Archive Page 2
In the recent devastation of Hurricane Ike and the subsequent recovery, I was reminded of the nature of recovery. Recovery takes time. Recovery is often uncomfortable, taking us way out of our comfort zones and to places that we never dreamed we would be. There are embarrassing questions and things that you would not discuss in public are now having to be discussed openly.
Once the information is out in the open, it does not mean that the problem is over or resolved. If anything, it only means that now it is dealt with publically. The recovery will take time. Even months after the pain of the affair is known, it takes months and years to recover from the pain. Each day the pain it fades a little, yet continues like an incessant aching. There are things that trigger more intense moments.
Best Regards
how long does it take to recover, infidelity recovery, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from an affair, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In the chaotic days after finding out about an affair, there is often a desire to ‘take revenge’ on the adulterer. Revenge does little to repair the relationship. When in the midst of pain, the thought of revenge is tempting. Taking revenge will inflict pain on one’s spouse, it will provide a release of negative emotions, but it will not bring healing. Revenge only brings more hurt. Fighting a hurt by inflicting more hurt is not good logic nor does it provide any emotional healing to the relationship.
The desire to inflict hurt takes on many shapes. There may be a desire to inflict physical pain, emotional pain or both. Punishing the adulterer, changes the focus to pain, rather than focusing on healing or relationship building.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
cheating and hurt, pain and infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, revenge and affairs, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
One question that often surprises couples is “do you want marriage counseling or divorce counseling?” Some couples show up at the counselor after an affair and have never considered the reason they were there. The question startles them, it wakes them up to the reality of what they are facing. It also serves to make it clear what the agenda each of them has. Some spouses only attend counseling to appease their guilt and get their partner off their case. When spouses are honest with each other about what they are “meeting with the counselor” for, the work can be more effective. Repairing a relationship, especially after an affair requires commitment. This commitment consists of whether or not they are wanting to do what it takes to make it work or whether there is a point where they give up. When the issues addressed take people outside of their comfort zones, many spouses jump ship and leave the counseling either physically or mentally.
“Do you want marriage counseling or divorce counseling?”
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs and divorce, cheating, divorce, marriage counseling, overcoming cheating, preventing divorce, Rebuilding the relationshipIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
One of the particularly challenging questions that often arises as couples take steps in repairing their marriage after an affair concerns the resolution spouse’s attitude. The attitude of the resolute spouse is critical to consider in looking at the marriage. When the resolute spouse is angry, cold and distant, it would not inspire anyone to want to get close to them. Healthy intimacy involves the desire of wanting to join or be at one with their spouse. When the spouse is cold, angry and distant, there is little that someone would want to join with. In taking steps to regain your spouse and restore the intimacy, attitude is critical to consider. To rebuild the relationship, there needs to be something to attract your spouse back.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs and attitude, infidelity and attitude, Rebuilding the relationship, the importance of attitude in rebuilding the marriageIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Many times the signs and symptoms of an affair are visible. An expression in counseling is that “a person can not not communicate”. There are always signals and non-verbal signs of behaviors. There may be oddities that you notice in their behavior. Many spouses do not mention these items or question them but rather instead write them off as “a bad day”, “coincidence” or some other excuse. By ignoring these matters, it turns a blind eye to the affair. Instead of ignoring the signs, learn to ask questions. When your spouse distances themselves from you, be willing to ask them about it, instead of excusing it. If it were your teen and the issue was drug abuse you would look for warning signs. If it was cancer, you would look for warning signs, yet with affairs, the warning signs are often ignored. Instead of ignoring the truth, explore the truth.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Rebuilding the relationship, signs of an affair, signs of fooling around, signs of infidelityIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In reading through articles concerning affairs, a complaint made by adulterers is the lack of resources available to them. I exclaimed to myself “Are they not looking?!” It surprised me that the concern was raised. After thinking about it, I realized that this is the kind of thinking that got them in this place anyways. They want a quick fix to the marriage that involves a minimal amount of effort. That is not going to happen. I know of several books that deal with that topic. Gary Smalley and Willard Harley have written some just to name a couple. You will need to repair the marriage, not just patch up the damage from the affair.
If they can not find one specifically for them, they can use one of the books to help the resolute spouse and do some reverse engineering if nothing else. They need to understand how it effects their spouse as well as themselves. The material is out there in terms of how to repair their marriage. They may have to look for it and find what works for them, but even the search is part of the healing process. “How badly to you want to heal your marriage?” is a question they need to consider.
The same article was expressing concern about how the therapists want them to admit the affair to their spouse. This information was expressed as a concern. I would be concerned if the therapist did not want to make them get honest about the affair. Hiding secrets often gets us into worse problems than would occur if they were dealt with.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, cheating, dealing with your cheating, healing for the adulterer, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, resources for the adulterer, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In the aftermath of an affair, people do not think clearly. The difficulty thinking makes it especially challenging to identify key decision points. One of those is “When should I leave?” If your physical safety is in danger, you need to leave. Although that seems simple, when a person has been traumatized, they do not think clearly on such topics. In their mind, bruises can heal and the choking does not get that bad, etc. Since emotions are so volatile in the aftermath of an affair, if there is any history of physical abuse toward you or from you, then questions about safety and leaving need to be asked.
