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As humans, we all need to be in relationship. Part of being ‘in relationship’ is feeling connected to people who are important to us. This need for being ‘in relationship’ is part of the natural process of being human. Anyone who grows up healthy and functional has this need. In functional marriages, this need is often satisfied in the relationship between the spouses. Problems arise when the relationship with the spouse does not satisfy the need to be connected to others. Often those struggling through those times develop attachments to substitutes. These substitutes may be hobbies, religious activities, or even socially oriented activities. The substitutions, like all substitutions only temporarily address the needs. Being that they only temporarily address the needs, the person with the needs may continue feeling empty and unconnected despite being active and involved. In such cases, they are vulnerable to affairs. They are so hungry for a sense of connectedness and relationship that in an act of desperation, they use the relationship with the other person as a way to satisfy their needs for relationship. The danger lies in that affair relationships by their very nature can not meet the need that the person seeking them is after. Relationships are chosen that leave them feeling more alienated and unconnected than they did at first.

In attempting to understand the “why” behind affairs, there are often basic needs that were not being addressed or satisfied in the marriage. One of these basic needs is the need to be ‘in relationship’. This need is often confused with sex, since people often use sex as a means to connect, without realizing that the need was for the relationship, not the sex.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs, cheating and the needs of the cheater, infidelity, relationships, the needs of relationships, Understanding Affairs

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One of the problems couples struggle with in recovering from cheating and infidelity concerns compromising. Normally compromising is good for relationships, yet when cheating is involved, couples are often not clear on their boundaries. The lack of clarity concerning boundaries leads to compromise after compromise after compromise. Although it sounds healthy, the compromising which occurs after cheating often consists of one party caving in on their position and the other not giving much of anything up. Although it is called compromising, in reality it is more often giving ground. A true compromise involves both parties changing their positions. When the compromise is one-sided, it is not really a compromise. In my experience, what often occurs is that one of the spouses surrenders their right of accountability just to keep the peace. That is not a compromise. In such situations, someone is trying to avoid guilt reactions in response to their behaviors.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs, cheating, dealing with affairs, infidelity, marriage counseling, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships

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There are some couples who actually plant seeds for their own destruction within the marriage. One way this occurs is through the use of fantasy and toys. Although many couples find that these may enhance their playtime, there is a hidden danger. The hidden danger is that such practices often lead to you or your spouse developing a taste for the toys and fantasies. This danger becomes apparent when a seducer or seductress dresses or wants to play the same game. Since the sensitivity to the game is already there, the seduction is half-done when it begins. The stiletto heels make you look nice, but you will want your husband attracted to you rather than your stiletto heels. If he is attached to the stilettos more than you, then the next person wearing stilettos will find it easy to attract him. Fetishes, by their very nature, focus on attaching emotions to the objects rather than the person wearing them. So, the same reaction will occur whenever someone else wears the fetish object or toy the next time.

One of the things that swingers find exciting is the dressing up for the event. The excitement of the toys and fantasy is one of the ways used to keep people hooked into such lifestyles.

Best Regards,

J Murrah

fantasy and affairs, fetishes and affairs, infidelity and fetishes, relationships, swingers, Understanding Affairs

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In the aftermath of an affair, behaviors are often at the forefront of the arguments/discussions. The reason behaviors are at the front is their visibility. They make easy targets since they are observable. Behaviors can be either denied or admitted to. What is often not discussed is attitudes. It is as if the attitudes are hidden behind the behaviors. Attitudes color the daily interactions of spouses, yet are rarely the focus of attention after an affair. Although we know what it is like to be on the receiving end of an attitude, bringing those attitudes to the attention of one’s spouse is often a challenging matter.

It is important to deal with the attitudes AND the behaviors, rather than just what is easily observable. With attitudes, each spouse will need to assume responsibility for what they have felt, thought and done. It is only when they assume that responsibility that the “look what you made me do” or “you made me feel this way” is going to stop.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs, cheating, dealing with the attitudes behind affairs, infidelity, relationships, Understanding Affairs, what are the behaviors hiding

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Adultery is one of those heinous acts that people often search for who is to blame. The focus on blaming often keeps each of the spouses from taking an honest look at what each can do to improve the marriage. The blaming often takes the form of good person/bad person. A distinct difference is noted between the two spouses. This good person/bad person often takes center stage rather than what each did that contributed to the situation developing or what needs to be done to improve the marriage.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

blame for the affair, blame for the infidelity, cheating, relationships, Understanding Affairs

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A question that is often very difficult to handle is “Is it my fault that my spouse had an affair?” Such questions often keep the emotional tension at a high point. There are feelings of guilt, shame, anger and often rage associated with this question. Many times there are mixed answers to the question. There are the the answers you tell yourself, and then there are the gut-level answers that often gnaw at you. Just by asking the question, you are looking for someone or something to blame for what happened. There is a massive search for the donkey to pin the tail on. Since most people have difficulty accepting blame and responsibility, this is a question that seeks to appease the conscience and attach or remove blame. It is a question that few want to look at honestly, yet all need to if they want to repair their relationship.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, blame for adultery, blame for the affair, cheating, infidelity, relationships, Understanding Affairs

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The Emotions of Your Spouse while Rebuilding Your Marriage

After the discovery of the affair, you and your spouse are still reeling from the effects of that traumatic experience. As such, it would be necessary to start talking about your situation and trying to minimize the damage to your marriage.

