If you want to be notified the next time I write something, sign up for email alerts or subscribe to the RSS Feed. Thanks for reading.

Within the recovery community are many nuggets of wisdom that have many applications for other areas, including dealing with affairs and their aftermath. One of those nuggets is to “Stick with winners”.  This saying has many applications for marriages. One being that when your marriage relationship is strained, it is not the time to hang out with losers, or those who have a history of troubled relationships. You want to be with and listen to couples who have stayed together and managed to work through their issues. When you are in crisis, you are more vulnerable to bad advice. Hanging with people who are winners will help you more than associating with other people, even though they may be fun and full of laughs.

“Sticking with winners” also means you need to avoid the hangouts and places that losers congregate. Find out where the winners go and go there as well. Do the things that the winners do. Avoid loser talk, loser attitudes, and loser places. Losers also do not joke about affairs and cheating. Let those who have lost at love and relationships joke about their failures. Read what winners read, learn to think like a winner, practice the behaviors of a winner.

This phrase also helps with sexual addictions as well. Sticking with winners will help you avoid relapses into unhealthy behaviors. The little phrase “Stick with winners” is simple, but powerful when it is put into practice. The old phrase, “You can know a man (or woman) by the company they keep” addresses this same idea. Losers can corrupt good manners and good habits.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

coping with an affair, coping with infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, repairing your relationship, Sexual addiction

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Unhealthy thinking and affairs often go hand in hand. Although it is unclear whether the unhealthy thinking comes first or the affair comes first, what is clear is that they often appear together. The unhealthy thinking and affair behavior often feed off one another. In the “Affair Recovery System”, the issue is addressed in more detail.

One of the most flagrant forms of unhealthy thinking that I encounter with couples is the thought “Sex is the most important aspect of my life”. This thought is one of the foundational thoughts behind sexual addiction. (Patrick Carnes deals with many of these in his books on sexual addicitons.) This line of thinking often leads people to make poor decisions, engage in affairs, damage their marriage and a host of other problems. In other words, this kind of thinking is sick. It often leads to an unhealthy emphasis on sex. The flagrant advertising of sexual products based on exploiting fears of inadequacy drive keep such thinking going. This kind of thinking is destructive to relationships, creating a selfish demanding atmosphere that destroys the spirit of the marriage and often drives the spouses to consider affairs as an option. The affair may gratify the sexual drives, but it does not gratify the need to be loved.

For other ways to deal with affairs, prevent them and heal your relationship, purchase the “Affair Recovery System”.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

sex, Sexual addiction, sexual thinking and affairs, sexual thinking and cheating, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Many cheaters respond to the being caught with the phrase “I can’t help it”. Such phrases make the cheating sound like it was an irresistible force. In the case of sexual addictions, the phrase may have some credence, although in most cases of cheating it is a misstatement. One way to know if it is a misstatement is whether or not the cheater hid evidence of the affair. If they hid evidence, then they were aware of what they were doing. They knew that what they were doing was unacceptable. When they did advance planning to arrange to meet the lover, then they had some self control. In order to plan, they knew what they were doing. In true cases of “I can’t help it!”, events occur in a spontaneous manner and they “just act out”. Planning and spontaneity do not occur at the same time. You can have one or the other, but not both.

This well help you in dealing with such situations.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

lack of self control and cheating, Sexual addiction, spontanaiety, spontaneous affairs, spontaneous cheating, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

I was astounded to read an article from Australia in which the author, Kaysar Trad actually advocated polygamy as a ‘cure’ for infidelity. Talk about “Hair of the Dog” mentality, such suggestions would worsen rather than improve the situation. Part of the damage done to the affair is in the area of trust. The way to repair that trust is NOT with more sexual promiscuity, but rather commitment and communication with one’s spouse. Having multiple relations only further alienates spouses. When I have dealt with ’swingers’ or manage a trois couples, they consistently report that the relationship worsened, with them feeling more distant from their spouse after that occurred.

