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Knowing the price tag of an item before one purchases it often helps in determining whether or not one is obtaining a ‘good deal’.  There are even groups like Consumer Reports and Underwriters Laboratories which provide information to consumers to help them make good choices. Although these services are available for products, there are no such services for the relational consequences of affairs. There is no sticker on the window to let you know the full price of that ‘must have’ affair.  The price of an affair is never cheap, no matter where you shop.

Among the relational consequences of affairs (which is part of the total price) are: emotional distancing, distrust, loss of reputation, guilt, desire for revenge, insecurity, and loss of self-respect. These consequences occur in the spouse to spouse relationship along with the relationship between the cheater and their children.  There may also be some alienation in the relationship between the cheater and their parents as a result of the affair.  Having a lover with a good personality, plenty of money or attractiveness may take some of the pain out of the situation, but there is no way to cheat your way out of the consequences. You just happen to have someone to go through the pain of those consequences with you. In some cases, they resent having to go through such experiences. They may be supportive, yet even that relationship will not go unscathed in the aftermath of an affair.

When the relationships become alienated, there are higher risks that other issues may develop. Resentments and grudges may develop in such an atmosphere of alienation. Alienated relationship are the breeding grounds of many problems. Remember that no one makes accusations of Parental Alienation Syndrome when the relationships are healthy. It is when there is alienation, distance, anger and avoidance that such accusations occur.

What makes it worse is that the pain does not end when the divorce is final. The pain continues well beyond any court settlements. The courts do not settle emotional and relationship issues, they only address the legal relationships.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

Affairs and Children, parent alienation syndrome, Understanding Affairs

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One of the sad realities of human relationships is that “Hurt people hurt people”. This is important to keep in mind during the aftermath of an affair. When spouses have been hurt by an affair, they often hurt back. Whether or not the adulterous spouse intended to hurt, the betrayal of the affair inflicted hurt. In an attempt to deal with their hurt, the resolute spouse often strikes out.

The striking out may be direct or indirect. When the pain is exceptionally intense, they often find ways of making the adulterer ‘feel’ the intensity of the hurt that they themselves are experiencing. Whether or not the hurt is justified becomes irrelevant. When a person is hurting, they are often not logical or rational. They often find themselves striking out. When the affair is one that was exceptionally painful, there are often directed intentional attempts at hurting the other spouse. Love is often witheld. At times, they may attempt to withold the children from the parent as well. One sign that danger is present is when the phrase, “You don’t deserve your children”. In such cases, the situation often spins out of control and allegations of “child abuse” are often hurled at the adulterer. When the spouse is hurting, there are always lawyers willing to fan the flames and “get them what they are entitled to”. In most cases, it is not about entitlement, but rather revenge.

Keeping this in mind, when your spouse is hurting, it is not the time to attack back, either verbally, physically or legally.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and child abuse, allegations of child abuse after an affair, cheating, hurting spouses and affairs, infidelity, parent alienation syndrome, Understanding Affairs

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In the aftermath of an affair, parents often do many things which they think will help with adjustment to what went down. Many times the motives for the actions they take are noble. The actions taken often have good intentions. Although the intentions are good, the impact is often disastrous. Some parents remove or reduce the children from contact with the adulterer thinking that what they did was contagious. They rationalize their actions, claiming that it was ‘for the good of the children’. In the aftermath of the affair, the adulterer often needs contact with their children and others. The children also need contact with their parents. The child may not approve of what the parent did, but it is still their parent.

Another area where I have seen damage done concerns ‘reframing’. In reframing, the parents attempt constructing a new family. The manufacture of the ‘new family’ often involves retelling the history of the family and changing many parts of it. The reframing may lead to alienating the children from their parent. Some people are written out of the family history. It is as if the family wants to deny their existence. Children growing up under such conditions find themselves struggling with confusion. They remember growing up one way, yet the ‘approved’ history of the family is different. When these descrepencies arise, they often begin doubing themselves rather than question the accepted or ‘reframed’ history of the family. Rather than deal with the reality that some bad choices were made, the children are led to believe a fantasy about a family that never existed. Reframing brings with it a danger. The danger is that the children often begin doubting themselves, rather than trust themselves and their own gut reactions. They are led to accept the ‘party line’ or accepted version of the affair rather than workign through the factual events and persons.  Although the intentions may be good, the impact is not. Such reframing often destoys self confidence in ways that are often not visible until years later.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs and Children, changing family history after an affair, parent alienation, parent alienation syndrome, Rebuilding the relationship, reframing the family history after an affair, treating family as if they did not exist, writing out members of the family

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In dealing with affairs, I have realized that there are often three major scars of damage inflicted  in the course of an affair. The first scar or damage is that inflicted by the affair itself. The second occurs in conjunction with the discovery and hiding of the affair. The third concerns how the family deals with the affair. Since there have been many postings on topics related to the first and second scars, I will address the values crisis associated with the third scar.

