The attorney Charles Adams has recently written two articles on polygamy (article 1, article 2) . The articles cover the history of polygamy and its current revival. The articles are informative and do not pull any punches. They provide the history and thinking behind this behavior. These are good articles for those wondering “How could they do that?” The articles also go into mistresses and concubines.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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At the grocery store, I commented to my wife about an article in the latest edition of Glamour magazine that addressed “Men’s New Sexual Needs“. I wondered how did people miss some of those needs? In thousands of years, how did they just now discover what those needs were? The incident led me to realize that some of the definitions of things are changing.
One change is the advent of “emotional infidelity”. With increasing frequency, people are discussing the topic of emotional infidelity. Besides discussing what it is, and how it occurs, it is now one of the hazards of the modern workplace. Seeig such articles reminds me of how this issue was discussed years ago in homes across America when couples discussed the husband’s secretary or the wife going to work. This is not a new topic, but rather an old topic discussed in a new way.
Another new term that has hit the main stream media this week is “Textual seduction”. This is a term coming out of the affair situation in Detroit with Kwame Kilpatrick. There is a stark contrast between how Spitzer and Kilpatrick are handling the allegations involved in each situation. There are not easy answers or elegant ways out of adultery. With both Spitzer and Kilpatrick, the long pattern of infidelity suggests that other addictive relationship issues will likely need to be addressed as well. The repeated use of prostitutes in Spitzer’s case and the admission and severity of cover-up in Kilpatrick’s case are common hallmarks of more serious issues.
The development of these new terms and concepts tells me that people are wrestling with a sensitive issue and trying to find answers. They are developing new terms as a way to come up with new ways of looking at the behaviors.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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In exploring some old books on marriage and family, I came across a passage published in 1897 by a man who served as a professor at the University of Texas. He addressed the issue of adultery, which was a problem then and remains so.
“Most modern laws, and many moralists, teach that the guilt of the adultress is much worse than that of the adulterer. They argue that her sin tends to corrupt the blood of the family. This unjust discrimination is refuted by the question, Has not the adulterer been taking an equal chance of corrupting the blood of the family of someone else? Moses punished male and female alike. This was right. The modern claim is but an attempt to have the male’s superior might make his right. Another fact usually makes the male’s guilt greater, that he is often the first suggester, tempter and seducer.”
The quote shows that although times have changed, human nature has not. In what some call the “good old days” there were people trying to persecute the woman adultress and let the male adulterer off the hook, which the author spoke out against. Some of those same people and their descendants are still running around. In the 19th century, people used different term, but the pain of affairs was a pressing problem even 111 years ago.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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Infidelity has a long history. One area where infidelity frequently occurred is within the royal families. The drama of wives, heads and concubines is one of the hallmarks associated with the reign of Henry VIII of England. Henry VIII was not the first and certainly was not the last of the infidel rulers. The lines of the kings of Scotland and England are filled with many more. Other European monarchies also had their share, with Catherine the Great of Russia being legendary for her affairs. Middle Eastern rulers were known for their harems and activities associated with them. The United States has also had its share of philandering rulers as well. The peccadilloes of LBJ, FDR, John F. Kennedy, and Bill Clinton are now part of American history.
At the time of the affairs, there were many secrets hiding their existence. Some were seen as major secrets. Attempts to hide them were aided by government police and special agents that hid what most adulterers have to do by themselves. At the time, since the episodes were hidden, many think that the damage was done and over with. I beg to differ. The examples set by such rulers suggests that affairs are a privilege of class. Their actions make it appear that once a person is in high office, that the affairs come with the other perks. The recent book, Wolf of Wall Street bears testimony to this practice. There is the assumption that it is money that creates the temptation of infidelity. I beg to differ. There were many leaders who did not succumb to affairs when they had money along with the licentious affairs of those without money or position. Money and power may be the excuse or even the aphrodisiac that lures them, but in reality it is a secondary temptation. Their real goal is the infidelity.
Many of these leaders did not realize they were setting an example for generations to follow. At the time, they only wanted to satisfy their lusts and went to extremes in order to accomplish it. Henry VIII changed the official religion of England in order to satisfy his desires. This is not far from how many infidels change their theology or even their religion in order to accommodate their lustful urges. It seems that they gravitate toward those with high emotionality or numerous rituals. Somehow they are able to run from the guilt when surrounded by the emotionality and ritual. Does your infidelity dictate your choice of religion? Although things should be the other way around, affairs have a way of changing one’s world around.
