Cell phones have become the number one way of catching infidelity in Britain. I suspect that is the case in the United States as well, although I have not seen the latest numbers on that issue. I was reminded of this when I received an inquiry call from a man who had concerns about his wife’s text messaging with another man. Sending messages to a person of the opposite sex is not a bad thing. It is a part of business. When there is secrecy, defensiveness, texting at odd hours or sending of pornographic/suggestive material , something is up. When boundaries are blurred in these areas, the texting is no longer innocent. These tell tale signs indicate that it is not a “friendship” or “business association”. Some of the tell tale signs include:

1. Texting at odd hours (late at night or early morning)

2. Secrecy regarding who sends the text and what it says

3. When your spouse keeps their phone password protected

4. When your spouse is secretive regarding the phone bill and how many text messages were sent. They may also be secretive about who the text messages were from.

5. When the texting goes on for an extended period of time.

6. Texting in a strange or coded manner.

7. When pornographic or suggestive material is sent or received.

8.  When the caller/texter refuses to tell you who they are.

Be on the lookout for these or other tell tale signs indicating that something is not right. Early intervention can mean that you keep your marriage intact.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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The hurt associated with affairs lasts a long time. Although you and your spouse may think that the hurt is over when all is finally forgiven or a commitment is made. Although such actions may end part of the hurt, affairs have a way of reaching across the generations. The reach of affairs goes both backwards and forwards. The scars and shame associated with affairs is often carried by the children and grand-children. These generations wanted forebearers they could count on, they could believe in and instead they are given someone who disappoints them.

I have also tried to put into words the pains that people experience. This hurt that goes across the generations is a dark, empty hollow experience. This is in contrast to the adulterer who may have described their life as one filled with experiences, some good, some bad. No matter how they sugar coat the episodes of their lives, the children and grand children continue carrying the shame.

Although each person may have some personal variations of their experience there are some common themes that come back to the dark empty pain.

This is also part of what needs to be addressed in overcoming affairs, but is often ignored.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Although high drama showdowns make for entertainment at the movies, such episodes are not good for relationships. Even though we want a one time episode to “get it all out”, life does not work that way. If you are expecting to ‘fix’ everything with one meeting or one talk with your spouse, it is unlikely to occur. Wounds, including the emotional ones take time to heal. In taking time to heal, it also takes time for the feelings to emerge, and the issues to become clear.

If you plan on having a big showdown, especially in public, you need to change your plan. Showdowns in public places are a form of manipulation. When you are wanting forgiveness, you want the genuine article, not something coerced out of someone due to manipulaiton. The big showdown may provide an emotional release and provide an audience, but it does little to resolve the issues concerning the affair.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Affairs crash into lives with the devastation of a major pile-up. With the power of an 18-wheeler, it runs over your personal identity and self-esteem, crushing you in the process.

You began asking yourself, “What have I done wrong?” “What have I done to deserve this?” “What should I do?”

You become a confluence of negative emotions. Suddenly, all the little things that mattered in your relationship come tumbling down. Betrayal and trust go out of the window. And your heart shuts down like a virus-infected computer.

If you allow it, the sense of betrayal can plunge you into depression, you lose your self-esteem and you feel like being exiled into the deepest recesses of your heart.

As you go through this process, having a support group is very crucial. Talk to your closest friends. Let out your emotions. Your friends can help you bear the burden you carry. Although the help of a professional counselor is important, a friend’s friendly pat on the back, hugs and even the empathy and sympathy can help you recover.

As you work through your emotions, keep in mind that your identity and your self-esteem are not tied up with your marriage and in your spouse. Who you are is different from your decisions. Who you are is different that who you associate with. Your relationship may have failed, but that does not mean that you have failed. Your spouse may reject you, but that does not mean you have no worth or are not worth loving. Marriage where the whole sense of identity and self-esteem are wrapped around the marriage have the hardest time adjusting to an affair. 

You are a unique person with a unique personality. Go back to your strengths and your successes as a person. When you have strengthened your self-esteem, then you are strong enough to rebuild a relationship.The pouting will need to be put behind if you want to be in relationship with someone. When you regain your maturity, then you can face your spouse, not to beg for him or her to go back, but for both of you to work out your marriage. You can face it as an adult rather than a dependent child. Marriage is for adults, not children. Marriage requires emotional maturity. There is a reason for age limits on marriage. You need maturity to marry, you need maturity to work on repairing a marriage.

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When a husband or wife leaves the home, it is never a good sign. Leaving the home is often a signal that there are serious problems and that the relationship as you knew it is over. When a husband leaves the home, there is often more hope for the relationship than when the wife leaves the home. In both cases, the amount of hope is small. The leaving from the home often occurs on an emotional level before it happens physically. The time to take action is when your spouse begins pulling away. There is more hope of making changes then as compared with when they have already left the home.

