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Often the simple things are what makes the difference in relationships. When affairs happen, there are often enormous hurts and accusations. Although it is tempting to ‘let it all hang out’ with your spouse in terms of your hurts and accusations, you need to consider, “Will it bring healing?” In most cases, venting creates more distance. With that distance is more hurt. The time that you need them, you have pushed them away with your rants. Although it is counter-intuitive, the solution is to “Shut up and listen!”. Focus on understanding your spouse rather than trying to convince them that your opinion and view of the situation is the only right one. I have seen many couples where one party tries to ‘explain’ things, even though what they called ‘explaining’ was nothing more than persuading their spouse that their view of the situation was the only right one.
When one listens, there is greater understanding. Only ask questions that provide understanding rather than those involving accusations.
For more ways of dealing with the pain, obtain “Infidelity: A Survivor’s Guide”
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
dealing with affairs, dealing with cheating, my husband cheated, my wife cheated, Rebuilding the relationship, that cheating bitchIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
There was a speaker who once used the illustrative story which included the line, “The best time to plant an apple tree was 2o years ago”. His story comes to mind in dealing with affairs as well. Although the best strategy would be to avoid them altogether, when people are trapped in them, the time to get out is NOW. Waiting for a better time is often an illusion that distracts and teases. Each day you stay in an affair relationship, it tears away at your soul and your self image. The longer one stays in the relationship, the harder it is to leave and the more damage it does.
Rather than waiting for the ‘perfect’ exit strategy, you may have to just leave. Leaving an affair is not easy. The emotional ties make it more difficult. For your own mental health, you will need to leave. The breaking of the emotional ties will come with time, and choosing not to romanticise what occurred. When the question is posed, “Didn’t we have something beautiful?”, you will have to tell yourslef things like “It was wrong!” or “It was misleading!”, “We were kidding ourselves”. Allowing yourself to say “Yes”, even with a “Yes, but…” will keep the emotional ties active.
The best time to leave the relationship was before it began. Now that you are in it, you need to leave now.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
breaking emotional ties, dealing with affairs, emotional ties, leaving a lover, leaving a relationship, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Fantasy plays a major part in affairs. Even when considering the role of the lover, fantasy plays a major factor. Fantasy provides the building blocks of constructing “a relationship that can never be”. Although there are many promises about what the relationship with the adulterer can be, the reality is that it will never be a long term relationship based on commitment. Statistically, a majority of adulterers will leave the lover (somewhere in the 70-80% range depending on the study). The odds that the affair will last are also against you. In most cases, affairs last about 15 months-2 years. Rarely does an adulterer leave their spouse for the lover and it last. Yes, there are exceptions, but the numbers do not support that type of fantasy.
Although images from movies like “An Officer and a Gentleman” where the hero returns and takes the lover away may be playing in the paramours mind, in most cases, such scenes do not happen. Yes, there are cases like Johnny Cash and June Carter where the affair turned into a marriage, but these situations are rare and they do not often last. The pain their relationship created was intense and long term. The affair at best is a short-term relationship without any long term commitments. In coping with the affair, it is important to tell oneself the truth about what it is and how slim the chances are that it will be anything else.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
affairs, chance of success for affair relationships, dealing with affairs, History of Affairs, Johnny Cash, June Carter, loving a married man, loving a married woman, marriage after an affair, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
With affairs, the dangers and damage are not always those that are seen. One of the major damages done in affairs is that concerning reputation. The damage done to reputation impacts the cheater along with their family. Although all kinds of excuses are made to justify participating in the affair, the damage affects the whole family. Even when it is unseen, the damage is real. Once the reputation is stained, no amount of Tide, Gain or any other laundry detergent will be able to remove it.
One of the destructive aspects of a damaged reputation is how it hangs in the back of people’s minds when interacting with your family. It is often easier to drop one’s pants and engage in embarrasing behaviors than to clean up the damage done to the reputation. Since reputation is something that you take with you to church, work and where you live, a soiled reputation follows its victim everywhere they go as well. Cheating is far from a victimless crime, and mind-confusing act, it damages the soul. Although many things can be forgiven, affairs take more time that other acts of moral terpitude.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
Affairs and Children, affairs and reputation, cheating and repuation, dealing with affairs, the effect of affairs on the family, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
With affairs, as with other human relationship issues there is a tendency for things to complicate quickly. With how quickly them complicate, there is a need for direction or focus. One of the ways to maintain focus I learned from sailors. In order to maintain their course, they have a clear and defined idea where they are going. They plot a course. During their journey, they take readings and readjust their vessel to account for storms, waves, etc. and return to the original course.
Navigating through human relationships can be stormy. By using the example of the sailor, we need to stay on course. If your destination is reconciliation, then do not get caught up in paybacks and punishment. If you just want peace of mind, you may have to give up control and other issues that take away that peace of mind. Focus on what is your final destination rather than allowing yourself to become distracted by the rocking of the boat.
Focus is an important tool, when you use it. In making through an affair, it is essential to maintain focus.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
dealing with affairs, dealing with cheating, how to maintain focus, maintaining focus, Rebuilding the relationshipIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Years ago, the musical group, the Moody Blues performed a song that included the line, “through the eyes of a child…”. This is a good song to keep in mind when a spouse is looking at an affair situation. Adults have a way a of rationalizing and excusing cheating. When a person wants to cheat, the mind has a way of making the unacceptable sound acceptable. Although the adult mind may distort things, a child’s mind does not look at things the same way. Although the parent may excuse the affair and believe it is acceptable, they forget that one day they will have to answer to their children. Even though their children may not ask questions at the time of an affair, they eventually will. Before you excuse the cheating, look at it through your child’s eyes and you will see things differently. Children have a simple way of looking at the world. They look at the world in black and white rather than excusing behaviors.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Affairs and Children, dealing with affairs, exlaining cheating to children, explaining affairs to children, through the eyes of a childIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
One of the problems couples struggle with in recovering from cheating and infidelity concerns compromising. Normally compromising is good for relationships, yet when cheating is involved, couples are often not clear on their boundaries. The lack of clarity concerning boundaries leads to compromise after compromise after compromise. Although it sounds healthy, the compromising which occurs after cheating often consists of one party caving in on their position and the other not giving much of anything up. Although it is called compromising, in reality it is more often giving ground. A true compromise involves both parties changing their positions. When the compromise is one-sided, it is not really a compromise. In my experience, what often occurs is that one of the spouses surrenders their right of accountability just to keep the peace. That is not a compromise. In such situations, someone is trying to avoid guilt reactions in response to their behaviors.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, cheating, dealing with affairs, infidelity, marriage counseling, Rebuilding the relationship, relationshipsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
