexier version, the choice indicates that they really do love their spouse, although they have trouble loving the present day version of the spouse. Making close observations of the lover can tell you more than you ever imagined, when you know what to look for.  Most of the time, the spouse reacts strongly to the lover out of an “it’s not me!” mentality, even though on closer observation, it is a version of ‘me’. Spouses often have to ask someone close to them to make observations, since they are too close to see such similarities.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

affairs, choosing a lover, factors behind the choice in a lover, Understanding Affairs

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Many couples wait until the damage is massive before they decide to work on their marriage. After the spirit of oneness and tenderness is destroyed, they wonder if they can ever get that back. They delay taking action until the pain reaches a level which they can no longer tolerate. The time to take action is when there is distance in the relationship, not when the pain becomes unbearable. The choice of using pain as their barometer of action rather than distance in their relationship is a fatal one. It is important in responding to the issues to respond when there are changes in the distance rather than after people take action like an affair to make that distance permanent.

Typically when people ask “Is there any hope?”, they have waited until the pain is intense and unbearable. They are wanting a magic cure that will ‘zap’ their marriage back to the earlier days. Deciding to wait until the pain became unbearable is part of the problem that got them to where they are at. Rather than asking such questions, they need to be at work correcting how they relate to their spouse.

Rather than ask the question-TAKE ACTION! Do something to improve your marriage now!

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

affairs, distance in marriage, hope for relationship, hope in marriage, Rebuilding the relationship

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Stopping an extra-marital relationship takes more than making resolutions about it. Stopping the affair means ending the physical relationship and changing the emotional relationship.  Once the affair is ended, it is not easy to leave that part of one’s life behind. It often takes a conscious effort to transform or change the feelings that you once had for that one’s lover. The needs they once met are now unmet and what they satisfied are now unsatisfied. The adjustment requires acknowledging the pain and then transforming it.

When the affair is ended on the physical level, but not severed emotionally or spiritually, it is only a matter of time before another affair (either of the body or heart) to occur.  Working through the change process takes more than will power.

Choosing to end the affair is a good first step, but that is not the only step involved in stopping the pattern of affairs.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs, infidelity and resolutions, new years and cheaters, new years resloutions and affairs, Rebuilding the relationship

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The dating service known as “Ashley Madison” (they call themselves an agency) often advertises their services as “Life is Short, Have an Affair”.  They even go so far as to offer a money back guarantee.  With near 5 million members, there are many who have taken advantage of their offer. Although they advertise that those who take advantage of the offer will have ‘an affair to remember’ , the question arises as to “What do you do after Ashley Madison?” When the ‘affair to remember’ is over, how does one clean up the mess and pick up the pieces of their lives and families?

The affair will likely be something to remember, but how does one clean up the resulting nightmare. Although some couples have no problem with affairs, there are many that do have problems with the lying and disloyalty of an affair. For some, the whole affair experience amounts to being trapped into a lifestyle and a series of lies that they are desperate to escape from. If you are one of those who do not approve of affairs, or what to escape the lifestyle, there is hope. You can escape that trap. Although the affair may have been a horrid experience that leaves scars on the lives of everyone it touches, you can make changes to repair and improve your marriage. An affair does not have to mean the end of the marriage. It does mean that some major repair work is needed in the marriage relationship and within the lives of those impacted by the affair, including the adulterer.   Find out what steps you can take now to pull out of that lifestyle at SurviveYourPartnersAffair.com .

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

affairs, Ashley Madison, cheating, cheating lifestyles, life is short have an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, Reducing the Risk

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It is darn near impossible to argue with someone who is listening to you. Likewise if you listen, really listen to your spouse, it will be hard for them to start an argument or fight. In the aftermath of an affair, many couples find themselves caught up in attack-defend-let me explain myself mentality rather than actually listening to what their spouse is saying.  This chaotic cycle of fighting is worsened by the images that many couples use as their role models for how couples should address the problem. If couples would quite using movies and television for inspiration and instead focus on listening and understanding each other, many problems of chaos would disappear. The “Affair Recovery System” presents many ways to improve your ability to listen along with what not to say in the midst of such chaos. A common mistake is to speak one’s mind only to find that no one was listening to it.

You cannot argue with someone who listens to you. You may want to give it a try. Rather than defend, correct or otherwise make excuses, try listening.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs, cheating, listening to your spouse, Rebuilding the relationship

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When I was younger, my dad told me that “If you get into a girl’s pants, rest assured that you are not the first nor will you be the last”. In dealing with couples faced with affairs, I can appreciate what he told me. When an attractive female is easy to get into bed, there is usually a reason (or attractive male).  Although the man getting into the ladies pants thinks that he has just accomplished something, the reality is, it is probably a set up or trap and he does not recognize that he just fell for it.

One of the classic scams is for a woman to come on to a man. Once she has him hooked, she presents the threat (my husband is getting out of prison, my husband is coming back from his trip…). The man then attempts to escape. What follows is a series of threats to reveal the “affair” or show the pictures unless a particular amount of money is paid.

Here the affair situation is turned into a blackmail scenario. What started as a ‘hot’ relationship turns into a nightmare with a large tab.