I agree  with Kaysar’s observation that monogamy has its share of problems, but the solution is NOT more of what led up to the problem. Such wrong headed thinking is what often leads alcoholics to have a good stiff morning drink in order to overcome the hangover from the previous nights abuse of alcohol (referring to it as the ‘hair of the dog’). Such approaches do NOT work with alcohol addiction. They only make it worse. Likewise acting out sexually with other partners is not going to fix the damage from an affair. If anything it will open the door to increased likelihood of sexual addictions and all the problems that go with such behaviors.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and polygamy, affairs and sexual addiction, Affairs in the News, Australia, polygamy as a way to deal with cheating, Sexual addiction

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

One of the more tragic affair situations that I have encountered are those where a spouse exploits their partner. The exploitations I have dealt with have run the gamut from letting other people use one’s spouse as in a swingers party to using the sexual favors of one’s wife to pay for the husband to pay the amount due for a drug deal. Such situations are ugly. Besides being ugly, they are painful for those involved to discuss.

Such situations are more painful since there is a deliberate rejection of their spouse. Added to the rejection is using them as sexual object for their selfish gratification. In many of these cases, the wife has already been emotionally beat down. They are at a point where they are willing to do anything to please their husbands. The husband’s are aware of their vulnerability and exploit it. The offer of “I will do anything” is taken up on. In such cases, they have their wives do anything and everything that they can imagine. With each each act of debauchery, the wife often feels more shame and hurt. When the situation finally spins out of control, there are often sexual addictions or a lifestyle of being trapped into something they do not know how to escape from. In such situations, the spouse has turned into a sexual slave.

Waking up to the unnaturalness of such situations is a start. The victims and their spouses need to become aware that such lifestyles are not fulfilling. Once there is an awareness, then steps can be taken to emerge from the lifestyle and repair the marriage, when possible. In many cases, the spouse is so far gone, they are cold and hard to any emotional pleas or hurts of their spouse. Extricating oneself from such situations is not easy, but it is well worth the struggle.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and exploited wives, affairs and sexual addiction, affairs and swapping, Sexual addiction, shame and affairs, swingers and affairs, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

In continuing with the list of ways to avoid emotional blackmail, this is the second installment.

3. Have an escape plan. Make sure you have a way out of the situation or agreement if things get bad. A plan is not only how to leave but also when to leave. Many people make the mistake of not leaving a bad situation until they are in too deep. This also includes relationships, whether you were the resolute spouse or the infidel. In the case of the infidel, you need to know when and how to leave the affair. In the case of the resolute spouse you need to know how far you will go in working to save the marriage. Waiting until it is too late can be a disaster. Rather than panic with “What shall I do?” , have your escape plan in mind before you are forced to have to leave.

4. Do not say “Yes” based on emotions or peer pressure. Saying “Yes” under those circumstances is a manipulation. Saying yes, when you really want to say no is also a hallmark of sexual addiction. Many times those afflicted with it can not find it within themselves to say “No”. There are also spouses who are sexual for their partner and not for themselves, which produces problems. Sexual addicts are often easy targets for emotional blackmail as are their partners.

More ways to avoid emotional blackmail are on their way. Check back daily to see the latest.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

emotional blackmail, how to leave an affair, leaving a lover, Sexual addiction, sexual addictions, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Extramarital affairs are not the exclusive domain of movie stars. Nor are they the exclusive domain of politicians. Although the chatter in the twitterverse about Republicans paying for the extramarital affairs of many in leadership positions seems to be a hot topic today. The reality is that they can occur across party lines. They are not limited to a particular race, gender or political affiliation.

The thing about politicians is that they often believe that they are above the law. One of the laws that they often believe that they are above is the law of natural consequences. Having an affair often carries with it natural consequences. Some of those may include being ostracized, shame, being fired or being threatened. In some cases when the morals are way topsy-turvy, they may receive a promotion, job offer, land a key position or other rewards. The world of politics is very topsy-turvy and oriented toward control games. It is no surprise that sado-masochism is the main sexual deviation in centers of political power. The rewards are often misleading in that eventually they turn sour. The ugly side of extramarital relations come out. When that ugly side comes out, it may be emotional, physical or spiritual in its consequences. There will be consequences for those illegitimate pleasures.

