In order for you to rebuild your marriage after the affair, you should assume responsibility for your actions. Rather than making excuses, accept responsibility. You will not reap any benefits by saying that your wife is no longer the same person you know or that she rarely connects with you anymore. Accept responsibility for your part in what has happened, ask for forgiveness and start rebuilding your marriage.
If you withdrew from them-admit it!
If you are holding a grudge-admit it!
If you avoid them-admit it!
In order to rebuild trust you will need to stop lying Start accepting responsibility and show that you can be trusted. This is the surest way for you to become trustworthy. Keep in mind that your spouse is wary now and the trust given you is very fragile and temporary unless you show that you are trustworthy. If you continue to lie, you will be found out and that will be more painful for your spouse.
Cut all connections with the person you had an affair with. Making excuses to prolong the relationship with your paramour only prolongs the pain. By severing the connections, you show that you are sincere in rebuilding your marriage. Not only would you get the trust of your spouse but you also build an inner integrity, which is very important in your character. As evidence that you have cut off your connections with the third party, answer the questions of your spouse truthfully each time she asks.
Be present at home. When your spouse and your kids see you at home most of the time, they will know that you care for them and that you are no longer being drawn away by the third party. Go on and rebuild your marriage and your life, too.
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One of the realities of human relationships is that over time we become like the people and things we surround ourselves with. This is very true with affairs. I have often seen the resolute spouse often compares themselves with the paramour. This is a dangerous practice. When you compare yourself with the paramour, you will always find yourself inadequate. If I compare myself with Mel Gibson, I will always come up inadequate. It is imperative that during the recovery process that you do not use someone else’s yardstick. You need to compare yourself with your potential, not against the paramour. Develop your strengths and abilities. Improving yourself will not be accomplished by comparing your body and personality with someone else’s body and personality. I use the question, “Who is in your mirror?” to express this idea. You need to be careful who is the person in your mental mirror that you compare yourself to.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
adultery, affair, cheating, infidelity, paramour, relationships, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In dealing with couples, I am constantly amazed at the amount of ‘magical thinking’ that occurs. This magical thinking takes several forms. One is, If only I can explain my viewpoint, they will believe me and all will be fine. Another is all if only I can show them what a great lover I am and all will be well. There are other variants, but the mindset is the same. These people actually believe that the “If only..” things came to pass that all would be well. This is magical thinking. Like the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin, these things are the building blocks of fantasy. Relationships need solid building blocks, not fantasies to provide a foundation to the relationship.
This same kind of magical thinking is also involved with the paramour, where the fantasies about where they will take the adulterer and how life will be different, etc., etc., . This is also magical thinking.
Finding real solutions begins with confronting the magical thinking that is associated with affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, affairs, fantasies, infidelity, magical thinking, paramour, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
After the posting on ‘homewreckers’ yesterday, I have done more thinking on the topic. I considered who is the homewrecker? The term is often used to objectify the paramour, yet the paramour can not wreck a home by themselves. In order to wreck the home, each of the parties play a part. It is just easier to put all the blame on one person and give them the “homewrecker” label.
I do not like using the term “homewrecker” since it only serves to put blame on a person and does little to solve the issues underlying the affair. The decision to destroy the home was often made before the person called the homewrecker entered the picture. Instead of homewrecker, I prefer to use the term ‘paramour’. Each of the spouses and the paramour are locked into extreme game playing. They re-enact the drama triangle on a regular basis rather than take steps to resolve the issues and remove themselves from the situation.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, affairs, drama triangle, homewrecker, infidelity, paramour, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
This news story brings to light that Mississippi is one of the few states in the Union of States that allows a spouse to sue when someone steals them. The ‘alienation of affection’ claim makes affairs more painful in that state than in others. In the latest round, the paramour, Jerry Fitch is seeking limits on how much money he will have to pay the spurned husband, Johnny Valentine. The affair started when the wife began working for Jerry Fitch and the two eventually became involved with each other.
The court case, in this instance is being taken to the United States Supreme Court. It seems that Jerry Fitch is fighting having to pay the money out. Many people who have affairs try to limit the damages, with little success. This is one of the first affair cases I have seen taken to the Supreme Court.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, affair, Affairs and Children, alienation of affection, cheating, History of Affairs, infidelity, Jerry Fitch, Johnny Valentine, paramour, State of MississippiIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
