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After discovering an affair, it is tempting for each spouse to ’speak their mind’ or ’speak the plain truth’ about how they view things. The feelings are often raw and the comments made are rough at best. Although it may temporarily feel better to let it all hang out, this is a time restraint and caution are needed. An important question to ask oneself during this time is “Will it bring healing?” If your comments will not bring healing to the relationship or yourself, then they are best not said. Many things could be said, but if they do nothing but bring destruction and hurt, you may want to think twice. Yes, honesty is the best policy, yet it is important to temper that honesty with love. What is said needs to focus on what will help the relationship, not destroy it!

As you address the issues and focus on rebuilding, remember to temper your ‘plain truth’ with love. The attitude behind what is said often communicates more than the words themselves. It may be the plain truth, but when it is not presented in love, will not be listened to in a positive way. When people are vulnerable, you are in a position to either build them up or demolish them.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

affairs and truth, communication, infidelity and truth, Rebuilding the relationship, speaking the truth, Understanding Affairs

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Some couples create problems for themselves by assuming they know what their spouse is thinking. Some even go so far as to complete sentences and attempt speaking for their spouse. These kinds of behaviors and assumptions do not enhance communication, they actually obstruct it. communication is more than just the words, it also includes the interaction between the spouses. Communication involves the two people connecting with each other on mental, emotional and spiritual levels. It includes giving each other time and space to speak what is on their mind. This is especially critical when there has been an affair. You may have a very good idea what your spouse is thinking, but they need you to allow them to speak for themselves. You need them to speak for themselves. When both spouses speak for themselves, then they can talk through things. When only one speaks for both, there is no communication going on. There is plenty of talking but no communication.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

communication, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationship skills

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In the heat of a couple’s arguments, you might hear them spewing out words that do not seem to make sense. Except for the rings that they wear, you might think that they are enemies in the midst of a heated discussion. If they simply slow down and put themselves in the shoes of their partners, perhaps they can mend their misunderstanding and rebuild their marriage.

People often fight back with harsh words when they feel that they are being misunderstood or that their point of view is being attacked. When you suddenly feel the rage building up inside you, pause for a while and check yourself. Are you going to say what you are about to say just to get even and attack back? There could be grains of truth that can help you develop your person and your marriage. Stop and listen! This is one of the big challenges couples face in counseling.  They often respond with “What about MY feelings?” or defend their actions rather than try to understand their spouse. Focus on understanding. Understand first, before explanations, before excuses, and before demands.

If you have recently gone through an affair, you should realize that your marriage has taken a beating and badly needs healing. Hence, you had better put yourself in the shoes of your partner and start seeing things from his or her perspective. That way, you can see the situation better and more objectively.

communication, how to heal marriage, marriage relationships, marriage therapy, Understanding Affairs

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 How long has it been since you had a real and meaningful talk with your spouse? What did you talk about? Your work, some political issues and perhaps the finances of your family? If you assess the level of your intimacy now, would you still say that you love each other?

It’s so easy to put the blame on the other person and say that he or she is not giving you enough time. But is that really the case? If you allowed the misunderstandings and lack of communication to fester, you might have gone through the painful experience of an affair recently.

Perhaps the affair is but a symptom of a deeper problem, which you have not given attention to. If you truly love each other, go down to the root problems and do not deal only with the symptoms. Unless you go through the difficult process of digging through the root problems, you will keep on dealing with surface matters in your marriage.

It seems easy to consult a lawyer and file for divorce but if you do so right away, you might deprive yourself of the valuable lessons you will learn from the affair that you have gone through. No matter how difficult it may seem, go to the root problems of your marriage and learn from the lessons and mistakes.

affairs, cheating, communication, infidelity, philandering, relationships, Understanding Affairs

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In the realm of warfare, a Cold War may inflict a greater degree of damage more than open warfare. The problem with a cold war is that you may not know what the real issues are and how they could be resolved. In open warfare, you know your enemies and the reason for the conflict. Marriage is not supposed to be a battlefield but a partnership and a home of love and friendship. An affair, however, is sure to turn the marriage into a battle scene yielding a lot of casualties and broken hearts. How do you bring it back to being a home of love? Make peace and ensure that the affair is really over. The erring spouse should make a firm commitment to really let go of the affair and affirm the marriage.

Communication, of course, is important. This would help in ensuring that the issues are brought out into the open and resolve appropriately. With open and honest communication, both spouse could address their issues and work their ways toward solving their issues. Relationships are built upon trust and trust cannot be built without open and honest communication. If you have this, you won’t need to worry about a cold war between you and your spouse.

affair, cheating, communication, infidelity, philandering, relationships, Understanding Affairs

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