If you want to be notified the next time I write something, sign up for email alerts or subscribe to the RSS Feed. Thanks for reading.
Adultery (aka infidelity) is destructive to the spirit of the marriage relationship. Besides being destructive to the spirit of oneness in that relationship, it allows someone to come between you and your spouse. Adultery often involves secrets and lies. Adultery involves breaking promises and vows. In most cases, adultery involves deception and fraud as well. In some cases the person deceived is the spouse and in other cases, it is the lover.
Marriage as an institution precedes the legal systems man has developed. The importance of the marriage relationship existed prior to the Egyptian empire, Babylonia, the Mosaic Law, the Koran or the Bible. Although man has attempted making modifications to the institution, it has managed to survive despite those modifications. Adultery violates this institution. It goes against the legal systems developed by every major civilization that contributed to the advancement of humanity. Given its ancient roots, marriage has a profound place of importance. Adultery lessens the status of marriage. Adultery lessens the humanity of people, turning them into instinct driven animals.
The inter-changeability of adultery and infidelity as terms for this practice provides some indication of its roots. In cases of infidelity, they have left their spouse for another person, much like they have left one god for another one. They do not have an exclusive, intimate relationship with the person they made a vow to. By violating their vow, they degrade themselves and their spouse.
Although critics of monogamy want to blame God, the Mosaic law, or the Bible for their anger, the source of their discomfort precedes those systems. Adultery is a wrong that forces those practicing it to move away from civilization and toward barbarism. It takes humanity backwards.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
Bible and adultery, History of Affairs, infidelity, institution of marriage, Koran and adultery, Torah and adulteryIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Affairs come in many shapes and sizes. Since they do come in many forms, it is often difficult to make blanket statements that apply to all affairs. Although many times, the picture is that some seducer or seductress lured one’s spouse away is a romantic notion, it is not always the case. In some cases, the innocent party in the affair may actually be the lover. Although spouses always want to assume that their husband or wife is ‘innocent’, the reality may be that they were the seducer. Their spouse could have lied about their marital status and led an innocent party astray.
The leading astray of an innocent third party is not a pleasant picture to consider, yet it does happen. The picture becomes tragic when the lover also has children. When they are a parent and led astray, that choice of the relationship touches many more lives than imagined.
I mention the ‘innocent lover’ as something to consider when sorting through an affair. The claims that the lover makes that they are innocent and that they are the injured party may be correct. If your spouse has a history of lying, deceit or of leading a double life, it may very well be that that pattern occurred again. The problem may not be people seducing your spouse, it could be that your spouse is seducing others. Knowing what the source of the problem is becomes crucial when deciding what to do about the situation.
For more information on how to deal with an affair and its aftermath are found in my e-book on the subject.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
affair dynamics, cheaters, infidelity, lovers, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
An aspect of affairs that often leads to hair pulling arguments is “What is the definition of an affair?” The hairsplitting, and nit-picking detail finding that happens in many homes on this question would put a lawyer to shame. Questions arise as to whether to use the legal definition, the dictionary definition, or the Bible definition of an affair. The discussion also focuses on whether to call it adultery, cheating, an affair, an indiscretion, a mistake, a one-night stand, infidelity, or some other term. The argument often includes descriptions of whether an affair is the ‘act’ or the intent. There are also the arguments of whether it was an affair of the body or an affair of the heart.
Although some of the questions and points raised during these discussions are valid, many more are means of avoidance, doing mental gymnastics or trying to pin the SOB/Bitch down on their behavior (even good people often digress to name calling during such intense discussions).
When these discussions arise during my counseling, I often reframe the argument to ‘trust’ and whether or not their was a violation of trust. Whether or not they intended to breach that trust is of little consequence, although they often want a ‘gold star’ because their intentions were not malicious. When there is a ‘breach of trust’ for whatever reason, the couple needs to deal with that breach. Whether the breach consisted of secrets, virtual interactions, or something else, there was a breach that needs to be addressed. The boundaries of the relationship were encroached upon. In some cases, there may not have been an encroachment, but rather a jealous accusation, which itself is a type of encroachment and needs to be addressed.
