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An aspect of affairs that often leads to hair pulling arguments is “What is the definition of an affair?” The hairsplitting, and nit-picking detail finding that happens in many homes on this question would put a lawyer to shame. Questions arise as to whether to use the legal definition, the dictionary definition, or the Bible definition of an affair. The discussion also focuses on whether to call it adultery, cheating, an affair, an indiscretion, a mistake, a one-night stand, infidelity, or some other term. The argument often includes descriptions of whether an affair is the ‘act’ or the intent. There are also the arguments of whether it was an affair of the body or an affair of the heart.

Although some of the questions and points raised during these discussions are valid, many more are means of avoidance, doing mental gymnastics or trying to pin the SOB/Bitch down on their behavior (even good people often digress to name calling during such intense discussions).

When these discussions arise during my counseling, I often reframe the argument to ‘trust’ and whether or not their was a violation of trust. Whether or not they intended to breach that trust is of little consequence, although they often want a ‘gold star’ because their intentions were not malicious. When there is a ‘breach of trust’ for whatever reason, the couple needs to deal with that breach. Whether the breach consisted of secrets, virtual interactions, or something else, there was a breach that needs to be addressed. The boundaries of the relationship were encroached upon. In some cases, there may not have been an encroachment, but rather a jealous accusation, which itself is a type of encroachment and needs to be addressed.

By focusing on the ‘trust’ issue, and addressing the impact on the relationship the whole sticky definition of an affair becomes a moot point. This is also helpful during the rebuilding of the relationship. Rather than get caught up with definitions, focus on the emotional and relational effects of what occurred.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

cheating, definitions of an affair, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationship, trust, Understanding Affairs

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The dating service known as “Ashley Madison” (they call themselves an agency) often advertises their services as “Life is Short, Have an Affair”.  They even go so far as to offer a money back guarantee.  With near 5 million members, there are many who have taken advantage of their offer. Although they advertise that those who take advantage of the offer will have ‘an affair to remember’ , the question arises as to “What do you do after Ashley Madison?” When the ‘affair to remember’ is over, how does one clean up the mess and pick up the pieces of their lives and families?

The affair will likely be something to remember, but how does one clean up the resulting nightmare. Although some couples have no problem with affairs, there are many that do have problems with the lying and disloyalty of an affair. For some, the whole affair experience amounts to being trapped into a lifestyle and a series of lies that they are desperate to escape from. If you are one of those who do not approve of affairs, or what to escape the lifestyle, there is hope. You can escape that trap. Although the affair may have been a horrid experience that leaves scars on the lives of everyone it touches, you can make changes to repair and improve your marriage. An affair does not have to mean the end of the marriage. It does mean that some major repair work is needed in the marriage relationship and within the lives of those impacted by the affair, including the adulterer.   Find out what steps you can take now to pull out of that lifestyle at SurviveYourPartnersAffair.com .

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

affairs, Ashley Madison, cheating, cheating lifestyles, life is short have an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, Reducing the Risk

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One of the easiest things to do in the aftermath of an affair is blaming. When news of the affair comes out, there is a sensation of being stunned (or exposed). In response to this experience, the stunned (or exposed) party often reacts with anger and quickly seeks someone or something to blame for what occurred. The stunned (or exposed) sensation carries with it a sense of helplessness and vulnerability. While in that state, one often seeks ways to flex one’s power. Even though you can’t control what is going on, by blaming and getting angry you have a way of letting out some of those emotions welling up inside. The emotional explosion does not improve the relationship, it does not bring healing, although it does bring some sensation of relief.

The blaming often takes the form of attributing the cause of the affair or exposing of the affair onto someone or something other than oneself. It seems that all responsibility is delegated to things outside of oneself. “You made me…”, “You are a …..”, “YOUR nothing but a ….” are often heard. They release tension, but do very little to change the patterns or the relationship itself. Blaming is destructive to relationships, whereas understanding is healing. Trying to understand your spouse does NOT mean that you agree with them, it only means that you are attempting to grasp what has occurred and their reaction to it.

