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Movies and television often portray affairs as rampant. I was made aware that there was even a porn movie that opened with statistics indicating that affairs were rampant. The question arises as to “What is the truth?” The reality is that affairs are not the norm. Many of those portraying that image have a vested interest in keeping the image alive that it is running rampant. The payoff to keeping that myth alive is that many people want to consider themselves ‘with it’ or in the mainstream. If the majority of the people in the mainstream are having affairs, then they assume that it is now accepted. Despite the media hype, affairs/infidelity/cheating is not the norm. It is not accepted as mainstream behavior.  Affairs are not healthy psychologically, emotionally or relationally. Although some media outlets want to portray affairs as ‘just playing around’, those who have been through the experience know that it is anything but play. The stakes are high and the emotions are real. The experience is not ‘fun and games’.

Not only are affairs not the mainstream, they are not approved of by a majority of people.  There are some social circles that are open to affairs, open marriages and swapping. Such social circles are not the mainstream, even though they attempt to portray themselves as such. If they were mainstream, the question arises as to “why all the secrecy?”.  Why must such services and groups insist on discretion (another word for being secretive)?

If affairs were acceptable to mainstream culture there would be no need for discretion.

If affairs were acceptable and the new norm, there would be no need for private investigators to investigate affairs.

If affairs were the new norm, there would be no shame, embarrassment or hiding  associated with affairs.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Although the practice of ’swinging’ is portrayed as hip and cool, the reality is often very different. What was once labeled as ‘wife swapping’ or ‘open marriage’ has been given the title of swinging in order to have more mass appeal.

I cannot speak for all swingers, but only for the ones that I have worked with. I have seen the brokeness that swinging produces and the damage it leaves in its wake. Many wives are caught up in swinging at the insistence of their spouses. Since they want their husbands to be happy, they initially go along with the idea.

First, swingers have to find a way into the ‘network’. In each city that has a swinging network, there are prescribed places to meet that have been pre-selected ahead of time. One must be ‘in the know’ in order to have awareness of which club they need to attend that evening. The clubs often charge a fee, with a required number of drinks for the couple. Initially there is either fear of the unknown or the excitement of dressing up and going somewhere filled with activity. Children are often sent off for the weekend in order to avoid embarrassing moments associated with being found out.

Once at the pre-selected club, the couples mingle, drink and dance. After a few hours, the alcohol kicks in and then it is time for a ‘get-together at someone’s home, retreat or boat’. The locations are often very exclusive, which adds a sense of unreality and fantasy to what is going on.

When the lifestyle begins, there is plenty of excitement at doing something different and dangerous. Once the couple becomes immune to the danger and conscience, the excitement of dress up and drama associated with human relationships often takes over to keep the adrenalin pumping. The spouse engages in activities that they may find distasteful only because it pleases their spouse. In this mix of people, emotion and alcohol, the feelings of arousal and pleasing the spouse are often confused.

The result is a lifestyle full of secrets, guilt, shame and remorse. Yes there was excitement, although there are often more memories of things they wish to forget. There is the anxiety or running into someone from ‘the club’. There is the possibility of someone finding out that they do not wish to find out. It becomes another world with its own set of rules and control over the people. It becomes a world that owns the couple rather than them owning their own world. The glamor is deceitful. It tricks people into a lifestyle that will change them and their conscience forever. It is a glossy way to hide sexual addictions and affairs and try to make them acceptable.

When the parties are over, the couple are often left with the reality that the swinging was nothing more than affairs and orgies on a grand scale.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Affairs and Children, cheating and swinging, open marriage, Sexual addiction, sexual addictions, swinging and affairs, swinging and infidelity, Understanding Affairs

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In Nairobi, a recent article in their paper advocated polygamy as a solution to infidelity. This is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Legitimizing sexual license is not going to improve the self control needed in a marriage.

If the men are not going to be loyal to their wives in the first place, giving them more freedoms is not going to improve their impulse control. This is a blatant example of wrong-headed answers to the adultery problem. Adultery needs more self-discipline and self-control along with stronger commitments in order to reduce the frequency of it. Weakening the commitment and giving sexual license gives tacit approval to the licentious behaviors. Although not on a national level, there are movements in the United States which include swinging and polyamory as solutions to infidelity. These are placing the emphasis on giving into the urges and weakening the commitment to marriage. Such logic is akin to having an affair to pay your spouse back for having an affair.

