A popular credit card company uses the catch phrase question, “What is in your wallet?”. The campaign using the phrase has been catchy to say the least. When an affair occurs, and lawyers are involved, the question arises “What is in your…best interest?” While the lawyers are busy angling for your wallet, they will cite that what they are doing is ‘in your best interest’. They are looking at your legal rights instead of your emotional best interest. There will be many people offering to assist, all in the name of your ‘best interest’. What you need to consider is what angle are they considering your best interest from? Grandparents look at it in terms of access to the grandkids, lawyers look at legal rights, counselors look at emotional status, financial planners look at the bottom line. All these things are important, but you need to consider what is in the best interest of YOUR MARRIAGE. What will bring healing?
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrha
affair, cheating, infidelity, marriage, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships, saving your marriageIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
One area of great debate concerns the topic of cybersex. This is a concern with many spouses, since they desire physical and emotional fidelity from their partners. Below is a list of some of the signs associated with cybersex behavior.
1. Using suggestive screen names
2. Being secretive about their computer activity.
3. Having secret e-mail or social network accounts.
4. The time spent on the computer takes away from other activities.
5. They tell lies to cover or hide their activities.
6. The amount of time spent on the computer is increasing.
7. They are unable to stop.
8. They follow a pattern of getting caught, make promises and then repeat the behavior again.
Cybersex is not a Men Only problem. Some studies have suggested that 70% of men visit pornographic sites once a month, while 28% of the women visit such sites as well. These statistics are scanty and the real numbers may be even higher.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, cyber cheating, cybersex, infidelity, internet sexual addiction, marriage, Sexual addictionIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
When you are working through the damage of an affair, one of the issues that eventually needs to be dealt with is that of dealing with personal needs and wants. Although to some people this may seem like a simple topic, in the aftermath of an affair, it is not so easy. Since the emotions are so raw, there are often feelings of guilt and confusion concerning what those needs are and how to meet them. Since many people do not actually work through their needs, this is an area that is often neglected or misapplied.
When unmet needs arise, there is often a confusion over what those needs are and this matter is further complicated by using sex to address every need. Sex is important, but it is inadequate in meeting every need. Before using sex as a “fix it all”, you and your spouse will need to first, identify what your needs are versus what your wants are. Once you have separated those out, you can begin coming up with a game plan on how to meet those needs. It is work, yet it is worth it.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrha
affairs, infidelity, marriage, Rebuilding the relationship, relationship, repairing adultery, repairing the marriageIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
One hallmark of healthy relationships and families is a sense of loyalty. Loyalty is fine when it is voluntarily given, yet becomes unhealthy or dysfunctional when it is forced. When loyalty must be obtained by coercion, something is wrong in the family. On the surface, the coerced loyalty looks like something that is ‘good’. Although it has the appearance of a good trait, the dynamics of such forced loyalty is that it often leads to people distrusting their inner voice of intuition. When your inner voice tells you that “something is wrong with this picture”, you need to speak out even if your spouse may view your questions as being disloyal. Even though something may not be going on, for you to have such doubts suggests that something may be wrong with the spirit of oneness within the marriage itself.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs and disloyalty, infidelity and distrust, learning to identify affairs before they happen, learning to trust, marriage, Rebuilding the relationship, relationshipsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
After affairs are out in the open, many issues are finally brought out into the open. One ploy used by adulterers is to plant seeds of doubt. While they are in denial, they often block things out either intentionally or unintentionally. The impact of their denial is that it often plants seeds of doubt in the resolute spouse. The impact of their denial is that it begins having you doubt your own recollection of what was said and done. In such times you may feel that you are going crazy. Since this is a highly emotional time, people are often more susceptible to suggestion at this time. So when the adulterer denies or distorts the facts, it is like planting seeds inside the resolute spouse. The effects of those seeds are that they determine your reality and you begin doubting your own gut reactions and recollection of the facts.
Recognizing what is happening will help keep you from being deceived.
Best Regards,
adultery, cheating, delusions of affairs, denial of adultery, denial of affair, marriage, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from affairs, relationshipIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Many people do not understand forgiveness and what it involves. One of the areas of confusion concerns ‘making excuses’. In the aftermath of an affair, some resolute spouses search diligently through articles and research looking for answers. Although most are well meaning, the motivation is frequently one of looking for possible excuses. If you ask them, they are searching for reasons “to explain” what happened. Unfortunately, the reality for most is that they are looking for reasons to excuse what happened or find an explanation to blame it on. The search keeps them occupied, yet distracts them from looking at what they need to change or improve right now.
