I find it an oddity that many people use affairs as a pretext for divorce. Somehow when a spouse has an affair, it makes divorce an acceptable option. It is as if the equation infidelity/cheating=D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Even when the divorce option is used to remedy the situation, the relationship and personality dynamics that set the stage for an affair are still in place. Those dynamics still need attention. The divorce only legally ends the marriage, it does not solve the problem, whether it was one of difficulty with commitment, sexual issues, intimacy issues or knowing how to be in a relationship. Such issues will still need to be addressed.

The oddity of using an affair is pretext for a divorce is even excused citing Biblical references to excuse the divorce. These excuses often blind the people from addressing the issues that led to the cheating in the first place. Such issues need to be addressed if the person wants to improve their lives and their relationships. What I have seen in many of these cases is that the decision is made concerning a desire and willingness to divorce long before the affair. The cheating in such scenarios is only when the trap is sprung, and their plan for divorce can be” put into action”. Yes, such thinking sounds sinister, which it is. In such cases, the cheating is part of a desire for divorce, although it is never acknowledged. In other words, the cheating and reaction to the cheating acts like a sub-concious desire for divorce.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Disasters and crises present some special stresses for marriage relationships. During such times, there are additional strains on the relationships. When the the couple is getting along with each other such crises can bring them closer together. When crises, like the recent hurricane Ike disaster occur, the added stress can cause couples to distance themselves from each other. Crises also expose relationships concerning who and what are truly important to them. Who is it that they call during the crisis? When you are facing a crisis, who do you want to call? The person or persons you want to call reveals much about your relationships.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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A commonly asked question that challenges many with its answer is “Can a person be driven to an affair?” In emotionally unhealthy marriages, spouses often find themselves feeling desperate in finding ways to meet their needs. The needs are legitimate. There is nothing wrong with the needs. What becomes problematic is when they see the affair as a way to meet those needs. When spouses can not talk through their issues or do not have the freedom to bring up their issues with their partner, the likelihood of an affair is greater.

This means you need to be approachable. You will need to listen to your spouse. In listening to them, you will need to hear them out, rather than react.  By hearing them out, you are demonstrating your willingness to be open. Spouses often know that “talk is cheap”, and that their partners often promises, but does not deliver. In an effort to be a spouse that delivers on their word, listen to your partner’s concerns. Let them talk WITHOUT correcting them or talking down to them, at least until they have finished telling your their concerns. I have seen many spouses focused more on correcting their partners than listening to them and the results are disasterous.

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In the aftermath of an affair, behaviors are often at the forefront of the arguments/discussions. The reason behaviors are at the front is their visibility. They make easy targets since they are observable. Behaviors can be either denied or admitted to. What is often not discussed is attitudes. It is as if the attitudes are hidden behind the behaviors. Attitudes color the daily interactions of spouses, yet are rarely the focus of attention after an affair. Although we know what it is like to be on the receiving end of an attitude, bringing those attitudes to the attention of one’s spouse is often a challenging matter.

It is important to deal with the attitudes AND the behaviors, rather than just what is easily observable. With attitudes, each spouse will need to assume responsibility for what they have felt, thought and done. It is only when they assume that responsibility that the “look what you made me do” or “you made me feel this way” is going to stop.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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A question that is often very difficult to handle is “Is it my fault that my spouse had an affair?” Such questions often keep the emotional tension at a high point. There are feelings of guilt, shame, anger and often rage associated with this question. Many times there are mixed answers to the question. There are the the answers you tell yourself, and then there are the gut-level answers that often gnaw at you. Just by asking the question, you are looking for someone or something to blame for what happened. There is a massive search for the donkey to pin the tail on. Since most people have difficulty accepting blame and responsibility, this is a question that seeks to appease the conscience and attach or remove blame. It is a question that few want to look at honestly, yet all need to if they want to repair their relationship.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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In reading through articles concerning affairs, a complaint made by adulterers is the lack of resources available to them. I exclaimed to myself “Are they not looking?!” It surprised me that the concern was raised. After thinking about it, I realized that this is the kind of thinking that got them in this place anyways. They want a quick fix to the marriage that involves a minimal amount of effort. That is not going to happen. I know of several books that deal with that topic. Gary Smalley and Willard Harley have written some just to name a couple. You will need to repair the marriage, not just patch up the damage from the affair.

If they can not find one specifically for them, they can use one of the books to help the resolute spouse and do some reverse engineering if nothing else. They need to understand how it effects their spouse as well as themselves. The material is out there in terms of how to repair their marriage. They may have to look for it and find what works for them, but even the search is part of the healing process. “How badly to you want to heal your marriage?” is a question they need to consider.

