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Knowing the price tag of an item before one purchases it often helps in determining whether or not one is obtaining a ‘good deal’.  There are even groups like Consumer Reports and Underwriters Laboratories which provide information to consumers to help them make good choices. Although these services are available for products, there are no such services for the relational consequences of affairs. There is no sticker on the window to let you know the full price of that ‘must have’ affair.  The price of an affair is never cheap, no matter where you shop.

Among the relational consequences of affairs (which is part of the total price) are: emotional distancing, distrust, loss of reputation, guilt, desire for revenge, insecurity, and loss of self-respect. These consequences occur in the spouse to spouse relationship along with the relationship between the cheater and their children.  There may also be some alienation in the relationship between the cheater and their parents as a result of the affair.  Having a lover with a good personality, plenty of money or attractiveness may take some of the pain out of the situation, but there is no way to cheat your way out of the consequences. You just happen to have someone to go through the pain of those consequences with you. In some cases, they resent having to go through such experiences. They may be supportive, yet even that relationship will not go unscathed in the aftermath of an affair.

When the relationships become alienated, there are higher risks that other issues may develop. Resentments and grudges may develop in such an atmosphere of alienation. Alienated relationship are the breeding grounds of many problems. Remember that no one makes accusations of Parental Alienation Syndrome when the relationships are healthy. It is when there is alienation, distance, anger and avoidance that such accusations occur.

What makes it worse is that the pain does not end when the divorce is final. The pain continues well beyond any court settlements. The courts do not settle emotional and relationship issues, they only address the legal relationships.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

Affairs and Children, parent alienation syndrome, Understanding Affairs

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When I discovered that my mom had an affair, I did not want to believe it. For a period of time I tried blocking it out of my mind. The nagging questions would not let me block it out as well as I would like. Questions like “How could she do this?” “Doesn’t she know any better?” “What was she thinking?” “Why him?” “How can she say that she loves me and do something like this?” went through my head. No amount of rock music could block it out.

When the time came that she initially talked about it. When I expressed my thoughts and feelings, she commented “Your just like your father!” and stormed out. I was left stunned and unsure of what just transpired. Although I was legally an adult, at that moment, I was as crushed as a boy who had just lost his puppy with it being run over. When betrayal and hurt happen within families, the hurt and pain go deep. Since the hurt and pain are deep, it often takes time, lots of time in order to bring healing to the hearts of those touched by the adultery.  Although parents assume that their adult children ‘understand’, there is a massive gulf between ‘understanding’ and ‘forgiving’ or even ‘acceptance’ of what occurred. Such healing does not occur by osmosis or magically, it requires time and forgiveness. It requires honesty and acceptance of responsibility.

Just because your child is an adult, it is wrong to assume they will openly accept what has happened.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

adult children and affairs, adult children and infidelity, Affairs and Children, children and affairs

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The myths of ancient Greece often contain insights into human behavior. They often serve as metaphors that provide instruction concerning situations people often find themselves in. The story of Helen of Troy is a fine example that deals with affairs. In the story, Helen is given as a wife to her husband King Menelaus. Helen had come from a troubled family where the children were split up and had some identity confusion related to being from different backgrounds.  In some stories, her mother had been raped.

With such circumstances, here youth and growing up were terrible. She literally went through  hell. (Once she was kidnapped and taken through Hades). When she finally married, it was to Menelaus of Sparta. Menelaus was a man’s man. In order to keep the competition at bay for his wife, he had made a pact with her previous suitors and all the other kings of Greece. The pact amounted to them agreeing to come to his aide if someone tried to seduce her.

Paris of Troy came along and seduced her. Together the two of them ran off to his home. Menelaus sought revenge for the episode. In the ensuing war, many Trojans and Greeks were killed. The fighting was so intense some of the gods themselves took sides and were wounded.

She saw that Paris was not as honorable as he had originally appeared to be, and besides that he was a wimp.

When the fighting was over, she was estranged from her child and returned to Menelaus.

The story has many commonalities with modern affairs.

-Affairs lead to conflict

-Affairs lead to alliances and more conflict

-Even religious and righteous persons can be wounded in the fighting related to affairs.

-The woman involved had a troubled child hood

-The man involved had some masculinity issues and tried to prove himself by having the affair

-Affairs lead to family estrangement

There are many others as well. It would do us well to re-examine the story and its application to modern ‘cheating’ and ‘affairs’.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affair metaphors, Affairs and Children, cheating stories, children and affairs, family violence and affairs, helen of troy and cheating, History of Affairs

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One of the painful consequences of affairs are unwanted children. In some cases, the children of the original marriage/relationship become unwanted and in other cases, the children produced by the affair become unwanted. Irregardless of how the children arrived in their situation, they face the pain of rejection. Children also know when they are being rejected. It is as if they have a meter to know when people like them and when they are ‘just being nice’. They also have a way of sensing when people are playing their parent versus actually being interested in them.

