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It is shocking enough to discover that ones spouse has a lover, but imagine having another wife. In the case of Faye Miller of Michigan, it was not one wife, but two. She was shocked to discover that her husband of 10 years (Dr. Kenneth Mitchell)  had two other wives. Although there were accusations of an affair at one point, he reassured his wife that that affair was over. The couple even went to counseling in the aftermath of that disclosure. As Faye continued recovering, she began investigating her marriage, which was filled with large periods of time when she was alone. Her investigation uncovered a betrayal worse than she could imagine.

Her husband had managed to have three wives in three separate cities. The event has gained attention in Michigan and across the border in Canada, where the doctor had one of his wives.

Faye only discovered this infidelity by google searches and going through phone records.  To make matters worse, he had assumed another identity and changed religious affiliations without informing her of these changes. The couple had children together. Over the years, she thought that he was working at his other clinics or at medical conferences.

Situations such as this are difficult to comprehend. The extent of the lies and deception are astounding. Despite all the lies, the husband’s attorney insists that his client never intended to lead the women astray.(yeah, right!)

In such situations, feelings of betrayal at many levels occur. Given the amount of planning involved with such affairs, these were not happen stance or one night stands. This was a planned, deliberate pattern to deceive and hide the true nature of what was going on. It is tragic to think that such behavior could occur in any civilized nation.

This extreme situation is a clear presentation of how far some people will go to hide affairs (and other marriages). Those caught up in affairs are not beyond developing other identities, lying, or misleading their spouses. If you have an ‘unusual marriage’ where there are long periods in which you are alone, you may want to investigate things further, like Faye did.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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In a recent court case in Waco, Texas a former minister is on trial for killing his wife in order to be with his mistress. The relationship began when the minister began counseling with the woman in the aftermath of her divorce. The minister then used the relationship with the lover as a way of getting out of a marriage he was not happy with. The unrestrained passions eventually led to him murdering his wife, Kari Baker.

Unrestrained passions often end up with unintended consequences. The same energy the fiery passion of an affair brings to ones life is the same fiery passion that when directed in anger can and often does lead to disastrous results.

At the time of her death, there were questions raised as to whether it was a suicide or murder.  The adulterous husband went to great lengths to cover his actions. The traits which an adulterer uses to obsess about the object of their desires was turned on ways of murdering his wife and getting away with it. The episode was featured by the organization StopBaptistPredators. The moving force behind the website and organization is attorney Christa Brown, who advocates for victims of sexual abuse by Baptist ministers and ministry staff. Christa also maintains a blog addressing such issues.

The problem of ministers and affairs is widespread. The issue is one often dealt with behind closed doors which makes the secret saturated scenarios involving affairs even more dysfunctional. It is bad enough that affairs are often surrounded by secrecy, but when the investigation and follow through on such matters are also shrouded in secrecy, the problems increase rather than decrease. Much like oxygen keeps fires burning, handling matters with secrecy keeps the dynamics that set up the situation and feeds the unhealthy relationships that surround affairs.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Affairs occur in many families. The number of affairs is only dwarfed by the number of excuses for affairs. Even pastors have been known to have affairs. One prominent pastor excused his infidelities as “a form of anxiety reduction“. On the surface, such a comment may sound reasonable, yet this same pastor was known to experience tremendous amounts of guilt related to these activities. His claim that it reduced his anxiety was more than counterbalanced by the guilt. In terms of emotional discomfort, affairs bring more discomfort than they alleviate.http://surviveyourpartnersaffair.com/blog/wp-admin/post-new.php

It is more than ironic that the President who attacked this pastor as a  “hypocritical preacher” was himself notorious for his own adulterous escapades. Public figures are not immune to the pressures and temptations of adultery. They, like others also made attempts at rationalizing and excusing their actions. High offices do not protect people from temptation, it only gives them different window to look out of.

Affairs remain a blot on reputation and integrity, especially to those in high office. Had these men not succumbed to their base passions, who knows how much more they may have accomplished.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs in the News, History of Affairs, LBJ and affairs, MLK and affairs, Preachers and affairs, Presidents and affairs

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About the time that I assume that we are living in the 21st century, I encounter news stories that force me to reconsider whether or not civilization has made progress. A recent story out of Israel tells of a man arrested who maintained his own personal harem. He had children with over 30 women and lived with 17 of them.  The police expressed concern that he had the women under some kind of mind control and he may send messages to them instructing them to hurt themselves.

On reading the story, I am reminded that with increasing frequency, some of the couples who are working through affairs report that their spouse seemed ‘out of it’ or in a trance like state during that time. Stories like this one confirm that at some level, there are times that mind control/manipulation techniques are employed by some unscrupulous types seeking victims to ensnare with infidelity.

