It often seems that people are interested in religion and spirituality AFTER and affair occurs. At that point, they want the comfort and solace associated with religion and spirituality. It is as that time, they want their cake and wish to eat it as well. They want the comfort, but not the responsibilities that go with the spirituality. It is as if they want to divorce the responsibility piece from the comfort peace. Spirituality and Religion have the comfort and responsibility intertwined. In order to achieve the full benefit of the comfort, one needs to assume the responsibility required.
If you are in the process of recovering, remember that the comfort carries with it responsibilities. When this is accepted, the changes and comfort it brings with it can help you cope with the cheating/affair and its aftermath.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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Several years ago, Terrence Real published the book, I Don’t Want to Talk About It. Although the book focuses on men dealing with depression, its contents have a major impact on couples struggling with intimacy. Since, some affairs are about misplaced attempts to attain intimacy. If you are one of those whose infidelity experience seemed to be more about an attempt to regain intimacy or him overcoming some listlessness in his life, you may want to consider Terrence’s book.
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I recently became aware of the book, Lust in Translation: Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee. In reading a review of the book, it sounds fascinating in that the review discusses which nations have the highest rates of infidelity.The author, Pamela Druckerman has found some fascinating trends. The book may not give you the specific skills you need to deal with an affair, yet it will help you see the big picture and realize that you are not alone in dealing with it.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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In expanding the resources available to those dealing with the pain of infidelity, I have posted several hub pages on various Infidelity related topics.
Is it lying or denial? This hub deals with discerning whether the behaviors you are dealing with are plain and simple lying or something else.
Is it love or love addiction? This hub deals with telling the difference between affairs and possible love addictions.
Infidelity and Custody Concerns. This hub deals with the custody related problems that often occur in conjunction with infidelity.
Infidelity and Parental Alienation Syndrome. This hub deals with a controversial topic in the area of affairs and infidelity.
Time, Money and Infidelity. This hub deals with the role that money plays in the start and on-going aspects of affairs.
There are some other hubs on infidelity as well. These provide more information than the blog post if you want more in depth reading and understanding than the posts provide.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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With all the resources and books available for couples, how can you tell which ones to trust? What they often want to know are which authors I recommend. This is a valid question and concern which I am often asked by couples . I have not read all the books that are out there. It would be a full time job just reading everything that is published on the topic. There are a few that I recommend without hesitation. Willard F. Harley, who wrote His Needs, Her Needs puts our consistently good material. His site, Marriage Builders does a good job. I also like Gary Smalley’s early materials. His books, If Only He Knew and For Better or Best are solid. Smalley and Harley are the major Christian oriented writers I prefer. I am also familiar with Elissa Gough’s material and can recommend her books. She has a website called Face Reality, which is solid in terms of dealing with affairs.
In terms of the heavy duty material, Patrick Carnes is what is needed for the sexual addictions. A scary reality is that some affairs do involve sexual addictions of one type or another. He has been in the forefront of addressing this issue for many years.
There are other good books out there. Frank Pittman’s material has been spoken of very highly, although I have not gone through it myself.
There is often some material of value in many of the resources out there. I do steer away from authors that advocate “open marriage” as a solution from things. That approach often confuses the people I work with since they are seeking reconciliation in most cases. The main person that you should listen to is your counselor and your pastor. They will know you and your personal needs better than myself.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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I recently finished my revisions to the e-book dealing with the effects of affairs on children. Researching it was a challenge, although the help it will bring will make it worth the effort. As a child, I went through one of my parents having an affair, so I am familiar with the issues and pain involved from having been there. The book addresses the unique needs of younger children, adolescents and adult children. It also deals with the challenging topic of pregnancies and extraneous children. My intent was to provide guidance and direction to those who are totally lost and seeking direction in the wake of an affair. If you are one of those seeking direction, and wanting to know how to deal with the children, there is hope and answers.
Affairs and children do not mix. They never have and never will. The mindset involved with affairs and the mindset needed to keep a family emotionally healthy are opposites. Even if you are caught in the mess of dealing with both of those worlds, you can find a way through the mess.
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High tech hardware is no longer just something for James Bond movies and homeland security. These days they are used in dealing with affairs. Spouses on both sides of the adultery issue are utilizing state of the art the art technology in dealing with affairs. Adulterers are using the technology to hide their actions while the spouses are using them to uncover what has occurred.
