A writer once said that there are thousands of ways to start an affair, but not one good way to end them. Although affairs are often easy to start, they are not easy to pull away from. Once the feelings and emotions are involved and boding takes place, leaving the relationship is akin to leaving part of yourself behind. Many times those who are caught up in affairs are looking for ways to ‘ease out’ of the situation. There is no easy way out, there is no painless way to stop the relationship. Someone is going to experience hurt. You can not avoid the pain. Let the pain teach you something about relationships and about commitment.

I mentioned a television show that promotes swinging. In shows like that one as well as movies, they often do not fully convey the pain associated with affairs. If they did, few people would ever even consider having one. If people knew there was no easy way out and the amount of pain it will bring, they would not even consider starting one.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs, break up from the affair, break ups, dealing with pain, infidelity, Understanding Affairs

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Forgiveness is an oft-repeated word you about in the church, in self-development workshops and groups, and even in talk shows. Yet, beyond the usual tirades and yaddas about it, a lot of people e still wonder “How” to go about actually forgiving someone. If you also think about the seriousness that infidelity causes, you would also understand why a lot of people are hesitant in extending forgiveness. If you have been through an affair, forgiving your spouse is important in helping yourself be whole again.

When the pain of the infidelity is still fresh in your heart, you have to find ways to let out these emotions. Don’t bottle them up. One way to begin letting go is taking your pen and your paper. Write down your emotions. Write down your thoughts. Don’t pause to edit your grammar and your ideas. Just express what is in your heart, writing down everything that comes to your heart or mind. If you hate your spouse for what happened, write it down! (Since this is a tool for you, and not a court document, you can include fantasies. You can write down what you imagine.)

Once those items are written, it will become clearer, what your pain is actually about. Writing has a way of forcing us to develop honesty with ourselves. It also forces us to think through what actually occurred and what we imagined. It brings thoughts and emotions into focus and provides greater clarity in thinking.

Once you have identified the emotions and thoughts, read what you have written. Consider what you can learn from it. After gaining what you can, when you decide to begin the letting go process, you can take the next step.

Go to the fireplace, or any place that you can be alone. Burn the paper and let that be a symbol that you are letting go of these negative emotions. When you do, you shall be more prepared in dealing with your spouse and talking about rebuilding your marriage.

affairs, dealing with pain, how to forgive, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships

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When the upheaval erupts after an affair is disclosed, there is often emotional distance between the spouses. During this time, pain becomes a powerful motivator, forcing the spouses to honestly consider what is going on and what they need to do about it. This is also a dangerous time, in that those people who offer to help or who are sought out for help many times do more to impede progress than help it. How does this happen? It happens when the helpers intervene and help those hurting out of pain before they have dealt with what needs to be dealt with . Pain is often a sensation we experience to protect us from some greater danger. Like the other skin sensations, it warns us of an impending danger, whether that is an external danger or internal one. Likewise emotional pain also warns us of things.

The hurt spouses often seek people out to talk with. The spouses need to be honest with themselves during this time. In seeking someone to talk to, are you wanting them to listen, or to validate what your side of the story is. There is a big difference between validation and hearing someone out. This kind of situations often lead to larger problems if they are not handled well.

To sum up what I am saying, pain is a warning sign. Learn to listen to it and identify what it is telling you. When in pain, be careful when talking about your marital problems with others. Be honest with them concerning whether you want someone to listen to you or validate you. Learning how to handle pain and work through it is going to be key in overcoming the affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, affairs, cheating, dealing with pain, infidelilty, Understanding Affairs

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