By focusing on the ‘trust’ issue, and addressing the impact on the relationship the whole sticky definition of an affair becomes a moot point. This is also helpful during the rebuilding of the relationship. Rather than get caught up with definitions, focus on the emotional and relational effects of what occurred.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
cheating, definitions of an affair, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationship, trust, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
A recent article on a new book out by a French psychologist underscores the importance of evaluating information on affairs in context. The psychologist, Maryse Vaillant claims that affairs can improve one’s marriage. Bear in mind that 1) she is promoting her new book. Promoting a book means doing and saying things that will deliver salves. 2) She is a leading French psychologist. Her book is appropriate for France and French values, not the values and cultures of other people. The values and ideas of each culture are not interchangeable. Not every culture accepts infidelity. Look at the recent Tiger Woods episode and how sponsors are dropping him like flies. They know that although sex may sell, infidelity does not. Even in Canada, the Toronto Transit Commission rejected an ad promoting infidelity on its trains.
The lack of consistency is even apparent with celebrities. While Angelina Jolie has expressed acceptance of infidelity, Sienna Miller has taken steps to prevent her spouse from taking unapproved liberties. So even in Hollywood, there are mixed messages.
Contrast this with American author Mark Verge who also recently released a book on reducing infidelity. He provides ways for men to maintain fidelity in their relationships.
Bottom line, the agencies, persons and researches claiming that affairs are ‘healthy’ need to be taken in context. Like global warming ‘experts’, the information needs to be taken in context and examined for its validity. There are some people and cultures who accept adultery. If you are not among them, then remember to take all the stories you hear with a grain of salt, remembering where they came from and what they are up to.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
Affairs in the News, angelina jolie, books on affairs, culture and affairs, infidelity, Marise Valliant, Mark Verge, Resources, sienna millerIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
One of the easiest things to do in the aftermath of an affair is blaming. When news of the affair comes out, there is a sensation of being stunned (or exposed). In response to this experience, the stunned (or exposed) party often reacts with anger and quickly seeks someone or something to blame for what occurred. The stunned (or exposed) sensation carries with it a sense of helplessness and vulnerability. While in that state, one often seeks ways to flex one’s power. Even though you can’t control what is going on, by blaming and getting angry you have a way of letting out some of those emotions welling up inside. The emotional explosion does not improve the relationship, it does not bring healing, although it does bring some sensation of relief.
The blaming often takes the form of attributing the cause of the affair or exposing of the affair onto someone or something other than oneself. It seems that all responsibility is delegated to things outside of oneself. “You made me…”, “You are a …..”, “YOUR nothing but a ….” are often heard. They release tension, but do very little to change the patterns or the relationship itself. Blaming is destructive to relationships, whereas understanding is healing. Trying to understand your spouse does NOT mean that you agree with them, it only means that you are attempting to grasp what has occurred and their reaction to it.
Stopping the blaming is not easy to do. Like a bad habit, it often comes ‘naturally’. Try using more understanding and less blaming the next time there is a discussion about the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
cheating, finding out about the affair, infidelity, reactions to the affairIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
When in the midst of an affair, those involved often excuse their behavior. They use any report, claim, suggestion or advice they find to support their actions. During this time, they play up their happiness, even going so far as to say they have a right to be happy. If they were honest, it would be they are determined to have sex with whomever they please. They often idealize the relationship, and at the same time demonize their present marriage. Somehow they believe if they make their present marriage look bad, it will somehow make the affair acceptable.
If you ask them, they will tell you that yes, an affair is a good thing. If you ask the spouse or the children, they will often tell you otherwise. Affairs have long tails. The impact of the decision to have an affair often stretches across years, decades and generations. The mention of an affair besmirches the reputation. The rejection and betrayal involved often shape how that generation is viewed and evaluated. In the future, they will not say, He/She deserved some happiness, or that they made the right decision. No, their reputation will be stained. Those involved with affairs rarely consider the future and the long term impact of their choices. The only choice that often matters to them are “Who they are with tonight?”.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
cheating, excusing affairs, good affairs, infidelity, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
When a young child turns to their parent and with tear filled eyes asks “Why did mommy leave us?” it leaves parents stunned. Although affairs hurt the spouses, the damage it inflicts on families and children often last longer than many parents can imagine. Being abandoned by a parent leaves scars. It hurts even worse in that the child trusts the parent. They often depend on that parent for protection, love, encouragement and nurturing. One of the people they fully trust now shows that they are not trust-worthy. The parent betrays the trust of the child, along with the trust of the spouse. Although the child may forgive the parent, the pain of betrayal often lingers, making it difficult to trust others in the future. The child may also build a wall around their heart surrounded by barbed wire in order to keep out those who could hurt them.
