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Excuses are excuses no matter how they are packaged. It is amazing how those bent on adultery find creative and innovative excuses for their actions. The damage done in ‘the name of love’ is extensive. The excuse “but we love each other” is often used to excuse and condone destructive behaviors. Spouses have left their marriages along with their children citing that “we love each other”. In such cases, I often wonder if they are confusing love with arousal. They may find their new lover fun, exciting and stimulating, but that is not love.

On the flip side, those spouses who have been abandoned in the name of love often lash out at the new lover/play toy with hatred and contempt. Often times, the hatred spills over from a hatred of what was done to a hatred of the people themselves. Although there is good reason to be upset, lashing out at the lover does not address the issue of what was missing in their marriage. If the spouse is ‘looking for love’, it is a good indication that something was missing in their own marriage. Understanding what the spouse was looking for and finding a better way of meeting that need would be a better response that immediately lashing out.  When the spouse realizes that the flip side of “but we love each other” is actually saying “I don’t feel loved at home” or “I don’t feel valued and important to my spouse”. Learning how to listen to what is said along with what is not said is often crucial in turning the marriage around.

For more insights on turning relationships around, investigate the “Affair Recovery System” and find out what you can do.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

dealing with cheaters, making excuses for affairs, making excuses for cheating, Uncategorized

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When adulterers are caught, they often deliver a long series of excuses for what was done. The long series of excuses often reflect what they were telling themselves. It is common to hear, “It was only…(fill in the blank)”. They may be justifying that it was only a kiss, only one night only a friend or other only excuses. Although the resolute spouse often sees through these excuses, the adulterer does not always see through them. Many times they have actually began believing their own excuses. Overcoming these lies they tell themselves is often a daunting and frustrating task. The adulterer is trying to excuse the action by citing how what occurred was a small offense or it was a unique event. They are oblivious to the fact that that ‘event’ represents a betrayal of trust. It was a lie, it was an indication that their loyalties lie elsewhere. It was a betrayal. They often do not recognize the betrayal when they are initially confronted with it.

Recognize that when the phrase, “It was only…” is spoken, what follows is an excuse. When you recognize that, you will be able to spot and confront the game playing that often occurs in the aftermath of an affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating, comon excuses for cheating, excusing cheating, making excuses for affairs, making excuses for infideliy, Understanding Affairs

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One of the blow-off lines often used by family members to silence discussions about affairs and their impact is the question, “Isn’t it time to put that behind you?” By using this technique the adulterers avoid serious discussion of the issues related to the affair. I have seen this technique used for years to put off dealing with the affair and its related issues.  Although there is some face validity to the question, it ignores the point that there is no statute of limitations on hurt and pain. If affairs were “acceptable” and not wrong, then why do they inflict so much pain over so many generations.

Although nations like England are telling parents to avoid giving morality lessons in an effort to avoid such issues, all this will do is prolong the pain. When the issues are not dealt with, they are not resolved. Some of the issues that need attention are the lies, betrayal, trust, loyalty, abuse of power, guilt and shame. Adulterers may use many types of mental sumersaults to rationalize and excuse the affair, like “I deserve happiness”, “It is between adults”, “No one was hurt”, and other lines. They put off dealing with the pain, but do nothing to bring healing to the hurts. Although the English ministers claim that they do not know what is right and what is wrong, answers can be found. It does not take an advanced degree to know that lies, betrayal, deceit, disloyalty and cheating are wrong. Such approaches are a close cousin to the strategies used by infidels in putting off discussions of the affair for years hoping that it will all ‘just go away’. It does not just go away, for the resolute spouse, for the children, for the parents, for anyone. Instead of being time to put it behind, it may be time to finally get honest and discuss the issues with their associated hurts and find ways to live with the choices made and heal the pain.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs and Children, avoiding morality in dealing with affairs, avoiding morality in dealing with cheating, how to deal with delays in discussing affairs, making excuses for affairs, rationalizing affairs, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

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I hear many excuses for affairs. The human mind astounds me with how it can come up with some mighty outlandish ways of making what is wrong sound right. The excuse “God would not want me to be miserable!” is one that is especially irritating. Sometimes the variation of “God wants me to be happy is also used.” With this excuse, the user is combining theology with rationalization. They are in effect trying to using God’s nature to condone their behavior. This is a total avoidance of responsibility. If they only knew that the term miserable goes back to its root word miser. Misers often hold onto money and possessions to the point they become emotionally distraught, hence the term miser-able or miserable. Even in using the excuse they are making an admission that they are trying to hold onto something that is not in their best interest. Not only are they holding onto it, they are attempting to say that God allowed them to do so and he approves of their action. They portray a picture of God as one whose primary goal is their happiness, which often occurs at the expense of others happiness.

Such excuses are not good for the adulterer, their paramour or their families.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs, cheating, infidelity, making excuses for affairs, Understanding Affairs

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Many people do not understand forgiveness and what it involves. One of the areas of confusion concerns ‘making excuses’. In the aftermath of an affair, some resolute spouses search diligently through articles and research looking for answers. Although most are well meaning, the motivation is frequently one of looking for possible excuses. If you ask them, they are searching for reasons “to explain” what happened. Unfortunately, the reality for most is that they are looking for reasons to excuse what happened or find an explanation to blame it on.  The search  keeps them occupied, yet distracts them from looking at what they need to change or improve right now.

Looking at what is happening in the ‘here and now’ is difficult, although that is all they can actually change. The past has already happened. You can only change what your are doing in the present. Try forgiving rather than looking for excuses or something or someone to blame it on.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affair, cheating, forgiveness and affairs, infidelity, making excuses for affairs, marriage, relationships, Understanding Affairs

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