Reestablishing your marriage after an affair is not to be rushed or forced. Making things happen rather than allowing them to change is a common mistake. It is difficult to wait during this ongoing process, but it is very possible to survive the affair. There is hope as long as you are committed to loving each other.
If you agree together, you enter into marriage counseling. It will be important to be honest and go in with a willingness to make the needed changes, not just find a way out of the pain.This can be a great help for you to sort through the difficulties of your marital problems if you do not put up barriers or resistance. Counseling can heal matters if you let it. If you are refusing to deal with the issues, then the counseling will have limited usefulness. Through marriage counseling, you can have a better perspective of your marriage, you can also explore deeper issues about your relationship, the ways you and your spouse develop intimacy, how to strengthen your love and your relationship.
Both of you should try to understand the root causes of the affair and your own relationship needs. The affair may stem from lack of communication and quality time, low self-esteem from either partner, there may be addictions, or a deep-rooted fear of intimacy and immaturity. All of these problems may contribute to the development of the affair. During the transitions of your life, you may feel difficulties as both of you are into transition.
These issues have deep roots.
As you go through marriage counseling, you can understand these issues further. The best outcome would be that you will come to understand yourself better and how to avoid the occurrence an affair in the future.
You should commit to the marriage counseling sessions as if your very lives depended on it. If any one of you is not committed, undergoing marriage counseling will never work. Open your mind and your heart. There is a great way to save your marriage and enable you to deal with the difficulties of surviving the affair.
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Love is not all that matters in your relationship. Marriage needs commitment and hard work. Love makes everything all right. But you should be willing to do the “dirty work” and sweat it out. If you don’t, then there is a problem in your relationship.
An affair is sure to rock your marriage. Without true love, commitment and hope, you cannot mend your marriage. Yet, if you can mend your marriage and forego of the past, you love each other indeed!
Yet, there are times that the pain, the bitterness, and the hurt come back. When they do, your marriage is affected and even your well-being. If you continue in that state, your marriage might be in a very big problem.
Is it time then for marriage counseling?
When you find yourself asking this question, look at crucial aspects of your marriage and then decide if it is indeed time for marriage counseling. Just posing the questions indicates that you believe there is something worth saving.
You could not bring back the romance in your marriage. No matter what you do, you cannot seem to bring back the romance and the “magic” in your marriage. And because you cannot, you and your partner feel edgy and paranoid about the status of your marriage.
Although the affair is over, you constantly fight over the littlest thing. Sometimes, it is not the big things that lead to the disintegration of a marriage but the littlest things that add up day after day. When you constantly fight over petty things, then it means that you have some deep-set unresolved issues that have to be solved.
You keep bringing up the affair into your fights. This is perhaps the last straw for your decision. If you notice that the subject of the affair comes up every now and then, you know that you are far from okay.
When you notice these three things in your marriage, then you need to seek marriage counseling. This will help your marriage greatly.
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Surviving an affair may feel like becoming a survivor of a war. You and your spouse may feel battered, uncertain, anxious and afraid of what’s going to happen with your marriage. Depending on the two of you, however, you can rebuild your marriage and discover that there is life after an affair. The experience may take longer if there has been physical abuse on top of the affair.
You both need to understand that there are things you cannot change such as the reality that the affair occurred. You can not go back into the past. Although you want things like they were, you can not go back there. The relationship can be repaired and intimacy restored, yet that is not the same as going back to the way you were. There is no time machine nor amnesia-inducing drug that could make you forget the affair. It is a scar that will remind you of its presence. More importantly, though, there are things that you can change. There is hope for your marriage if you and your spouse are willing to work it out and you affirm your love for each other.
Rebuild the trust between the two of you. This is not an easy undertaking. Trust is a very fragile thing. Once given and broken, it is very difficult to restore. But difficult does not mean impossible. The only way for trust to be given is to show that you are worthy of such trust. Keep your promises and be true to your word. When you start living up to your word, your spouse will take notice and will start giving you her trust again.
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In expanding the resources available to those dealing with the pain of infidelity, I have posted several hub pages on various Infidelity related topics.
