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I find it an oddity that many people use affairs as a pretext for divorce. Somehow when a spouse has an affair, it makes divorce an acceptable option. It is as if the equation infidelity/cheating=D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Even when the divorce option is used to remedy the situation, the relationship and personality dynamics that set the stage for an affair are still in place. Those dynamics still need attention. The divorce only legally ends the marriage, it does not solve the problem, whether it was one of difficulty with commitment, sexual issues, intimacy issues or knowing how to be in a relationship. Such issues will still need to be addressed.
The oddity of using an affair is pretext for a divorce is even excused citing Biblical references to excuse the divorce. These excuses often blind the people from addressing the issues that led to the cheating in the first place. Such issues need to be addressed if the person wants to improve their lives and their relationships. What I have seen in many of these cases is that the decision is made concerning a desire and willingness to divorce long before the affair. The cheating in such scenarios is only when the trap is sprung, and their plan for divorce can be” put into action”. Yes, such thinking sounds sinister, which it is. In such cases, the cheating is part of a desire for divorce, although it is never acknowledged. In other words, the cheating and reaction to the cheating acts like a sub-concious desire for divorce.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Biblical excuses for divorce, cheating and divorce, cheating in relationships, divorce, infidelity, infidelity and divorce, Rebuilding the relationship, the Bible and cheating, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
One question that often surprises couples is “do you want marriage counseling or divorce counseling?” Some couples show up at the counselor after an affair and have never considered the reason they were there. The question startles them, it wakes them up to the reality of what they are facing. It also serves to make it clear what the agenda each of them has. Some spouses only attend counseling to appease their guilt and get their partner off their case. When spouses are honest with each other about what they are “meeting with the counselor” for, the work can be more effective. Repairing a relationship, especially after an affair requires commitment. This commitment consists of whether or not they are wanting to do what it takes to make it work or whether there is a point where they give up. When the issues addressed take people outside of their comfort zones, many spouses jump ship and leave the counseling either physically or mentally.
“Do you want marriage counseling or divorce counseling?”
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs and divorce, cheating, divorce, marriage counseling, overcoming cheating, preventing divorce, Rebuilding the relationshipIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Should You Get Divorce after an Affair?
You were hurt and you feel deeply betrayed. You ask yourself, “How can I trust my spouse again?” because of emotions and internal conflicts, you may become desperate in seeking for the right answers and the right solutions.
The most instinctive response to an affair is divorce. But is it really worth getting? Are you dead set on ending a relationship that seems to have ceased working? Before getting a divorce, you should carefully think through several things.
Don’t you love your spouse anymore? This question might be tough to answer for you. Even if you love your spouse, you can say that there are other things that could make a marriage work and that you are already at the end of your limit.
Do you wish to close the door to your spouse permanently? When you answer this, it might mean that you are closing the possibility of reconciliation. It means that you have given up on your marriage for good. This also means that you no longer believe that your spouse is capable of changing.
Is there an alternative other than divorce? Yes, there is! You can affirm your love and go through the process of rebuilding your marriage. Admittedly, it is the more difficult option. If you love each other enough and you are willing to work it out, then both of you can stand side by side and weather the storm that an affair caused.
affair, cheating, divorce, divorce question, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationshipIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Wendy Dager of the Ventura County Star Newspaper wrote an intriguing column on the prevalence of divorce. Although this is not a divorce blog, it does deal with affairs, and there is a HIGH correlation between affairs and divorce. In the article Wendy raises concerns about what the divorce rate will be among the grandchildren. Similar questions need to be asked concerning affairs. Will your children or grandchildren have affairs? Will affairs be the norm in the future? These are unsettling questions that must be pondered. If you want to stop such patterns from recurring in your family, the time to take action is now. You can do things to turn your marriage around. Divorce does not have to become the norm. Affairs do not have to become the norm either.
Obtaining counseling or help for the dealing with the affair provides other options. You can survive and affair. Consider purchasing Survive Your Partners Affair and helping children deal with affairs as part of your way of stopping the pattern. Affairs and divorce do not have to become part of your family legacy.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
affairs, Affairs in the News, cheating relationships, counseling, divorce, divorce rate, grandhcildren, infidelilty, philandering, relationships, self helpIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In expanding the resources available to those dealing with the pain of infidelity, I have posted several hub pages on various Infidelity related topics.
Is it lying or denial? This hub deals with discerning whether the behaviors you are dealing with are plain and simple lying or something else.
Is it love or love addiction? This hub deals with telling the difference between affairs and possible love addictions.
Infidelity and Custody Concerns. This hub deals with the custody related problems that often occur in conjunction with infidelity.
Infidelity and Parental Alienation Syndrome. This hub deals with a controversial topic in the area of affairs and infidelity.
Time, Money and Infidelity. This hub deals with the role that money plays in the start and on-going aspects of affairs.
There are some other hubs on infidelity as well. These provide more information than the blog post if you want more in depth reading and understanding than the posts provide.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, Affairs and Children, cheating, custody concerns, divorce, infidelity, marriage counseling, parent alienation syndrome, relationships, ResourcesIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In exploring some old books on marriage and family, I came across a passage published in 1897 by a man who served as a professor at the University of Texas. He addressed the issue of adultery, which was a problem then and remains so.
“Most modern laws, and many moralists, teach that the guilt of the adultress is much worse than that of the adulterer. They argue that her sin tends to corrupt the blood of the family. This unjust discrimination is refuted by the question, Has not the adulterer been taking an equal chance of corrupting the blood of the family of someone else? Moses punished male and female alike. This was right. The modern claim is but an attempt to have the male’s superior might make his right. Another fact usually makes the male’s guilt greater, that he is often the first suggester, tempter and seducer.”
The quote shows that although times have changed, human nature has not. In what some call the “good old days” there were people trying to persecute the woman adultress and let the male adulterer off the hook, which the author spoke out against. Some of those same people and their descendants are still running around. In the 19th century, people used different term, but the pain of affairs was a pressing problem even 111 years ago.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
adultery, affairs, cheating, divorce, History of Affairs, infidelity, marriage, philandering, relationshipsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Do you like lawyers? This is a key question if you are entertaining the prospect of a divorce, especially if children are involved. When you pursue the divorce option, you can rest assured that lawyers will be a major part of your life for several years. Your money will go to pay them for several years to come. In the long run it is cheaper to pay the counselors than the lawyers, although most people take the lawyer option, gambling that they may strike it rich and force the other side to pay. Much like Vegas, the odds are against you, and the likelihood is that you and your former spouse will both be paying off for many years. The money spent is will subtract from your children and your retirement.
In the aftermath of an affair, one needs to seriously consider the question, “Do you like lawyers?”, because how they answer it with words and actions will have a major influence over the next decade of their lives.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
adultery, affairs and lawyers, cheating, child custody, divorce, infidelity, relationships, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In exploring the news, I came across an article addressing marriage from an angle I had never considered. Researchers are finding that divorce is bad for the environment. Since it is bad for the environment, those couples needing a new perspective will find it from this angle. So not only does God hate divorce, so does the environment. Since divorce has such strong opposition, perhaps working through the issues in the marriage may be the best and wisest of alternatives. I know the story is not about affairs, but one of the effects of affairs is divorce. If you are dealing with a non-Christian, this new angle of how damaging it is to the environment gives hope to those who listen to mother earth rather than their creator.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
adultery, affairs, Affairs in the News, cheating, divorce, infidelityIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
