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Like peanut butter and jelly, affairs and gossip often go hand in hand. The danger with gossip is that in situations where an affair did not happen, gossip can make it appear as if there was one. Gossip can create an affair out of thin air. It can create a compromising situation where none existed before.

On hearing news of an affair, it is important to consider the source and what was actually said. One of the things that leads to gossip (besides jealousy) is poor listening. When people do not listen closely, they do not hear what is being said clearly. The message that was only half-heard is then ’shared’ with others, leading to mis-communication. As simple as it sounds, just listening to what the facts are and what actually was said often helps. Rather than jump to conclusions or using words with double-meanings, listen to what was actually said and CONSIDER the source. Oftentimes the person who is the source of the material has issues. Those issues will need to be considered in the context of the gossip. Consider “What reason would they have to tell me this?” , “How do they benefit from this?”, “Do they have a reputation for telling the truth?”, “Have they spread rumors before?”

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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In posing the question, as to whether a person is vulnerable to infidelity, the short answer is “yes!“. In many ways, everyone is a potential infidel. No one is immune from an affair. The longer and more detailed answer also provides some insights. There are some common attributes that increase the susceptibility of one toward having an affair. These items include:

1. Lack of self-confidence

2. Has unment emotional needs.

3. Has a desire or need to be in control.

4. Has been disappointed with intimate relationships.

5. Feels hopeless.

6. Is tired (physically, emotionally or spiritually)

7. Is in pain (physically, emotionally or spiritually)

8. Lives an ‘overextended’, overcommitted or stretched lifestyle.

9. Has an addictive personality, that always needs or craves stimulation.

10. Often fantasizes about affairs.

These are 10 of the qualities which make a person more vulnerable to affairs. There are more factors, yet these ten communicate the basic ideas.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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If the advertising media are to be believed, anyone with big boobs or being well-endowed will insure happiness and pleasure throughout their days. The fantasy is that once these bodily changes are made that your life will improve. Such fantasies are unsubstantiated. The advertising fuels dissatisfaction with one’s body, and questions about one’s own body image and those of their spouse.

In order to reduce the danger of affairs it is important to realize that these ads are fueled by fantasies and that those fantasies are unrealistic. The whole presupposition is based on on a ’sex is the most important thing in life’ mentality. When we are sad or lonely, it is easy to fall prey to such thinking. Recognize that such thinking is dangerous to your mental health and to your marriage. Rather than seeking after the big boobs or big bulge that others have, the better course is to take the time, money and attention that were spent on such matters and redirect it to your marriage. Work at improving the relationship with your wife or husband. The largest sex organ is the brain and learning to point it in the right direction will do you more good than in the enhancement of other appendages.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Stalkers, like other control game freaks, often want more and more control. In some cases that stalker gains enough power over the victim to where there is a blackmail situation. The fear of the secrets getting out is so great that people are put into compromising situations. Secrets often go hand in hand with affairs. The more powerful the secret, the more exciting the affair. When a stalker has control, they have managed to leverage the power of the secret and use that power to exploit the victim. In some cases, the information may be a threat to expose the affair. In other cases, the victim is exploited into having an affair with the stalker. Either way, the effects are devastating.

One of the dangers of blackmail is that is seldom ever ends. The secret continues being used to leverage more. More sex, more money, more secrets, the cycle never ends. Those people with more money, popularity, etc  are more vulnerable to stalkers who want to leverage what they have learned. Whatever their motives, they use fear as a powerful motivation to manipulate the victim. I have also seen this used with persons caught up in the sex trade and swingers lifestyle who wish to leave, yet are trapped by threats of being exposed or used against them in divorce courts.

It is not beyond stalkers and blackmailers to set up traps for their victims. They often operate on a hunting-type mentality that seeks to ensnare and exploit their prey. They are not interested in loving them, only in using them. If you are in one of these situations, it is important that you come up with an escape plan and do it quickly. These situations do not improve over time, they only worsen and the stakes grown greater.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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How does one deal with stalkers?