The family reaction to an affair presents a values crisis for many reasons. it becomes a crisis since what occurred with the affair and its cover-up are often at odds with the values held by the family. There is often a massive difference between what is espoused in terms of stated beliefs and what is practiced in terms of behaviors shown. There is a dissonance between what is done and what was said. Although the family may say that lying, cheating, breaking promises and threatening is not acceptable, when an affair occurs, such behaviors are often readily dsiplayed.  In some cases, the values of openness, love and acceptance are challenged by the betrayal and lies surrounding the affair. The children see how the parents respond to the situation. In viewing their parents responses, they see which value system their parents actually live by, rather than what is preached. Upon seeing this descrepency, they often loose faith with either their parents, their religion or both. In some cases, they try rationalizing it thinking that somehow their parents are special exceptions to the values crisis. The idea of thinking that the rules somehow do not apply to them creates an unstable foundation for moral and social development. Social development hinges on people doing what they say they will do. Thinking that one is an exception to that foundational truth presents many problems.

The parents often falsely assume that once the affair is over and exposed, the damage is over with. They are sadly mistaken. The damage done in how they responded to the affair is often like a cracked foundation, which initially appears to be alright although the reality is that the whole structure has been weakened by it. It is during this time that some parents begin the process of alienating their children from the adulterer or in some cases the resolute spouse. Rather than working out their issues directly, the parents begin fighting through the children. In such occurances, both parents end up losing since the children learn they can not trust either one.

When dealing with affairs, it is important to deal with not only the affairs, but also how the family responds to the affair and the adulterer.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs and Children, cheating, dissonance between parental and children values in dealing with affairs, is cheating a sin, is cheating ok, parent alienation syndrome, religion and affairs, values crisis and affairs, what values are shown in affairs

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One of the dangers with affairs is the possibility of a divorce. With the possibility of divorce, there is the likelihood of parent alienation occurring. Although this sounds like some weak logical assumptions, it is important to accept that in having an affair there is a risk of parent alienation. No one likes to consider it at the time, but the risk is real.

Since affairs are often taken as personal attacks, when a spouse is threatened by one, they often react by making personal attacks back. When families are involved, the attacks often involve the children. Whether intentional or unintentional the agenda often consists of making your spouse hurt as bad as they hurt you. When the attack is taken personally, the reaction will be personal. One of the ways to attack a person in such a manner is with parent alienation.

The risk of parent alienation is higher when threats of divorce are raised. When the divorce card is played, everything is suddenly taken out of proportion. The rules change. When the legal system is brought in, suddenly perceptions become more important than facts. Fantasies and possible situations situations are now just as valid as reality. This change in rules makes for a confusing state of affairs. Claims and threats of claims regarding parent alienation are made. In some cases, the lawyers are merely maneuvering for better visitation or custody, yet this maneuvering is often at the expense of your emotions and your wallet or purse.

Spouses who feel betrayed often betray those who betrayed them. So if you had an affair, do not be surprised if your spouse betrays you by accusing you of things that you did not do. These feelings of betrayal need to be dealt with rather than being ignored.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

betrayal, divorce from affairs, infidelity, infidelity and parent alienation, parent alienation syndrome

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In expanding the resources available to those dealing with the pain of infidelity, I have posted several hub pages on various Infidelity related topics.

Is it lying or denial?  This hub deals with discerning whether the behaviors you are dealing with are plain and simple lying or something else.

Is it love or love addiction? This hub deals with telling the difference between affairs and possible love addictions.

Infidelity and Custody Concerns. This hub deals with the custody related problems that often occur in conjunction with infidelity.

Infidelity and Parental Alienation Syndrome. This hub deals with a controversial topic in the area of affairs and infidelity.

Time, Money and Infidelity. This hub deals with the role that money plays in the start and on-going aspects of affairs.

There are some other hubs on infidelity as well. These provide more information than the blog post if you want more in depth reading and understanding than the posts provide.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs, Affairs and Children, cheating, custody concerns, divorce, infidelity, marriage counseling, parent alienation syndrome, relationships, Resources

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One of the many areas damaged by Parent Alienation is that the extended family of the alienated spouse is vilified. The programming that was done to create friction between the child/children and the alienated spouse spreads like a bad case of fleas. These ‘hate fleas’ infect anyone associated with the alienated spouse. They infest their family, friends and associates. It seems that the hate has no limits.

Depending on the level of programming conducted by the alienator spouse, the severity can range from minimal to fanatical. The likelihood of fanaticism will increase when mixed with religiosity.  The reason for that is that what happens in those cases is that one spouse will see themselves as morally superior to the other, if their beliefs are mixed in with that, there is an attitude of moral and spiritual superiority, from which vindictive tirades are hurled against the spouse that is the target of the alienation.

In the long run, such actions serve to strain the relations between the child and the affected parent along with the extended family. What the alienator does not realize is that the very seeds of distrust they plant will eventually be used against them as well. Everyone is hurt by alienation, and the exaggeration of faults that often accompanies it.  The events need to be dealt with in a factual manner, not an exaggerated one.

The very support systems that would have provided strength during a difficult time are not there to help the marriage.  I mention Parent Alienation Syndrome, because it often accompanies affairs.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

extended family, parent alienation syndrome, severity of alienation

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