The power of myths is part of what creates more damage with adultery than their needs to be. There are many myths about infidelity that only serve to confuse, blame and avoid the real issues. Some of the major myths that create problems are:
1. Everyone is Faithful. The truth is that some people are not faithful. With the greater temptations that modern society faces today, there is even greater pressure to be unfaithful.
2. People have affairs because they are unhappy with their marriage. Many adulterers are actually very happy with their marriages. The affair is more about poor self-control, poor judgement, addiction, or character problems than about unhappiness with their spouse.
3. Affairs are all about sex and sexiness. The public are often surprised to find out that it is most often not related to sex, but more so to loneliness, despair, the need for excitement or other issue rather than pure sex. The thing that excites most people about affairs is not the sex, but rather the secrets and secrecy.
4. Divorce in inevitable. Although 2/3 of marriages that have affairs end up with divorce, that is a number that is unnecessary. It is not inevitable that the relationship has to fall apart because of an affair.
5. “If I fall in love, I have to go with it.” This is just a matter of giving in to your urges. You can sy no to the affair. It will only have the power over you that you allow it to have.
6. Affairs are better kept secret. There is even great debate in the counseling community about the need for confidentiality and secrecy concerning affairs. Clients often use confidentiality to include the therapist in on their secret, when what is often needed is to address the issues out in the open with their spouse. The hiding only perpetuates more secrecy.
If you can counter and overcome these myths, you will increase the likelihood of surviving the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
adultery, cheating, infidelity, philandering, relationships, secrecy, secrets, sex, Understanding Affairs, unfaithfulnessIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Secrets are the life blood of affairs. The secrecy and dangers involved add to the excitement of doing something that is forbidden. Some people hide their secrets out of shame and fear, others keep them for the rush and sense of power and control associated with secrets. Whether driven by shame or the stimulation, the behavior of keeping secrets is part of what keeps people locked into an affair situation. Early psychoanalytic literature pointed out that most secrets involve sexual matters dealing with secretions of the body. When I first came across that statement, I thought it was odd, but the longer I work with couples, the more I appreciate its truth. Part of the secrecy involves a sense of shame concerning the body and what it produces. People often do not know how to handle it. When a third party comes along and allows a person to address their body and its products, there is a strange attraction that hooks them in. The more shame, fear or excitement associated with the secret, the more power it has over the person and those involved.
The bond of secrecy has to be broken if healing is to occur. Some of the news items I have recently posted attest to the power of this bond and the power unleashed when it is broken or threatened.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
adultery, adultery secrets, affairs, bodiy secretions, cheating, infidelilty, relationships, secrecy, secrets of affairs, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
The source of power in affairs is the secrets. When the secrets are out in the open, the affair loses much of the power it once had over the person. One reason the secrets have so much power is that they are closely tied to shame and guilt. The guilt and shame associated with what they imagine the response to the affair will be is part of what powers up the secrets.
Another part of the power of secrets is the fantasy of getting away with something. There is an alluring fascination with cheating life and gaining access to ‘forbidden’ things. Between the excitement of the forbidden and the guilt/shame, affairs have most of the elements that create an emotional magnetism that some find hard to resist.
When the daily routine of many peoples lives become monotonous, the zap of excitement and energy an affair provides often looks like just the thing to add some zing to their lives. They get caught up in the sales pitch and do not consider the enormous price tag that goes with it. If they had considered the price tag, before the sales pitch, they would look at the issue differently.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, affair, affair secrets, cheating, indfidelity, secrecy, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
