One of the questions that arises in dealing with affairs is that of denial. I have written about whether one is dealing with denial or lying on my hub page. The aspect of denial that I will address today is how strong can denial be? There are many levels of denial. At it’s strongest, denial can distort reality. Since the person is not aware they are distorting matters, they do not consider it lying. Since affairs often involve behavior that is unacceptable to the adulterer, there may be a total denial of what occurred. In such cases, they will need to be confronted with hard evidence of their actions. Although long term psychotherapy can break through some some denial, the time required is often more that is available.

When you are dealing with denial, the adulterer may even see the hard evidence and claim that it is someone else. Since they sincerely believe that it was not them, they will be convincing. It is possible that the recent Roger Clemens story is a case of denial as well.

There are also cases where there is a partial denial. This occurs where the adulterer does not recall portions of what they did. It is as if there are portions of their memory wiped clean rather than recollection of the whole matter. There may be denial concerning the facts, their emotions or their thinking. Since many adulterers often go into a trance-like state during the affair, they often do not recall the full details of what they did and said. It may be years before they recall fully what they were a part of.

There are often tell tale signs of lying. These can include poor eye contact, avoidance of the issues, scratching or rubbing the nose. It is my assumption that you know your spouse well enough to know their unique tell tale signals. If you do not know when they are lying, then that is an area needing improvement.
To sum it up, denial can be so strong it denies reality. It can be full or partial. Denial and lying are two distinctly different things that each require a different way of dealing with them.

Best Regards,

J Murrah

affairs, cheating, denial, infidelity, lying, philandering, relationship, Understanding Affairs

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In the aftermath of affairs where there has been physical abuse, there is a strange phenomena related to denial. Recall that the purpose of denial is to distort events and recollections. This phenomena concerns how spouses on realizing the existence of an affair and abuse see very clearly the pattern of wrongs and how things have been twisted around. Since as humans no one wants to think that someone who once loved them could reject them. It is hard to conceive. Since it is hard to conceive, the mind active works to distort events and the recollection of them. As more time goes by, the mind works toward minimizing what happened regarding the affair and what all was involved. This distorting occurs naturally. The distortion is particularly strong when the situation was abusive or involving humiliating sexual activity.

In the event that your spouse has physically abused you, the time to take action is immediately. In such situations, the longer one waits, the greater the likelihood of distortion.  The distortion will often attempt to minimize or downplay what occurred.

Although this phenomena occurs more in traumatic situations, it also occurs to some degrees in non-violent affair situations. For that reason, it will be important to write down your recollections, rather than trust them to memory. This will help you acurately recall the issues needing attention.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, cheating, denial, denial of adultery, infidelity, memory difficulties related to affairs, philandering, Understanding Affairs

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Affairs are often filled with secrets. Besides the secrets, they are also filled with lies and denial, which comes in many forms. Learning how to deal with the denial is a major challenge for many couples.

The first denial is denying what is occurring or what happened. There is often a gap in time between when an affair is suspected and when the evidence is so overwhelming that you can not deny what is going on or what happened. Denial of what happened may be a complete  of awareness dealing with any aspect of the affair, or denying portions of what happened. The denial occurs with both the adulterer and the resolute spouse. In many ways, making excuses for your spouse is a form of denying what occurred. Denial can be very strong. I have seen a spouse not hear when the wayward adulterer confesses due to the strength of denial. It could be that your spouse tried saying things to you or even telling your outright, but denial kept you from hearing what was said. The best way to deal with such denial is tell yourself and your spouse the truth of what occurred. It will be important to stick with facts, rather than conjecture and suspicions.

Once there has been an exposing of the facts, and of the affair itself, then the couple has to face its effects on communication. Besides being strong, denial is a very real obstacle to communication. Denial has a way of distorting and twisting what is said and heard. If you suspect that denial is at work, clarify with your spouse what you thought you heard. Because the emotions and denial are so intense, there is often a tendency to confuse matters. People often hear what they want to hear, and not actually what was said. In dealing with this make sure you clarify what you heard and what it means.

Besides the denial of what occurred, there are other types of denial at work. The denial is at work in both you and your spouse. Another form of this problem is denial of what you felt on finding out about the affair.

On finding out about an affair, there are many emotions. Some may be expressed, and some held back. It will be important in overcoming this issue that you be honest with yourself about what you are experiencing. This includes the emotions you felt toward yourself, and toward your spouse. Sometimes a discrepancy exists between the emotions you expressed and the emotions you experienced. Since the shock of an affair often triggers vulnerability and helplessness, and those emotions are not desirable, they are often covered up by other emotions. There may be strong hostile feelings aroused by what happens. In some cases there is curiosity and arousal along with the hostility. Rather than give in to these emotions, and assume if you feel them, it must be so. Instead view them as part of the barometer of your emotional state. They are revealing aspects of the turbulence, tension and mood of the relationship along with your needs.

Although couples want a one shot sure fire silver bullet to remove denial, it does not exist. Overcoming denial will take honesty about what happened in the affair, honesty about what each party feels, and honesty about what is currently going on. Some denial only fades as those involved feel safe. It will help reduce denial if there is an assurance of safety, and willingness to hear them out. It becomes counter-productive if you are not genuinely attempting to listen and understand what they tell you. Keeping denial out of the relationship is like keeping dust out of a home, it requires frequent regular activity to keep it down to a low level.

Best Regards,

 Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, affair, cheating, denial, infidelity, relationships, Understanding Affairs

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