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How does one deal with stalkers?

Stalkers are not often amenable to logic of discussing things rationally. Since they are often driven by emotions, the use of rational thinking with them is of limited use. You may feel better by trying to talk rationally with them, but it will do little to change their behaviors. In dealing with such people, you will need to stop the nice guy/nice girl approach.

1. Set firm limits. You need boundaries that are firm and clear. This is important for you and to send a message to the stalker. Know what you will and will not tolerate.

2. Be willing to call the police or other agency in maintaining your boundaries.

3. Limit your contact and communication with them. When you do communicate, limit it to one word ‘yes’ or ‘no’ responses. They will often attempt to engage you in interactions. Resist the temptation to explain yourself or elaborate on your communications.

4. It is better to be safe than sorry. With this in mind, use precautions when you travel.  Debug your computer and phones.  If necessary, do not travel alone or venture into high risk situations.

5. Find friend who you can talk to about what is happening. At times you may feel trapped if you do not use your friends and relationships to cope with what is occurring. Stalkers often want their victim to feel isolated and alone. It is important to stay engaged in relationships with your support system.

6. Let go of the idea that you ‘need’ to talk with them.

7. Be firm in saying ‘no’. No needs to mean no.

These are some simple guidelines that will help you deal with stalkers.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

boundaries and affairs, dealing with stalkers, Reducing the Risk, stalkers and affairs, stalking lovers, Understanding Affairs

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My sons made me aware of the term ‘facebook stalking’. One can not deal with the issue of stalking without addressing facebook. There are many types of stalking that occurs in conjunction with facebook.

When an affair is suspected, the resolute spouse may ’stalk’ the infidel by using facebook. By reading through posts on the wall and other areas of facebook, they are looking for evidence of what they already suspect. Another sign that raises suspicions is when one’s spouse is denied access to the facebook profile or that the suspected spouse has a secondary facebook account. Already facebook is being mentioned in 20% of divorces filed, which is a concerning trend.

Another type is when one spouse is contemplating an affair and begins searching facebook for old flames. Facebook makes connection with old flames or even new ones much easier. The ability to search for people around the world puts many old flames within easy reach. Facebook also makes it easy to connect with someone who is looking for action. Although facebook is the social media which is most frequently mentioned, the other social media sites of MySpace, twitter and the like are also popular for people looking for hook-ups. There are also social media sites which are totally dedicated to hooking up for ‘discreet’ relations.

There are also those who use the social media sites to stalk their victim for other purposes. Rather than seeking to hook-up, they may be seeking revenge or something else. Old flames who were obsessive when you knew them may be looking for you or someone you know. People from your past that you wanted to burn bridges with may now be using the social media sites to reconstruct those old bridges.  Information concerning phone numbers addresses, job information are all readily available. It shocked me how easy it was to do such searches.

On a whim, I tested this out by looking up an old girlfriend. I was amazed at how I found her address, phone number, GPS coordinate, photos of her home, information on how many children she had, etc., etc. Such information may not lead to an affair, although embarrassing and  uncomfortable situation may arise from them. I also had the experience of old acquaintances posting photos that led to unpleasant question arise from social media. Sometimes, the uncomfortable situations and questions are more painful than an affair itself. In previous generations, past behaviors and acquaintances could be easily forgotten. With the internet, all the information is available depending on a persons ability to know where to look. This new power is a boon to suspicious spouses looking for evidence and also to wayward spouses looking for hook ups. This new power also means that people will need to be more discreet and realize that they never know who is looking over their shoulders.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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The dating service known as “Ashley Madison” (they call themselves an agency) often advertises their services as “Life is Short, Have an Affair”.  They even go so far as to offer a money back guarantee.  With near 5 million members, there are many who have taken advantage of their offer. Although they advertise that those who take advantage of the offer will have ‘an affair to remember’ , the question arises as to “What do you do after Ashley Madison?” When the ‘affair to remember’ is over, how does one clean up the mess and pick up the pieces of their lives and families?

The affair will likely be something to remember, but how does one clean up the resulting nightmare. Although some couples have no problem with affairs, there are many that do have problems with the lying and disloyalty of an affair. For some, the whole affair experience amounts to being trapped into a lifestyle and a series of lies that they are desperate to escape from. If you are one of those who do not approve of affairs, or what to escape the lifestyle, there is hope. You can escape that trap. Although the affair may have been a horrid experience that leaves scars on the lives of everyone it touches, you can make changes to repair and improve your marriage. An affair does not have to mean the end of the marriage. It does mean that some major repair work is needed in the marriage relationship and within the lives of those impacted by the affair, including the adulterer.   Find out what steps you can take now to pull out of that lifestyle at SurviveYourPartnersAffair.com .