Although dealing with children is an aspect that is often overlooked concerning affairs, it is part of the package deal that affairs come with. In a manner similar to fast food restaurants that sell their products in “meal deals”, when you have an affair, you are taking on a ‘full meal deal’ that includes children, health issues, legal issues and in-laws. Although one does not date a person because they love the in-laws, recognizing that having to deal with them is part of what comes with the person involved in the affair.

You may have the hots for your ‘lover’, but keep in mind that lovers come with strings attached. They, like yourself also have baggage that comes with them.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs and Children, children and affairs, in laws and affairs, unwanted children

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It is hard to resolve the issues associated with affairs when you can not discuss them. When I was faced with such a situation, it felt like I was going crazy. On the outside, I was supposed to show acceptance and cordiality toward my parent’s lover. Appeals were made for me to “keep the peace” and be accepting. All the forgiveness aspects of Christianity were emphasized by my parents and their supporters. On the inside, there were feelings of betrayal and rage. All the talk about forgiveness and I was picturing the incidents where adulterers were rebuked, stoned or burned.

The ‘forced’ acceptance was tolerated. I could not tolerate the ongoing not being allowed to speak. It was as if I was a trophy doll on display. I had to look good, but heaven forbid if I dared to speak out concerning my hurts or my anger. I was supposed to be on display, not talk or show signs of aggression.

As I went on through life, I worked through many of those issues. Even in understanding them, my heart goes out to the children who are forced into those roles by their parents. The damage done to trust and intimacy in the relationship is devastating. People can talk about the potential threat of H1N1 flu. When you consider the impact of an affair on a family, it is lethal to intimacy in a majority of cases. If you survive it, scars are left that impact the relationship for the rest of its duration. The destruction of intimacy leaves scars into future generations as well. H1N1 has some potential lethality. Affairs have a guaranteed lethality to the emotional health of families that is generational, and many people choose to ignore dealing with it or working through the pain.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affair damages, Affairs and Children, h1n1 and affair comparision, infidelity hurts, threat of affairs

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Many of the country colloquialisms have a way of speaking the plain truth. In the modern age there are many terms and phrases that are used to justify ‘having an affair’. Terms like self-fulfillment, self-gratification, “She completes me”, “I deserve to be happy”, “I feel like a whole new man”, etc.. When a parent has an affair, it is just plain selfishness, no matter what kind of smooth talking terms are used. This is especially apparent on holidays, when the infidel wants to enjoy the holiday with their special person and don’t give a rip how it inconveniences their children and other family members. The infidel is too caught up in making themselves happy, even when it leaves others emotionally devastated. When the infidel marries, they bring a sure source of misery into the family.

What makes it really bad, is that every holiday season or birthday, the family is reminded again of the whole affair.  Emotions are dragged through the pain every time they see the infidel and their partner. Although they are happy, no one else is. The infidel often puts pressure on family members to accept their paramour and be happy as well. The more pressure, the more misery.

In my own family, I endured these episodes. The infidel parents want the kids to talk to them, although any discussion of the affair or how they feel about it is OFF LIMITS. The infidel parent is only interested in their loneliness, horniness, pain, etc. They are oblivious when it comes to how their actions leave their children devastated.

In trying to make sense of the situation, all the talk about how they deserve to be happy and life is too short not to be happy, they are adults, blah, blah, blah. An old timer would be able to cut through all the talk and call it like it is…”It’s just plain selfishness”.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs and Children, affairs and the holidays, justifying affairs, selfishness and affairs

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My heart often breaks when I see mothers trying to re-experience years lost with their children due to an affair. They reach out attempting to make-up for or regain the relationship and closeness they once enjoyed with their children before the affair. The attempts at reaching out are often painful and awkward.

Sue often tries reaching out to her son Richard. The more Sue reaches out, the more distant Richard is. Even in casual conversation, talk seems forced at times. Their mother and son talks don’t flow like she remembers they did. It is as if she can see him, but every time she reaches out to touch him emotionally, he moves and all she grabs is air. She loves him and cares about him. She wants him to love her and accept her. She know what she did was wrong, and thinks “Isn’t it time to move past that?” The affair was many years ago. It was something that she does not like to talk about. Sue hopes that by putting it behind her, she can avoid talking about it.

What Sue does not realize is that one of the hidden cost of affairs is ‘lost lives’. The years of closeness with your children suddenly disappears. The intimacy is gone. Although she wants people to understand, she does not realize that healing requires not only time, but also talking through what happened. The affair that seemed so all important at the time, is not the priority now. The son she put aside is now what is important.

