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If the advertising media are to be believed, anyone with big boobs or being well-endowed will insure happiness and pleasure throughout their days. The fantasy is that once these bodily changes are made that your life will improve. Such fantasies are unsubstantiated. The advertising fuels dissatisfaction with one’s body, and questions about one’s own body image and those of their spouse.

In order to reduce the danger of affairs it is important to realize that these ads are fueled by fantasies and that those fantasies are unrealistic. The whole presupposition is based on on a ’sex is the most important thing in life’ mentality. When we are sad or lonely, it is easy to fall prey to such thinking. Recognize that such thinking is dangerous to your mental health and to your marriage. Rather than seeking after the big boobs or big bulge that others have, the better course is to take the time, money and attention that were spent on such matters and redirect it to your marriage. Work at improving the relationship with your wife or husband. The largest sex organ is the brain and learning to point it in the right direction will do you more good than in the enhancement of other appendages.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

affairs and big boobs, affairs and big bulges, bog boobs, enhancement and happiness, enhancement products and marraige, Rebuilding the relationship, Reducing the Risk

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An aspect of affairs that often leads to hair pulling arguments is “What is the definition of an affair?” The hairsplitting, and nit-picking detail finding that happens in many homes on this question would put a lawyer to shame. Questions arise as to whether to use the legal definition, the dictionary definition, or the Bible definition of an affair. The discussion also focuses on whether to call it adultery, cheating, an affair, an indiscretion, a mistake, a one-night stand, infidelity, or some other term. The argument often includes descriptions of whether an affair is the ‘act’ or the intent. There are also the arguments of whether it was an affair of the body or an affair of the heart.

Although some of the questions and points raised during these discussions are valid, many more are means of avoidance, doing mental gymnastics or trying to pin the SOB/Bitch down on their behavior (even good people often digress to name calling during such intense discussions).

When these discussions arise during my counseling, I often reframe the argument to ‘trust’ and whether or not their was a violation of trust. Whether or not they intended to breach that trust is of little consequence, although they often want a ‘gold star’ because their intentions were not malicious. When there is a ‘breach of trust’ for whatever reason, the couple needs to deal with that breach. Whether the breach consisted of secrets, virtual interactions, or something else, there was a breach that needs to be addressed. The boundaries of the relationship were encroached upon. In some cases, there may not have been an encroachment, but rather a jealous accusation, which itself is a type of encroachment and needs to be addressed.

By focusing on the ‘trust’ issue, and addressing the impact on the relationship the whole sticky definition of an affair becomes a moot point. This is also helpful during the rebuilding of the relationship. Rather than get caught up with definitions, focus on the emotional and relational effects of what occurred.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

cheating, definitions of an affair, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationship, trust, Understanding Affairs

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In dealing with an affair, there will be times that you are attacked on a personal level. Since the very nature of an affair disrupts people on a personal level, they often say and do things that irritate others on a personal level as well. At times, the things they say are intentional and at other times, the statements are made without the intent to hurt. Even though they were not designed to hurt, since the speaker themselves is hurting on a personal level, the message will often be sent in such a manner as to communicate the deep intense hurt they feel. These messages are often sent in a manner that also irritates and disturbs us on a deep level.

What this amounts to is that there are times that the real message is in HOW they communicated their message to you. The spoken words are only a portion of the whole  message communicated. Learning how to listen to the words and the message behind the words (i.e. HOW the message was communicated) is made more difficult during an affair, since the resolute spouse is often hurting as well. Attempts at communication often turns into an action-reaction, attack-attack back, You-hurt-me-so-I-will-hurt-you type of interaction. Learning how to disengage from such cycles of pain and hurt is difficult, but doable. It is important to listen to your spouse, both what they say and how they say it along with  ‘not taking the message personally’.  During this time, hurtful things are often said that are designed to push people away.

It would be nice if people could talk things out and fight fair. When the hurts are deep and emotional needs are in play, the fights become emotional volcanoes. They are often driven more by passion than logic. Recognize that this is part of what occurs in the aftermath of an affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

fighting after infidelity, fighting after the affair, Rebuilding the relationship, talking about your cheating, talking to your spouse about the affair, Understanding Affairs

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After discovering an affair, it is tempting for each spouse to ’speak their mind’ or ’speak the plain truth’ about how they view things. The feelings are often raw and the comments made are rough at best. Although it may temporarily feel better to let it all hang out, this is a time restraint and caution are needed. An important question to ask oneself during this time is “Will it bring healing?” If your comments will not bring healing to the relationship or yourself, then they are best not said. Many things could be said, but if they do nothing but bring destruction and hurt, you may want to think twice. Yes, honesty is the best policy, yet it is important to temper that honesty with love. What is said needs to focus on what will help the relationship, not destroy it!

As you address the issues and focus on rebuilding, remember to temper your ‘plain truth’ with love. The attitude behind what is said often communicates more than the words themselves. It may be the plain truth, but when it is not presented in love, will not be listened to in a positive way. When people are vulnerable, you are in a position to either build them up or demolish them.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

affairs and truth, communication, infidelity and truth, Rebuilding the relationship, speaking the truth, Understanding Affairs

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A difficult question to consider is whether or not serial marriages are any better than serial affairs. In the case of serial marriages, the parties involved attempted to have their relationships with all the legal authority and sanctity associated with marriage. They often experience less guilt than those involved with serial affairs. In each case, there are often trails of destroyed lives and dreams in their wake.A ‘love them and leave them’ mentality permeates both.