If there has been physical abuse toward the children, you need to leave. This presents a significant safety issue. If such is occurring, you need to remove yourself and children from the situation immediately. Abuse toward the pets or animals is also a glaring warning light that the situation is dangerous.
Safety is a prime concern. No emotional issues can be worked through if there is not an atmosphere of physical safety. Emotional and spiritual safety are also concerns, although they are worked through in different manners.
It is my hope that this helps you during this challenging time in your life.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
infidelity, leaving the relationship after an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, safety after an affair, Understanding Affairs, when to leave the relationship after an affairIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
One of the things I remember about the old television show, Mission:Impossible was how the message would self-destruct. I was reminded of this in dealing with some affair situations. Many times, after finding out about affairs, spouses will self-destruct on mental and emotional levels. This is often accomplished with the mantra “Why did he/she….?” They torment themselves trying to find the motivations and thinking of their adulterous spouse. Although on one level it appears rational to ask questions that explain what happened, in this case, such questions are ’self-destructive’. Since the adulterous spouse was often not thinking, but merely reacting, to spend hours trying to comprehend what they were thinking is an exercise in futility. Besides being mentally futile, it ties up your energies focusing on the past rather than facing the present or resolving the issues you are facing.
Persistently asking “why” questions also keeps the emotional issues stirred up. The stirring up of such emotions will keep the resolute spouse in a persistent state of agitation. Since the mind will find an answer or explanation to the questions it is asked, the why questions often become self-destructive due to the fact that they generate answers that often lay the blame on the person asking the question since they can’t find answers elsewhere.
Since adulterers often live a life of double standards and secrets, trying to comprehend and understand it in a consistent, coherent manner is not possible. The “why” questions posed turn into the tool of the spouses self-destruction. By obsessing onsuch questions, the resolute spouse turns themselves into a ‘basket case’, thus transforming the adulterer into a martyr who is justified in doing what they did, due to the fact that they live with a basket case spouse.
If you are wanting to overcome an affair, it is essential to your survival to avoid the why questions that bring with them self-destruction.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adulery, cheating, dealing with adultery, infidelity, questions after the affair, Rebuilding the relationship, self destructive behavior after an affair, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
This past weekend, I attended a wedding. It was the first one I had attended in several years. While listening to the ceremony, it struck me that many times couples forget what they promised on their wedding day. They forget the commitments made on their wedding day. Terms like “love, honor, cherish, loyal, obey” are used in the ceremony. Although the words are used, many couples just ‘go through the motions’ and do not stop to consider the seriousness of their vows. When you are up in front of the chapel, you and your spouse are making promises before God and a room full of witnesses. Breaking those promises amounts to violating a promise made to many more people than your spouse.
Couples forget the seriousness of the vows made. They forget the words spoken in those vows. No one likes liars, especially those that do so on a large scale. The list of wedding guest is essentially a list of witnesses to the event. They saw you make your promises. Although they should endeavor to hold you to those vows, many in modern society do not recognize the significance of the wedding guest book. It is not just a record of who attended or sends their best regards, it is a list of those who witnesses the solemn ceremony. Although you may not remember much, the witnesses saw what you did and heard what you promised.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs and wedding vows, marriage and commitment, Rebuilding the relationship, significance of the wedding guests/witnesses, wedding vowsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
The Emotions of Your Spouse while Rebuilding Your Marriage
After the discovery of the affair, you and your spouse are still reeling from the effects of that traumatic experience. As such, it would be necessary to start talking about your situation and trying to minimize the damage to your marriage.
It’s not impossible to rebuild your marriage as long as both of you are committed to each other. After the initial hiccup of reconciliation though, you will need to look at the emotional needs of your spouse and meet those needs. In doing so, you’re in effect saying that you love your spouse and that he or she deserves the best treatment from you.
These emotional needs may vary. But the most general ones are the need to feel loved. In the simplest ways, you should show your love and support to your spouse. This is also an effective means of preventing another affair to happen. When you are satisfied with each other, it means that the possibility of affair is remote.
Knowing each other for many years does not necessarily mean that you’ve got each other figured out. Marriage is a continuous process of discovery and knowing. As such, you also need to discover ways to introduce surprise into your relationship. Such surprises can help keep the magic in your relationship.
If you have not truly paid attention to the emotions of your spouse before the affair, you should now. Being sensitive to emotions will be a great help in rebuilding a marriage. So if you are looking forward to rebuilding your marriage, you have to train your eyes, your ears and your sense to detect minute changes in your spouse’s emotions so that you would know how to deal with such emotional needs.
infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery after an affair, relationships, repairing the marriage relationship after an affair, Sexual addiction, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
