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I used to have no idea if a marriage in the throes of an affair could be saved.
I would be sitting there, counseling a couple and wonder if we were just wasting our time. I hadn’t been counseling long enough to know the tell-tale signs of whether a marriage could weather this storm.
Here’s what I do now:
If I’m working with a couple and I want to know the chances of marriage survival, I’ll gently ask these 10 questions:
1. Did your spouse try to hide evidence of the affair?
2. Does your spouse avoid eye contact with you?
3. Does your spouse avoid discussing the topic of the affair?
4. Has your spouse had more symptoms of nausea, upset stomach, or other gastro-intestinal complaints since you discovered the affair?
5. Has your spouse changed their routine since you discovered the affair?
6. Has your spouse paid more attention to you since you discovered the affair?
7. Does your spouse avoid using or mentioning the word “divorce”?
8. Does your spouse show a regard for the children and their reactions to the affair?
9. Does your spouse have religious convictions against divorce?
10. Does your spouse spend 5 or more hours talking with you each week?
Believe it or not, just three “yesses” to these questions tell me there’s a good chance your marriage can survive.
What were your responses? Leave your comments below.
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Google has introduced another product that is sure to impact relationships. Google Buzz (which is their social network service) allows people to snoop on private gmail accounts by seeing who people write to the most. The service launched on February 9, yet its release was surrounded by controversy. Buzz connects you automatically with anyone who you have sent gmail to. Any secret or anonymous messages are no longer hidden from prying eyes. People will know who you wrote to and how often. The initial version allowed people to automatically follow and connect without being asked. Google has since made some adjustments to allow for more privacy. The service immediately had massive traffic, and many prying eyes looking into others affairs.
For the suspicious spouse, the service if a boon. For those hiding affairs or desiring discreet communication, the service is a MAJOR threat. Bear in mind that Google’s CEO, considers privacy an evil thing. (”If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.“). This attitude is potentially dangerous. If you are hiding from a jealous spouse or a stalking spouse, or rapist these threats to privacy are a threat to your security as well. If you are secretly preparing to leave a dangerous person, you will not be able to as easily as in previous years.
Google Buzz is a powerful, yet dangerous tool. It can hurt those who use it in ways they may have never imagined. Knowing of its existence and potential dangers is important in dealing with the many issues associated with affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
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It never ceases to amaze me at the lengths some people go in order to rationalize their affairs. About the time I think that I have heard it all, there is some new twist on the subject. King Solomon is often credited with writing “There is nothing new under the sun”. On this one he was right. There is no new way of packaging it that removes the damage done to relationships, trust and families. One of the latest repackaging of old self centered gratifications is a book entitled”The Ethical Slut“. I could not even make up the absurd ideas that are conveyed in this volume. The book claims to promote ‘polyamory’.
‘Polyamory’ appears to be the new politically correct term for ’slut’ . In previous generations the woman that was willing to be with ‘anybody’ and ‘everybody’ was shunned by the community for many reasons. She was not spreading free love and self expression, it was more about corrupting morals, spreading disease and ruining the neighborhood. Although such persons sincerely believe they are doing nothing wrong, they do not see the damaged lives in their wake, nor do they see the impact in makes on communities and the generations that come after them. Sleeping around provides short sighted and selfish solutions to marital problems. It will get your mind off of things, but it does not ’solve’ or fix anything. If it does accomplish something, it permanently damages the fabric of your marriage, your family, your values and your children’s families. With some people, values mean little. Self-gratification and pragmatism means more than a clean conscience and good reputation.
A slut is still a slut, no matter how you dress them up (and yes, there are male sluts as well).
If you are struggling with the aftermath of an affair, you need to know what you are up against and take action.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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In the movie, Gone With the Wind, Rhett Butler makes the statement, “There is more money to be made in the breaking apart of a civilization than in the building of one.”Although he was making reference to his smuggling, the statement has applications for marriages as well. There are people who stand to make money with the dissolution of a marriage. Although they may advertise themselves as your benefactor, they make more money the longer the issues drag on and conflicts continue.
Private Investigators, lawyers and courts others often stand to gain financially with the break-up of a marriage and family. These professions know that their bread and butter is based on such break-ups. Some lawyers and private investigators may attempt to ’save’ your marriage, or appear to have your self-interest in mind with their suggestions. Before you swallow what they tell you, there are some things to consider. The main thing is to consider “cui bono?” or who benefits. Who is actually going to benefit from your heartache? Who is actually considering your best interest both short and long term as well as the impact on your children and family? Many times, the actions suggested focus on short term benefits, rather than long term impact.
The lawyers may help you legally end the marriage, but that does little to end the hurt. You may obtain fast results, but that does not mean that the issues are resolved or that they are over.
With this in mind, it behooves couples dealing with affairs to consider this.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
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A recent article on a new book out by a French psychologist underscores the importance of evaluating information on affairs in context. The psychologist, Maryse Vaillant claims that affairs can improve one’s marriage. Bear in mind that 1) she is promoting her new book. Promoting a book means doing and saying things that will deliver salves. 2) She is a leading French psychologist. Her book is appropriate for France and French values, not the values and cultures of other people. The values and ideas of each culture are not interchangeable. Not every culture accepts infidelity. Look at the recent Tiger Woods episode and how sponsors are dropping him like flies. They know that although sex may sell, infidelity does not. Even in Canada, the Toronto Transit Commission rejected an ad promoting infidelity on its trains.
