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Although the question “What’s so bad about sleeping around?” is viewed as a “duh?” type of question in some parts of the county, I recognize that there are many people who actually do not see problems with the practice. There are also some spouses that are caught up in swinging to the point they see it as acceptable. There are some parts of the country that view a counselor working to save marriages from affairs as a novelty. So for the sake of those people, I will spell out the answer to this question.

Affairs (sleeping around) are destructive to marriages. Contrary to the advice of Ashely Madison and others, they do not enhance the marriage.

1. It creates an environment of distrust.

2. It creates potential exposure to disease.

3. It creates emotional confusion.

4. It weakens the bonds of the marriage relationship.

5. It weakens the bonds of the parent-child relationship.

6. It creates spiritual and emotional dissonance.

7. It damages reputations.

8. It creates an environment conducive to lying.

9. It creates a massive double standard in many areas of the persons life.

10. It creates exposure to blackmail.

11. It creates unnatural bonding and emotional attachments.

12.  It is financially expensive

13. It enlarges legal exposure.

14. It lends itself to creating an atmosphere of gratification without responsibility.

15. It is often life threatening.

These are some of the major concerns involved in what is so bad about sleeping around. You can do something about it though. Obtain a copy of the Affair Recovery System and begin the process of healing your marriage. Each day you do not heal or strengthen your marriage, you weaken it.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

recovery from an affair, recovery from cheating, recovery from swinging, swingers, Understanding Affairs

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Many spouses live in fear that what happened could occur again. That fear is so real that they often react emotionally as if it was happening in the ‘here and now’ (e.g. present tense). The tendency to live in the future rather than the present can be a nightmare. Those living in the future often find their lives filled with fear and reactivity. Although planning for the future and living in the future may be good for business, it is not the best choice for relationships. Many times what you are doing and saying now in your relationship is more important than all kinds of promises that you make for the future. The positive intentions have their place. In terms of healing the relationship, spouses will look for what you are doing NOW. They want to know that you love them and are committed to them today. Commitments to the future of the relationships are good, yet doing something now is better.

For those living in the fear of “What if they do it again?”, you will need to shift your question to “”What can I do to prevent it now?”  or “What can I do to improve things now?” or “How can I reduce the possibility that it will happen again?”  These are subtle changes, yet will lead to profound results in terms of reducing the fear and living life in the present.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery relapse, affair relapse, cheating, fears of affair relapse, infidelity relapse, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from an affair, Understanding Affairs

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One of the issues that complicates recovery from an affair, is when there are other issues with recovery. When a person is struggling with addiction to alcohol or drugs, the pain of an affair is even more difficult to deal with. In such populations, the agenda is often one of avoiding pain, rather than facing it.

The avoidance of pain for such populations becomes a way of life. With any crisis, including the affair, the standard method of coping is to drug/drink. Recovery from addiction is hard enough without having to deal with an affair. Resorting to the bottle or pills may numb the pain, but it does nothing in terms of helping one get through the pain or what caused the pain in the first place.

Learn to work through the pain. Although it may seem overwhelming, it will need to be faced and overcome. When a position or attitude of hopelessness sets in, there is a loss of motivation that occurs. It is important to keep up hope and work through the pain rather than giving in to it. Avoiding issues and pain is what led to the affair in the first place. Using the same technique as a way to cope with the affair is an excercise in futility.

Keep a clear head, you will need it for the days ahead.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

alcohol and affairs, alcohol and cheating, drug abuse and affairs, recovery from addiction and an affair, recovery from an affair, Understanding Affairs

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In the recent devastation of Hurricane Ike and the subsequent recovery, I was reminded of the nature of recovery. Recovery takes time. Recovery is often uncomfortable, taking us way out of our comfort zones and to places that we never dreamed we would be. There are embarrassing questions and things that you would not discuss in public are now having to be discussed openly.

Once the information is out in the open, it does not mean that the problem is over or resolved. If anything, it only means that now it is dealt with publically. The recovery will take time. Even months after the pain of the affair is known, it takes months and years to recover from the pain. Each day the pain it fades a little, yet continues like an incessant aching. There are things that trigger more intense moments.