When the man or woman is too easy, or too convenient, there is often a reason for it.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs, affairs and blackmail, blackmail, cheating, History of Affairs, Understanding Affairs

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One of the problems with the 70’s was that there were people who took the “If it feels good, do it” mentality and applied it to their marriages.  Although the 70’s are long gone, there are still many people who adhere to the “If it feels good, do it!” mentality. The danger with this kind of thinking is that emotions begin to dictate reality rather than morals or laws. Those afflicted with the “If it feels good, do it” mindset allow their emotions and particularly the satisfaction of those feelings as more important than the other dimensions of their lives. To others, such persons are viewed as selfish. The selfish label fits in that their personal sensations are more important than any one else’s reactions or responses. Instead of right vs. wrong, in their thinking, the new choices become “does it feel good? v does it feel bad?” or “Is it fulfilling? versus Does it leave me feeling empty?”

Although the modern age often wants to cast aside morals in favor of sexual freedoms, there are reasons why certain acts and situations have been in disfavor for the centuries of man’s existence. Humans learned some lessons over the generations. Even though a modern generation may think itself smarter or more brillant than those of previous ages, casting aside morality in favor of self-gratification has disasterous effects on those around them and in suceeding generations.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

70s, affairs, cheating, hedonism, infidelity, overcoming cheating, Understanding Affairs

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In pondering the origin of affairs, there are some observations that I have made. It is common knowledge that infidelity and affairs are often the subject, it not the focus of material on television and the movies. Affairs are also all over the news. In an insane manner, we term the constant diet of infidelity “entertainment”.  We are being shown that such behavior is ‘normal’ , excusing the acts as ‘they can’t help it’.  With the consumption of so many hours of infidelity and cheating, is it any surprise that some people give in to the temptation?

The many hours of exposure to infidelity is not a new observation. I am not saying that watching it makes it happen either. What puzzled me was ‘how’ does viewing that many hours of infidelity impact a person? We know that it does impact, but not the mechanism of impact. What I observed was that viewing such material ‘desensitizes’ people. They are essentially numbed out to being sensitve to their spouses and relationship issues. While in a desensitized state, they make poor choices. Among the poor choices are either giving in to the urge, ignoring the warning signs of the affair, or just plan ignoring the needs of the spouse. While in a densensitized state, the person often begins looking at other men or women. Temptations and situations they would normally avoid, they find themselves in the middle of. Situations that decades ago only occurred in clubs, discos, honkytonks, juke joints and ice houses,  are now happening in the homes of nations around the world. Television and movies have crept into places where such ideas previously would not have been welcomed.  Perversion and disloyaly are now being accepted and tolerated, whereas in previous generations they would have been shunned and shamed.

The desensitization has brought with it numerous problems.Removing oneself from this mire is not easy, yet it is worth the effort.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery in the movies, affairs, Affairs in the News, cheating, how adultery affects us, how viewing infidelity affects us, infidelity, infidelity in the movies, infidelity in the news, observations on affairs, Understanding Affairs

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I am often asked “Is there any hope for us?”. When clients ask the question, they often seek a combination of reassurance and fortune telling. They have often spent years tearing down each other and now want an “outsider” to come along and make things better. I often wish it was that simple. The more pressing question is “Have you given up hope?” or “What are you looking for hope from me, when the persons you need to ask are you and your spouse?”

The giving up of hope is often a major turning point in relationships. That juncture is when decide if they want to fight for their relationship or just ‘let it die’. They want a magic answer that  somehow give them the ability to carry on and work through things. Looking to people outside of the relationship for answers is part of what got them into the mess in the first place. Repeating the pattern is not changing the pattern. Instead of repeating the pattern, they need to make changes in how they do things and where they look for answers. Wanting a single person outside of their marriage to change and transform the relationship is the same thinking behind the affair. The person did indeed transform the relationship, although in a manner they were not seeking.

Couples often need the help of a counselor in helping them, although helping is very different than the counselor fixing the relationship.  Seeking outside direction is often helpful. It is when they want the outside sources to ‘take away the pain’ and magically ‘fix’ the relationship that problems worsen. The haunting reality is that they will need to honestly address “Where does your hope lie?” When they find the source of that hope, and take action, then changes will occur.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs, hope for relationships, marriage counseling after an affair, overcoming cheating, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

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As humans, we all need to be in relationship. Part of being ‘in relationship’ is feeling connected to people who are important to us. This need for being ‘in relationship’ is part of the natural process of being human. Anyone who grows up healthy and functional has this need. In functional marriages, this need is often satisfied in the relationship between the spouses. Problems arise when the relationship with the spouse does not satisfy the need to be connected to others. Often those struggling through those times develop attachments to substitutes. These substitutes may be hobbies, religious activities, or even socially oriented activities. The substitutions, like all substitutions only temporarily address the needs. Being that they only temporarily address the needs, the person with the needs may continue feeling empty and unconnected despite being active and involved. In such cases, they are vulnerable to affairs. They are so hungry for a sense of connectedness and relationship that in an act of desperation, they use the relationship with the other person as a way to satisfy their needs for relationship. The danger lies in that affair relationships by their very nature can not meet the need that the person seeking them is after. Relationships are chosen that leave them feeling more alienated and unconnected than they did at first.

In attempting to understand the “why” behind affairs, there are often basic needs that were not being addressed or satisfied in the marriage. One of these basic needs is the need to be ‘in relationship’. This need is often confused with sex, since people often use sex as a means to connect, without realizing that the need was for the relationship, not the sex.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs, cheating and the needs of the cheater, infidelity, relationships, the needs of relationships, Understanding Affairs

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