One of the particularly challenging questions that often arises as couples take steps in repairing their marriage after an affair concerns the resolution spouse’s attitude. The attitude of the resolute spouse is critical to consider in looking  at the marriage. When the resolute spouse is angry, cold and distant, it would not inspire anyone to want to get close to them. Healthy intimacy involves the desire of wanting to join or be at one with their spouse. When the spouse is cold, angry and distant, there is little that someone would want to join with. In taking steps to regain your spouse and restore the intimacy, attitude is critical to consider. To rebuild the relationship, there needs to be something to attract your spouse back.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs and attitude, infidelity and attitude, Rebuilding the relationship, the importance of attitude in rebuilding the marriage

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Many times the signs and symptoms of an affair are visible. An expression in counseling is that “a person can not not communicate”. There are always signals and non-verbal signs of behaviors. There may be oddities that you notice in their behavior. Many spouses do not mention these items or question them but rather instead write them off as “a bad day”, “coincidence” or some other excuse. By ignoring these matters, it turns a blind eye to the affair. Instead of ignoring the signs, learn to ask questions. When your spouse distances themselves from you, be willing to ask them about it, instead of excusing it. If it were your teen and the issue was drug abuse you would look for warning signs. If it was cancer, you would look for warning signs, yet with affairs, the warning signs are often ignored. Instead of ignoring the truth, explore the truth.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Rebuilding the relationship, signs of an affair, signs of fooling around, signs of infidelity

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

In reading through articles concerning affairs, a complaint made by adulterers is the lack of resources available to them. I exclaimed to myself “Are they not looking?!” It surprised me that the concern was raised. After thinking about it, I realized that this is the kind of thinking that got them in this place anyways. They want a quick fix to the marriage that involves a minimal amount of effort. That is not going to happen. I know of several books that deal with that topic. Gary Smalley and Willard Harley have written some just to name a couple. You will need to repair the marriage, not just patch up the damage from the affair.

If they can not find one specifically for them, they can use one of the books to help the resolute spouse and do some reverse engineering if nothing else. They need to understand how it effects their spouse as well as themselves. The material is out there in terms of how to repair their marriage. They may have to look for it and find what works for them, but even the search is part of the healing process. “How badly to you want to heal your marriage?” is a question they need to consider.

The same article was expressing concern about how the therapists want them to admit the affair to their spouse. This information was expressed as a concern. I would be concerned if the therapist did not want to make them get honest about the affair.  Hiding secrets often gets us into worse problems than would occur if they were dealt with.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs, cheating, dealing with your cheating, healing for the adulterer, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, resources for the adulterer, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

In the aftermath of an affair, people do not think clearly. The difficulty thinking makes it especially challenging to identify key decision points.  One of those is “When should I leave?” If your physical safety is in danger, you need to leave. Although that seems simple, when a person has been traumatized, they do not think clearly on such topics. In their mind, bruises can heal and the choking does not get that bad, etc. Since emotions are so volatile in the aftermath of an affair, if there is any history of physical abuse toward you or from you, then questions about safety and leaving need to be asked.

If there has been physical abuse toward the children, you need to leave. This presents a significant safety issue. If such is occurring, you need to remove yourself and children from the situation immediately.  Abuse toward the pets or animals is also a glaring warning light that the situation is dangerous.

Safety is a prime concern. No emotional issues can be worked through if there is not an atmosphere of physical safety. Emotional and spiritual safety are also concerns, although they are worked through in different manners.

It is my hope that this helps you during this challenging time in your life.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

infidelity, leaving the relationship after an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, safety after an affair, Understanding Affairs, when to leave the relationship after an affair

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

One of the things I remember about the old television show, Mission:Impossible was how the message would self-destruct. I was reminded of this in dealing with some affair situations. Many times, after finding out about affairs, spouses will self-destruct on mental and emotional levels. This is often accomplished with the mantra “Why did he/she….?” They torment themselves trying to find the motivations and thinking of their adulterous spouse. Although on one level it appears rational to ask questions that explain what happened, in this case, such questions are ’self-destructive’. Since the adulterous spouse was often not thinking, but merely reacting, to spend hours trying to comprehend what they were thinking is an exercise in futility. Besides being mentally futile, it ties up your energies focusing on the past rather than facing the present or resolving the issues you are facing.