Best Regards

how long does it take to recover, infidelity recovery, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from an affair, Understanding Affairs

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Bringing Back the Lost Passion in Your Marriage

People who engage in an affair often do so out of a misplaced longing for passion. The problem is, they pursue it outside of their marriage. When they do, they hurt themselves and their spouses who love them deeply. What they do not realize is that passion brings pain.

When you are newly married and excited with your spouse, the passion is there. You can sense it and people also recognize it. Yet, as time goes by and children come into your lives, bills pile up and unresolved issues become bigger. The passion dissipates and both of you are wondering where your marriage has gone to.

And then your spouse finds passion elsewhere. The affair becomes full-blown and you discover it. The result of course, is devastation, betrayal and anger. Suddenly, all sorts of emotions rush to you. Jealousy, anger, rage and even love intertwine inside your heart.

It was misplaced passion that took your spouse away. Learning how to deal with passion can also help restore your marriage.

But it takes time and it takes work. Hard work. Restoring passion to your marriage is not a one-person affair. You will need to work with your spouse. You need to communicate more often, talk about your plans, your goals and even your deepest fears. Such small talks can help you stoke the fires of your love and your passion.

As you go through this, the small things that you do will add up until your realize that your passion for each other is building up again. Just be patient. Love might not be enough but at least you are working for your marriage and that will help bring back the passion into your marriage.  

affairs, infidelity, passion, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from an affair, recovery from infidelity

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Bring Back the Passion to Your Marriage after an Affair

One thing that would suffer during an affair is the passion in marriage. Slowly, the passion evaporates. You and your spouse just take each other for granted. Life goes on and then poof!

An affair happens, leaving you both in shock and your marriage in shambles.

Yet, your marriage is not too hopeless for saving. But both of you will need to work it out. You might see divorce as the only logical option but it is not. What you need to do is to recover your composure. Make sure that the affair is really over and you can start to bring back the passion in your marriage.

People fall in love for all sorts of reasons. What they don’t realize is that sometimes, love really isn’t always enough. There are bills to pay, there are negative character traits of your spouse that you have to live with and there are instances that you will have to elevate the quality of your love.  

An affair can rock the very foundations of your marriage. If both of you decides to stick it out and affirm your love, you need to do more than just staying together. You need to bring back the passion in your marriage.

You should grow together, do things together and really live together. Sometimes, it’s not the big things that strengthen your relationship. Rather, it is the small things. Going out on bicycles on a Sunday afternoon, fishing with your spouse, or just sipping coffee on the porch on a nice evening. This way, you can communicate better and you slowly bring back the passion in your marriage.

If you successfully do this, marriage will no longer be routine and predictable, you live with awe and wonder everyday of your life.

affairs, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from an affair

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In checking my e-mails, I was accosted by the usual assortment of ads promising how my love life will totally turn around with someone’s product. Like Superman, I will last longer, be bigger, make her happier, etc. It hit me that many people actually believe these myths. If that pill and the sexual fireworks are all it takes to make her worship me then I do not have to deal with emotions or any relationship building stuff. The pill manages to take all responsibility away from me.

Many affairs have some kernel of that myth within them as well. The fantasy that “everything will improve with great sex”  or that “great sex fixes everything” creates an unrealistic marriage environment. Such thinking places added emphasis on sexual activity. When sex becomes the primary motivator, then the likelihood of affairs increases. Any marital security lies not with commitment or love, but rather with your most recent performance.

Rebuilding the marriage requires house cleaning concerning such myths. The equation that marital satisfaction=sexual performance will need to be dispelled. Yes, there will need to be sex, but not as the primary emphasis around which everything else is based. People need security, they need commitment, they need connection, they need communication, they need more than what sex alone can provide.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, dealing with adultery, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, recovering from adultery, recovery from an affair, sexual enhancing drugs, sexual performance and affairs, Understanding Affairs

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