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In the aftermath of an affair, it is common to experience self-doubt. After the shock of the news hits you, the world is suddenly different. You may wonder about what is ‘really’ true’ and what else is a lie. There is an unreal sense of everything around you. You may even find yourself questioning your own judgments and perceptions. The world that you were once able to make sense out of is now ‘unknowable’.

Such reactions are common. Your emotions may be running hot and cold. When you talk to your spouse, they may say and do things that leave you questioning your own sanity. What you once knew for sure, there are now many doubts about. What you thought you knew about your spouse, your life and your marriage are now all suddenly in confusion.  During such times, it will be important to take life one day at a time. Rather than trying to make sense of tomorrow or next week, you will be better off making sense of today and making it through the day.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

aftermath of an affair, aftermath of cheating, depression and an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

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The sensation that often accompanies the discovery of an affair is that of loss. The loss is often intense and deep. Many liken it to feeling like they have fallen in a hole. The more they think about the affair and what they lost, the deeper they fall into the hole. The hole turns into a pit or abyss when we quit seeing light at the top. When one has fallen in so deep there is no light. The light at the top is one of the signs of hope. When the light is no longer visible, we feel there is no hope.

So how does one get out of the pit?

First, quit falling into it, by focusing on loss and disappointment.  Such sentiments are good for a pity party, but that quickly gets boring since no one else really wants to hear about out misery.

Second, learn to change one’s thinking. The thoughts we feed our mind with are the programming for our brain. When the programming keeps turning out rotten data, the problem is not the data, the problem is the programming. Change the programming.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

aftermath of an affair, aftermath of cheating, depression and an affair, Understanding Affairs

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It hurts when you discover that your spouse had an affair. It is a personal betrayal filled with broken promises and shattered dreams. If there is any heart-shaking, gut-wrenching problem which shakes us to the core of our being, is going through an affair. While enduring the pain it is difficult remembering that there are second chances, even though they do not deserve any chances. Despite the pain, which you will want to avoid, it is best to talk through what happened, if only to sort things out. Whether or not you stay together, this issues leading up to the affair and the affair itself need to be addressed.

Just because you choose the option of staying together does not mean things will be easier. The relationship will not magically ‘come together’ after the affair. Rebuilding your marriage after an affair is a difficult and tedious job. It is often a thankless task as well. Although tedious, the option of doing nothing is even worse. Without deliberate efforts on your part, your marriage will simply disintegrate.

Rebuilding your marriage requires a one day at a time approach. Positive communication skills and developing a positive outlook are important. This way, you will no longer focus on what is negative and what is difficult. Focusing on the negative, often leads to feeling overwhelmed.  Rather, you start becoming better in each other’s eyes. You might not be able to forget the affair or even forgive them. It is unrealistic to expect yourself to do so in the immediate aftermath of the affair.

The problems did not develop overnight and they will not go away overnight.

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