One of the things I remember about the old television show, Mission:Impossible was how the message would self-destruct. I was reminded of this in dealing with some affair situations. Many times, after finding out about affairs, spouses will self-destruct on mental and emotional levels. This is often accomplished with the mantra “Why did he/she….?” They torment themselves trying to find the motivations and thinking of their adulterous spouse. Although on one level it appears rational to ask questions that explain what happened, in this case, such questions are ’self-destructive’. Since the adulterous spouse was often not thinking, but merely reacting, to spend hours trying to comprehend what they were thinking is an exercise in futility. Besides being mentally futile, it ties up your energies focusing on the past rather than facing the present or resolving the issues you are facing.
Persistently asking “why” questions also keeps the emotional issues stirred up. The stirring up of such emotions will keep the resolute spouse in a persistent state of agitation. Since the mind will find an answer or explanation to the questions it is asked, the why questions often become self-destructive due to the fact that they generate answers that often lay the blame on the person asking the question since they can’t find answers elsewhere.
Since adulterers often live a life of double standards and secrets, trying to comprehend and understand it in a consistent, coherent manner is not possible. The “why” questions posed turn into the tool of the spouses self-destruction. By obsessing onsuch questions, the resolute spouse turns themselves into a ‘basket case’, thus transforming the adulterer into a martyr who is justified in doing what they did, due to the fact that they live with a basket case spouse.
If you are wanting to overcome an affair, it is essential to your survival to avoid the why questions that bring with them self-destruction.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adulery, cheating, dealing with adultery, infidelity, questions after the affair, Rebuilding the relationship, self destructive behavior after an affair, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In checking my e-mails, I was accosted by the usual assortment of ads promising how my love life will totally turn around with someone’s product. Like Superman, I will last longer, be bigger, make her happier, etc. It hit me that many people actually believe these myths. If that pill and the sexual fireworks are all it takes to make her worship me then I do not have to deal with emotions or any relationship building stuff. The pill manages to take all responsibility away from me.
Many affairs have some kernel of that myth within them as well. The fantasy that “everything will improve with great sex” or that “great sex fixes everything” creates an unrealistic marriage environment. Such thinking places added emphasis on sexual activity. When sex becomes the primary motivator, then the likelihood of affairs increases. Any marital security lies not with commitment or love, but rather with your most recent performance.
Rebuilding the marriage requires house cleaning concerning such myths. The equation that marital satisfaction=sexual performance will need to be dispelled. Yes, there will need to be sex, but not as the primary emphasis around which everything else is based. People need security, they need commitment, they need connection, they need communication, they need more than what sex alone can provide.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, dealing with adultery, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, recovering from adultery, recovery from an affair, sexual enhancing drugs, sexual performance and affairs, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
