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When I discovered that my mom had an affair, I did not want to believe it. For a period of time I tried blocking it out of my mind. The nagging questions would not let me block it out as well as I would like. Questions like “How could she do this?” “Doesn’t she know any better?” “What was she thinking?” “Why him?” “How can she say that she loves me and do something like this?” went through my head. No amount of rock music could block it out.

When the time came that she initially talked about it. When I expressed my thoughts and feelings, she commented “Your just like your father!” and stormed out. I was left stunned and unsure of what just transpired. Although I was legally an adult, at that moment, I was as crushed as a boy who had just lost his puppy with it being run over. When betrayal and hurt happen within families, the hurt and pain go deep. Since the hurt and pain are deep, it often takes time, lots of time in order to bring healing to the hearts of those touched by the adultery.  Although parents assume that their adult children ‘understand’, there is a massive gulf between ‘understanding’ and ‘forgiving’ or even ‘acceptance’ of what occurred. Such healing does not occur by osmosis or magically, it requires time and forgiveness. It requires honesty and acceptance of responsibility.

Just because your child is an adult, it is wrong to assume they will openly accept what has happened.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

adult children and affairs, adult children and infidelity, Affairs and Children, children and affairs

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The myths of ancient Greece often contain insights into human behavior. They often serve as metaphors that provide instruction concerning situations people often find themselves in. The story of Helen of Troy is a fine example that deals with affairs. In the story, Helen is given as a wife to her husband King Menelaus. Helen had come from a troubled family where the children were split up and had some identity confusion related to being from different backgrounds.  In some stories, her mother had been raped.

With such circumstances, here youth and growing up were terrible. She literally went through  hell. (Once she was kidnapped and taken through Hades). When she finally married, it was to Menelaus of Sparta. Menelaus was a man’s man. In order to keep the competition at bay for his wife, he had made a pact with her previous suitors and all the other kings of Greece. The pact amounted to them agreeing to come to his aide if someone tried to seduce her.

Paris of Troy came along and seduced her. Together the two of them ran off to his home. Menelaus sought revenge for the episode. In the ensuing war, many Trojans and Greeks were killed. The fighting was so intense some of the gods themselves took sides and were wounded.

She saw that Paris was not as honorable as he had originally appeared to be, and besides that he was a wimp.

When the fighting was over, she was estranged from her child and returned to Menelaus.

The story has many commonalities with modern affairs.

-Affairs lead to conflict

-Affairs lead to alliances and more conflict

-Even religious and righteous persons can be wounded in the fighting related to affairs.

-The woman involved had a troubled child hood

-The man involved had some masculinity issues and tried to prove himself by having the affair

-Affairs lead to family estrangement

There are many others as well. It would do us well to re-examine the story and its application to modern ‘cheating’ and ‘affairs’.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affair metaphors, Affairs and Children, cheating stories, children and affairs, family violence and affairs, helen of troy and cheating, History of Affairs

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One of the painful consequences of affairs are unwanted children. In some cases, the children of the original marriage/relationship become unwanted and in other cases, the children produced by the affair become unwanted. Irregardless of how the children arrived in their situation, they face the pain of rejection. Children also know when they are being rejected. It is as if they have a meter to know when people like them and when they are ‘just being nice’. They also have a way of sensing when people are playing their parent versus actually being interested in them.

Although dealing with children is an aspect that is often overlooked concerning affairs, it is part of the package deal that affairs come with. In a manner similar to fast food restaurants that sell their products in “meal deals”, when you have an affair, you are taking on a ‘full meal deal’ that includes children, health issues, legal issues and in-laws. Although one does not date a person because they love the in-laws, recognizing that having to deal with them is part of what comes with the person involved in the affair.

You may have the hots for your ‘lover’, but keep in mind that lovers come with strings attached. They, like yourself also have baggage that comes with them.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs and Children, children and affairs, in laws and affairs, unwanted children

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One of the most tragic aspects of cheating is that families and lives are destroyed, while those who perpetrated the cheating often gloat and justify their actions by saying it was ‘between consenting adults’. Although the selfish adults who participated in the affair consented, they did not consider how their actions would impact their family, children, parents, job, reputation and community. With each affair that occurs within a family or community, something dies. Some of the strength and hope that once existed is destroyed. Such actions serve to weaken families, communities and churches all in the name of ‘consenting adults’.