Although the wicked days of harems and multiple wives should be relegated to the history books, instead, the ancient curse is still an issue that is encountered. Although there may be some that dismiss this as a ‘middle eastern’ thing, with increasing frequency, there are cases in the United States and other nations of multiple wives and mind control techniques being used. The whole existence of the sex slave trade is just the tip of the iceberg in this case. Such behavior is akin to adultery on steroids.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

Affairs in the News, harem, harems and affairs, Israel, middle east and affairs, multiple wives and affairs

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My sons made me aware of the term ‘facebook stalking’. One can not deal with the issue of stalking without addressing facebook. There are many types of stalking that occurs in conjunction with facebook.

When an affair is suspected, the resolute spouse may ’stalk’ the infidel by using facebook. By reading through posts on the wall and other areas of facebook, they are looking for evidence of what they already suspect. Another sign that raises suspicions is when one’s spouse is denied access to the facebook profile or that the suspected spouse has a secondary facebook account. Already facebook is being mentioned in 20% of divorces filed, which is a concerning trend.

Another type is when one spouse is contemplating an affair and begins searching facebook for old flames. Facebook makes connection with old flames or even new ones much easier. The ability to search for people around the world puts many old flames within easy reach. Facebook also makes it easy to connect with someone who is looking for action. Although facebook is the social media which is most frequently mentioned, the other social media sites of MySpace, twitter and the like are also popular for people looking for hook-ups. There are also social media sites which are totally dedicated to hooking up for ‘discreet’ relations.

There are also those who use the social media sites to stalk their victim for other purposes. Rather than seeking to hook-up, they may be seeking revenge or something else. Old flames who were obsessive when you knew them may be looking for you or someone you know. People from your past that you wanted to burn bridges with may now be using the social media sites to reconstruct those old bridges.  Information concerning phone numbers addresses, job information are all readily available. It shocked me how easy it was to do such searches.

On a whim, I tested this out by looking up an old girlfriend. I was amazed at how I found her address, phone number, GPS coordinate, photos of her home, information on how many children she had, etc., etc. Such information may not lead to an affair, although embarrassing and  uncomfortable situation may arise from them. I also had the experience of old acquaintances posting photos that led to unpleasant question arise from social media. Sometimes, the uncomfortable situations and questions are more painful than an affair itself. In previous generations, past behaviors and acquaintances could be easily forgotten. With the internet, all the information is available depending on a persons ability to know where to look. This new power is a boon to suspicious spouses looking for evidence and also to wayward spouses looking for hook ups. This new power also means that people will need to be more discreet and realize that they never know who is looking over their shoulders.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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A recent article on a new book out by a French psychologist underscores the importance of evaluating information on affairs in context. The psychologist, Maryse Vaillant claims that affairs can improve one’s marriage. Bear in mind that 1) she is promoting her new book. Promoting a book means doing and saying things that will deliver salves. 2) She is a leading French psychologist. Her book is appropriate for France and French values, not the values and cultures of other people. The values and ideas of each culture are not interchangeable. Not every culture accepts infidelity. Look at the recent Tiger Woods episode and how sponsors are dropping him like flies. They know that although sex may sell, infidelity does not. Even in Canada, the Toronto Transit Commission rejected an ad promoting infidelity on its trains.

The lack of consistency is even apparent with celebrities. While Angelina Jolie has expressed acceptance of infidelity, Sienna Miller has taken steps to prevent her spouse from taking unapproved liberties. So even in Hollywood, there are mixed messages.

Contrast this with American author Mark Verge who also recently released a book on reducing infidelity. He provides ways for men to maintain fidelity in their relationships.

Bottom line, the agencies, persons and researches claiming that affairs are ‘healthy’ need to be taken in context.  Like global warming ‘experts’, the information needs to be taken in context and examined for its validity. There are some people and cultures who accept adultery. If you are not among them, then remember to take all the stories you hear with a grain of salt, remembering where they came from and what they are up to.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

Affairs in the News, angelina jolie, books on affairs, culture and affairs, infidelity, Marise Valliant, Mark Verge, Resources, sienna miller

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US Senator Max Baucus of Montana is in the news with his affair proclivities. In the latest turn of events, the senator, who is Chairman of the Senate Finance Committee and co-author of the Senate Health care Bill, has nominated his lover for a US Attorney position. His lover, Melodee Hanes was nominated for the position by the Senator. Although the Senator claims that the nomination has NOTHING to do with his affair, it is certainly suspicious. She made over $120,000 last year while working for the Senator and has also done very well this year. Affairs have a way of blinding one’s view and bending values beyond recognition. Perhaps people in Montana are more open minded about cheaters and how they compromise their values. Making over $120,000 is certainly a lot of money where I come from, and I am sure that it is a lot of money in Billings Montana. It is also curious how someone who was a Congressional staffer is NOW suddenly qualified to be a US attorney. Her nomination raises questions about what qualifies someone to be a US attorney in that State. Although Baucus denies any favors, actions often speak louder than words. Never mind that they currently live together, a man having an affair would not lie, would he? At least Melodee had the common sense to remove herself from the list of nominees.