Stalkers are not often amenable to logic of discussing things rationally. Since they are often driven by emotions, the use of rational thinking with them is of limited use. You may feel better by trying to talk rationally with them, but it will do little to change their behaviors. In dealing with such people, you will need to stop the nice guy/nice girl approach.

1. Set firm limits. You need boundaries that are firm and clear. This is important for you and to send a message to the stalker. Know what you will and will not tolerate.

2. Be willing to call the police or other agency in maintaining your boundaries.

3. Limit your contact and communication with them. When you do communicate, limit it to one word ‘yes’ or ‘no’ responses. They will often attempt to engage you in interactions. Resist the temptation to explain yourself or elaborate on your communications.

4. It is better to be safe than sorry. With this in mind, use precautions when you travel.  Debug your computer and phones.  If necessary, do not travel alone or venture into high risk situations.

5. Find friend who you can talk to about what is happening. At times you may feel trapped if you do not use your friends and relationships to cope with what is occurring. Stalkers often want their victim to feel isolated and alone. It is important to stay engaged in relationships with your support system.

6. Let go of the idea that you ‘need’ to talk with them.

7. Be firm in saying ‘no’. No needs to mean no.

These are some simple guidelines that will help you deal with stalkers.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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My sons made me aware of the term ‘facebook stalking’. One can not deal with the issue of stalking without addressing facebook. There are many types of stalking that occurs in conjunction with facebook.

When an affair is suspected, the resolute spouse may ’stalk’ the infidel by using facebook. By reading through posts on the wall and other areas of facebook, they are looking for evidence of what they already suspect. Another sign that raises suspicions is when one’s spouse is denied access to the facebook profile or that the suspected spouse has a secondary facebook account. Already facebook is being mentioned in 20% of divorces filed, which is a concerning trend.

Another type is when one spouse is contemplating an affair and begins searching facebook for old flames. Facebook makes connection with old flames or even new ones much easier. The ability to search for people around the world puts many old flames within easy reach. Facebook also makes it easy to connect with someone who is looking for action. Although facebook is the social media which is most frequently mentioned, the other social media sites of MySpace, twitter and the like are also popular for people looking for hook-ups. There are also social media sites which are totally dedicated to hooking up for ‘discreet’ relations.

There are also those who use the social media sites to stalk their victim for other purposes. Rather than seeking to hook-up, they may be seeking revenge or something else. Old flames who were obsessive when you knew them may be looking for you or someone you know. People from your past that you wanted to burn bridges with may now be using the social media sites to reconstruct those old bridges.  Information concerning phone numbers addresses, job information are all readily available. It shocked me how easy it was to do such searches.

On a whim, I tested this out by looking up an old girlfriend. I was amazed at how I found her address, phone number, GPS coordinate, photos of her home, information on how many children she had, etc., etc. Such information may not lead to an affair, although embarrassing and  uncomfortable situation may arise from them. I also had the experience of old acquaintances posting photos that led to unpleasant question arise from social media. Sometimes, the uncomfortable situations and questions are more painful than an affair itself. In previous generations, past behaviors and acquaintances could be easily forgotten. With the internet, all the information is available depending on a persons ability to know where to look. This new power is a boon to suspicious spouses looking for evidence and also to wayward spouses looking for hook ups. This new power also means that people will need to be more discreet and realize that they never know who is looking over their shoulders.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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The dating service known as “Ashley Madison” (they call themselves an agency) often advertises their services as “Life is Short, Have an Affair”.  They even go so far as to offer a money back guarantee.  With near 5 million members, there are many who have taken advantage of their offer. Although they advertise that those who take advantage of the offer will have ‘an affair to remember’ , the question arises as to “What do you do after Ashley Madison?” When the ‘affair to remember’ is over, how does one clean up the mess and pick up the pieces of their lives and families?

The affair will likely be something to remember, but how does one clean up the resulting nightmare. Although some couples have no problem with affairs, there are many that do have problems with the lying and disloyalty of an affair. For some, the whole affair experience amounts to being trapped into a lifestyle and a series of lies that they are desperate to escape from. If you are one of those who do not approve of affairs, or what to escape the lifestyle, there is hope. You can escape that trap. Although the affair may have been a horrid experience that leaves scars on the lives of everyone it touches, you can make changes to repair and improve your marriage. An affair does not have to mean the end of the marriage. It does mean that some major repair work is needed in the marriage relationship and within the lives of those impacted by the affair, including the adulterer.   Find out what steps you can take now to pull out of that lifestyle at SurviveYourPartnersAffair.com .

