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Many couples wait until the damage is massive before they decide to work on their marriage. After the spirit of oneness and tenderness is destroyed, they wonder if they can ever get that back. They delay taking action until the pain reaches a level which they can no longer tolerate. The time to take action is when there is distance in the relationship, not when the pain becomes unbearable. The choice of using pain as their barometer of action rather than distance in their relationship is a fatal one. It is important in responding to the issues to respond when there are changes in the distance rather than after people take action like an affair to make that distance permanent.
Typically when people ask “Is there any hope?”, they have waited until the pain is intense and unbearable. They are wanting a magic cure that will ‘zap’ their marriage back to the earlier days. Deciding to wait until the pain became unbearable is part of the problem that got them to where they are at. Rather than asking such questions, they need to be at work correcting how they relate to their spouse.
Rather than ask the question-TAKE ACTION! Do something to improve your marriage now!
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
affairs, distance in marriage, hope for relationship, hope in marriage, Rebuilding the relationshipIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
When an affair is suspected or found out, many couples ask the wrong questions. Rather than asking “What can I do to save my marriage?” , “What will save my marriage?” or “What is my marriage worth?” they instead quibble about “What does a counselor cost?”, “What does a private eye cost?” or “How much does a divorce attorney cost?”. By asking the wrong questions, they find misleading and distracting answers and little is done for the marriage. Couples often spend more on their cars than on improving their marriage. The relationship with the person who you pledged your life to share together receives less attention than the brand names of the clothes in the closet or the quality of automobile in the garage. Such poor choices go back to the poor questions that are being asked.
If your marriage is in trouble-you need to do something NOW. If you suspect that your spouse is having an affair, you need to do something NOW! If your spouse is distant from you, something needs to be done NOW! When the air conditioner or heater breaks, service is often called immediately, since your physical comfort or health is at risk. When your emotional/relational health is at risk, or breaks, and your physical health is endanger (from stress), rather than taking action, people delay. They dicker over price, convenience, or deny that any problems exists, when they need to be taking action. They show less alarm over a broken relationship than they do over a broken car or air conditioner.
Part of the reason for the wrong questions, besides denial goes back to misplaced priorities. When the priorities are misplaced, the relationship choices will also be distorted and warped by those priorities.
Part of getting the relationship back, will be having the right priorities in your life. “To love honor and cherish until death do us part” are not meaningless words unless you make them that way.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
denial of affairs, priorities and affairs, priorities and cheating, questions about affairs, Rebuilding the relationshipIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In the aftermath of an affair, it is common to experience self-doubt. After the shock of the news hits you, the world is suddenly different. You may wonder about what is ‘really’ true’ and what else is a lie. There is an unreal sense of everything around you. You may even find yourself questioning your own judgments and perceptions. The world that you were once able to make sense out of is now ‘unknowable’.
Such reactions are common. Your emotions may be running hot and cold. When you talk to your spouse, they may say and do things that leave you questioning your own sanity. What you once knew for sure, there are now many doubts about. What you thought you knew about your spouse, your life and your marriage are now all suddenly in confusion. During such times, it will be important to take life one day at a time. Rather than trying to make sense of tomorrow or next week, you will be better off making sense of today and making it through the day.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
aftermath of an affair, aftermath of cheating, depression and an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
If the advertising media are to be believed, anyone with big boobs or being well-endowed will insure happiness and pleasure throughout their days. The fantasy is that once these bodily changes are made that your life will improve. Such fantasies are unsubstantiated. The advertising fuels dissatisfaction with one’s body, and questions about one’s own body image and those of their spouse.
In order to reduce the danger of affairs it is important to realize that these ads are fueled by fantasies and that those fantasies are unrealistic. The whole presupposition is based on on a ’sex is the most important thing in life’ mentality. When we are sad or lonely, it is easy to fall prey to such thinking. Recognize that such thinking is dangerous to your mental health and to your marriage. Rather than seeking after the big boobs or big bulge that others have, the better course is to take the time, money and attention that were spent on such matters and redirect it to your marriage. Work at improving the relationship with your wife or husband. The largest sex organ is the brain and learning to point it in the right direction will do you more good than in the enhancement of other appendages.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
affairs and big boobs, affairs and big bulges, bog boobs, enhancement and happiness, enhancement products and marraige, Rebuilding the relationship, Reducing the RiskIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
An aspect of affairs that often leads to hair pulling arguments is “What is the definition of an affair?” The hairsplitting, and nit-picking detail finding that happens in many homes on this question would put a lawyer to shame. Questions arise as to whether to use the legal definition, the dictionary definition, or the Bible definition of an affair. The discussion also focuses on whether to call it adultery, cheating, an affair, an indiscretion, a mistake, a one-night stand, infidelity, or some other term. The argument often includes descriptions of whether an affair is the ‘act’ or the intent. There are also the arguments of whether it was an affair of the body or an affair of the heart.
Although some of the questions and points raised during these discussions are valid, many more are means of avoidance, doing mental gymnastics or trying to pin the SOB/Bitch down on their behavior (even good people often digress to name calling during such intense discussions).
When these discussions arise during my counseling, I often reframe the argument to ‘trust’ and whether or not their was a violation of trust. Whether or not they intended to breach that trust is of little consequence, although they often want a ‘gold star’ because their intentions were not malicious. When there is a ‘breach of trust’ for whatever reason, the couple needs to deal with that breach. Whether the breach consisted of secrets, virtual interactions, or something else, there was a breach that needs to be addressed. The boundaries of the relationship were encroached upon. In some cases, there may not have been an encroachment, but rather a jealous accusation, which itself is a type of encroachment and needs to be addressed.