Among the technologies used are monitoring E-Z Tag use and travel. Spouses are also setting up duplicate e-mail accounts and bogus identities on social network sites. As one spouse sets up the accounts, the other is making efforts to find them. Besides the dangers of infidelity possible on social network sites, there are now adult sites that encourage infidelity and setting up profiles with their service in addition to the traditional dating sites. There are now sites that cater to swingers, making it easier to connect with and meet those who are in that lifestyle.
The use of online billing records have been used both ways in the ongoing affair investigation activities. Keyloggers, pre-paid cell phones and voice activated recorders are among the items used in the modern attempts to catch cheaters. Spouses now comb the purchase records for pre-paid phones or any other tell-tale purchases that suggest that something is being hidden. Besides purchase records, keyloggers and programs that record all the sites a person visits are used as well. In the past, spouses merely checked the history of sites visited, but with cheaters learning to clean their tracks, the resolute spouse is only a few steps behind them with new ways of catching them. It seems that when there is a will to cheat, that technology only makes their fantasies come true. Besides technology being used to hide cheating, it also makes it more difficult for the cheater to hide. The resolute spouse also has fantasies and uses the same technology to catch the cheat. There are even products that detect whether or not a spouse had physical relations with someone of the opposite gender based on detecting residue in the clothing. So even though a friend or agency may lie and tell convincing cover stories, the physical evidence of the affair is also more discernible using technology.
Although some couples are high-tech savvy, many people still only have a cursory knowledge of computers and the internet. Tech savvy-cheaters often exploit this difference in knowledge to hide their affairs, yet forget that there are many private investigators and lawyers that will quickly bring their spouse up to speed on the latest gadgetry. Affairs have become a high-tech game of cat and mouse with many new angles of finding electronic lip stick stains.
Jeff Murrah
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I was just posting links to some of the other blogs addressing infidelity on the web. The topic is a timely one in that when people are hurting they want answers quickly. They are in pain and are often desperate for answers.
Fashion & Woman: Had a post about why bad guys cheat and good guys don’t.
Your Info Guide: Carried an article on “Is Your Mate Cheating?”
Haunted Poet: Carried a personal story about the difficulties with honesty after her husband’s affair.
The online dating information and help portal addressed the topic of why one needs to use an onlie dating service to identify if your spouse is cheating.
Lovesagame carried a post by Eddie Corbano, a relationship coach on the red flags that indicate a relationship is going downhill.
The site Talkaboutmarriage.com carries an ongoing forum addressing infidelity issues. Some of the latest posts deal with the struggles concerning lies. This forum is good in that it has posts from both men and women.
The site MarriagesRestored.com, which is the website for a ministry of Ben and Ann Wilson contains on-going articles addressing how they overcame an affair situation. The latest deals with the grief related to an affair.
Sometimes people need to hear from more than one person in addressing their issues. These posts will help those of you who are looking for answers and welcome another viewpoint on the infidelity issue.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
infidelity
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A new book, Write It When I’m Gone: Remarkable Off-the-Record Conversations with Gerald R. Ford , deals with Gerald Ford and his concerns. Among them was that Bill Clinton needed help with his sex addiction problems. Gerald Ford was a man who had lived with a wife who suffered and addiction problem, so I am sure he can identify the signs when he sees them. The surprising news is that with greater frequency the issue of sexual addiction is receiving attention. Such a revelation is enlightening. Having worked with addictions, the spouse of the addict is often even more unhealthy than the addict. In couples where addictions are present, there are many games played to avoid dealing with the real issues. Each party dances around what is actually occurring. Although Ford’s comments bring Bill Clinton’s addiction into the public eye, it also exposes his wife’s issues as the wife of an addict.
Sexual addiction is real and can be a major factor in affair situations.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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A new book by Alan Murray is out. The title is Revolt in the Boardroom. A key portion of this book deals with how an affair at the Boeing company led to the dismissal of the CEO, even though his involvement was minimal. Affairs often have ripple effects that destroy lives far beyond the two parties that started the whole thing. It also deals with how improprieties are not being tolerated in corporate America like they used to be.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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