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Lies, fantasies and hiding are often a big part of the affair relationship. The reasons for how each of these starts is varied.  The portion that I want to draw attention to in this post is hiding. Although it may start as a way to keep the awareness of the affair away from the spouse, the hiding quickly becomes a game that both husband and wife become involved in. The adulterer often believes that they are smarter or more clever than their spouse. The spouse knows “I’m not that dumb”, and has their own form of trickiness.

I learned a lot about the hiding game from playing with my dog. Although our interaction did not start out as a game, it quickly becomes one, with my dog hiding either from me or hiding something I am looking for. He seems to enjoy it more the more frustrated I become.

In a similar manner, the hiding game often escalates, with the real payoff being how frustrated and aggravated one spouse can make the other. You know it is a game when both know that the affair exists, but they are playing cat and mouse about the details. The two spouses play a form of hide and seek with cell phones, credit card bills, phone records, toll booth records, computer records, etc. They both dance around the facts, with one denying anything until there is proof, even though both of them know what is in fact occurring. When the game gets to this point, it is no longer about whether or not an affair is occurring, it is more about the emotinal reactions to what is going on. The ‘winner’ is the one who can emotionally set off the other one. When the emotinal explosion occurs, there is often the ‘grin’ that comes over the other one’s face signifying-”I got ya”

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, affair games, dealing with adultery, hiding and affairs, hiding and cheating, infidelity, is he cheating, is she cheating, Understanding Affairs

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One of the things I remember about the old television show, Mission:Impossible was how the message would self-destruct. I was reminded of this in dealing with some affair situations. Many times, after finding out about affairs, spouses will self-destruct on mental and emotional levels. This is often accomplished with the mantra “Why did he/she….?” They torment themselves trying to find the motivations and thinking of their adulterous spouse. Although on one level it appears rational to ask questions that explain what happened, in this case, such questions are ’self-destructive’. Since the adulterous spouse was often not thinking, but merely reacting, to spend hours trying to comprehend what they were thinking is an exercise in futility. Besides being mentally futile, it ties up your energies focusing on the past rather than facing the present or resolving the issues you are facing.

Persistently asking “why” questions also keeps the emotional issues stirred up. The stirring up of such emotions will keep the resolute spouse in a persistent state of agitation. Since the mind will find an answer or explanation to the questions it is asked, the why questions often become self-destructive due to the fact that they generate answers that often lay the blame on the person asking the question since they can’t find answers elsewhere.

Since adulterers often live a life of double standards and secrets, trying to comprehend and understand it in a consistent, coherent manner is not possible. The “why” questions posed turn into the tool of the spouses self-destruction. By obsessing onsuch questions, the resolute spouse turns themselves into a ‘basket case’, thus transforming the adulterer into a martyr who is justified in doing what they did, due to the fact that they live with a basket case spouse.

If you are wanting to overcome an affair, it is essential to your survival to avoid the why questions that bring with them self-destruction.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adulery, cheating, dealing with adultery, infidelity, questions after the affair, Rebuilding the relationship, self destructive behavior after an affair, Understanding Affairs

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In checking my e-mails, I was accosted by the usual assortment of ads promising how my love life will totally turn around with someone’s product. Like Superman, I will last longer, be bigger, make her happier, etc. It hit me that many people actually believe these myths. If that pill and the sexual fireworks are all it takes to make her worship me then I do not have to deal with emotions or any relationship building stuff. The pill manages to take all responsibility away from me.

Many affairs have some kernel of that myth within them as well. The fantasy that “everything will improve with great sex”  or that “great sex fixes everything” creates an unrealistic marriage environment. Such thinking places added emphasis on sexual activity. When sex becomes the primary motivator, then the likelihood of affairs increases. Any marital security lies not with commitment or love, but rather with your most recent performance.

Rebuilding the marriage requires house cleaning concerning such myths. The equation that marital satisfaction=sexual performance will need to be dispelled. Yes, there will need to be sex, but not as the primary emphasis around which everything else is based. People need security, they need commitment, they need connection, they need communication, they need more than what sex alone can provide.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, dealing with adultery, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, recovering from adultery, recovery from an affair, sexual enhancing drugs, sexual performance and affairs, Understanding Affairs

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