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Jennifer refused the advances of a married man who approached her. He was persistent in his advances, but she remained firm and said “NO”. After the incident, she occasionally saw the man. She tried to be decent with him, but he always managed to twist matters. he often stared at her, which made her feel uncomfortable. As Jennifer put it, “He creeped me out!”

Jennifer then began to avoid him. He began stalking her by getting to know her friends, making malicious posts on social network sites and generally making her look like a slut. He often drove by her work place and home, he seemed to be everywhere.

Jennifer wanted him to go away, but did not want to draw any more attention to the situation. She felt trapped by him and his behavior.

Jennifer needed to say no. Do not return his text messages, do not return his e-mails, do not give him rides, do not go someplace and talk, … do not provide any openings for such people.

Situations like Jennifer’s happen quite often. Dealing with such situations requires strength and determination. It also requires firm boundaries. Although it was good of our parents to teach us to play nice, there are times, that one has to be firm, like this situation.  Some women just give into the threats hoping that it will shut the man up and make him leave them alone. It does not happen like that. Giving into them often emboldens them to be even more daring.

Dealing with stalkers is never easy, especially when they involve affair situations. In those situations, setting firm boundaries is essential.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating and stalking, Reducing the Risk, saying no to stalkers, stalkers and affairs

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One of the hidden dangers with affairs is that of stalking. Affairs and stalking often go hand in hand. The resolute spouse often stalks the wayward spouse to find out their whereabouts and activities. Add to that the possibility of an obsessive lover who stalks their counterpart. At times the obsessive lover is the paramour and at times it is the adulterous spouse. Irregardless of who is stalking and who is being stalked, the affair often turns into a game of cat and mouse. The danger adds to the adrenalin rush which brings a tinge of excitement to what is already a forbidden relationship. The stalking element adds a cloak and dagger element to an already shady arrangement. When the adulterer has lied about their marital status or family status, an element of deception makes the whole situation one where those involved are never sure of the true status of relationships or where they stand.

The person stalking often considers their target as undeserving. Since they view the target as undeserving, there is a sense of one-upmanship on the part of the stalker. At first the stalking is about knowing where people are and what they are doing. It often progresses beyond that into a vouyeristic challenge, where traps are set and the lurid details are sought after. The victim of the stalking often feels violated and suspicious. They wonder if they are being paranoid with their suspicions.

The question arises, “How do I know I am being stalked?” Here are 10 signs that you are being stalked:

1. Repeated intrusive and frightening communications. These may be either emails of telephone calls. It often starts with unknown numbers and progresses beyond that.

2. Repeated leaving of unwanted items, presents, or flowers.

3. Being followed by the stalker or ‘conveniently running into them’ at places such as home, school, work, or place of recreation.

4. Strange calls or letters to children, relatives, or friends.

5. Damaging or threatening to damage the victim’s property.

6. Being harrased through the internet. This includes hacking, questionable material or comments posted to social sites, etc.

7. Posting information and/or spreading rumors about the victim. This may be on the internet, in a public place, the workplace or by word of mouth.This would also include the posting of embarrassing photos.

8. Obtaining personal information about the victim. This is done throug accessing public records such as internet search services, hiring private investigators, going through the victim’s garbage, following the victim, contacting victim’s friends, family work, or neighbors, etc.

9. The stalker often knows where you were when you did not tell them.

10. The stalker often drives by your residence or place of business.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating and stalking, Rebuilding the relationship, Signs of Stalking, stalking and affairs, Understanding Affairs

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Dealing with stalking behavior is another one of the down sides of affairs. In my previous post I mentioned the ‘hunter’ mentality. Another aspect of the hunter mentality is stalking. If you have ever watched a cat sneaking up on its prey, there are lessons there that will help you understand and deal with stalking behavior.

The hunter is extrememly focused. They have their prey on the mind and often block out other distractions. They ignore what is going on around them and only focus on the victim. They show determination. They persue their victim with a dogged persistence. Since that is all that is on their mind, they are able to devote all their energies to that task. Things that would distract normal people do not distract them. They often build their lives around the victim. The relationship with the victim is often a love/hate one. They often alternate between one feeling and the other. They will talk about how they care about the victim, yet persue them as if they hated them with a vengence.  The hunter will often view the victim as ‘their property’. This ownership aspect leads them to take things personally that are not theirs to take.

Once they have the victim, they play with them. They will seek to engage them. In the case of stalkers, they often want to talk to or write to the victim. It often does not matter if the content is positive or negative or shocking, their main purpose is to engage. Keeping this in mind, in order to survive a stalker, you will need to avoid engaging them. Even when they make inflammatory remarks, IGNORE them! Keep your focus and do not be distracted by their hunting tactics.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and stalking, cheating and stalking, dealing with stalking behaviors, infidelity and stalking, Understanding Affairs

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One of the dangers of the internet, and especially social network sites is that many people use them to stalk others. This feature brings an element of danger to any affair, whether it is virtual or otherwise. The ability to stalk means that the spurned lover may hunt down your partner or even the resolute spouse during and after the affair. This feature also poses a danger for the lover. The lover can also be stalked by an anger or obsessed spouse.

Getting involved in an affair is often akin to Russian Roulette in that the unsuspecting spouse may not have considered the psychological make up of the person they selected to have an affair with (or who had an affair with them). When you can get into another person’s pants, the likelihood is that there are some self-control issues at work. Those same poor self-control that made it easy to score, makes that person dangerous. The easy score may also have limited self-control when it comes to revenge or respecting boundaries.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

cheating and stalking, cyber stalking and affairs, poor self control, revenge and cheating, stalking, Understanding Affairs

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