Couples dealing with affairs could learn a few lessons from military history. When one nation breaks the secret code of another nation, they often do not disclose knowing the code, so that they can find out more. Although Hollywood often portrays affairs as spontaneous and spur of the moment events. Many times they are not that way. There is coordinated planning and communication that goes into making an affair continue. Once the resolute spouse knows of the existence of an affair it is not time to ‘blow the whistle”. Once the existence of the affair is discovered, if  the resolute spouse wants to understand what is occurring, it becomes time for ‘code breaking’.

Code breaking is similar to reverse engineering in the the goal is to comprehend how the relationship works. All relationships have rules. Although they are not always identified and discussed, there are clear rules. In decoding an affair, look for what the rules of the affair are. These include “How do they decide when and where to interact?” , “How do they communicate?”, “Who initiates communication?”, “How do they decide where to meet?/When to meet?”, “How do they decide who knows and does not know?” , “How do they interact with their family members/friends?” Seeking answers to these questions will stead you better than trying to find out which hotel they are meeting at and what sexual activities they engage in.  The questions about the relationship and how they interact will give you clues as to how your spouse thinks and relates to people. This will also let you have a better idea if it is an affair of the heart, an affair of the mind, a sexual addiction or something else. Knowing those pieces of information is crucial in coming up with a solution that addresses the ‘real’ problem.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, affairs, decoding, infidelity, philandering, rules of relationships, Understanding Affairs

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