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

affairs, Ashley Madison, cheating, cheating lifestyles, life is short have an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, Reducing the Risk

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Whenever loyalties are mixed, there are potential problems. Mixed loyalties are one of the major source of problems in blended families. Mixed loyalties are also a major source of problems with affairs. The mixed loyalty issue is easily seen when the adulterer (or adultress)  is torn between their lover and their spouse. The mixed loyalties at that point are the inspiration for such terms as ‘home wrecker’ used in referring to the infidel or their lover. Although that is where the loyalty issue is seen, that is often not where it starts. infidels often make choices concerning their loyalties long before they are torn between their lover and their spouse. Although they may seem to be little choices at the time, the choices become a pattern where that culminated in the affair. These choices started when they quit placing their spouse as #1 in their hearts. When the choice is made to move the spouse out of their preeminent someone or something soon comes along to fill that position.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

loyalty and affairs, loyalty and cheating, Reducing the Risk, relationships and cheating, Understanding Affairs

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One of the dangerous mindsets that spell disaster in the aftermath of affairs is “all or none” type of thinking. With such a mindset, one of the spouses assumes a demanding posture where they insist that the wayfaring spouse be 100% in the marriage or ‘get out’.  Along with the 100% commitment, that spouse often includes hidden demands of a sexual nature as well. This type of thinking forces the other spouse to be thrown into a relationship with their partner rather than wanting to be in the relationship. It creates a situation where the marriage is held together by needs and threats rather than commitment, compassion and love. The “All or None” mindset often forces people’s hands into the relationship. Yes, they may decide to stay in the relationship, but that does not mean that their heart is committed to relationship. Demanding that your spouse do things may initially get you what you want, yet in the long run, it alienates them from you.

In the aftermath of an affair, what is needed is understanding, NOT making demands that often carry with them veiled threats.

If you want to know about other behaviors and mindsets to avoid, you will find more in the “Affair Recovery System”. Learning what NOT to do can help you avoid costly mistakes that often have large emotional and financial price tags.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

making demands on your spouse after an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from affairs, recovery from cheating, Reducing the Risk

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Not all Mother-in-Laws are evil. Some are very wonderful people who are filled with love, hope and encouragement. Although not all are evil, some are. I have to address the topic since a Mother-in-Law is in a unique position to encourage or devastate a marriage. I have encountered some MIL who keep photos of their child’s former girlfriends/boyfriends displayed in the home. Such actions keep the memories or ghost of former lovers alive, rather than allowing them to die a timely death. There are some who spread rumors of affairs which makes any kind of healing more difficult than it needs to be. Some even work to create situations that foster affairs. Going to such extremes as giving out phone numbers and arranging dates for the disliked spouse of their child. Although they may not see eye to eye with their child’s spouse, such actions are evil. The fruit of such actions are detrimental to the whole family. It is akin to poisoning the family water supply. Yes, she may poison the disliked spouse, but her actions, rumors and hate mongering destroys the fabric of the family itself.

I have also seen the passive destruction where the mother plants seeds of doubt, and insinuates affairs are going on. When they are not insinuating affairs, they are making statements about how the disliked spouse is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for their child. Such MIL’s never pass up a chance to take a dig or launch an insult that comes their way. Such people work around the clock to tear down and destroy their child’s marriage. They often lay awake at night considering what new plan they can put into play. It is as if they can not sleep until they do something devious.

The destruction is made worse by how such evil MIL’s profess love and adoration for their child, while working the whole time to undermine their child’s marriage. The confused messages of love and hate are contradictory and confusing to deal with. Evil MIL’s make recovery from affairs difficult if not an insurmountable task.

Some of the things that you can do to limit their evil work:

1. Set and enforce clear boundaries

2. Do not tell them any information which they can misuse

3. Do not give them addresses, phone numbers or email addresses of your friends

4. Talk to your spouse about the need for clear boundaries and how it will strengthen your own marriage

5. Do not accept the guilt trips thrown at you

6. Learn to recognize and avoid traps the MIL sets for you

7. Approach each family get together with caution

8. Holidays are especially vicious. Be prepared for them to try something.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

evil, meddling mother in laws, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from affairs and mother in laws, recovery from cheating and mother in laws, Reducing the Risk, satan and your marriage, satan wants your marriage to fail, Understanding Affairs

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Jennifer refused the advances of a married man who approached her. He was persistent in his advances, but she remained firm and said “NO”. After the incident, she occasionally saw the man. She tried to be decent with him, but he always managed to twist matters. he often stared at her, which made her feel uncomfortable. As Jennifer put it, “He creeped me out!”

Jennifer then began to avoid him. He began stalking her by getting to know her friends, making malicious posts on social network sites and generally making her look like a slut. He often drove by her work place and home, he seemed to be everywhere.

Jennifer wanted him to go away, but did not want to draw any more attention to the situation. She felt trapped by him and his behavior.

Jennifer needed to say no. Do not return his text messages, do not return his e-mails, do not give him rides, do not go someplace and talk, … do not provide any openings for such people.

