The Emotions of Your Spouse while Rebuilding Your Marriage
After the discovery of the affair, you and your spouse are still reeling from the effects of that traumatic experience. As such, it would be necessary to start talking about your situation and trying to minimize the damage to your marriage.
It’s not impossible to rebuild your marriage as long as both of you are committed to each other. After the initial hiccup of reconciliation though, you will need to look at the emotional needs of your spouse and meet those needs. In doing so, you’re in effect saying that you love your spouse and that he or she deserves the best treatment from you.
These emotional needs may vary. But the most general ones are the need to feel loved. In the simplest ways, you should show your love and support to your spouse. This is also an effective means of preventing another affair to happen. When you are satisfied with each other, it means that the possibility of affair is remote.
Knowing each other for many years does not necessarily mean that you’ve got each other figured out. Marriage is a continuous process of discovery and knowing. As such, you also need to discover ways to introduce surprise into your relationship. Such surprises can help keep the magic in your relationship.
If you have not truly paid attention to the emotions of your spouse before the affair, you should now. Being sensitive to emotions will be a great help in rebuilding a marriage. So if you are looking forward to rebuilding your marriage, you have to train your eyes, your ears and your sense to detect minute changes in your spouse’s emotions so that you would know how to deal with such emotional needs.
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Affairs often involve a lack of self control. People give into urges or fantasies that they have been keeping active in their minds. The whole affair situation worsens when a spouse attempts diminishing what happened with the excuse that they were drunk (or stoned). Such an admission suggests that there are substance abuse problems in addition to the poor self control related to the affair. Disorders of self control often happen in combination like that. One self control problem has a way of spilling over into another area of their lives. If you or your spouse has such multiple self-control problems, (over eating, purging, gambling addictions, drug addictions, drinking problems, spending addictions, etc.) you need professional help. Many people make the mistake of saying they are getting better when all they are doing is switching the self-control problem from one area of their lives to another.
The only exception I have seen regarding the self-control issue (where the person acts out their fantasy or urge) is related to affairs involving sexual addicitions, although that in itself is a self-control disorder as well. Some sexual addicts have affairs due to being driven to do so. It is almost as if their brain goes on automatic pilot and they are then driven to act out.
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I recently went to hear John Bradshaw speak. The nationally known author had plenty to say about affairs. as his talk focused on ‘rigorous honesty’. He addressed his own affairs, and what he found to be motivating them. One of the points that I found of interest was that he mentioned his own sexual addiction existed prior to his alcoholism. I suspect as mental health people and the recovery community begins exploring the issues behind affairs and substance abuse, they will find many cases of sexual addiction. The sexual addiction does not make their actions more acceptable, it only provides better understanding behind their actions.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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Honesty, especially rigorous honesty is a challenge to achieve. Although it is a challenge, the rewards of such honesty is well worth the effort. One of the barriers that prevents couples from obtaining the healing and recovery from an affair or sexual addiction is the reluctance to have such honesty in the relationship.
In many cases people become comfortable living a lie. They even allow their spouses to believe the same lies thinking that if they are honest with them, then their spouse will leave them. The possibility of them leaving is always a risk. If the relationship is so fragile that honesty will cause them to leave, there are even more serious problems in the relationship that need attention. When you are marreid to someone, you want them to love you for who you are, not the image you project onto the wall or onto their lives. We all need genuine companionship, genuine connection with our spouses. This is not possible if you are still living a lie.
The truth may hurt, but living a lie hurts worse than the truth. There may be peace with the lie, but at what cost? What have you sacrificed to obtain a peace based on lies?
If you want such honesty, the time to begin is now. It may start with little things, but eventually you will arrive if you continue living honestly. Living one lie, will lead to more lies and even greater lies, until you find that you have lost your own self.
Honesty is worth the effort.
Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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As technology changes, the main indicator of cheating or infidelity changes as well. According to family lawyers in Britain, the #1 sign of infidelity is now ‘excessive texting’. Previously it was working late. Now the main tell tale sign of cheating is excessive texting on the cell phone. With the new technology, infidels have found new ways of conducting their clandestine activities. Cell phones may soon play a major role in sexual addictions as well. Many sexual addicts are now loading pictures and short films into their cell phones. So not only does one need to investigate the text messages, but they need to also check the photos and flicks contained on the cell phone as well.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Affairs in the News, cellphones, cellphones and infidelity, cellphones and sexual addiction, cheating, infidelity, Sexual addiction, signs of infidelity, technolgyIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
One area of great debate concerns the topic of cybersex. This is a concern with many spouses, since they desire physical and emotional fidelity from their partners. Below is a list of some of the signs associated with cybersex behavior.