A factor to consider is the family history of this happening. If they come from a long line of such behavior the hopes of working through things is smaller. If they have a history of serial relationships, it is unlikely that they will come back. The time to take action is when they begin pulling away. After they have made the choice to leave, they are often less responsive to repairing the marriage. It does not automatically mean that everything is over. It does mean that you will need to do more than just going through the motions. You will need to make some major improvements. If the bonding is still intact, you can, with effort make some of the necessary changes. If the bonding has been ruptured, then hope is dim. When they tell you “Good-by my lover” and the bonds are broken, you have some major problems. Anytime there is an affair, the affair itself is looking to meet needs outside of the marriage. The affair is testimony to your spouse pulling away emotionally. You need to take action now, rather than assume that time alone will heal all the wounds.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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 Although it is offered as an excuse, the saying “Affairs just happen” is a misnomer. Many times the couple has communication or intimacy problems, and the opportunity arises for things to happen. Another scenario is when a partners uses drugs or alcohol. In such cases, the drug or alcohol abuse had been going on prior to the affair. The user can be impulsive, but the problem with self-control began before the temptation for an affair came alone.

Using the phrase “Affair just happen” is a convenient way to excuse what occurred and avoid looking at what was behind it. The stage for an affair is often long before it occurs. Taking a look at what led up often requires painful self-exploration. The affair is often someone’s solution to problem. The key quesition is what is the real problem or the underlying problem? If your spouse has given you the “It just happened” story, consider what is behind it. Take a look at what did the affair ‘fix’ or attempt to ‘fix’. What did the affair provide that was not there previously? Dealing with that quesiton will yeild more usefull material than trying to understand what happened that night or what you spouse did. It will help you understand what they were looking for, what made them vulnerable, what set the stage for things to happen.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Automobiles often have lights on the dashboard that alert you to malfunctions going on with the vehicle. These lights are often termed “idiot lights” by those who work on cars. The lights often go on when things are ‘bad’. Had the early warning signs been attended to, the problem would have been fixed before it became a major repair.

Likewise, relationships have signals that let people know when there are problems. Ignoring these signals can lead to major problems. Some people are very blind to signals that indicate there is ‘trouble’. What are some of these signals?

1. Your spouse increases the physical distance from you on a regular basis.

2. Your spouse is very secretive about how they spend their mone.

3. Your spouse maintains a seperate banking account.

4. Your spouse has bills mailed to the office, rather than the home.

5. Your spouse keeps a spare set of clothes in their vehicle.

6. Your spouse is secretive about their cell phone.

7. Your spouse maintains strict vigilance regarding computer access to their passwords and e-mail accounts.

8. Your spouse is always texting or e-mailing people.

9. Your spouse is suddenly interested in getting fit when there has not been a health crisis.

10. Your spouse changes their cologne or the way they wear their hair for some unexplained reason.

11. Your spouse violates limits with persons of the opposite sex, and dismisses it as ‘nothing’.

12. Your spouse claims that you are imaging things.

This is only a partial list. If one or two items show up, it may be nothing major. If you have three or more of these—RED ALERT! You need to take immediate action.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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This is one of the more difficult questions that arise in the course of dealing with affairs. This question is one that challenges your commitment to your spouse, your values and yourself. Many people look for a skeleton key that unlocks all the locks and answers all the questions. There is no one size fits all answer to this kind of question, other than is you safety in danger. If you are in danger physically, emotionally or spiritually, you will need to go and go quickly. Although that should be a common sense response, with many people, the intensity of the bonding with their spouse makes it difficult to even know when they are in danger.

You will need to be honest about what constitutes a ‘real’ threat. There have been many counselors and lawyers who have exloited people in this area. You will need to be honest with yourself about the level of the threat. If you can not tell a real threat from a possible one, there are other questions you need to be considering.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Should You Get Divorce after an Affair?

You were hurt and you feel deeply betrayed. You ask yourself, “How can I trust my spouse again?” because of emotions and internal conflicts, you may become desperate in seeking for the right answers and the right solutions.

The most instinctive response to an affair is divorce. But is it really worth getting? Are you dead set on ending a relationship that seems to have ceased working? Before getting a divorce, you should carefully think through several things.

Don’t you love your spouse anymore? This question might be tough to answer for you. Even if you love your spouse, you can say that there are other things that could make a marriage work and that you are already at the end of your limit.

Do you wish to close the door to your spouse permanently? When you answer this, it might mean that you are closing the possibility of reconciliation. It means that you have given up on your marriage for good. This also means that you no longer believe that your spouse is capable of changing.

Is there an alternative other than divorce? Yes, there is! You can affirm your love and go through the process of rebuilding your marriage. Admittedly, it is the more difficult option. If you love each other enough and you are willing to work it out, then both of you can stand side by side and weather the storm that an affair caused.  

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Some spouses deny that their actions were improper. They dismiss it with, “I did nothing wrong” or “Nothing happened”.  All that such statements are communicating is that they did not get laid. Such statements are often made to minimize what they did or to calm down the resolute spouse. When such statements are made, they often leave the resolute spouse feeling like they are going crazy. Since their emotions have been dismissed or ignored altogether.

When your eyes, ears and gut say that something happeded and then your spouse says “nothing happened” it is enough to make anyone feel crazy. In such situations, the spouse is attempting to make you doubt your own experiences. You know what you saw, felt or heard and now your spouse is saying that you were imagining it. This distortion of reality is enough to make anyone ‘feel’ like they are loosing it. When a spouse dismisses events, like this, it amounts to them sending a message that the spouse’s reality and feelings are not important. Only the adulterers reality is what matters. Their reality is the only reality.

It is important that if you find yourself in such a situation that you tell yourself the truth and that you believe your truth. Do not let an adulterer take your truth from you.  Even in situations where you are jumping the gun or making assumptions, your emotions are still important. Your emotions are telling you that something is not right and needs to be addressed.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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