The same article was expressing concern about how the therapists want them to admit the affair to their spouse. This information was expressed as a concern. I would be concerned if the therapist did not want to make them get honest about the affair.  Hiding secrets often gets us into worse problems than would occur if they were dealt with.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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In the aftermath of an affair, people do not think clearly. The difficulty thinking makes it especially challenging to identify key decision points.  One of those is “When should I leave?” If your physical safety is in danger, you need to leave. Although that seems simple, when a person has been traumatized, they do not think clearly on such topics. In their mind, bruises can heal and the choking does not get that bad, etc. Since emotions are so volatile in the aftermath of an affair, if there is any history of physical abuse toward you or from you, then questions about safety and leaving need to be asked.

If there has been physical abuse toward the children, you need to leave. This presents a significant safety issue. If such is occurring, you need to remove yourself and children from the situation immediately.  Abuse toward the pets or animals is also a glaring warning light that the situation is dangerous.

Safety is a prime concern. No emotional issues can be worked through if there is not an atmosphere of physical safety. Emotional and spiritual safety are also concerns, although they are worked through in different manners.

It is my hope that this helps you during this challenging time in your life.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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One of the things I remember about the old television show, Mission:Impossible was how the message would self-destruct. I was reminded of this in dealing with some affair situations. Many times, after finding out about affairs, spouses will self-destruct on mental and emotional levels. This is often accomplished with the mantra “Why did he/she….?” They torment themselves trying to find the motivations and thinking of their adulterous spouse. Although on one level it appears rational to ask questions that explain what happened, in this case, such questions are ’self-destructive’. Since the adulterous spouse was often not thinking, but merely reacting, to spend hours trying to comprehend what they were thinking is an exercise in futility. Besides being mentally futile, it ties up your energies focusing on the past rather than facing the present or resolving the issues you are facing.

Persistently asking “why” questions also keeps the emotional issues stirred up. The stirring up of such emotions will keep the resolute spouse in a persistent state of agitation. Since the mind will find an answer or explanation to the questions it is asked, the why questions often become self-destructive due to the fact that they generate answers that often lay the blame on the person asking the question since they can’t find answers elsewhere.

Since adulterers often live a life of double standards and secrets, trying to comprehend and understand it in a consistent, coherent manner is not possible. The “why” questions posed turn into the tool of the spouses self-destruction. By obsessing onsuch questions, the resolute spouse turns themselves into a ‘basket case’, thus transforming the adulterer into a martyr who is justified in doing what they did, due to the fact that they live with a basket case spouse.

If you are wanting to overcome an affair, it is essential to your survival to avoid the why questions that bring with them self-destruction.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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The Emotions of Your Spouse while Rebuilding Your Marriage

After the discovery of the affair, you and your spouse are still reeling from the effects of that traumatic experience. As such, it would be necessary to start talking about your situation and trying to minimize the damage to your marriage.

It’s not impossible to rebuild your marriage as long as both of you are committed to each other. After the initial hiccup of reconciliation though, you will need to look at the emotional needs of your spouse and meet those needs. In doing so, you’re in effect saying that you love your spouse and that he or she deserves the best treatment from you.

These emotional needs may vary. But the most general ones are the need to feel loved. In the simplest ways, you should show your love and support to your spouse. This is also an effective means of preventing another affair to happen. When you are satisfied with each other, it means that the possibility of affair is remote.

Knowing each other for many years does not necessarily mean that you’ve got each other figured out. Marriage is a continuous process of discovery and knowing. As such, you also need to discover ways to introduce surprise into your relationship. Such surprises can help keep the magic in your relationship.

If you have not truly paid attention to the emotions of your spouse before the affair, you should now. Being sensitive to emotions will be a great help in rebuilding a marriage. So if you are looking forward to rebuilding your marriage, you have to train your eyes, your ears and your sense to detect minute changes in your spouse’s emotions so that you would know how to deal with such emotional needs.

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Although it is the 21st century the morals of some people are primitive. As strange as it sounds, there are some adults who still “don’t get it”. These are the ones who have a tribal/communal moral code. They see nothing wrong with flaunting their love in front of your children, they see nothing wrong with affairs, they see nothing wrong with serial relationships. They are not stupid, they are just primitive.  Although we may ask “How can they think what they are doing is OK?”. There are some people who really do not see anything wrong with such actions. Trying to explain things to them or bring them to some moral awakening is futile.

Being married to someone with such primitive morals is challenging to say the least. Even when you take them to divorce court, it will not “turn on the light” so that they will see the “error of their ways”. They really don’t get it. Trying to wake them up or enlighten them is only going to frustrate you. Such people may have been fun to date, but that animalistic “let’s get it on” mentality does not provide a solid foundation for marriage and family. It also sets the stage for likely infidelities.

Recognize that not everyone has the same moral compass that you do. Not everyone views affairs as wrong. Recognizing this is the first step in dealing with such behavior.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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