Affairs often distort priorities. They permanently warp relationships. They often freeze intimacy and distance to the point that people find it hard to get close to them and them to others, especially family members.

Affairs can cost a person much more than just a divorce settlement. Long after the money has been paid, they are still paying the emotional and relational price tag for their actions.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and adult children, Affairs and Children, cheating and children, the effect of affairs on parental relationships

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One of the most tragic aspects of cheating is that families and lives are destroyed, while those who perpetrated the cheating often gloat and justify their actions by saying it was ‘between consenting adults’. Although the selfish adults who participated in the affair consented, they did not consider how their actions would impact their family, children, parents, job, reputation and community. With each affair that occurs within a family or community, something dies. Some of the strength and hope that once existed is destroyed. Such actions serve to weaken families, communities and churches all in the name of ‘consenting adults’.

The phrase ‘consenting adults’ is often bandied about as if somehow it makes everything right. The phrase somehow makes their selfish acts and the single parent homes left in the wake of their infidelity acceptable to them. They do not consider the pain of family members and friends who carry the scars and have to face the damage of those ‘consenting adults’. The cheaters use the phrase as if it were a ‘get out of jail free card’ that allows them to engage in any kind of behavior they desire without any accountablity or responsibility. They want to be totally irresponsible and expect others to accept them and clean up their mess as if it were ‘no big deal’. Infidelity is a big deal. Dealing with the shame of having a father or mother that sleeps around or is a swinger stays with them for years after the fun of ‘consenting adults’ is over.

Although those using the term ‘consenting adults’ to excuse their behavior as if they were responsible adults, the results often take away choices and freedoms from those around them. The victims of the ‘consenting adults’ often do not have choices concerning how they live their lives. The stigma of what the consenting adults did does not wash off with soap and water.  Some researches have suggested that the impact of such actions may be as long as 80-100 years. History teaches that the hurts associated with infidelities often stretch even further. Long after the ‘consenting adults’ are dead and gone, those left behind find themselves facing the pain and ugliness of the choices that the ‘consenting adults’ refused to face.

The term is used as a type of tyranny that stretches across the generations. The pain does not end when people die. The pain does not end when the affair is over. The pain is passed like the Olympic torch from generation to generation, who each will have to face and struggle with the habits, patterns and reputation of those ‘consenting adults’ that went before.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs and Children, children and affairs, the long term effects of infidelity, the long term impact of affairs, Understanding Affairs

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Most of the attention in dealing with affairs focuses on top signs that someone is cheating or a variation of that. The focus on catching and avoiding being caught seems to be the major amount of articles and websites on affair. Although that is where there is the highest amount of drama and excitement, it does little to help the couple actually deal with the affair and the needs of the spouses.

Since many of the ways we cope with crises come from our family of origin, the question arises as to “How should I deal with an affair?” Unless there was one in your family of origin or that of a close friend, you may not have the coping skills or knowledge needed to deal with an affair situation. Most parents spend more time focused on teaching their children how to drive a car than on how to deal with a major crisis like an affair. These are areas and situations that can be improved on.

How can parents teach their children to deal with affairs?

1. Through the values and beliefs promoted in the home.

2. Through the role modeling of how to deal with crises and conflicts in the home

3. Through the books and entertainment allowed in the home that provide stimulation and references in dealing with relationship issues.

4. Through the role modeling of what it means to be married, what it means to be a man or what it means to be a woman.

5. Through the family structure of how approachable or unapproachable parents and family members are.

These will provide you with some things to think about and work on in your life and the lives of your children.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs and Children, child rearing and affairs, infidelity and child rearing, Rebuilding the relationship, teaching children about affairs, Understanding Affairs

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Although the thought of parental meddling seems odd concerning an affair, the threat is very real. When affairs occur, many adult children still consult with their parents at some time during the ordeal. Although the parents were likely a part of the wedding ceremony and signed the guest book, they soon forget what that meant. By signing the guest register, and being part of the ceremony, they are agreeing to help keep the couple together. Some parents forget what that means. Rather than help the couple stay together through the crisis, they work toward separating them. Some parents do this in an overt manner, while others are sneaky and do their work covertly. Although the parents claim that their children have no respect for the institution of marriage, they themselves disregard the institution when they work toward splitting the couple apart.

It is common that parents will side with their children, yet they have an obligation to work for restoration rather than steer the children to the divorce court. This may involve confrontation of unacceptable behaviors, keeping their peace at times and forgiving rather than taking up offenses.

In cases where parents forget their obligations, steps may need to be taken that will establish clear boundaries in the situation.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, Affairs and Children, cheating and parental reactions, infidelity, meddling parents, parents and affairs, the wedding ceremony and commitment, Understanding Affairs

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