It is important to rise above the examples set by kings, presidents and caliphs who lived for fleshly lusts, and provide better examples for our spouses and children.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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Valentine’s Day is approaching. With it’s approach, many couples begin thinking of love and acknowledging the importance they place on each other. In healthy marriages, it is an enjoyable time of love, flowers and chocolate. The days leading up to Valentine’s is also a time when affairs and infidelity are exposed. Because of the emphasis placed on Valentine’s Day, lovers outside of marriage often want an enjoyable time as well, although it is not rightfully theirs to enjoy. This is the time to be alert for expenses, calls, unaccounted for time, and other indications that an affair is underway. Valentine’s Day is for lovers, both licit and illicit. It can be a high point in a relationship or one filled with the low point of despair.
Valentine’s Day also provides an opportunity to begin making things aright in relationships where things have gone wrong. Because of the expectations associated with the day, spouses will be more sensitive and responsive to attempts to reconcile and renew the relationship.
Valentine’s Day is coming, use it wisely.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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A common event I witness in working with couples is that the adulterer confesses what they did and the resolute spouse immediately forgives them. The adulterer experiences a sensation of relief and actually believes that dealing with the affair incident is done.
Several weeks or months later, the adulterer feels that resolute spouse is nagging and obsessive about the affair, citing that they “won’t let it go.” They feel that the resolute spouse is “beating a dead horse”. They are both exasperated and wanting to put things behind them.
When such scenarios happen, I am reminded of LBJ’s tactics in dealing with people. Yes, I know that he was an adulterer as well. Through his experiences, he learned about people. One lesson he learned is to “let things sink in”. Before giving someone a gift or reward, he would often bring them into his office and chastise them. He said things to bring them down. After they were demoralized enough, he let it sink in a little more. It was only after he let things sink in that he gave them the gift. They were very appreciative and elated with the gift. He commented (paraphrase), you never want to give a man a gift when he is up, you first have to get him down. When you give a man a gift when he is down, he appreciates it more.
Couples going through affairs could learn from this. When the adulterer confesses, let the pain sink in. Let them wallow in the pain. In doing so, the remorse sets in. Only after they get in touch with the pain and the reality sinks in should the resolute spouse forgive them. I see people too willing to forgive too early. The early forgiveness does not allow the pain to sink in and complete the work it needs to do. Once forgiven, the infidel rights believes that their dealing with the affair is done. They have confessed their wrong and are now forgiven. The forgiveness, like the gifts of LBJ, needs to be timed to allow for maximum effectiveness.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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This news story brings to light that Mississippi is one of the few states in the Union of States that allows a spouse to sue when someone steals them. The ‘alienation of affection’ claim makes affairs more painful in that state than in others. In the latest round, the paramour, Jerry Fitch is seeking limits on how much money he will have to pay the spurned husband, Johnny Valentine. The affair started when the wife began working for Jerry Fitch and the two eventually became involved with each other.
The court case, in this instance is being taken to the United States Supreme Court. It seems that Jerry Fitch is fighting having to pay the money out. Many people who have affairs try to limit the damages, with little success. This is one of the first affair cases I have seen taken to the Supreme Court.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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Most students of psychology will recognize the name of John B. Watson. He was a pioneer in the American study of psychology. His experiment with “Little Albert” is required reading in most introductory courses. What most people don’t know is that he was quite a womanizer. While a the University of Chicago, he met and married a student, Mary Ickes, whose brother was a confidant of the President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Despite marry a student, he continued womanizing. His affairs are part of what led to his dismissal from John Hopkins. He later divorced from his wife and married another one of the students with whom he was having an affair.
His views influenced childrearing in America through the forties and fifties. His books on how to raise children were seen as authoritative on the issue. He was the psychologist who boldly asserted that masturbation is not psychologically harmful in any way. It is ironic that he told a generation how to raise children, yet could not manage his own household and remain faithful to his wife. This is another case of “do as I say and not as I do” mentality.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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One rarely thinks about the founding fathers being philanderers. One of the founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin did address the topic of affairs. Here is the link to the website that has his advice regarding affairs. (The poster posted the article on 20 August 2007). From my read, he discourages affairs and openly admits that they are sin. After doing so, he tells those who are bound and determined to have an affair, what kind of women to seek. He recognizes the paradox of his comments and also notes the paradoxical nature of man, who often seeks what is not good for him.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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