One concern expressed by those who have been impacted by affairs is “How long does the pain last?” The answer depends on which person you are talking about. Affairs have a way of inflicting pain across the generations and through time. You may excuse and forgive the infidelity, but will your children forgive it? Will they think that it is understandable or forgivable? A common rationalization concerning adultery is that it is “two consenting adults”.  Yes, but those adults have bonds with other people. What those two adults do impacts many others now and in the future. Consider if you want your grandchild to approach you and ask “Why did you have an affair?” Even if they don’t ask you in person, they ask it privately and come up with their own answers.

Although you and your spouse may forgive the incident and believe the hurt is over. The loss of reputation and the pain associated with it cuts across the generations. The same short sightedness that led to the affair often prevents people from seeing how their actions affect future generations, especially when there is a pregancy involved. So in response to the question “How long does the pain last?” -No one knows. Even to this day, the pain of historic affairs such as Julius Ceasar and Herod’s picadillos are still taked about and associated with the shame and tarnished images associated with those figures.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Affairs and Children, affairs and the effects, effects of affairs on children through the generations, infidelity and reputations, Understanding Affairs

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The hurt associated with affairs lasts a long time. Although you and your spouse may think that the hurt is over when all is finally forgiven or a commitment is made. Although such actions may end part of the hurt, affairs have a way of reaching across the generations. The reach of affairs goes both backwards and forwards. The scars and shame associated with affairs is often carried by the children and grand-children. These generations wanted forebearers they could count on, they could believe in and instead they are given someone who disappoints them.

I have also tried to put into words the pains that people experience. This hurt that goes across the generations is a dark, empty hollow experience. This is in contrast to the adulterer who may have described their life as one filled with experiences, some good, some bad. No matter how they sugar coat the episodes of their lives, the children and grand children continue carrying the shame.

Although each person may have some personal variations of their experience there are some common themes that come back to the dark empty pain.

This is also part of what needs to be addressed in overcoming affairs, but is often ignored.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Affairs and Children, cheating, dealing with the shame of an affair, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships, the effects of affairs on children and grand children, the effects of affairs on the parents

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Your Kids and the Aftermath of the Affair

 

An affair is very difficult for the aggrieved spouse. It creates a mix of emotions that includes anger, remorse, guilt, and confusion. In most cases, the spouse loses hope that the marriage could get better so they would rather get separated. Some couples, however, choose the road less traveled by resolving their differences and leaving the past affair behind them.

 

If this is the case for the spouse, an affair is also tough on the kids. They might be silent when the affair is going on or if they notice one of their parents suffering for it. But their emotions and their feelings are also hurt when they learn about the affair. How do you deal with the affair the?

 

Covering up the affair does not help in the long run. You may want to protect the image of your spouse in the eyes of your children. Covering up is certainly an option. But it will only send the message to your kids that they are not privy to family secrets and affairs.When there are problems in the marriage, the children know it.

 

It’s better for your kids to know the affair from you rather than from any other source. One way or another, the kids may learn about the affair. Wouldn’t it be better if they learned if from you first hand? This will also enable you to draw strength from them and you can deal with the aftermath of the affair.

 

Your kids are intelligent and observant. They are not ignorant. Get them together and talk about the affair. It will not be easy and there is no easy way to break the information to them. But talking to them about the affair is a necessary step to mending your marriage. Keep in mind, it is not up to them to fix your marriage. It is not up to them to make you feel better.

 

There are no established rules on how to deal with your kids about the affair. There are no skeleton keys or magic bullets that work with each family. What  you do as a parent depends on how deeply you know your kids. Just play it by ear and be sensitive to their emotions.

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After my post yesterday on the effects of lying on children, further insights came to me. When change happens, there are the initial or primary effects and there are the secondary effects. The idea of primary and secondary effects is well established. These ideas also apply human behavior such as lying.

Some of the secondary effects are that when parents lie about their own behavior, it will continue spreading to where they lie about the behavior of others. This also includes their own children. You will often find such parents lying or distorting the facts about what their children do. This is easily seen when the child acts out. The parents report of what happened will either be distorted or lied about in order to make it more acceptable. What is saddening is that when parents develp a pattern of lying, they will find themselves doing so as ’second nature’. They will be able to do it without thinking. Lying will have become as natural as breathing. Children growing up in such a world will find that their misbehaviors are often ignored or treated as ’something they can’t help. The idea of children being held responsible for their misbehaviors is no longer the standard used in the home. In order to allow the affair to continue, people are expected to keep secrets and maintain loyalty to only certain members of their group. There will be an ‘insiders’ group and an ‘outsiders’ group. Being raised in such an environment is unhealthy for children.

If you are in such a situation, it is important to begin taking steps to undo what has been done. Start by being honest with yourself and your family. Set up some accountability. Set up consistent structures that will add stability to the family.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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In the same way that milk and cookies go together, affairs and lying go together. The whole foundation of the relationship is based on lies. The parties involved lie either to themselves or their paramours about their dating status. The relationship begins on a premise of untruth or a total disregard of the truth.