Betrayal by family members often hurts deeper and lasts longer than other betrayals. It hurts worse in that these are people who know you. These are people you depend upon. These are the people you look to for direction. Instead of providing direction, they provide disappointment and betrayal. Rather than just stumbling through such crises, consider “The Affair Recovery System” or other resources to help the family through the situation rather than counting on the hurt bandaging the wounds and tending the scars of the other wounded.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
Best Regards
cheating and family betrayal, family betrayal of affairs, infidelity, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
As a teen, coming to grips with my parents infidelity was often difficult. It was a topic that I often did not want to discuss, since infidelity was ‘dirty’. My parent was talking about ‘wanting to be happy’ and ‘finding a new life’. While they were talking about a ‘new’ life, they were stealing mine. The wackiness of talking about ‘happiness’ and ‘freedom’ while I struggled with shame and the pain of my parents choices was something that few people understood. Who could understand the crazy-making situation while they were still a teen. I could not talk to my siblings, since they were younger and I did not want to burden them. I could not talk to friends whose families were intact, they did not understand the wackiness of the situation and the strange rules the situation had to go with it.
At the time, I did not understand the rules and how things were happening. I knew that I was hurting and few people had the time or understanding to comprehend what I was trying to make sense out of.
After many years, I now understand those situations. Each person is living in their own emotional existence. With each person living in their own emotional world, the rules that apply to one person, do not apply to all of them. Although a parent can make choices based on happiness’ alone, the children are not allowed to. Being ‘reasonable’ means that you need to surrender your position and accept theirs. Although the dictionary defines it as something else, in families struggling through affairs, all the rules and definitions of words change.
I share this to help parents know what their teens are going through and to provide some possible talking points for engaging them.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
cheating and wackiness, infidelity, talking to your teen about an affair, the rules of families and affairs, wackiness of affairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
The other day, I came across a website that suggested monogamy amounts to nothing more than a religious belief. I have heard many extreme ideas promoted to justify having affairs, and this amounted to the latest. Although religious beliefs provide support for the practice of monogamy, it is more than that.
The practice of monogamy is not limited to one particular country. It is the norm in many nations. The nations where monogamy is practiced, have more social stability than those nations that do not. Monogamy is foundational to social stability. Even more important is the idea of family stability. Although the phenomena of serial families is occurring with greater frequency, the structure of such families not one of stability. The social milieu of such is chaotic at best. The structure allows the adults great freedom, but is brutal on the children. Describing such a milieu as ’self-serving’ is a label that fits.
Monogamy is also the preferred arrangement for bonding. When you want a stable relationship with one person, it is better for the mental health of both husband and wife when they are in an exclusive relationship. That boding allows for the development of emotional security and intellectual stability. As anyone in the dating scene knows, not having stability in relationships is often anxiety provoking.
Monogamy is also better for one’s physical health. Persons with greater sexual promiscuity are exposed to a wider range of diseases and health issues than those in monogamous relationships. The greater the number of partners, the greater the risk of diseases. With all the news items on having improved health, this is one thing that can be done to have better health.
Viewing the practice of fidelity in relationships as a mere religious practice is a falsehood. Remaining loyal to your spouse is better for the family, society, your emotional health, your physical health, and your mind. Despite the many benefits of fidelity, some individuals remain determined to practice infidelity, with all the associated dangers it carries with it.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
bonding, cheating, fidelity as religion, infidelity, marriage, marriage and family, marriage and society, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
One of the problems with the 70’s was that there were people who took the “If it feels good, do it” mentality and applied it to their marriages. Although the 70’s are long gone, there are still many people who adhere to the “If it feels good, do it!” mentality. The danger with this kind of thinking is that emotions begin to dictate reality rather than morals or laws. Those afflicted with the “If it feels good, do it” mindset allow their emotions and particularly the satisfaction of those feelings as more important than the other dimensions of their lives. To others, such persons are viewed as selfish. The selfish label fits in that their personal sensations are more important than any one else’s reactions or responses. Instead of right vs. wrong, in their thinking, the new choices become “does it feel good? v does it feel bad?” or “Is it fulfilling? versus Does it leave me feeling empty?”
Although the modern age often wants to cast aside morals in favor of sexual freedoms, there are reasons why certain acts and situations have been in disfavor for the centuries of man’s existence. Humans learned some lessons over the generations. Even though a modern generation may think itself smarter or more brillant than those of previous ages, casting aside morality in favor of self-gratification has disasterous effects on those around them and in suceeding generations.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
70s, affairs, cheating, hedonism, infidelity, overcoming cheating, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