Stopping the blaming is not easy to do. Like a bad habit, it often comes ‘naturally’.  Try using more understanding and less blaming the next time there is a discussion about the affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating, finding out about the affair, infidelity, reactions to the affair

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Movies and television often portray affairs as rampant. I was made aware that there was even a porn movie that opened with statistics indicating that affairs were rampant. The question arises as to “What is the truth?” The reality is that affairs are not the norm. Many of those portraying that image have a vested interest in keeping the image alive that it is running rampant. The payoff to keeping that myth alive is that many people want to consider themselves ‘with it’ or in the mainstream. If the majority of the people in the mainstream are having affairs, then they assume that it is now accepted. Despite the media hype, affairs/infidelity/cheating is not the norm. It is not accepted as mainstream behavior.  Affairs are not healthy psychologically, emotionally or relationally. Although some media outlets want to portray affairs as ‘just playing around’, those who have been through the experience know that it is anything but play. The stakes are high and the emotions are real. The experience is not ‘fun and games’.

Not only are affairs not the mainstream, they are not approved of by a majority of people.  There are some social circles that are open to affairs, open marriages and swapping. Such social circles are not the mainstream, even though they attempt to portray themselves as such. If they were mainstream, the question arises as to “why all the secrecy?”.  Why must such services and groups insist on discretion (another word for being secretive)?

If affairs were acceptable to mainstream culture there would be no need for discretion.

If affairs were acceptable and the new norm, there would be no need for private investigators to investigate affairs.

If affairs were the new norm, there would be no shame, embarrassment or hiding  associated with affairs.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

acceptabilitly of affairs, affairs and the new norm, Affairs in the News, are affairs the new norm, cheating, open marriage, swapping

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It is darn near impossible to argue with someone who is listening to you. Likewise if you listen, really listen to your spouse, it will be hard for them to start an argument or fight. In the aftermath of an affair, many couples find themselves caught up in attack-defend-let me explain myself mentality rather than actually listening to what their spouse is saying.  This chaotic cycle of fighting is worsened by the images that many couples use as their role models for how couples should address the problem. If couples would quite using movies and television for inspiration and instead focus on listening and understanding each other, many problems of chaos would disappear. The “Affair Recovery System” presents many ways to improve your ability to listen along with what not to say in the midst of such chaos. A common mistake is to speak one’s mind only to find that no one was listening to it.

You cannot argue with someone who listens to you. You may want to give it a try. Rather than defend, correct or otherwise make excuses, try listening.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs, cheating, listening to your spouse, Rebuilding the relationship

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When in the midst of an affair, those involved often excuse their behavior. They use any report, claim, suggestion or advice they find to support their actions. During this time, they play up their happiness, even going so far as to say they have a right to be happy. If they were honest, it would be they are determined to have sex with whomever they please. They often idealize the relationship, and at the same time demonize their present marriage. Somehow they believe if they make their present marriage look bad, it will somehow make the affair acceptable.

If you ask them, they will tell you that yes, an affair is a good thing. If you ask the spouse or the children, they will often tell you otherwise. Affairs have long tails. The impact of the decision to have an affair often stretches across years, decades and generations. The mention of an affair besmirches the reputation. The rejection and betrayal involved often shape how that generation is viewed and evaluated. In the future, they will not say, He/She deserved some happiness, or that they made the right decision. No, their reputation will be stained. Those involved with affairs rarely consider the future and the long term impact of their choices. The only choice that often matters to them are “Who they are with tonight?”.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating, excusing affairs, good affairs, infidelity, Understanding Affairs

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When an affair is discovered, the initial reaction by the resolute spouse is to remove the infidel.

When Phil came home from work, he was surprised to see his belongings scattered through the house. It looked ransacked. Then his saw his wife Candy, standing in the hallway. She looked at him and in a voice of rage screamed “Pack your bags and get out!”

Phil often recalls that day as one filled with pain, remorse, rejection and loneliness.

Removing the infidel, like Candy did with Phil, only removes the surface issues by providing a target to blame. The removal of the adulterous spouse does not improve the relationship, it does not address what is missing in the marriage and it does not provide any long term solutions.

The ‘pack your bag’ episode is often the first in a series of confrontations that each spouse will have to face. Kicking the adulterous spouse out may feel good, yet provide little substance in terms of the healing needed for two hurting people. It takes work to discuss hurts and disappointments. It takes effort to develop team work and the spirit of ‘oneness’ in a marriage.

The command “Pack your bags and get out!” is a big rejection of the adulterous spouse. It not only rejects what they did, it rejects them. Since the ‘pack your bags’ episode often occurs shortly after the discovery of an affair, it is a time when the spouses need each other and each other’s acceptance the most. Instead of obtaining that acceptance, the dramatic ‘pack your bags’ delivers rejection.