When a relationship begins with a total disregard of truth and acceptance of lying, it is not surprising that the lies only become more frequent and have larger proportions. I am amazed at parents who have affairs and are then surprised when their children lie to them or disregard their parental authority. I am not surprised that the child does this, what surprises me is the hubris of the parent in expecting the child to be honest and to respect them. Children are not stupid. They see what is going on. They soon figure out that the moral system preached is vastly different than the one lived. Given the contradictory message they are given, they act accordingly. The children act in a logical manner. It is the parents that are illogical in expecting the child to live in a moral world that they themselves reject.

Sadly, many parents would rather medicate their child than address the real issue of their own irresponsibility. The having of an affair is a matter of hedonistic self-gratification. The child acting out is a natural consequence of the parents choices. At times the child reacts to the parents attitude and at other times it is their behavior. Even when parents think that they are smart enough to keep awareness of the affair from their child, the child knows something is not right. The child instictively knows the truth of what is going on. The only person deceived is the parent.

This past weekend, I saw this kind of situation in action. The parent continued maintaining their denial and avoidance of responsibility in the situation. It is my hope that by addressing the effects of lying that it wakes some parents up so that the situation can be improved.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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In expanding the resources available to those dealing with the pain of infidelity, I have posted several hub pages on various Infidelity related topics.

Is it lying or denial?  This hub deals with discerning whether the behaviors you are dealing with are plain and simple lying or something else.

Is it love or love addiction? This hub deals with telling the difference between affairs and possible love addictions.

Infidelity and Custody Concerns. This hub deals with the custody related problems that often occur in conjunction with infidelity.

Infidelity and Parental Alienation Syndrome. This hub deals with a controversial topic in the area of affairs and infidelity.

Time, Money and Infidelity. This hub deals with the role that money plays in the start and on-going aspects of affairs.

There are some other hubs on infidelity as well. These provide more information than the blog post if you want more in depth reading and understanding than the posts provide.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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The military uses a term for damage inflicted unintentionally on those who happen to be in the combat area. The term, “collateral damage” is used in describing these effects. In dealing with affairs, there is also collateral damage. One group of people that suffer greatly as a result of collateral damage is the children. Affairs hurt children, whether they be toddlers or grown adults. The damage done to the children can be long term and hidden.

Years after an affair is over, the children may still carry shame, anger or guilt related to the affair. Younger children often blame themselves for anything that parents do. Love children especially carry burdens related to affairs. Even grown children can carry symptoms related to an affair. Once an affair occurs, the relationship is damaged between spouses and between parent and child. The trust level that once existed is now gone.

Some adulterous parents are stunned that their children still don’t trust them due to an affair that may have occurred years before. Besides trust, another aspect of the relationship that is destroyed is that of expectations. The relationship that could have been is no longer possible. Prior to having an affair, it is important to consider the cost, both short term and long term. Is having a hot fling worth risking alienation with your children for years to come? Just because you do not see the damage does not mean that it is not there.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery and children, Affairs and Children, cheating, infidelity, relationships, Understanding Affairs

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The musician Carlos Santana is going through a divorce related to his unfaithfulness. The news reports claim that he did things when he wasn’t thinking straight. He did make it a point to apologize to both his wife and children, since they are also affected by infidelity. Although the musician has done many good works, infidelity has a way of ruining whatever good you may have undertaken. It also goes to show that money and fame do not make one immune from affairs. Infidelity affects all economic groups.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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This news story brings to light that Mississippi is one of the few states in the Union of States that allows a spouse to sue when someone steals them. The ‘alienation of affection’ claim makes affairs more painful in that state than in others. In the latest round, the paramour, Jerry Fitch is seeking limits on how much money he will have to pay the spurned husband, Johnny Valentine. The affair started when the wife began working for Jerry Fitch and the two eventually became involved with each other.

The court case, in this instance is being taken to the United States Supreme Court. It seems that Jerry Fitch is fighting having to pay the money out. Many people who have affairs try to limit the damages, with little success. This is one of the first affair cases I have seen taken to the Supreme Court.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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In a survey of material related to affairs, I came across a population that routinely expressed difficulty dealing with affairs. This population is grown children who discover that one of their parents is having an affair. These episodes are often viewed as painful and heart wrenching. Although younger children seem to adjust with greater flexibility, the older children have a more difficult time with affairs, even though they can understand the circumstances better. There is difficulty in the child accepting the news and also with the infidel parent having to tell the child what they have done. The emotions they struggle with are associated with betrayal, and abandonment. This population is mentioned only briefly in the literature, even though for those that have experienced such pain, it was a major turning point in their lives. Although contemporary society often works toward justifying and excusing affairs, the lives of the children effected by such behavior remained scarred for many years afterwards.

If you have had an affair and have grown children, you may want to make sure that the relationship is intact. Oftentimes, the hurts are hidden and are rarely discussed in the open. They are very real and continue being a major influence.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Affairs and Children, Understanding Affairs

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