1. Using suggestive screen names
2. Being secretive about their computer activity.
3. Having secret e-mail or social network accounts.
4. The time spent on the computer takes away from other activities.
5. They tell lies to cover or hide their activities.
6. The amount of time spent on the computer is increasing.
7. They are unable to stop.
8. They follow a pattern of getting caught, make promises and then repeat the behavior again.
Cybersex is not a Men Only problem. Some studies have suggested that 70% of men visit pornographic sites once a month, while 28% of the women visit such sites as well. These statistics are scanty and the real numbers may be even higher.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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Although the topic of sexual addiction is discussed in erotic literature and romance novels, many people do not recognize the many ways such addictions can show up in their lives. Here is a list of the ten most common forms of sexual addictions. Although many couples do not want to admit that these may be going on in their marriage, knowing what they are can help you better identify the danger.
1. Role Play or Fantasy Sex. Although many of the sex books advocate this, the role playing often crosses the line of play. When you spouse is more turned on by your role than you, there are problems.
2. Seduction Sex. This is where the spouse wants their partner to seduce a third party. This can occur either overtly or covertly.
3. Sex with Anonymous Persons.
4. Money for Sex
5. Trading Sex for Other Favors. This is where sex becomes a medium of exchange. The sex is used for payment or services with others.
6. Voyerism.
7. Exhibitionism.
8. Using pain or humiliation to bring about sexual arousal
9. Violating sexual boundaries. This involves violating the boundaries of others without their awareness of the act.
10. Confusing power differentials in relationships with sex. This often involves powerful roles or people exploiting the weaker ones for sexual purposes.
This list is designed to help know if your sexual behaviors have crossed over the line into the sexual addiction category. It is for use as a guideline, not as a diagnostic tool. If you have several of these in your life, you may want to consult with a specialist to help you with those behaviors.
(see, Patrick Carnes book, Don’t Call it Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction for more information).
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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The mainstream press carried several stories about how Hillary Clinton sat through a sermon on adultery. What people do not realize is that the problem is bigger than adultery. There were several affairs involved with former President Clinton. The issue of dealing with sexual addictions is what they are faced with. Had there been just one adulterous episode, the situation would have been different. She is dealing with someone who had repeated peccadilloes. We are talking about serial affairs. The Monica Lewinsky episode was the one that went very public.
When you are dealing with an affair, it is important that you recognize what you are dealing with. Is the episode a one-time thing or are you up against a well-established pattern of sexual profligacy? Depending on the seriousness of the offense and the pattern, different interventions may be needed.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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At the grocery store, I commented to my wife about an article in the latest edition of Glamour magazine that addressed “Men’s New Sexual Needs“. I wondered how did people miss some of those needs? In thousands of years, how did they just now discover what those needs were? The incident led me to realize that some of the definitions of things are changing.
One change is the advent of “emotional infidelity”. With increasing frequency, people are discussing the topic of emotional infidelity. Besides discussing what it is, and how it occurs, it is now one of the hazards of the modern workplace. Seeig such articles reminds me of how this issue was discussed years ago in homes across America when couples discussed the husband’s secretary or the wife going to work. This is not a new topic, but rather an old topic discussed in a new way.
Another new term that has hit the main stream media this week is “Textual seduction”. This is a term coming out of the affair situation in Detroit with Kwame Kilpatrick. There is a stark contrast between how Spitzer and Kilpatrick are handling the allegations involved in each situation. There are not easy answers or elegant ways out of adultery. With both Spitzer and Kilpatrick, the long pattern of infidelity suggests that other addictive relationship issues will likely need to be addressed as well. The repeated use of prostitutes in Spitzer’s case and the admission and severity of cover-up in Kilpatrick’s case are common hallmarks of more serious issues.
The development of these new terms and concepts tells me that people are wrestling with a sensitive issue and trying to find answers. They are developing new terms as a way to come up with new ways of looking at the behaviors.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Affairs in the News, Common issues with Spitzer and Kilpatrick, defining emotional infidelity, defining textual seduction, Detroit, ELiot Spitzer and Kweme Kilpatrick, emotional infidelity, emotional infidelity and adultery, History of Affairs, New York, Sexual addiction, textual seduction and adultery, the origins of emotional infidelityIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
If the infidelity you are dealing with involves sexual addiction, then action will be needed to correct the situation. In one recent study, 5-6% of the US population met the criteria for sexual compulsivity (aka-sexual addiction). As you see by the numbers, not all affairs are due to sexual addictions. If you are one of those who are having to deal with it, either directly or indirectly, there are some approaches that will not work. These includee:
1. Make more resolutions, promises, or oaths.
2. Using geographical cures. Moving to a new location will not correct the problems that you carry inside of you.
3. Getting into the relationship or marriage. Many couples make of go of their marriage without addressing the sexual compulsivity issue. The assume that their love can overcome the addiction.
4. Getting out of the relationship or marriage. This may end the relationship, but it will not change or improve the compulsivity. You will need to address that. Getting out of the relationship is only window dressing.
5. Finding or using drugs for addiction. This will provide immediate short term relief, but it will not address the problem. It will only serve to disguise the issues underlying the drug or alcohol use.
6. Telling yourself that you will outgrow the compulsion. You may have longer periods of abstinence or control, but you have not addressed the issues that need your attention.
These are only the major excuses people give or use in avoiding dealing with the issue of sexual addiction within their marriages.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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