Although high drama showdowns make for entertainment at the movies, such episodes are not good for relationships. Even though we want a one time episode to “get it all out”, life does not work that way. If you are expecting to ‘fix’ everything with one meeting or one talk with your spouse, it is unlikely to occur. Wounds, including the emotional ones take time to heal. In taking time to heal, it also takes time for the feelings to emerge, and the issues to become clear.
If you plan on having a big showdown, especially in public, you need to change your plan. Showdowns in public places are a form of manipulation. When you are wanting forgiveness, you want the genuine article, not something coerced out of someone due to manipulaiton. The big showdown may provide an emotional release and provide an audience, but it does little to resolve the issues concerning the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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Your heart and your mind might be screaming these sentiments because of an affair that rocked your marriage recently. True enough, you have to let out your sentiments, your rage, and your anger, instead of letting them become bottled up and unexpressed. But after your bout of expression, stop for awhile and think about the situation. Forgiveness sounds crazy and illogical. Since forgiveness involves emotions, it does not always follow the same rules as logic and rational thinking.
There is a funny quip about forgiveness, saying “forgive your enemies but remember their names.” It might be a little funny but it also makes sense. This is especially true for infidelity. You need to forgive, yet not turn a blind eye to the fact that it happened. Ignoring what happened is NOT forgiveness. The affair occurred, there’s no mistaking it. You can’t change the past, and you can’t erase it from your memory. But you can be free from the clutches of bitterness and rage. Such negative emotions can only lead you on a downward spiral and depression. Forgiveness is about letting go of the desire for revenge, it is not about approving what was done.
Forgiving your spouse is a way to begin the healing of the relationship. Let go of revenge. Forgiveness does not erase everything. It does begin releasing emotions that are important for the healing process.
Once you begin forgiving them, then begin forgiving yourself. As you do, you’ll find out that the person who will benefit most from such forgiveness is yourself. Freeing yourself is one reason for forgiveness, another would be your love for your spouse. Although the affair happened, the love you harbor for each other are still there and with forgiveness, you can start anew.
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Going through an affair and surviving it is a lot like having your house blown by tornado. It is very difficult to rebuild, it is very difficult to know where to stay and how to pick up the pieces again. In this regard, you cannot go through it just by yourself.
There are people who have gone through an affair and try to rebuild their lives by getting a divorce; getting depressed or even becoming dependent on substance and other addictive activities. This is not the way to rebuild your life!
Rebuilding your life is done by rebuilding your trust with your spouse. You need to take the bricks of time and forgiveness and cement it with commitment and a willingness to work things out. When you affirm your commitment and your love with each other, nothing would be impossible. In cases where you feel depressed and lost, you can find comfort in love and hope.
Love is just like the building of a home. It might be blown away by different trials and difficulties in life but if you are willing to work it out and remember your love, you can rebuild what has been lost.
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Broken trust is very difficult to rebuild. It is not impossible, however. Whether in friendships or in marital partnerships, trust is very important. With every trustworthy act done by either party, the trust gets stronger everyday. In marriage, if one of the spouses enters into an extra-marital affair, the relationship would be broken and trust would be put to severe strain and in a lot of cases, it breaks beyond mending.
When such extra-marital affair occurs, the couples need to reassess their love for each other. Trust does not come back at the snap of a finger or after a talk of the couple over a cup of coffee. It takes time. Such time, however, is not the kind of passive waiting. Rather, the couples should also be willing to lay down their own claims and let go of some of their rights.
Rebuilding trust also requires healing. The heart has to find healing first if it were to be capable of loving and trusting again. After undergoing a very difficult situation, it would have to feel once again that it is whole and not only a part of what it once was. If you give it time and work on healing, forgiveness will come in time.
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A common event I witness in working with couples is that the adulterer confesses what they did and the resolute spouse immediately forgives them. The adulterer experiences a sensation of relief and actually believes that dealing with the affair incident is done.
Several weeks or months later, the adulterer feels that resolute spouse is nagging and obsessive about the affair, citing that they “won’t let it go.” They feel that the resolute spouse is “beating a dead horse”. They are both exasperated and wanting to put things behind them.
When such scenarios happen, I am reminded of LBJ’s tactics in dealing with people. Yes, I know that he was an adulterer as well. Through his experiences, he learned about people. One lesson he learned is to “let things sink in”. Before giving someone a gift or reward, he would often bring them into his office and chastise them. He said things to bring them down. After they were demoralized enough, he let it sink in a little more. It was only after he let things sink in that he gave them the gift. They were very appreciative and elated with the gift. He commented (paraphrase), you never want to give a man a gift when he is up, you first have to get him down. When you give a man a gift when he is down, he appreciates it more.
Couples going through affairs could learn from this. When the adulterer confesses, let the pain sink in. Let them wallow in the pain. In doing so, the remorse sets in. Only after they get in touch with the pain and the reality sinks in should the resolute spouse forgive them. I see people too willing to forgive too early. The early forgiveness does not allow the pain to sink in and complete the work it needs to do. Once forgiven, the infidel rights believes that their dealing with the affair is done. They have confessed their wrong and are now forgiven. The forgiveness, like the gifts of LBJ, needs to be timed to allow for maximum effectiveness.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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