Situations like Jennifer’s happen quite often. Dealing with such situations requires strength and determination. It also requires firm boundaries. Although it was good of our parents to teach us to play nice, there are times, that one has to be firm, like this situation.  Some women just give into the threats hoping that it will shut the man up and make him leave them alone. It does not happen like that. Giving into them often emboldens them to be even more daring.

Dealing with stalkers is never easy, especially when they involve affair situations. In those situations, setting firm boundaries is essential.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating and stalking, Reducing the Risk, saying no to stalkers, stalkers and affairs

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One of the areas that surprised me in working with couples are the STRONG reactions I often encounter when addressing preventative measures. In my logic, knowing what steps to take in order to prevent affairs should be common sense and be welcomed, they are often the most emotionally charged items. It seems that addressing areas that would improve the strength of the marriage are deemed ‘controversial’ because I have to take stands and make recommendations for or in some cases against some relationship situations.

When the crisis of an affair occurs, then they are willing to address those very same issues, although dealing with them after the crisis is always more challenging than dealing with them before the crisis. When the crisis is in full swing, couples are finally willing to address those painful items that they avoided before. It seems that the pain of the affair outweighs the pain of ‘controversial’ items.

Some couples see early warning signs and take action before major damage has occurred. Although some do this, the majority ignore the early warning signs and continue full speed into the crisis.  Some of those who continued full speed seem to thrive on crises. With those couples, they often go from crisis to crisis, only changing the players but never the patterns. Other couples use the crisis as a wake-up call to save their marriage. Although I would like to help them all, some relationships have inflicted more damage than can be imagined. I have seen some marriages that looked hopeful, but somehow could not pull it together. I have seen others that seem beyond hope, yet the two spouses manage to pull together and salvage their relationship in ways I had never imagined.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

dealing with preventative, pain and affairs, pain and cheating, Reducing the Risk, Understanding Affairs

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Being away from one’s spouse is often a difficult time. Whether you are a military spouse or have spouse that travels a lot, dealing with their absence is often a high risk time for affairs.

There strategies that can be used to reduce the risk. These strategies will not remove the risk, but they will make it more manageable.

1. It is important to stay busy and focused. Temptations are not so unbearable when one is busy.

2. Avoid places where the risk is high. Do not go to bars, clubs, honky tonks, ice houses or any other place where alcohol flows freely and people make passes. Alcohol and drug use can reduce your inhibitions. Those inhibitions are there to protect you from making mistakes. Avoid substances that dull them especially when you are in a social setting.

3. If you go places, try to go with friends and associates that will reduce temptations.  Going out as a group will reduce the likelihood of you being tempted.

4. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. When you are not taking care of yourself or exercising, you may not be caring for yourself in other areas as well. Health self-care is important for you to keep up your morale in their absence. Although gyms are a good activity, they are becoming pick up spots. Exercise caution when people show an unusual interest in you.

5. Maintain communication with your spouse. Keeping the lines of communication open is another way of reducing risks. You may even want to work on a project together, such as the both of you reading a book from your separate locations or other similar activity.

6. Let your spouse know your schedule. Knowing ones schedule and travel itineraries often help create a sense of routine in uncertain situations.

These are some strategies to help cope with the loneliness. As you put some of these in place, other ideas may come up. Feel free to share them with me, especially when they work well.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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In dealing with affairs, the question arises as to whether there are certain professions that are predisposed to affairs. My experience has been that each vocation has its own unique dangers and risks related to affairs. Whenever a profession has an inequality of power, there is in innate danger of that imbalance being exploited and becoming sexualized. When that occurs the danger of affairs is extremely high. The professions where an imbalance of power include the health care field, church, law enforcement, teaching, politics and the military.

Each of these vocations has with it the inherent danger of power relationships being exploited. The public often looks up to people in those professions. The admiration can often be confused with sexual interest. When the two are confused, the risk for affairs is high.

The athletic professions have their own unique danger. In those professions, the athletes are  trained to ‘explode’ and give it all they have to whatever endeavor they engage in. The giving it all you have often spills over into other areas of their lives, when they give in to their sexual urges. The same dedication to giving it all they have got when combined with sexual energies becomes dangerous in terms of affairs.

Another area of professions that has its own dangers is that of the artistic endeavors. This profession is used to testing limits and trying new things. When the testing limits spills over to testing sexual limits, there are dangers of an affair occurring. They are used to dealing with issues like ‘passion’. Those passions, once stirred up are often not easy to redirect and control.

Professions that entail large amounts of secrecy or the fast turn around of money also have their own unique dangers of affairs erupting as well. When people have to keep a lot of secrets or go through a lot of cash quickly, there are some hidden dangers in their line of work related to affairs.

These are not the only high risk professions, although they are often in the forefront.  If you are in one of these professions, or if your spouse is, you may want to talk about this with them. Find out ways of dealing with the pressures and temptations associated with their vocation and what you can do to help them with it.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating and vocations, professions at high risk for affairs, Reducing the Risk

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