Persistently asking “why” questions also keeps the emotional issues stirred up. The stirring up of such emotions will keep the resolute spouse in a persistent state of agitation. Since the mind will find an answer or explanation to the questions it is asked, the why questions often become self-destructive due to the fact that they generate answers that often lay the blame on the person asking the question since they can’t find answers elsewhere.

Since adulterers often live a life of double standards and secrets, trying to comprehend and understand it in a consistent, coherent manner is not possible. The “why” questions posed turn into the tool of the spouses self-destruction. By obsessing onsuch questions, the resolute spouse turns themselves into a ‘basket case’, thus transforming the adulterer into a martyr who is justified in doing what they did, due to the fact that they live with a basket case spouse.

If you are wanting to overcome an affair, it is essential to your survival to avoid the why questions that bring with them self-destruction.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adulery, cheating, dealing with adultery, infidelity, questions after the affair, Rebuilding the relationship, self destructive behavior after an affair, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

This past weekend, I attended a wedding. It was the first one I had attended in several years. While listening to the ceremony, it struck me that many times couples forget what they promised on their wedding day. They forget the commitments made on their wedding day. Terms like “love, honor, cherish, loyal, obey” are used in the ceremony. Although the words are used, many couples just ‘go through the motions’ and do not stop to consider the seriousness of their vows. When you are up in front of the chapel, you and your spouse are making promises before God and a room full of witnesses. Breaking those promises amounts to violating a promise made to many more people than your spouse.

Couples forget the seriousness of the vows made. They forget the words spoken in those vows.  No one likes liars, especially those that do so on a large scale. The list of wedding guest is essentially a list of witnesses to the event. They saw you make your promises. Although they should endeavor to hold you to those vows, many in modern society do not recognize the significance of the wedding guest book. It is not just a record of who attended or sends their best regards, it is a list of those who witnesses the solemn ceremony. Although you may not remember much, the witnesses saw what you did and heard what you promised.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs and wedding vows, marriage and commitment, Rebuilding the relationship, significance of the wedding guests/witnesses, wedding vows

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

The Emotions of Your Spouse while Rebuilding Your Marriage

After the discovery of the affair, you and your spouse are still reeling from the effects of that traumatic experience. As such, it would be necessary to start talking about your situation and trying to minimize the damage to your marriage.

It’s not impossible to rebuild your marriage as long as both of you are committed to each other. After the initial hiccup of reconciliation though, you will need to look at the emotional needs of your spouse and meet those needs. In doing so, you’re in effect saying that you love your spouse and that he or she deserves the best treatment from you.

These emotional needs may vary. But the most general ones are the need to feel loved. In the simplest ways, you should show your love and support to your spouse. This is also an effective means of preventing another affair to happen. When you are satisfied with each other, it means that the possibility of affair is remote.

Knowing each other for many years does not necessarily mean that you’ve got each other figured out. Marriage is a continuous process of discovery and knowing. As such, you also need to discover ways to introduce surprise into your relationship. Such surprises can help keep the magic in your relationship.

If you have not truly paid attention to the emotions of your spouse before the affair, you should now. Being sensitive to emotions will be a great help in rebuilding a marriage. So if you are looking forward to rebuilding your marriage, you have to train your eyes, your ears and your sense to detect minute changes in your spouse’s emotions so that you would know how to deal with such emotional needs.

infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery after an affair, relationships, repairing the marriage relationship after an affair, Sexual addiction, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Bringing Back the Lost Passion in Your Marriage

People who engage in an affair often do so out of a misplaced longing for passion. The problem is, they pursue it outside of their marriage. When they do, they hurt themselves and their spouses who love them deeply. What they do not realize is that passion brings pain.