In the celebrity world, those caught up with affairs also believe that it will either not matter or that they are so big, that no moral turpitude will  impact them. Indiscretions will find find you out either directly or indirectly with the celebrity having to deal with their spouse having indescretions.

Rather than having to be concerned about who finds out what, just say “No” to the temptations.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and karma, Affairs in the News, celebrities and affairs, keeping secrets about affairs, republicans and affairs, Sexual addiction, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

It amazes me how individuals who are determined to have an affair will manufacture any excuse they can. Rather than assume responsibility to their choices and actions, they will blame instincts, urges, human nature, the other person, the situation, anything but themselves. I mention the human nature since the act of having sex with anything that has a skirt or anything with pants is NOT  human nature at all, it is animal nature. When my dog has the urge, he is not selective at all. Anything that has four legs like him will do. This is base animal instinct. Although the word human is thrown in, the mere suggestion that it is ‘human instinct’ (or its gender based variants-”I am a man” or “I am a woman”) indicates that they do not understand what it means to be human. They do not understand what it means to exercise self-control over their urges. They do not understand what it means to be in a marriage relationship. All they understand is how to mate, and live together.

Being human means that we do not have to give into an urge, simply because we experience it. As humans, we have the capacity for self-control.  We have the capacity to say no to someone who happens to catch our attention or arouse us. Animals do not have the capacity to say no to their urges.

So if your spouse gives the excuse that ‘it’s just human nature’, it is just an excuse. They are blaming someone or something else. They are avoiding all responsibility. Rather than succumb to the assumption that they operate on an animal instinct level, hold them accountable to human levels of behavior. Allowing them to get away with such an excuse only allows them to operate blind immature level of relationships.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

animal instinct, being human, cheating, excuses for cheating, Sexual addiction, Understanding Affairs, urges for affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Some affairs are the product of love addictions rather than poor decision making, immoral values, sexual addition, poor impulse control or other factors often found underlying affairs. In the case of love addiction-based affairs, the spouse afflicted is seeking stimulation. The need for “love stimulation” becomes the priority. The need for stimulation often over rides their marriage commitment or even family & friends. Those living with a love addict know that the addicts stimulation often means that they are neglected, physically, emotionally or in some other manner. The love addict often overlooks dangerous or unacceptable behaviors from their lover, just in order to stay ‘in the relationship’. This drive to stay in a relationship means that they will do anything to hang onto it. The hanging on means that they can not leave the relationship. Those afflicted with such addictions often stalk, control or manipulate others. There is often excessive calling or texting. Their lovers may complain of feeling smothered.  These individuals often also maintain compulsive contact with former partners or those they previously dated. They are often oblivious to consequences of their choices.

Love addictions, like other addictions is also life threatening and needs to be taken seriously. People may joke about ‘love addictions’ yet those afflicted know that the pain and the desperation are very real and very painful.

If you suspect your spouse has a love addiction, seek professional help. The behavior will not go away on its own. The behavior patters are ingrained and need attention from people who have experience in dealing with such situations.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Sexual addiction, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

The topic of sexual addiction is one of the issues that people are now willing to discuss in relation to infidelity. Even though couples are willing to look at sex addictions, the other side of sexual addiction and its impact on affairs is not addressed as frequently. The other side of sexual addiction is sexual anorexia. Rather than a compulsive drive to have sex, this is when there is a compulsive desire to avoid sexual relations. In many situations where one member of the couple has a sexual addiction, there is often a sexual anorexia pattern at work as well.

Will sexual anorexia lead to an affair? In terms of the dynamics, it will increase the possiblity of an affair. Since it is more indirect, the issue of sexual anorexia is often avoided or not addressed at all. Since the sexual anorexic did not “act out” they can assume the role of the victim, even though their avoidant behavior may have been a major issue in the development of the affair when the spouse was seeking relationship and connection with someone else. The anorexia is about selfishness and self-focus, yet often goes unnoticed by those outside of the couple. So rather than quickly blame the spouse who acted out and let the other off the hook, in dealing with the affair, one has to honestly deal with how each of the addictions interacted and fed into each other.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

addiction and anorexia patterns and affairs, infidelity and anorexia, marital patterns related to cheating, Sexual addiction, sexual anorexia

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!