In neighboring Uganda, officials are taking religious studies out of their schools, including teachings against adultery. They believe that morals can better be shaped by the schools without the religious factors. This is more of the same kind of logic that says that due to the high correlation of fire trucks and fires, we are reducing the number of fire trucks in order to reduce the number of fires in our communities.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, Affairs in the News, cheating, commiment to marriage, infidelity, Kenya, open marriage, polyamory, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships, sexual license, uganda education, Understanding Affairs, wife swapping

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Some spouses actively seek their partner’s permission for an affair. Although some ask directly, others hold onto comments made in anger or frustration as verbal approval for their disloyalty. The catch is that once this cat is out of the bag, it is difficult to ever put it back. Once the boundaries of the marriage are broken, they are hard to re-establish. When a relationship rests solely on emotional commitment and loyalty without physical and spiritual commitment, the foundation of the relationship is damaged.

The other problem associated with permission affairs is the one dealing with conscience. If it was acceptable, why did you need permission in the first place? When you are disloyal, there is the accompanying guilt and remorse. I recognize that some people do not have the remorse, or remorseful feelings. Most people do and when they engage in behavior that is not acceptable, they often attempt to rationalize it. This is often done through a strange twisting of religion, sociology, philosophy and any other academic field that they can bend into supporting that adultery is an accepted behavior. Adultery is still disloyalty. Although some may claim that people were never made to be monogamous, emotional reality opposes that idea.

You can make agreements with your spouse that many kinds of behavior are acceptable and in turn use that agreement to silence your conscience, but that will still not make it right.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Polygamy is spreading in western Europe and the United States. Although its advocates attempt rationalizing the practice, the consequences are potentially fatal. If you do not believe that polygamy is dangerous, ask the family of Jareleigh Morton, whose wife killed him while he attempted maintaining a polygamous lifestyle outside of Philadelphia. Human emotions being what they, the emotions of a majority of couples do not flex to accommodate another man or woman entering the marriage relationship. Cultures, religion and human emotions are not mix and match types of variables, especially concerning marriage, with the physical, emotional and spiritual bonding that takes place. Although those practicing polygamy may lie about the nature of the relationships to government officials, spouses know where the loyalties of the heart lie. The emotions that are triggered when spouses practice infidelity are often intense and can be murderous at times. It is dangerous to gamble that your spouse will be ‘open’ to sharing. If your marriage is experiencing difficulties associated with infidelity, purchase Infidelity: A Survivor’s Guide to help you through the situation.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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With all the resources and books available for couples, how can you tell which ones to trust?  What they often want to know are which authors I recommend. This is a valid question and concern which I am often asked by couples . I have not read all the books that are out there. It would be a full time job just reading everything that is published on the topic. There are a few that I recommend without hesitation. Willard F. Harley, who wrote His Needs, Her Needs puts our consistently good material. His site, Marriage Builders does a good job. I also like Gary Smalley’s early materials. His books, If Only He Knew and For Better or Best are solid. Smalley and Harley are the major Christian oriented writers I prefer. I am also familiar with Elissa Gough’s material and can recommend her books. She has a website called Face Reality, which is solid in terms of dealing with affairs.

In terms of the heavy duty material, Patrick Carnes is what is needed for the sexual addictions. A scary reality is that some affairs do involve sexual addictions of one type or another. He has been in the forefront of addressing this issue for many years.

There are other good books out there. Frank Pittman’s material has been spoken of very highly, although I have not gone through it myself.

There is often some material of value in many of the resources out there. I do steer away from authors that advocate “open marriage” as a solution from things. That approach often confuses the people I work with since they are seeking reconciliation in most cases. The main person that you should listen to is your counselor and your pastor. They will know you and your personal needs better than myself.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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In perusing the net, it amazes me the various trends and weirdness that is out there. Among some of the latest trends are “married dating” and “personal affairs”. This two latest terms are just new packaging for the old infidelity. Although packaged as a “trendy” and “in” thing to be a part of, these new trends will lead to the pain and heartache of infidelity.

The internet is known for how it allows people to recreate themselves in a new manner. These trends are just the latest way there is for people to feed into a fantasy. Recall that years ago it was ‘wife swapping”, then it was repackaged as “open marriage” or put into the trendy “swinging” vernacular. It was the same infidelity put into a shiny new package.

The swinging lifestyle is filled with fantasies. It is weekend dress-up for adults. Those involved often numb themselves out with booze so that they can engage in their illicit acts with others before hand. The whole lifestyle if filled with secrets and deception. Although the week end parties in big homes and on the yachts looks feeds into fantasies of ‘lifestyles of the rich and famous’, those participating have to eventually come back home to where they live. They will have to deal with the feelings of emptiness, guilt and other complications that go with it. You can escape this lifestyle before it destroys you. The whole idea of ‘personal affairs’ and ‘married dating’ are nothing more than new variations on old perversions.

If you are caught up in those activities, begin telling yourself the truth about what you are doing, who you are and where it will lead you. One of the hallmarks of addiction is that it has you chasing a fantasy that never becomes realized.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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