The phrase ‘consenting adults’ is often bandied about as if somehow it makes everything right. The phrase somehow makes their selfish acts and the single parent homes left in the wake of their infidelity acceptable to them. They do not consider the pain of family members and friends who carry the scars and have to face the damage of those ‘consenting adults’. The cheaters use the phrase as if it were a ‘get out of jail free card’ that allows them to engage in any kind of behavior they desire without any accountablity or responsibility. They want to be totally irresponsible and expect others to accept them and clean up their mess as if it were ‘no big deal’. Infidelity is a big deal. Dealing with the shame of having a father or mother that sleeps around or is a swinger stays with them for years after the fun of ‘consenting adults’ is over.

Although those using the term ‘consenting adults’ to excuse their behavior as if they were responsible adults, the results often take away choices and freedoms from those around them. The victims of the ‘consenting adults’ often do not have choices concerning how they live their lives. The stigma of what the consenting adults did does not wash off with soap and water.  Some researches have suggested that the impact of such actions may be as long as 80-100 years. History teaches that the hurts associated with infidelities often stretch even further. Long after the ‘consenting adults’ are dead and gone, those left behind find themselves facing the pain and ugliness of the choices that the ‘consenting adults’ refused to face.

The term is used as a type of tyranny that stretches across the generations. The pain does not end when people die. The pain does not end when the affair is over. The pain is passed like the Olympic torch from generation to generation, who each will have to face and struggle with the habits, patterns and reputation of those ‘consenting adults’ that went before.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs and Children, children and affairs, the long term effects of infidelity, the long term impact of affairs, Understanding Affairs

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In listening to some selections from my music collection, I heard the song “Temptation Eyes” by the Grass Roots. The song contains some basic truths of use for those struggling with infidelity and temptation. Temptation and affairs often go together. There are also several temptations at work at any given time. There is the temptation to have the affair, the temptation to pay the disloyal spouse back either with a payback affair, spying, hurting them back or even legal paybacks for the affair. It is not only the couple, the other woman/man may also find themselves struggling with the temptation to call the spouse, engage is some extreme behavior or engage in paybacks themselves. With this being the case, at any given time, each of the primary parties involved are struggling with temptation. When the secondary social atom is examined, there are further temptations. The parents, children, relatives or friends of those involved in the affair often experience temptations as well. These parties also have a wide range of emotions that they are tempted to ‘give in to’. At some levels, it may be the temptation to speak out and say something or in some cases to ‘take things in their own hands’ and do something extreme.  Their actions may be either direct or indirect in nature.

The interplay of all the parties involved is similar to a mobile spinning through space. Each part of the social world has some relationship and effect on the other parts. The values, drives, desires, morals and passions of each party exterts its influence on the affair situation and relationship. The parties involved in the affair may tell themselves that it only concerns them in order to avoid having to face the many complicated relationships at work. The choices made concerning whether to give in to or resist temptation have a ripple effect on all the parties involved either through primary or secondary relationships. The temptation you give in to may start a series of action-reaction that was never imagined. Consider the potential impact of choices before making them

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

Affairs and Children, affairs and temptation, children and affairs, infidelity and temptation, parents and affairs, paybacks and affair, the payback affair, Understanding Affairs

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Statements such as “I hate holidays!” is common in families that have been touched by affairs. Affairs have a way of turning holidays into times of conflict and pain. The old loyalties to family members are fragmented.  The children find themselves having to accept people and situations they may not like. Since they love their parents, they find themselves torn between their feelings to each of them. Since families often find themselves together over the holidays, when there has been an affair, they are brought face to face with the pain and shame of the affair. It is akin to taking a dog and rubbing their nose in their own feces. Dogs don’t like it, nor do family members like it either. The dislike of the holidays will show up in the form of comments and resistance to attending the family events. Your children may not be misbehaving, they may be having normal reactions to misbehavior by the parents. Before taking your child to the therapist to ‘fix them’, you may need to consider how the affair contributes to things first. Hating holidays and family gatherings is an indication that something is going on, and that the something is painful.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Affairs and Children, children and affairs, Holidays and affairs, infidelity and holidays, the impact of affairs on family holidays, Understanding Affairs

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