Although the social status of marriage makes the pain of broken promises more tolerable, these relationships often have many issues associated with fears of rejection, torn loyalties, doubts regarding trust and uncertainties regarding the commitment of the relationship. Very often the issues that split up the first marriages are carried over in the subsequent marriages and are often projected onto the spouses who ‘remind’ them of their exes.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

broken marriages, Rebuilding the relationship, serial affairs, serial marriages, Understanding Affairs

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Stopping an extra-marital relationship takes more than making resolutions about it. Stopping the affair means ending the physical relationship and changing the emotional relationship.  Once the affair is ended, it is not easy to leave that part of one’s life behind. It often takes a conscious effort to transform or change the feelings that you once had for that one’s lover. The needs they once met are now unmet and what they satisfied are now unsatisfied. The adjustment requires acknowledging the pain and then transforming it.

When the affair is ended on the physical level, but not severed emotionally or spiritually, it is only a matter of time before another affair (either of the body or heart) to occur.  Working through the change process takes more than will power.

Choosing to end the affair is a good first step, but that is not the only step involved in stopping the pattern of affairs.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs, infidelity and resolutions, new years and cheaters, new years resloutions and affairs, Rebuilding the relationship

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The dating service known as “Ashley Madison” (they call themselves an agency) often advertises their services as “Life is Short, Have an Affair”.  They even go so far as to offer a money back guarantee.  With near 5 million members, there are many who have taken advantage of their offer. Although they advertise that those who take advantage of the offer will have ‘an affair to remember’ , the question arises as to “What do you do after Ashley Madison?” When the ‘affair to remember’ is over, how does one clean up the mess and pick up the pieces of their lives and families?

The affair will likely be something to remember, but how does one clean up the resulting nightmare. Although some couples have no problem with affairs, there are many that do have problems with the lying and disloyalty of an affair. For some, the whole affair experience amounts to being trapped into a lifestyle and a series of lies that they are desperate to escape from. If you are one of those who do not approve of affairs, or what to escape the lifestyle, there is hope. You can escape that trap. Although the affair may have been a horrid experience that leaves scars on the lives of everyone it touches, you can make changes to repair and improve your marriage. An affair does not have to mean the end of the marriage. It does mean that some major repair work is needed in the marriage relationship and within the lives of those impacted by the affair, including the adulterer.   Find out what steps you can take now to pull out of that lifestyle at SurviveYourPartnersAffair.com .

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

affairs, Ashley Madison, cheating, cheating lifestyles, life is short have an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, Reducing the Risk

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Fear is a powerful motivating force. Fear keeps some spouses from even mentioning their suspicions of an affair. Fear is what keeps the adulterer from bringing up the affair. Fear is what keeps the couple from discussing what is missing in their marriage and what their needs are. Instead, they may complain about the secondary symptoms of what is missing, since that is often easier to discuss and blame over. It is easier to complain about sex than to discuss intimacy needs. It is easier to complain about ‘poor communication’ than to discuss the fears that often keep them from open discussions.

Living with fear is often more extreme with couples who grew up in families that operated and existed in fear. Whether fears of rejection, honest, violence or something else. Living in fear brings poor choices and a sense of desperation. There are fears that religious leaders or people in the community would reject them if they were honest. Fear brings torment into the lives and marriages of the people exposed to it.

You can take steps to escape the fear. It begins by being honest with yourself. Tell yourself the truth about yourself and what is going on. Learning to live with honesty will open your eyes to many things. You will find yourself living in a more genuine manner. No need to hide behind masks and veils, you can begin to see through those obfuscating items. True love is incompatible with fear. As you begin increasing your awareness of fear, you will begin hating the fear and how it dominated your life. Once you have begun telling yourself the truth, then you can take steps to secure your safety.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and religion, fear and affairs, overcoming fear and affairs, overcoming the fears associated with cheating and exposing cheating, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

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Although Oedipus made the fateful declaration of “I married my mother!”, many couples discover after being married a few years that they also have married someone like their parents. Making such choices carries with it heavy emotional baggage, especially when there have been affairs in the family history. In such situations it is easy to blame the spouse for issues, although the real unresolved issues lie within you. When childhood issues are not resolved, the dynamics are often recreated later in life. It is as if you recreate your family of origin all over again in a new location. You built your new family with the old family building blocks. With the reconstruction, there is a also a carry over of the issues from the family of origin. It is not by accident that the Bible speaks negatively of ‘familiar’ spirits, these same attitudes creep into new families when not addressed. If your family has a history of infidelity, you will want to take steps to not recreate similar situations in your present relationships.

Here are some steps that will help:

1. Be honest with yourself and yourself.

2. Rather than ignore emotional needs, do something about them.

3. Take steps to sever the emotional bonds that have unhealthy connections.

4. See your spouse as they are. Do not make comparisons of them with others. Accept them for who they are.

5. Accept yourself for who you are.

Being that the holiday season is upon us, there are windows of opportunities for healing that are not there the rest of the year. You have a chance to start the new year on a firmer footing.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs run in families, cheating and family patterns, family history of infidelity, family of origin issues and affairs, marrying my father, marrying my mother, Rebuilding the relationship

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Affairs often bring out the childish parts of people and their personalities. One of the children’s games that often occurs is “They have to make the first move”. In this game, the parties keep a tense status quo in their relationship, while each waits on the other to make the first  move. With such a ’stand off’, each party often justifies their position by emphasizing their innocence and the wrongs that were done to them. In situations where they focus on the wrongs they endured, they attempt taking the moral high ground through maintaining self-righteous positions. They believe that they are in the ‘right’ and refuse to make the first move. They often use scripture to justify their position and make them feel good about what they have done. Such actions are a misuse of scripture.

The saying “You can be right or be in relationship” holds the key to these situations. They can spend their energy maintaining their rightness or do what it takes to repair the relationship and improve their marriage. Which do you want to be —being ‘right’ of being back in relationship with your spouse?

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and self righteousness, cheating and self righteousness, moral high ground and affairs, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

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