Is it lying or denial? This hub deals with discerning whether the behaviors you are dealing with are plain and simple lying or something else.
Is it love or love addiction? This hub deals with telling the difference between affairs and possible love addictions.
Infidelity and Custody Concerns. This hub deals with the custody related problems that often occur in conjunction with infidelity.
Infidelity and Parental Alienation Syndrome. This hub deals with a controversial topic in the area of affairs and infidelity.
Time, Money and Infidelity. This hub deals with the role that money plays in the start and on-going aspects of affairs.
There are some other hubs on infidelity as well. These provide more information than the blog post if you want more in depth reading and understanding than the posts provide.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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It is very difficult to go through an affair. The stress and trauma in dealing with an affair can be life-changing and may introduce profound changes in the perceptions and life of the spouse whose partner had an affair.
Before moving on with the path of healing and wholeness, it is necessary to differentiate forgiveness from reconciliation. Reconciliation means that both you and your spouse are willing to work in rebuilding a relationship that has recently undergone an affair. With reconciliation, you try to look for common grounds and ties so that you can smooth out differences and repair your relationship.
Reconciliation is built upon the notion of forgiveness, which is a conscious decision of the victim to lay down his or her claims on the matter. It is a decision involving the grant of amnesty to the other person. Rebuilding marriage, however, should not stop at forgiveness only. Why? Because it is possible for you to forgive someone without working towards reconciliation.
Trust then rests on the possibility of reconciliation. When both parties reconcile, they are exerting efforts and are working towards the resolution of conflict and affirm their marriage vows. The process of rebuilding trust therefore should be built on forgiveness and on a firm commitment to the marriage.
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In dealing with the subject of surviving infidelity an issue needing attention is that of traumatic bonds. Traumatic bonding occurs when a person develops an attachment to people who are dangerous to themselves. Within an affair situation, traumatic bonding can occur between the infidel and their paramour or between the spouses. When such bonding occurs, the ‘victim’ remains in the relationship which may be damaging on a physical or emotional level. In many ways, they may experience a type of helplessness that keeps them locked into that role. To illustrate this situation, one study found that a woman in such a situation was assaulted 35 times before she called the police. Forgiving people for saying mean things is one thing, but to allow assaultive behavior to continue that long before taking action indicates that there is something wrong with the situation. This may sound extreme, but when people are caught up in a traumatic bond situation, this kind of extreme behavior is what they are used to.
This kind of bonding is a foundational element of sexual addictions and contributes to marital instability. Staying in such situations is maladaptive. The victim may sincerely believe they are coping with the situation by staying in the abusive relationship, which produces what some researches call “crazy-making” behavior.
If you are caught in a situation like this, begin setting boundaries. These are essential for your survival and the survival of your family members. Even if you start out small, begin setting them. It is also important to respect yourself. As part of respecting yourself, do not allow yourself to be put in the victim role again. It may take time to change the situation, but ignoring it will only serve to allow it to continue.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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A recent article in Forbes magazine took a look at the best cities for couples. Among the variables they looked at was the possibility of infidelity in various locations. I had never seen a study where such cities were examined before. They even considered the availability of couples counseling.
The top ten are
1. Dallas, Texas
2. Houston, Texas
3. Minneapolis, Minnesota
4. Denver, Colorado
5. Austin, Texas
6. Kansas City, Missouri
7. San Antonio, Texas
8. Virginia Beach, Virginia
9. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
10. Sacramento, California
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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When couples begin the work involved of restoring their relationship, there are often hurdles that must be overcome. Just being able to rationally discuss what happened is one of the early obstacles. Once that is covered, then tackling issues concerning forgiveness can be addresses. These accomplishments are important. It is at the next stage, that the infidels often show the strongest resistance to change. That stage is the work of rebuilding trust. When the trust issues are dealt with and effort is made to restore them, that means that there is no ‘wiggle room’ for the infidel and they know that. Do not be surprised when they show resistance to rebuilding the trust. They may even sabotage the efforts at doing so.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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