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Whenever loyalties are mixed, there are potential problems. Mixed loyalties are one of the major source of problems in blended families. Mixed loyalties are also a major source of problems with affairs. The mixed loyalty issue is easily seen when the adulterer (or adultress)  is torn between their lover and their spouse. The mixed loyalties at that point are the inspiration for such terms as ‘home wrecker’ used in referring to the infidel or their lover. Although that is where the loyalty issue is seen, that is often not where it starts. infidels often make choices concerning their loyalties long before they are torn between their lover and their spouse. Although they may seem to be little choices at the time, the choices become a pattern where that culminated in the affair. These choices started when they quit placing their spouse as #1 in their hearts. When the choice is made to move the spouse out of their preeminent someone or something soon comes along to fill that position.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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One of the dangerous mindsets that spell disaster in the aftermath of affairs is “all or none” type of thinking. With such a mindset, one of the spouses assumes a demanding posture where they insist that the wayfaring spouse be 100% in the marriage or ‘get out’.  Along with the 100% commitment, that spouse often includes hidden demands of a sexual nature as well. This type of thinking forces the other spouse to be thrown into a relationship with their partner rather than wanting to be in the relationship. It creates a situation where the marriage is held together by needs and threats rather than commitment, compassion and love. The “All or None” mindset often forces people’s hands into the relationship. Yes, they may decide to stay in the relationship, but that does not mean that their heart is committed to relationship. Demanding that your spouse do things may initially get you what you want, yet in the long run, it alienates them from you.

In the aftermath of an affair, what is needed is understanding, NOT making demands that often carry with them veiled threats.

If you want to know about other behaviors and mindsets to avoid, you will find more in the “Affair Recovery System”. Learning what NOT to do can help you avoid costly mistakes that often have large emotional and financial price tags.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Not all Mother-in-Laws are evil. Some are very wonderful people who are filled with love, hope and encouragement. Although not all are evil, some are. I have to address the topic since a Mother-in-Law is in a unique position to encourage or devastate a marriage. I have encountered some MIL who keep photos of their child’s former girlfriends/boyfriends displayed in the home. Such actions keep the memories or ghost of former lovers alive, rather than allowing them to die a timely death. There are some who spread rumors of affairs which makes any kind of healing more difficult than it needs to be. Some even work to create situations that foster affairs. Going to such extremes as giving out phone numbers and arranging dates for the disliked spouse of their child. Although they may not see eye to eye with their child’s spouse, such actions are evil. The fruit of such actions are detrimental to the whole family. It is akin to poisoning the family water supply. Yes, she may poison the disliked spouse, but her actions, rumors and hate mongering destroys the fabric of the family itself.

I have also seen the passive destruction where the mother plants seeds of doubt, and insinuates affairs are going on. When they are not insinuating affairs, they are making statements about how the disliked spouse is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for their child. Such MIL’s never pass up a chance to take a dig or launch an insult that comes their way. Such people work around the clock to tear down and destroy their child’s marriage. They often lay awake at night considering what new plan they can put into play. It is as if they can not sleep until they do something devious.

The destruction is made worse by how such evil MIL’s profess love and adoration for their child, while working the whole time to undermine their child’s marriage. The confused messages of love and hate are contradictory and confusing to deal with. Evil MIL’s make recovery from affairs difficult if not an insurmountable task.

Some of the things that you can do to limit their evil work:

1. Set and enforce clear boundaries

2. Do not tell them any information which they can misuse

3. Do not give them addresses, phone numbers or email addresses of your friends

4. Talk to your spouse about the need for clear boundaries and how it will strengthen your own marriage

5. Do not accept the guilt trips thrown at you

6. Learn to recognize and avoid traps the MIL sets for you

7. Approach each family get together with caution

8. Holidays are especially vicious. Be prepared for them to try something.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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