It’s not impossible to rebuild your marriage as long as both of you are committed to each other. After the initial hiccup of reconciliation though, you will need to look at the emotional needs of your spouse and meet those needs. In doing so, you’re in effect saying that you love your spouse and that he or she deserves the best treatment from you.

These emotional needs may vary. But the most general ones are the need to feel loved. In the simplest ways, you should show your love and support to your spouse. This is also an effective means of preventing another affair to happen. When you are satisfied with each other, it means that the possibility of affair is remote.

Knowing each other for many years does not necessarily mean that you’ve got each other figured out. Marriage is a continuous process of discovery and knowing. As such, you also need to discover ways to introduce surprise into your relationship. Such surprises can help keep the magic in your relationship.

If you have not truly paid attention to the emotions of your spouse before the affair, you should now. Being sensitive to emotions will be a great help in rebuilding a marriage. So if you are looking forward to rebuilding your marriage, you have to train your eyes, your ears and your sense to detect minute changes in your spouse’s emotions so that you would know how to deal with such emotional needs.

infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery after an affair, relationships, repairing the marriage relationship after an affair, Sexual addiction, Understanding Affairs

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Cell phones have become the number one way of catching infidelity in Britain. I suspect that is the case in the United States as well, although I have not seen the latest numbers on that issue. I was reminded of this when I received an inquiry call from a man who had concerns about his wife’s text messaging with another man. Sending messages to a person of the opposite sex is not a bad thing. It is a part of business. When there is secrecy, defensiveness, texting at odd hours or sending of pornographic/suggestive material , something is up. When boundaries are blurred in these areas, the texting is no longer innocent. These tell tale signs indicate that it is not a “friendship” or “business association”. Some of the tell tale signs include:

1. Texting at odd hours (late at night or early morning)

2. Secrecy regarding who sends the text and what it says

3. When your spouse keeps their phone password protected

4. When your spouse is secretive regarding the phone bill and how many text messages were sent. They may also be secretive about who the text messages were from.

5. When the texting goes on for an extended period of time.

6. Texting in a strange or coded manner.

7. When pornographic or suggestive material is sent or received.

8.  When the caller/texter refuses to tell you who they are.

Be on the lookout for these or other tell tale signs indicating that something is not right. Early intervention can mean that you keep your marriage intact.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

cell phones and affairs, cheating, infidelity, looking for signs of unfaithfulness, relationships, Understanding Affairs, what to look for on cell phones

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The hurt associated with affairs lasts a long time. Although you and your spouse may think that the hurt is over when all is finally forgiven or a commitment is made. Although such actions may end part of the hurt, affairs have a way of reaching across the generations. The reach of affairs goes both backwards and forwards. The scars and shame associated with affairs is often carried by the children and grand-children. These generations wanted forebearers they could count on, they could believe in and instead they are given someone who disappoints them.

I have also tried to put into words the pains that people experience. This hurt that goes across the generations is a dark, empty hollow experience. This is in contrast to the adulterer who may have described their life as one filled with experiences, some good, some bad. No matter how they sugar coat the episodes of their lives, the children and grand children continue carrying the shame.

Although each person may have some personal variations of their experience there are some common themes that come back to the dark empty pain.

This is also part of what needs to be addressed in overcoming affairs, but is often ignored.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Affairs and Children, cheating, dealing with the shame of an affair, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships, the effects of affairs on children and grand children, the effects of affairs on the parents

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Affairs crash into lives with the devastation of a major pile-up. With the power of an 18-wheeler, it runs over your personal identity and self-esteem, crushing you in the process.

You began asking yourself, “What have I done wrong?” “What have I done to deserve this?” “What should I do?”

You become a confluence of negative emotions. Suddenly, all the little things that mattered in your relationship come tumbling down. Betrayal and trust go out of the window. And your heart shuts down like a virus-infected computer.

If you allow it, the sense of betrayal can plunge you into depression, you lose your self-esteem and you feel like being exiled into the deepest recesses of your heart.

As you go through this process, having a support group is very crucial. Talk to your closest friends. Let out your emotions. Your friends can help you bear the burden you carry. Although the help of a professional counselor is important, a friend’s friendly pat on the back, hugs and even the empathy and sympathy can help you recover.

As you work through your emotions, keep in mind that your identity and your self-esteem are not tied up with your marriage and in your spouse. Who you are is different from your decisions. Who you are is different that who you associate with. Your relationship may have failed, but that does not mean that you have failed. Your spouse may reject you, but that does not mean you have no worth or are not worth loving. Marriage where the whole sense of identity and self-esteem are wrapped around the marriage have the hardest time adjusting to an affair. 

You are a unique person with a unique personality. Go back to your strengths and your successes as a person. When you have strengthened your self-esteem, then you are strong enough to rebuild a relationship.The pouting will need to be put behind if you want to be in relationship with someone. When you regain your maturity, then you can face your spouse, not to beg for him or her to go back, but for both of you to work out your marriage. You can face it as an adult rather than a dependent child. Marriage is for adults, not children. Marriage requires emotional maturity. There is a reason for age limits on marriage. You need maturity to marry, you need maturity to work on repairing a marriage.

affairs, affiars, cheating, infidelity, maturity in marriage, philandering, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships

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