Looking at what is happening in the ‘here and now’ is difficult, although that is all they can actually change. The past has already happened. You can only change what your are doing in the present. Try forgiving rather than looking for excuses or something or someone to blame it on.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affair, cheating, forgiveness and affairs, infidelity, making excuses for affairs, marriage, relationships, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
The news personality, Barbara Walters is releasing her new autobiography. She will also been on Oprah promoting her book and possibly talking about her affairs. Since she is a celebrity, her affair is being presented as something positive. Affairs are always devastating. They ruin lives, families and careers. In times past, there was a name for loose women who touted their activities. Their reputations were ruined unless it was done in a spirit of repentance and remorse for their actions. The pro-adultery people will likely use Barbara Walters to make affairs look acceptable and try to change public perceptions of sleazy incontinent lifestyles.
I will not be supporting her by purchasing her book. I spend a great deal of time repairing the damage from affairs, I do not want to support those promoting affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, Affairs in the News, autobiography, Barbara Walters, cheating, marriage, news woman slut, open marriage values, Oprah, relationships, sleazy, slutIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Revenge is powered by fantasies and hurt. These two ingredients combine to make revenge possible. Since both are needed to keep revenge going, stopping them will reduce the likelihood of revenge. The fantasies often involved inflicting pain, paybacks and sufferings. At a deep level people often want to make their spouse suffer the same pain they did. They want them to know how it feels. Since they are often not talking with their spouse, they resort to acting it out. The fantasy often has themes of exerting power or taking control over the other spouse. The other spouse is often de-humanized and made into something that is less than human. By making them less than human, they feel less guilt when inflicting their revenge, since no ‘actual’ human was hurt. This kind of thinking requires some mental gymnastics.
The initial hurt of the affair is often thought about over and over. It takes on an obsessive nature. Things start to become dangerous when the resolute spouse begins filling in the gaps in the mental instant replays with assumptions and fantasies about what happened. It is as if the story becomes more embellished each time it is told.
The solution is to remind oneself of “What are the facts?”. “What do I know for sure?” Keeping things to the facts, without adding elements or spin, will help keep your mind focused. The other key piece is to remind yourself that your spouse is a ‘human’. Granted, they were not acting human when they engaged in infidelity like an animal in heat, but they are human.
These interventions will begin to help you “power down” the desire for revenge. It will not make it totally go away, but it will become more manageable.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, affairs, cheating, dealing with revenge, infidelity, marriage, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
After finding out about your spouse’s affair, the possibility of vengeance or revenge is high. Although vengeance seems to be a good way to let off steam and get a few things off your chest, such actions are driven by passion and emotion rather than logic. In an effort to help you manage those feelings, this will be the first in a series on understanding and dealing with revenge.
Vengeance is often empowered by the thoughts of the hurt. The more you play it over in your head, the more power the vengeance will have. The hurt is its power source. If you want to overcome vengeance, you will have to cut off the power source. This means quit driving by the locations that you associate with the affair, to quit ruminating about what happened, to quit fantasizing about what you are going to do to _______________ (fill in the blank with whatever explicative you desire). Cutting yourself off from the hurt, will not automatically take it away, but it is a start. In subsequent posts, I will provide other interventions that you can do to reduce the vengeance.
Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
affairs and revenge, Ill get that bastard, Ill get that bitch, marriage, rebuilding the marriage, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships, revenge in relationships, Understanding Affairs, vengeance for adulteryIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In the aftermath of an affair, there is the deep seated desire to punish. Sometimes, this desire is directed at the paramour and sometimes at your spouse. One of the more difficult things to sort out is what is behind this desire. Is it a need to right the wrongs done? If that is the case, punishment will not make things better. Is it to make your spouse pay? Making them pay will certainly not make them want to be near you or draw closer to you. Is it about wanting to get even with the paramour? Getting back at the paramour may make you feel better, but it does not remove your spouses role in what happened. Such questions, when through through will help you to regain your focus, since anger has a way of distracting us and blinding us to what we really want and need. So, before you take off and punish someone, take a moment and consider whether or not it will help to bring healing to the situation.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
adultery, benefits fo paybacks, infidelity, marriage, paybacks, punishment for an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