The lack of consistency is even apparent with celebrities. While Angelina Jolie has expressed acceptance of infidelity, Sienna Miller has taken steps to prevent her spouse from taking unapproved liberties. So even in Hollywood, there are mixed messages.
Contrast this with American author Mark Verge who also recently released a book on reducing infidelity. He provides ways for men to maintain fidelity in their relationships.
Bottom line, the agencies, persons and researches claiming that affairs are ‘healthy’ need to be taken in context. Like global warming ‘experts’, the information needs to be taken in context and examined for its validity. There are some people and cultures who accept adultery. If you are not among them, then remember to take all the stories you hear with a grain of salt, remembering where they came from and what they are up to.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
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Elizabeth Edwards’ book Resiliance, addresses her reaction to her celebrity husband’s affair. In the book, she describes her reactions to the affair. Among those reactions were throwing up. Throwing up is a common reaction to news of an affair. When people are forced to face threatening information, throwing up and nausea are common responses. Part of the reason for this has to do with having to ingest something that we find ‘unacceptable’.
It is normal to have such strong gastric reactions. Such reactions do not indicate you are weak or in error. It reaffirms that you are alive. It reaffirms that affairs are not acceptable. It affirms that the events that transpired are not emotionally palatable.Many clients have such gastric reactions whenever they think about the affair that occurred.
So if you throw up, don’t freak out. Throwing up is a common reaction in such situations.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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Google’s new street view has had some unintended impact. Many spouses are using the street view to find spouses that were supposed to be at work or out of town. In the latest episode, the recently released (March 20) street view in London prompted a wife to call the divorce attorney upon seeing her husband’s car at a neighbor’s home. So it appears that the latest high tech weapon for spouses in the effort to find cheaters is Google street view. The recent release of the service in England has upset many people who were discovered going into sex shops, smoking and other clandestine activities.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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In a recent post, I dealt with the danger of stalking that often goes with affairs. With the improvements in technology, the danger of stalking is increased. It is now easier than ever to stalk someone or be stalked.
Anytime you are involved in an affair, there is a danger of being stalked. The stalking may start off with someone merely googling who you are. From there, they advance to checking various data bases and private investigator sites. With the lull in the economy, there are many private investigators who are ready, willing and able to help. Having lived in the Houston area, I am familiar with the episode of the dentist who hunted down her husband. The investigative service involved in the episode were being paid by several players in the whole episode. When a stalker believes they are the only ones using a private investigator, they are often mistaken.
There is also a wealth of information available on the internet. Addresses, phone numbers, business location and other information is readily available. With the increasing number of people getting online, there are increasing dangers that go with those people using the internet. No longer do national boundaries stop people from stalking. It is now feasible to live in one country and stalk someone across the world on the internet. With this in mind, if you find yourself in the midst of an affair, you will need to be on guard against stalkers. The stalkers not only seek out those participating in the affair. The resolute spouse may find themselves being smeared by a stalker. There is also the danger of an angry co-woker making false accusations of an affair, just to ruin your reputation. With the use of the internet, falsified letters, pictures and information can be easily posted to create the impression of impropiety.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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Stalking and spying on your spouse have now been taken to a new level. Software is now available and accessible to the public which allows someone to turn cellphones into listening devices. In a story from Channel 6 News of Tulsa, Oklahoma, a victim was stalked for three years with this technology. During that time, she was harassed by her stalker knowing more about her and her location than she wanted him to know. Finally discovering how he was able to do it was alarming. Even more alarming was the discovery that at present, there are no laws preventing such actions from occurring with others.
Not only can the microphones on cellphones be turned on and listened to, so can the text messages. This new advance in software makes cell phones potentially dangerous when in comes to affairs. If you are involved with a woman like the one in “Fatal Attraction”, who stalked and terrorized her victim the software can bring with it nightmarish situations. If you are a spouse who is determined to find out what your partner is up to, such software will open up a “Brave New World” of information to you.
If you are considering having an affair, the cell phone is no longer your trusted friend. The cell phone can be used against you, and since there are few laws against the use of such software, there are no legal roadblacks to prevent such “phone stalking” from occurring. The technology beings a new appreciation to George Orwell’s saying, “Big Brother is watching!”. In this case, he is listening and reading text messages as well.
If you are the resolute spouse who is considering such software, it is important to consider that although new worlds of information will be available, there is also a tremendous amount of damage inflicted on trust in the relationship. Using such software will remove whatever trust once existed. The technology brings great relationship dangers with it when employed in a marriage or family. If you were thinking of using it on your teen, such an action has the potential of bringing great danger with it as well.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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A recent development in dealing with affairs is the availability of software that allows passwords to hotmail accounts to be hacked. Such accounts are often hacked to find whether or not the spouse in question has been faithful. This is the latest in using technology to catch cheaters. Semen detection kits are also growing in popularity as well. Technology has changed the old adage of “what they don’t know won’t hurt them”. Now the spouse is able to find out what they did not know, and it is hurting not only them, but the family as well.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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