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Affairs crash into lives with the devastation of a major pile-up. With the power of an 18-wheeler, it runs over your personal identity and self-esteem, crushing you in the process.

You began asking yourself, “What have I done wrong?” “What have I done to deserve this?” “What should I do?”

You become a confluence of negative emotions. Suddenly, all the little things that mattered in your relationship come tumbling down. Betrayal and trust go out of the window. And your heart shuts down like a virus-infected computer.

If you allow it, the sense of betrayal can plunge you into depression, you lose your self-esteem and you feel like being exiled into the deepest recesses of your heart.

As you go through this process, having a support group is very crucial. Talk to your closest friends. Let out your emotions. Your friends can help you bear the burden you carry. Although the help of a professional counselor is important, a friend’s friendly pat on the back, hugs and even the empathy and sympathy can help you recover.

As you work through your emotions, keep in mind that your identity and your self-esteem are not tied up with your marriage and in your spouse. Who you are is different from your decisions. Who you are is different that who you associate with. Your relationship may have failed, but that does not mean that you have failed. Your spouse may reject you, but that does not mean you have no worth or are not worth loving. Marriage where the whole sense of identity and self-esteem are wrapped around the marriage have the hardest time adjusting to an affair. 

You are a unique person with a unique personality. Go back to your strengths and your successes as a person. When you have strengthened your self-esteem, then you are strong enough to rebuild a relationship.The pouting will need to be put behind if you want to be in relationship with someone. When you regain your maturity, then you can face your spouse, not to beg for him or her to go back, but for both of you to work out your marriage. You can face it as an adult rather than a dependent child. Marriage is for adults, not children. Marriage requires emotional maturity. There is a reason for age limits on marriage. You need maturity to marry, you need maturity to work on repairing a marriage.

affairs, affiars, cheating, infidelity, maturity in marriage, philandering, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships

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There is nothing wrong with being jealous. After all, marriage is founded on an exclusive partnership between you and your spouse. When your spouse shows interest and actively pursues another person, jealousy is a natural reaction to this violation of the trust in your exclusive partnership.

In spite of jealousy, however, affairs can and still do happen. They are disasters to your family, which if left unchecked could ruin your marriage and your family altogether.Just because there are no arguments does not mean things are settled. The issues leading up to the affair need to be addressed. Addressing these issues requires a strong love and determination for both of you to work it out.

After the affair, however, you will have to deal with jealousy. At the back of your mind, you might be asking whether or not your spouse is still seeing someone else. You might also be wondering if you have 100% of his or her affection and love.

There are two ways to deal with jealousy after the affair. One, you have to strengthen your own security in your own worth and analyze where your jealousy is coming from. Perhaps you are still harboring some bitterness over the affair. Although it takes some time for that to heal, you should consciously choose to forgive if your partner has truly changed.

You should also talk with your partner about your jealousy, especially if he or she is indeed showing some reasons for you to be jealous. When you do so, you can agree on how to ease your feelings of jealousy.

adultery, adultery and jealousy, affairs and jealousy, affiars, infidelity, rebuidling a marriage, Rebuilding the relationship

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Affairs are confusing. What you can imagine is very different from what you feel. Each of these is dramatically different from what your are told about them. At times you may feel like an alien living in three or more different worlds at the same time. The conflicting stories, feelings, advice and facts create a confusing situation. The more you talk or think, the more confused you may feel.

In dealing with the confusion, it is important to not lose your bearing when you discover an affair. Do not let yourself succumb to despair and to any negative emotions that threaten to take over. Rather, be willing to stand strong and show your spouse that you are in control of yourself and of the situation. There are many things to do and not to do, which I have listed in my book. Here is a sample of a few things to help in dealing with the affair.

Get support. This might be in the form of your friends or a professional counselor. Whatever it is, you need someone who will listen to you and be honest with you. They may not be able to offer solutions to your problems. At least you know that there are people you can count on. Just let your emotions flow freely and your friends or your counselor will help you with your situation.

Take Action It is important to take action rather than ignore what happened and what you are feeling. By taking action, I am referring to the tendency to minimize or ignore the issues. The issues can not be ignored or swept under the carpet.

Give space to each other. The period after the divorce would be at time of contemplation and reflection about the state of your life and how you will go through this difficult phase of your marriage. Giving space is needed physically, emotionally and spiritually. Giving space to each other means that you respect each other and you are giving each other time to think through these things.

Allow some time before you make any major decisions. Making decisions in the heat of emotions is never good. A similar path in needed regarding openly talk about the affair and its aftermath. But don’t take forever though. The issues will need to be dealt with and not put on ignore. Rebuilding your marriage can only happen if you are willing to be honest with each other and let out your emotions.

affiars, discovering affairs, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, taking care of yourself after an affair, Understanding Affairs

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