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Although Christmas time is often associated with joy, in dysfunctional families, the holidays often bring out the worst in their dysfunctioning. When the dysfunction comes out, there are often arguments, fights, threats, suicidal thoughts, binge drug/alcohol abuse and other problem behaviors. When those who grew up in such circumstances are faced with the pain of expectations and bad holiday memories, they often find some way to escape the pain. One of the ways of escaping that pain is with affairs. Although they view the affair as a way of coping with events in their lives, when news of the affair gets out, there is often even more dysfunction as families struggle in their attempt at coming to grips with the pain and what is happening in front of them. Affairs are often painful for couples and the holidays amplify pain to intense levels.
People often poke fun of Dicken’s character Scrooge who responds to Christmas with “Bah-Humbug!”. What they don’t know is that for those growing up in dysfunctional families, Christmas brings with it unpleasant memories, pain and misery. For those people, responding with “Humbug!” is one of their ways of coping with and avoiding the pain. In the case of some adults, the modern way of expressing their humbug reaction is to have an affair as a way to escape the painful memories and desperation. In such cases, it is not about an attack on Christmas, but rather an attack on the pain from their past (or present). It is not a healthy way of coping by any means. When people are hurting and are desperate, they often try to find solace via relationships and sex. With the higher emotional aspects of the holidays, there is a higher risk of affairs being used to cope with the pain.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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Statements such as “I hate holidays!” is common in families that have been touched by affairs. Affairs have a way of turning holidays into times of conflict and pain. The old loyalties to family members are fragmented. The children find themselves having to accept people and situations they may not like. Since they love their parents, they find themselves torn between their feelings to each of them. Since families often find themselves together over the holidays, when there has been an affair, they are brought face to face with the pain and shame of the affair. It is akin to taking a dog and rubbing their nose in their own feces. Dogs don’t like it, nor do family members like it either. The dislike of the holidays will show up in the form of comments and resistance to attending the family events. Your children may not be misbehaving, they may be having normal reactions to misbehavior by the parents. Before taking your child to the therapist to ‘fix them’, you may need to consider how the affair contributes to things first. Hating holidays and family gatherings is an indication that something is going on, and that the something is painful.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Affairs and Children, children and affairs, Holidays and affairs, infidelity and holidays, the impact of affairs on family holidays, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
With the Christmas and holiday season upon us, there is also the increased danger of affairs. Although many people associate the holidays with family times, the holidays are also an important time for affairs. The holidays often bring high expectations and emotional upheavals. The expectations and upheavals are also a breeding ground for affairs. With all the money spent on gifts and time spent shopping, adulterers often use the chaos as an opportunity to sneak off and spend time with their paramour.
An affairs is not a pleasant gift to unwrap for Christmas. It has a way of giving more pain and hurt than it takes away. They totally change any associations that may have existed concerning the holidays. At the time an affair is underway, those involved do not view themselves as ‘grinches’ that steal joy and happiness, instead they see themselves as hurting and deserving of some joy in their lives. Between the expectations of their family and themselves, someone is going to get hurt. In most cases, everyone loses. Affairs often promise joy and the realization of a fantasy, but the reality is that they bring with them pain, loneliness, conflicts and lies.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Christmas and infidelity, holiday expectations and cheating, Holidays and affairs, Infidelity over the holidays, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