By focusing on the ‘trust’ issue, and addressing the impact on the relationship the whole sticky definition of an affair becomes a moot point. This is also helpful during the rebuilding of the relationship. Rather than get caught up with definitions, focus on the emotional and relational effects of what occurred.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
cheating, definitions of an affair, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationship, trust, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In dealing with an affair, there will be times that you are attacked on a personal level. Since the very nature of an affair disrupts people on a personal level, they often say and do things that irritate others on a personal level as well. At times, the things they say are intentional and at other times, the statements are made without the intent to hurt. Even though they were not designed to hurt, since the speaker themselves is hurting on a personal level, the message will often be sent in such a manner as to communicate the deep intense hurt they feel. These messages are often sent in a manner that also irritates and disturbs us on a deep level.
What this amounts to is that there are times that the real message is in HOW they communicated their message to you. The spoken words are only a portion of the whole message communicated. Learning how to listen to the words and the message behind the words (i.e. HOW the message was communicated) is made more difficult during an affair, since the resolute spouse is often hurting as well. Attempts at communication often turns into an action-reaction, attack-attack back, You-hurt-me-so-I-will-hurt-you type of interaction. Learning how to disengage from such cycles of pain and hurt is difficult, but doable. It is important to listen to your spouse, both what they say and how they say it along with ‘not taking the message personally’. During this time, hurtful things are often said that are designed to push people away.
It would be nice if people could talk things out and fight fair. When the hurts are deep and emotional needs are in play, the fights become emotional volcanoes. They are often driven more by passion than logic. Recognize that this is part of what occurs in the aftermath of an affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
fighting after infidelity, fighting after the affair, Rebuilding the relationship, talking about your cheating, talking to your spouse about the affair, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
After discovering an affair, it is tempting for each spouse to ’speak their mind’ or ’speak the plain truth’ about how they view things. The feelings are often raw and the comments made are rough at best. Although it may temporarily feel better to let it all hang out, this is a time restraint and caution are needed. An important question to ask oneself during this time is “Will it bring healing?” If your comments will not bring healing to the relationship or yourself, then they are best not said. Many things could be said, but if they do nothing but bring destruction and hurt, you may want to think twice. Yes, honesty is the best policy, yet it is important to temper that honesty with love. What is said needs to focus on what will help the relationship, not destroy it!
As you address the issues and focus on rebuilding, remember to temper your ‘plain truth’ with love. The attitude behind what is said often communicates more than the words themselves. It may be the plain truth, but when it is not presented in love, will not be listened to in a positive way. When people are vulnerable, you are in a position to either build them up or demolish them.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
affairs and truth, communication, infidelity and truth, Rebuilding the relationship, speaking the truth, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
A difficult question to consider is whether or not serial marriages are any better than serial affairs. In the case of serial marriages, the parties involved attempted to have their relationships with all the legal authority and sanctity associated with marriage. They often experience less guilt than those involved with serial affairs. In each case, there are often trails of destroyed lives and dreams in their wake.A ‘love them and leave them’ mentality permeates both.
Although the social status of marriage makes the pain of broken promises more tolerable, these relationships often have many issues associated with fears of rejection, torn loyalties, doubts regarding trust and uncertainties regarding the commitment of the relationship. Very often the issues that split up the first marriages are carried over in the subsequent marriages and are often projected onto the spouses who ‘remind’ them of their exes.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
broken marriages, Rebuilding the relationship, serial affairs, serial marriages, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Stopping an extra-marital relationship takes more than making resolutions about it. Stopping the affair means ending the physical relationship and changing the emotional relationship. Once the affair is ended, it is not easy to leave that part of one’s life behind. It often takes a conscious effort to transform or change the feelings that you once had for that one’s lover. The needs they once met are now unmet and what they satisfied are now unsatisfied. The adjustment requires acknowledging the pain and then transforming it.
When the affair is ended on the physical level, but not severed emotionally or spiritually, it is only a matter of time before another affair (either of the body or heart) to occur. Working through the change process takes more than will power.
Choosing to end the affair is a good first step, but that is not the only step involved in stopping the pattern of affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
affairs, infidelity and resolutions, new years and cheaters, new years resloutions and affairs, Rebuilding the relationshipIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
The dating service known as “Ashley Madison” (they call themselves an agency) often advertises their services as “Life is Short, Have an Affair”. They even go so far as to offer a money back guarantee. With near 5 million members, there are many who have taken advantage of their offer. Although they advertise that those who take advantage of the offer will have ‘an affair to remember’ , the question arises as to “What do you do after Ashley Madison?” When the ‘affair to remember’ is over, how does one clean up the mess and pick up the pieces of their lives and families?
The affair will likely be something to remember, but how does one clean up the resulting nightmare. Although some couples have no problem with affairs, there are many that do have problems with the lying and disloyalty of an affair. For some, the whole affair experience amounts to being trapped into a lifestyle and a series of lies that they are desperate to escape from. If you are one of those who do not approve of affairs, or what to escape the lifestyle, there is hope. You can escape that trap. Although the affair may have been a horrid experience that leaves scars on the lives of everyone it touches, you can make changes to repair and improve your marriage. An affair does not have to mean the end of the marriage. It does mean that some major repair work is needed in the marriage relationship and within the lives of those impacted by the affair, including the adulterer. Find out what steps you can take now to pull out of that lifestyle at SurviveYourPartnersAffair.com .
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
affairs, Ashley Madison, cheating, cheating lifestyles, life is short have an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, Reducing the RiskIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
