If you want to be notified the next time I write something, sign up for email alerts or subscribe to the RSS Feed. Thanks for reading.

Wendy Dager of the Ventura County Star Newspaper wrote an intriguing column on the prevalence of divorce.  Although this is not a divorce blog, it does deal with affairs, and there is a HIGH correlation between affairs and divorce. In the article Wendy raises concerns about what the divorce rate will be among the grandchildren. Similar questions need to be asked concerning affairs. Will your children or grandchildren have affairs? Will affairs be the norm in the future? These are unsettling questions that must be pondered. If you want to stop such patterns from recurring in your family, the time to take action is now. You can do things to turn your marriage around. Divorce does not have to become the norm. Affairs do not have to become the norm either.

Obtaining counseling or help for the dealing with the affair provides other options. You can survive and affair.  Consider purchasing Survive Your Partners Affair and helping children deal with affairs as part of your way of stopping the pattern. Affairs and divorce do not have to become part of your family legacy.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs, Affairs in the News, cheating relationships, counseling, divorce, divorce rate, grandhcildren, infidelilty, philandering, relationships, self help

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Wow! That was my reaction to this article in the student oriented press (Can Hillary Care Cure Infidelity?). The author John Lillpop poses the question of whether Hillary’s healthcare plans will include ways to deal with sexual addiction. Given that the Presidential candidate has had to struggle with a sexual addiction in her own home, it is a pertinent issue and one that impacts many American homes. Although the election season has addressed questions of infidelity, no one has addressed the pressing question of sexual addiction or its treatment. Many affairs have a sexual addiction at their core. If the addictions are not addressed, then one affair will lead to a series of affairs, and the problem will continue.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs, Affairs in the News, Hillary Clinton, infidelilty, John Lillpop, sexual addicition, Sexual addiction, Student Oriented Press

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Secrets are the life blood of affairs. The secrecy and dangers involved add to the excitement of doing something that is forbidden. Some people hide their secrets out of shame and fear, others keep them for the rush and sense of power and control associated with secrets. Whether driven by shame or the stimulation, the behavior of keeping secrets is part of what keeps people locked into an affair situation. Early psychoanalytic literature pointed out that most secrets involve sexual matters dealing with secretions of the body. When I first came across that statement, I thought it was odd, but the longer I work with couples, the more I appreciate its truth. Part of the secrecy involves a sense of shame concerning the body and what it produces. People often do not know how to handle it. When a third party comes along and allows a person to address their body and its products, there is a strange attraction that hooks them in. The more shame, fear or excitement associated with the secret, the more power it has over the person and those involved.

The bond of secrecy has to be broken if healing is to occur. Some of the news items I have recently posted attest to the power of this bond and the power unleashed when it is broken or threatened.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, adultery secrets, affairs, bodiy secretions, cheating, infidelilty, relationships, secrecy, secrets of affairs, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Although people often mention adultery, it is still surrounded with misconceptions. Hollywood and the porn movie world have made affairs look like something that is ‘ordinary’ and acceptable. They have presented it as an event that is part of everyday life. The reality is that it is filled with pain, fear, and rejection. It is not a recreational activity which people do for fun, such as the movies often portray. Affairs often involve revenge and a harshness of feelings. The movie “Fatal Attraction” was one of the few that did not glamorize affairs. If we are to understand and learn from affairs, there will need to be an honest dialog about what what occurred and the reasons for it. In England, BBC will be running a series called Mistresses which addresses how affairs effect the lives of people. I will be curious to see if the series actually does open up dialog on an issue that has needed open discussion for a long time. The mystique needs to be removed and people see it for what it is.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, affairs, Affairs in the News, cheating, Fatal Attraction, infidelilty, mistresses, relationships, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

I was just posting links to some of the other blogs addressing infidelity on the web. The topic is a timely one in that when people are hurting they want answers quickly. They are in pain and are often desperate for answers.

Fashion & Woman: Had a post about why bad guys cheat and good guys don’t.

Your Info Guide: Carried an article on “Is Your Mate Cheating?”