The command “Pack your bags..” is often delivered in anger. Such a message is totally different when it is delivered with tears and pleading. In such cases, the pain is too much and being in close proximity to each other would only bring more pain.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affair, cheating, discovery of an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, rejection, Understanding Affairs

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When I was younger, my dad told me that “If you get into a girl’s pants, rest assured that you are not the first nor will you be the last”. In dealing with couples faced with affairs, I can appreciate what he told me. When an attractive female is easy to get into bed, there is usually a reason (or attractive male).  Although the man getting into the ladies pants thinks that he has just accomplished something, the reality is, it is probably a set up or trap and he does not recognize that he just fell for it.

One of the classic scams is for a woman to come on to a man. Once she has him hooked, she presents the threat (my husband is getting out of prison, my husband is coming back from his trip…). The man then attempts to escape. What follows is a series of threats to reveal the “affair” or show the pictures unless a particular amount of money is paid.

Here the affair situation is turned into a blackmail scenario. What started as a ‘hot’ relationship turns into a nightmare with a large tab.

When the man or woman is too easy, or too convenient, there is often a reason for it.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs, affairs and blackmail, blackmail, cheating, History of Affairs, Understanding Affairs

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The other day, I came across a website that suggested monogamy amounts to nothing more than a religious belief. I have heard many extreme ideas promoted to justify having affairs, and this amounted to the latest. Although religious beliefs provide support for the practice of monogamy, it is more than that.

The practice of monogamy is not limited to one particular country. It is the norm in many nations. The nations where monogamy is practiced,  have more social stability than those nations that do not. Monogamy is foundational to social stability. Even more important is the idea of family stability. Although the phenomena of serial families is occurring with greater frequency, the structure of such families not one of stability. The social milieu of such is chaotic at best. The structure allows the adults great freedom, but is brutal on the children. Describing such a milieu as ’self-serving’ is a label that fits.

Monogamy is also the preferred arrangement for bonding. When you want a stable relationship with one person, it is better for the mental health of both husband and wife when they are in an exclusive relationship. That boding allows for the development of emotional security and intellectual stability. As anyone in the dating scene knows, not having stability in relationships is often anxiety provoking.

Monogamy is also better for one’s physical health. Persons with greater sexual promiscuity are exposed to a wider range of diseases and health issues than those in monogamous relationships. The greater the number of partners, the greater the risk of diseases. With all the news items on having improved health, this is one thing that can be done to have better health.

Viewing the practice of fidelity in relationships as a mere religious practice is a falsehood. Remaining loyal to your spouse is better for the family, society, your emotional health, your physical health, and your mind. Despite the many benefits of fidelity, some individuals remain determined to practice infidelity, with all the associated dangers it carries with it.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

bonding, cheating, fidelity as religion, infidelity, marriage, marriage and family, marriage and society, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

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When in comes to dealing with affairs, the public and family do not react the same to all types of affairs. When affairs occur in reaction to ’severe’ abuse or neglect, there is often more acceptance of what happened than when they occur in other circumstances. Another type of affair that is often viewed as ‘understandable’ are those based on survival. In many ways, the neglect/abuse affairs are also driven by survival as well.

Survival also takes in account when people find themselves engaging in an affair for the survival of themselves or their family. People in such situations often feel desperate and their choices limited. The forced marriages that victims were coerced to be a part of in the crack down on Iranian dissidents woudl fall into this type of situation. There may also be blackmail or some other threat hanging over people’s heads. In such situations, it is often understood that people did what they had to do. Choice was not seen as an option.

When affairs are driven by ’social affiliation’ there is great disapproval. Such affairs are when someone has an affair to ‘be seen’ or to ‘fit in’.  In such circumstances, the affair and those participating are often seen as either ’sluts’ or players. The disapproval of social affairs often continues long after the affair occurred. Those involved are often seen as having made ‘bad choices’.

In both the survival affair and the social affiliation affair, the partners cheated. The big differences concern circumstances, motives and choices available at the time. Each situation remains an affair, but the healing process afterward are very different. Those in survival affairs often recover sooner than those whose affair was more about social affiliation.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs of social affiliation, cheating, choice and affairs, survival affairs, Uncategorized

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