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I am often asked “Is there any hope for us?”. When clients ask the question, they often seek a combination of reassurance and fortune telling. They have often spent years tearing down each other and now want an “outsider” to come along and make things better. I often wish it was that simple. The more pressing question is “Have you given up hope?” or “What are you looking for hope from me, when the persons you need to ask are you and your spouse?”
The giving up of hope is often a major turning point in relationships. That juncture is when decide if they want to fight for their relationship or just ‘let it die’. They want a magic answer that somehow give them the ability to carry on and work through things. Looking to people outside of the relationship for answers is part of what got them into the mess in the first place. Repeating the pattern is not changing the pattern. Instead of repeating the pattern, they need to make changes in how they do things and where they look for answers. Wanting a single person outside of their marriage to change and transform the relationship is the same thinking behind the affair. The person did indeed transform the relationship, although in a manner they were not seeking.
Couples often need the help of a counselor in helping them, although helping is very different than the counselor fixing the relationship. Seeking outside direction is often helpful. It is when they want the outside sources to ‘take away the pain’ and magically ‘fix’ the relationship that problems worsen. The haunting reality is that they will need to honestly address “Where does your hope lie?” When they find the source of that hope, and take action, then changes will occur.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
affairs, hope for relationships, marriage counseling after an affair, overcoming cheating, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
When a husband or wife leaves the home, it is never a good sign. Leaving the home is often a signal that there are serious problems and that the relationship as you knew it is over. When a husband leaves the home, there is often more hope for the relationship than when the wife leaves the home. In both cases, the amount of hope is small. The leaving from the home often occurs on an emotional level before it happens physically. The time to take action is when your spouse begins pulling away. There is more hope of making changes then as compared with when they have already left the home.
A factor to consider is the family history of this happening. If they come from a long line of such behavior the hopes of working through things is smaller. If they have a history of serial relationships, it is unlikely that they will come back. The time to take action is when they begin pulling away. After they have made the choice to leave, they are often less responsive to repairing the marriage. It does not automatically mean that everything is over. It does mean that you will need to do more than just going through the motions. You will need to make some major improvements. If the bonding is still intact, you can, with effort make some of the necessary changes. If the bonding has been ruptured, then hope is dim. When they tell you “Good-by my lover” and the bonds are broken, you have some major problems. Anytime there is an affair, the affair itself is looking to meet needs outside of the marriage. The affair is testimony to your spouse pulling away emotionally. You need to take action now, rather than assume that time alone will heal all the wounds.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
cheating, hope for relationships, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships, Understanding Affairs, when spouses leave the homeIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