When you are newly married and excited with your spouse, the passion is there. You can sense it and people also recognize it. Yet, as time goes by and children come into your lives, bills pile up and unresolved issues become bigger. The passion dissipates and both of you are wondering where your marriage has gone to.

And then your spouse finds passion elsewhere. The affair becomes full-blown and you discover it. The result of course, is devastation, betrayal and anger. Suddenly, all sorts of emotions rush to you. Jealousy, anger, rage and even love intertwine inside your heart.

It was misplaced passion that took your spouse away. Learning how to deal with passion can also help restore your marriage.

But it takes time and it takes work. Hard work. Restoring passion to your marriage is not a one-person affair. You will need to work with your spouse. You need to communicate more often, talk about your plans, your goals and even your deepest fears. Such small talks can help you stoke the fires of your love and your passion.

As you go through this, the small things that you do will add up until your realize that your passion for each other is building up again. Just be patient. Love might not be enough but at least you are working for your marriage and that will help bring back the passion into your marriage.  

affairs, infidelity, passion, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from an affair, recovery from infidelity

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Turning Your Rage and Anger into Passion for Your Marriage

 

You’re angry. Bitter. Outraged!

 

And that is but normal for a person who has gone through the horrors of an affair. You feel the betrayal of your spouse and the way that your marriage vows were disregarded. But once the affair is over and you decide to stay together, you need to resolve your anger and turn your rage into passion for your marriage.

 

It is more easily said than done.

 

You should first recognize the symptoms of anger and rage before you allow them to control you. For one, you still react with utmost emotional passion whenever there is any reference to the affair. You ask your spouse about more details and you are not satisfied with the answers no matter what he tells you. You then feel a gnawing bitterness, which leads to depression. Then it turns to rage and anger.

 

When you realize that you are already falling into this anger cycle. Stop and listen. Don’t butt in when your spouse is speaking. Just listen. Allow your mind and your emotions to take control of your anger. This way, you are showing restraint and control against the rage and anger that could plunge your marriage into deeper trouble.

Don’t blame yourself, too, if you feel angry. It is a natural response. What you do with such anger is what matters. Why don’t you turn it into passion for your marriage instead? Replace your negative thoughts with positive ones that affirm your marriage. Showing sweetness to your spouse will also help your marriage recover.

If you are passionate about your marriage, your spouse will soon notice and will even reciprocate such passion. Show it through the little things. Cook for your spouse. Do the things you know will bring back the fire of love and of your marriage.

In due time, you will be able to recover from the affair and be more passionate with your marriage than ever before.

adultery and anger, affairs and anger, controlling the passion of rage, rage and infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Bring Back the Passion to Your Marriage after an Affair

 

One thing that would suffer during an affair is the passion in marriage. Slowly, the passion evaporates. You and your spouse just take each other for granted. Life goes on and then poof!

 

An affair happens, leaving you both in shock and your marriage in shambles.

 

Yet, your marriage is not too hopeless for saving. But both of you will need to work it out. You might see divorce as the only logical option but it is not. What you need to do is to recover your composure. Make sure that the affair is really over and you can start to bring back the passion in your marriage.

 

People fall in love for all sorts of reasons. What they don’t realize is that sometimes, love really isn’t always enough. There are bills to pay, there are negative character traits of your spouse that you have to live with and there are instances that you will have to elevate the quality of your love.  

 

An affair can rock the very foundations of your marriage. If both of you decides to stick it out and affirm your love, you need to do more than just staying together. You need to bring back the passion in your marriage.

 

You should grow together, do things together and really live together. Sometimes, it’s not the big things that strengthen your relationship. Rather, it is the small things. Going out on bicycles on a Sunday afternoon, fishing with your spouse, or just sipping coffee on the porch on a nice evening. This way, you can communicate better and you slowly bring back the passion in your marriage.

 

If you successfully do this, marriage will no longer be routine and predictable, you live with awe and wonder everyday of your life.

affairs, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from an affair

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!