Cheaters have a way of compromising their values and reputation. Infidelity often reaches into the highest tiers of government, as in the case of Max Baucus. No position or amount of money makes one immune to cheating. No one is beyond being infected and twisted by its infection.

At least Tiger Woods had the decency not to nominate his lover to key government positions. If the Senator is compromised in the area of nominations, it raises questions about how far the effects of his affair have crept into other areas of his life and policy decisions.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Movies and television often portray affairs as rampant. I was made aware that there was even a porn movie that opened with statistics indicating that affairs were rampant. The question arises as to “What is the truth?” The reality is that affairs are not the norm. Many of those portraying that image have a vested interest in keeping the image alive that it is running rampant. The payoff to keeping that myth alive is that many people want to consider themselves ‘with it’ or in the mainstream. If the majority of the people in the mainstream are having affairs, then they assume that it is now accepted. Despite the media hype, affairs/infidelity/cheating is not the norm. It is not accepted as mainstream behavior.  Affairs are not healthy psychologically, emotionally or relationally. Although some media outlets want to portray affairs as ‘just playing around’, those who have been through the experience know that it is anything but play. The stakes are high and the emotions are real. The experience is not ‘fun and games’.

Not only are affairs not the mainstream, they are not approved of by a majority of people.  There are some social circles that are open to affairs, open marriages and swapping. Such social circles are not the mainstream, even though they attempt to portray themselves as such. If they were mainstream, the question arises as to “why all the secrecy?”.  Why must such services and groups insist on discretion (another word for being secretive)?

If affairs were acceptable to mainstream culture there would be no need for discretion.

If affairs were acceptable and the new norm, there would be no need for private investigators to investigate affairs.

If affairs were the new norm, there would be no shame, embarrassment or hiding  associated with affairs.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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In working with infidelity and relationship issues one factor that I have come across is the differences in opinions that vary from nation to nation. Although some nations approve of infidelity, most do not. In the latest poll from Canada by the Angus Reid Global Monitor, a majority of Canadians expressed moral disapproval of infidelity. The Canadians numbers show that over 80% disapprove of infidelity. The numbers shrink even further when the issue of polygamy is brought up. The interesting item is that the number of people disapproving of infidelity has grown since the last survey undertaken in 2007. The 2% increase in disapproval of infidelity shows a slight change. Although some statistics being touted suggest that the number of people engaging in infidelity is rising, that does not mean that people are becoming more approving of the behavior (Note: Although sites like InfidelityFacts.com reports high numbers, they do not tell you how many people were questioned. If I asked such questions in the the seedy part of a major metropolitan area, I could arrive at large numbers approving of infidelity or engaging in infidelity as well). When single people are engaging in sexual relations, Canadians expressed acceptance of the behavior by over 80%. Combined together, it shows that they are accepting of sexual behavior, yet they respect the institution of marriage enough to express disapproval of infidelity in large numbers.

Bottom line is that infidelity is still frowned upon, even in Canada.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs in the News, canada and cheating, canada and infidelity

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Politicians and business hucksters have a knack for ‘relabeling’ and renaming items that have negative associations. Much like the Speaker of the House is renaming the ‘public option’ to the ‘competitive option’ in order to make it more palatable, the same kind of ‘renaming’ game is going in in Malaysia with the ‘polygamy club’. The club purports to want to improve the lives of women and make polygamy more acceptable. Here in Texas we used to call such clubs, “meat markets”.  Other terms include ’slut hut’ , bordellos, cathouse, or a knocking -shop. Granted names like this would make the operation look disreputable.  These days, one has to be alert to the ‘name games’ often played. A ‘gentleman’s club’ is filled with anything but gentlemen in the classic sense of the word. These places know that. In the Houston area, there was once notable men’s club who were known for having a selection of various charge plates used to prevent bosses and wives from identifying where their husband or employees actually spent their time.

If you suspect that your spouse is fooling around, be aware of the name game and how it is often used to hide the true nature of what is going on.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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