Haunted Poet: Carried a personal story about the difficulties with honesty after her husband’s affair.

The online dating information and help portal addressed the topic of why one needs to use an onlie dating service to identify if your spouse is cheating.

Lovesagame carried a post by Eddie Corbano, a relationship coach on the red flags that indicate a relationship is going downhill.

The site Talkaboutmarriage.com carries an ongoing forum addressing infidelity issues. Some of the latest posts deal with the struggles concerning lies. This forum is good in that it has posts from both men and women.

The site MarriagesRestored.com, which is the website for a ministry of Ben and Ann Wilson contains on-going articles addressing how they overcame an affair situation. The latest deals with the grief related to an affair.

Sometimes people need to hear from more than one person in addressing their issues. These posts will help those of you who are looking for answers and welcome another viewpoint on the infidelity issue.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah
infidelity

adultery, affairs, Ben and Ann Wilson, cheating, Eddie Corbano, Fashion&Woman, Haunted Poet, infidelilty, Resources, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

When the upheaval erupts after an affair is disclosed, there is often emotional distance between the spouses. During this time, pain becomes a powerful motivator, forcing the spouses to honestly consider what is going on and what they need to do about it. This is also a dangerous time, in that those people who offer to help or who are sought out for help many times do more to impede progress than help it. How does this happen? It happens when the helpers intervene and help those hurting out of pain before they have dealt with what needs to be dealt with . Pain is often a sensation we experience to protect us from some greater danger. Like the other skin sensations, it warns us of an impending danger, whether that is an external danger or internal one. Likewise emotional pain also warns us of things.

The hurt spouses often seek people out to talk with. The spouses need to be honest with themselves during this time. In seeking someone to talk to, are you wanting them to listen, or to validate what your side of the story is. There is a big difference between validation and hearing someone out. This kind of situations often lead to larger problems if they are not handled well.

To sum up what I am saying, pain is a warning sign. Learn to listen to it and identify what it is telling you. When in pain, be careful when talking about your marital problems with others. Be honest with them concerning whether you want someone to listen to you or validate you. Learning how to handle pain and work through it is going to be key in overcoming the affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, affairs, cheating, dealing with pain, infidelilty, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

There have been many discussions about what does or does not constitute adultery. In the traditional definition used by old time scholars, “adultery” is when actual intercourse occurs. With such a definition of adultery, there is a lot of gray areas. This is where the term infidelity comes in. Infidelity can be defined as being disloyal to one’s spouse. With this definition, when the person begins fantasizing about their paramour instead of their spouse, they become an infidel.  A preacher once commented that “adultery happens in the head before it happens in the bed”.  I find this  to be  a valid observation, in most cases, the infidelity begins with the fantasies. In my own mind, I believe the pulling away of affection  from the spouse is where it begins. Once the pulling away begins, the affections will find something or someone to focus on. This is where the fantasizing starts. The fantasizing phase can vary in length of time. Some spouses stay at this phase for years. In many ways, there is a mental role playing that goes on as they work up confidence. It is only a short distance from fantasizing to acting out. Once a paramour is selected, the “grooming” process begins. The grooming can be within the fantasies or in actuality. Jokes are made, looks exchanged and touching begins with the intent of testing boundaries. Once the boundaries are where the infidel feels comfortable with, they make their move. Since it has been mentally rehearsed many times, they begin a series of behaviors where the contact is intended to take them to erotic relations. There are times that the relationship stays at this level, but most often it continues on, until consummated. Although some would say that at that point, there is adultery, I believe the process starts long before that. Not only does the process start, the damage has also been inflicted by that time as well.

In a marriage, there can be many of the effects of an affair long before a physical relationship has occurred. When the process starts, the spouses often sense that something is not right, even though they can’t always identify what is missing. This will provide you with some understanding of the process. Keep in mind that when an infidel in in the process of setting up or experiencing an affair, they may shift their definition of adultery, so they can deny any accusations.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, affairs, cheating, infidelilty, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!